Hugs (like or dislike?)

[Progster]

I'm not a touchy-feely person, and rarely show affection in this manner. I don't like to be in such close proximity to other people. I've come to accept bear hugs from close family and my partner and even enjoy the feeling of a tight squeeze, but I don't initiate it, generally I find displays of affection hard to deal with. The hardest thing is greeting hugs, I find them excessive and unnecessary when a simple "hello" will do the trick equally well.

 

[SameStars]

I'm not really comfortable with hugging, and I seem to give off that vibe. I've literally been told I look terrified when hugged.

 

[Spiller]

aw! ah, yeah,if they do that to me too, but I totally deserve it........

some people tell me that I don't deserve normal friends? sighs.......

I don't know what 'normal' friends are, but everyone deserves friends Nightgirl, even us oddballs

 

[Graelwyn]

It really depends who is hugging me.
I seem to have some sort of barrier in place, where inside I will want hugs sometimes and want to be a huggy, warm person, but it never makes it to the outside. I just seem unable to physically approach and hug people. And I will stand there analysing when best to approach and give a hug, or if the person will be prepared or if they will not reciprocate.

Some people have been hugging me recently, as I started going to a lot of things with a quite tightly knit meetup group locally, and they all sort of hug me when we say our goodbyes after an event. It took a while for a few of them, I think, because I come across as so self contained and rigid. But two of them just ignored these unintentional signals from me and hugged me pretty much from day one, which is nice.

 

[Red Star]

Like you, I'm not a hugger. I wasn't brought up as one and just don't have the emotional need to do it. I don't generally initiate hugging with anyone, don't dislike the hugs I get but I have come to accept that it is, on occasion, necessary and so i do put myself uncomfortably out to do so.
I appear to have a barrier of ice and spikey glass around me sometimes, there aren't many that make it through alive...
Mum has never been a hugger but does enjoy them although does have an awkwardness to her. Dad never was, being a bit of an Aspie himself.
We have in-laws and aunts etc that 'require' hugs and as such I plaster a smile on my face and do as necessary. I have young people in my family that I have made a point of hugging from their births as their father also has AS and on occasion finds it equally awkward and we've talked through this sort of thing to identify that if we don't, they could suffer from it as we did and not be able to 'interact' in a close manner with people. Sometimes you just have to. Salesmen - no, acquaintances - no, distant friends - sometimes, closer friends - yes, family - yes. Draw up a chart if it's easier but have a go at putting oneself in a slightly uncomfy zone, plastering on a smile and hugging someone friendly you wouldn't usually, or if you're feeling really brave grab the next 'Santa' you come across in the next few weeks - as uncomfy as that might be! Wierd and freaky but occasionally do-able and be proud of yourself whether you do it or not!

 

[DogwoodTree]

I have young people in my family that I have made a point of hugging from their births as their father also has AS and on occasion finds it equally awkward and we've talked through this sort of thing to identify that if we don't, they could suffer from it as we did and not be able to 'interact' in a close manner with people.

This has been on my mind, too, long-long-long before I understood why hugs just aren't that enjoyable for me. I do make a point to hug my 4 kids, and we've always tried to make sure they get good experiences with touch, so it's safe for them (unlike it was for me). Funny thing is, they each still have very different preferences for when/how/how much touch they want. Two of my kids would glue themselves to me if I'd let them...they want constant contact. One is about average on touch, and one is rather aloof. He'll give and accept hugs, but it's not natural for him. He's only 7, and yet it's clear he just wants a brief hug, he rarely hugs back, and he often turns away for the hug so he's not facing into me.

Sometimes you just have to. Salesmen - no, acquaintances - no, distant friends - sometimes, closer friends - yes, family - yes. Draw up a chart if it's easier but have a go at putting oneself in a slightly uncomfy zone, plastering on a smile and hugging someone friendly you wouldn't usually, or if you're feeling really brave grab the next 'Santa' you come across in the next few weeks - as uncomfy as that might be! Wierd and freaky but occasionally do-able and be proud of yourself whether you do it or not!

I can make myself hug people, I just don't like to. For me, I'm so focused on the physical points of contact and trying to keep myself from panicking that there's no opportunity to get anything else out of it. And it's always been that way for me. I've hugged people all my life, and always wondered what all the fuss is about.

People get their perfume on you, or their aftershave, or their deodorant, or their onion or coffee breath.
It's a delicate maneuver to make sure that all the right contacts happen without any of the awkward contacts.
There's no clear rule about how firmly or how long to hug.
If I'm the first to pull away, I feel like I'm saying I don't like them enough to hug them as long as they want.
If I wait for them to pull away, I enjoy it less and less and less as I struggle to not feel so overwhelmed.
And the worst..the absolute worst...is when I try to pull away and they pull me back into the hug as if to say they're doing me a favor and trying to fix my obvious lack of openness to intimacy.

I even went to a weekend conference one time for something that seems like it would be unrelated, but they spent an entire session just teaching everyone how to hug properly and more lovingly, like how to make eye contact both at the beginning and the end, to use both arms, to stand straight up instead of bending over to minimize contact...it was crazy. Then we had to practice. A lot. With a lot of people. I'm so thankful this was before I realized there's a good reason for the way I feel, otherwise I think I would've had to leave.

Imagine if you walk into a restaurant and everyone is bubbly and happy and big smiles on their faces and energetically digging into their meals, obviously very satisfied with the experience. And you think, "wow, must be something really good on the menu today."

So you take a peek at the plates on nearby tables and you suddenly realize...they're all eating sidewalk chalk. Mushed, or soupy, or grilled, or crumbled...very colorful...but most definitely it's just sidewalk chalk.

And they're eating it. And they love it. And you can't for the life of you figure out why. In fact, it's pretty repulsive (I can't stand touching chalk...ew...or smelling it...or hearing someone write with it).

You could join the party...but do you really want to? You could make yourself eat the chalk and even make yourself act like you're enjoying it.

But part of you is wondering if all of these other people are just faking it, too, and if so, then why? And part of you is wondering if perhaps instead you're just insane that you're the only who doesn't enjoy it?

 

[NlGHTgirl]

But part of you is wondering if all of these other people are just faking it, too, and if so, then why? And part of you is wondering if perhaps instead you're just insane that you're the only who doesn't enjoy it?

I think, it seems like, they really , actually, honestly , ENJOY the hugging (and/or sidewalk chalk?)....... my humble opinion. I mean, since my mom, (and so many moms like her) insist that we participate in the hug fest.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I think, it seems like, they really , actually, honestly , ENJOY the hugging (and/or sidewalk chalk?)....... my humble opinion. I mean, since my mom, (and so many moms like her) insist that we participate in the hug fest.

I agree...though that brings on the other alternative. What's so wrong with me? I mean, AS helps give the explanation...I get that. But love has to get in somehow, or we die.

I guess I just struggle with understanding alternative ways of getting the contact that I need...whatever that looks like...in a completely different paradigm from the normal "physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service" kind of approach to giving and receiving love. But at least I understand the obstacles a little better now.

 

[NlGHTgirl]

Well.............. (not at all sure this helps)...........but..... you're not wrong. you are human. I love you! happy! I love this internet! I love my dog, I love my trees! mmm fresh air! outside! I don't always run around hugging internet or trees or fresh air. you must be correct. There must be other ways to feel love. Other ways to display love as well. hmm.

(about to ramble!) I feel, I could intrinsically, innately , already feel love/God I just think (project my own feelings) the others "feel" it as well. Honestly, I can not read what other human beings think!!!!!! So, by default setting, I tend to substitute my own thoughts/feelings! My therapist says I have no theory of mind. And that people take advantage of naive sweet kind happy me. I am about to guess that other people do not feel interconnected love floating in the universe? my projected assumption could be wrong? huh. so, these other people, NEED to hug? to feel some connection?

Do we love our own self? (not to be weird or anything, I just had lots of therapy! Only to find out, that I need to love myself, experience healthy food, sunshine, participate in exercise daily....... : ) it's good to know. anyway. it might help. someone. anyway........

Clearly, I'm the colorful creative artist type. I'm not sure how Aspie I am!!!!

 

[Maelstrom]

Take 'em or leave 'em?

I've never really enjoyed hugs, except from my kids when they're small. As they get bigger, hugs are less and less comfortable with them. And my son who shows aspie traits is similarly uncomfortable with hugs, rarely giving them and never really melting into a hug.

Hi I have never been naturally good at this stuff, didn't have much use for the human race when I was young. My family was fairly cold work, work, work. But as I got older the back tide started to recede as the brain filled in, and I felt the need for more warmth. I managed to sneak a hugging tradition into the family bit by bit. I find that careful hug attacks help relations allot even if they pretend to not like it. On the touch sensitive thing I don't know, maybe ask for and give very very soft hugs???

But you should say you are touch sensitive, someone giving you a hug is just trying to make you happy.

 

[pushpin]

Reading your post makes me feel very sad. You sound like you are hurting so much but without a way to escape that hurt.

Regarding hugs, it depends. Going to a boarding school forced me to learn to give and accept hugs and to become more verbally affectionate. Whether or not I feel anything during these hugs depends on a number of variables including but not limited to the following: the person, the setting (public vs private), emotional setting (after an argument, before a long goodbye, etc), my emotional state, my level of trust with that person, etc.

I would say sometimes I feel a coldness when I hug, and sometimes I feel a warmth. I don't like being forced to be affectionate. It doesn't feel good to pretend like I care when I don't. Also, sometimes I feel like the people I love already have the evidence of my love for them, and I don't always want to think about or try to predict when I need to provide them with reassurance of a love that will never go away (this love, so far, is unique to certain members of my family, this love that I am fully certain can never go away or even diminish. It only grows stronger even with arguments, etc).

 

[DogwoodTree]

I find that careful hug attacks help relations allot even if they pretend to not like it.

What if they're not pretending? What if they really, truly don't like it?

But you should say you are touch sensitive, someone giving you a hug is just trying to make you happy.

Yes, I understand that, cognitively. And I can appreciate the effort, no matter how self-defeating it all is.

But there are only a very small handful of people whose hugs actually have that effect on me to any degree. All other hugs are uncomfortable at best, repulsive and extremely stressful at worst. So really, those hugs only make the other person happy. That's well enough--I want people to be happy. But then the question is, is their offered hug an effort to help me feel loved, or an effort to make themselves feel better?

And when it feels like the latter to me, it's not really an offer of "giving" but a demand of "taking". They're saying, "I feel better when we hug, so I insist on having a hug, whether you like or not."

It's perfectly acceptable in most social situations I encounter for people to insist on hugs...but it's considered to be very offensive if one might wish to decline hugs.

If there was truly freedom to go either way, I can see that hugs would be a great opportunity to give even when it might be uncomfortable for me. But I don't feel like I really have that freedom, in the social sense, because people get offended when someone isn't a "hugger" and tend to insist on hugging anyway because they think their perspective is the only correct one...that of course a hug makes anyone feel better, and so if you're resisting hugs, you're choosing to be a Debbie Downer and obviously resisting the very thing that would help you feel less of the pain of loneliness.

But the opposite is true for me in most situations. I actually feel MORE alone in a hug. Because there's obviously something wrong with me that I don't feel connected with this person who is invading my space and touching me, which sends heebie jeebies through my spine and crawling all over my skin. I have to hold my breath just to get through it.

 

[Maelstrom]

What if they're not pretending? What if they really, truly don't like it?

You are of course right, I should have realized you were referring to hug maulers, I don't know what to do with them either short of a stun gun, it is hard to get them to back off, just keep telling them you're touch sensitive I guess, and hope it gets through. You did, I think, say you wanted to be able to hug family and friends, you could if you wish, try to work out a acceptable soft hug of some sort there are different ways to hug. I use the smaller ones first, big ones are for some one you love allot not strangers.

 

[NlGHTgirl]

sometimes I feel like the people I love already have the evidence of my love for them, and I don't always want to think about or try to predict when I need to provide them with reassurance of a love that will never go away (this love, so far, is unique to certain members of my family, this love that I am fully certain can never go away or even diminish. It only grows stronger even with arguments, etc).

EXACTLY how I feel........... Hugs for grown ups are un necessary, extraneous, superfluous (d is that a word?) Why do they need evidence of love, and reassurance of that love......... yup. Perfectly describes my feelings! as for coldness, it's best described as more of a detachment. I think. but I would accept hugs because the others seem to want them so very much. (I just let them choose to end the hug first.)

All kids (family) hugs are great! I give hugs to kids family. That is warm and nice and happy!

no hugs needed for grown ups, unless the person wants to date me,...... and I like that person, special, then, I would enjoy the hug. heh. I'd even make eye contact for that. Ha ha ha!

 

[Suzanne]

The only one that gets the tinniest bit of emotion from me, when we hug is my husband, but honestly, I hug because I know it is the right thing to do! I like the idea of being hugged and so, just accept when ones hug me but feel stupid and cannot wait, for them to let me go!

Just yesterday, this woman I know, who is really lovely, is a very touchy touchy person and for some reason, has taken to me and is always grabbing hold of me for a hug or kiss and inside, I am screaming for it to stop, but at the same time, I am loving that I am being loved so much!

Because I have only recently come to terms that I am aspie (unofficial), it means I have spent years not understanding myself and so, tend to adapt to the situation I am in. I am also a christian, one of Jehovah's Witnesses and that helps a great deal to balance me out - actually, it was in one of our publications, that first alerted me to the idea that I could well be aspie.

So I like being hugged, because I appreciate the IDEA behind the hug, but it is most surreal to me and I have often wondered if when others are being hugged, do they look at themselves and notice how silly they look?

 

[Spiller]

I'm so focused on the physical points of contact

It's a delicate maneuver to make sure that all the right contacts happen without any of the awkward contacts.
There's no clear rule about how firmly or how long to hug.

Exactly this! There needs to be an Aspie manual.. how many mississippies should it last and with who? (1-2 seems average, but with some people it's 5-when's-this-ever-gonna-end?).
Where do you put your hands? (with small people, I end up just uncertainly waving my hands around behind them, especially women).
Do you really stand up straight? (what if.. er, inadvertent biological responses begin to manifest? Ahem!).

But love has to get in somehow, or we die.

I completely agree with you on this Dogwood.. I never had difficulty touching or hugging an intimate partner, though the hugging itself still felt like using a phrase in a language I don't speak(?), once I got used to how that person hugs, it was ok.. still odd, but ok.

I don't what to do with them either short of a stun gun

A stun gun may solve my problem with the dreaded Hand shake! This particularly complex and apparently communicative action is all too common among men.. and I hate it with passion!
While attempting to make constant eye contact, one throws ones right hand at the other person (I'm left handed, so a tad awkward, but means I can have the stun gun ready), attempts - without looking - to grasp the others' palm 'firmly' (how firmly? I sometimes hear cracking sounds), attempting to avoid tangling fingers and thumbs or the embarrassing fingers grip - still without looking - then one tries unsuccessfully to co-ordinate a jerky up/down motion of the arm (from the elbow? My Grandad worked from the shoulder, as if he was trying to heave a sack over his back).. having, of course, previously attempted to dry ones suddenly nerves-sweaty hand surreptitiously on ones jeans.
Whoever invented the handshake should, in my opinion, have been shot! (Oh yeah, that's what the handshake signifies, of course.. no weapons. Didn't plan for lefties though, did they? Stupid custom!)

 

[Maelstrom]

Exactly this! There needs to be an Aspie manual.. how many mississippies should it last and with who?

Hi very funny, you nearly cured me of hugging. I can't answer all these questions I'm a auspie not a (NT), and I suspect some face reading is required as it likely varies from person to person. Relations are just a gamble you have to take sometimes, if it works you win, if it doesn't you make a mental note to do it different the next time. I generally do the side shoulder hug and its usually a I've missed you thing, or sorry your feeling bad thing. With a girlfriend side hug with hand to waist, level of affection determines length of hug and how close to being face to face. Keep it short and break first if your not in to the person. The hand thing every one has trouble with that some people pat instinctively to say I'm not feeling you up, basically the hand sliding is for telling your girlfriend give me a kiss etcetera. Full on hugs are messy, especially so if person is wrong height, it was so bad with my ex- I felt like making her stand on steps or something first.

 

[Soup]

Hugs. I cannot stand them. The only hugs I can tolerate are from my husband or the dogs. Anyone else can keep their gross body essences (all those smells & textures!) to themselves. I never saw the benefits or necessity of having one's body compressed like that. It just feels incredibly invasive & unpleasant. I do not like being touched. Not hand-shakes or cheek kisses.

I never believed it was, necessarily, 'the right thing to do', but more of a social custom whose parameters vary enormously from one culture to the next. In some, you would NEVER EVER hug someone during an introduction or even touch them. In other cultures, men hug other men, women may hug another woman, but NEVER across sex lines. As for what 'shape' the hug takes or how long it lasts, that, too varies. Age social status, the closeness of the potential hugees etc. are all contributing factors. Seems like a whole lot of complicated social river-dancing for nothing.

 

[Kirsty]

I looovvvveee hugs!

 

[Ellylldan]

I live in a country where hugs and kisses on a cheek are part of common greetings. When I moved here a few years ago, at first I felt rrrreally uncomfortable when all these strangers were invading my space without asking. There were times when I didn't want to hug and kiss someone I didn't like for some reason and then was scolded by my husband for being rude... Now I got used to it and learned how to distance myself mentally from it. Plus in most of cases they are more of a gesture, sometimes there is almost no physical contact, fortunately. But I still don't like this custom.

I enjoy hugs (the real ones, tight and squeezy!) from a few persons I like very much, though. With them I actually can initiate hugs myself. Sometimes, if I happen to be in a company of people where is a person I like very much, even if I may barely say a word during all evening, I would just randomly come to that person and hug them. It's like a way of communication, somehow, when words just wouldn't come out..
And I am very cuddly with my husband and my sister, who are the most important beings for me, together with my two cats.