I am lost...boyfriend with spectrum and too many questions

[Lena_131309]

Aspergers Relationships: A Guide for the Neurotypical | The Mental Health Blog

Thank you very much, I have read it carefully, it is indeed a great source of knowledge.

 

[Lena_131309]

One thing that I would also like to understand deeper, is the distanced behaviour from his side in particular situations...I would divide it into two groups, one - when we are alone, and the second one - when we are in public. The first one refers to the situations when we are in his place and he deviates from being very touchy, cuddly and close when we become intimate and the second spectrum of behaviour when we are not. When I arrive in his place we are usually watching movies and eating something, sitting on his couch, and during that phase he is always close to me, leaning in my direction, sometimes putting his arms around my legs and always sitting really close to me. The completely different approach appears when I am close to leave his apartment to work in the morning. He is then usually very attached to his iPad, either listening to something or playing games, and once I am going in the direction of the doors he is always coming across, saying politely goodbye, but never touching me, hugging and etc. It is very awkward to me, but I accept that, I would just like to understand why is it like that. He seems (but that is just my assumption) that he does not know how to approach the situation and how to behave when I leave.

The other aspect are the "public" situations, when we are for example going to the cinema. He is always close to me, but never touching my hand or grabbing his arms around me. It is something I am getting used to slowly, but, the same as before, I would like to understand the reasoning behind. He told me once that in his previous relationship, holding hands and kissing was a major issue for him, as it is considered from his side as something extremely intimate. I am not sure if I remembered that correctly, and I was actually reading a lot about that, usually finding an answer that some of the "touch types" can be too intensive for people with spectrum, and very difficult to handle from the sensor point of view. How does it work? How come that holding hands can be possible while we are intimate (he is initiating that) and can become such a difficult aspect outside the bed? It is also confusing, as he tried to initiate different "closeness" when we met the first few times, for example, he was the one that started touching my leg when we went to the cinema for the second or third time. I asked him about that and he said that he knew he was "allowed" to do that as we were texting a lot about being intimate before we actually became...

I am sorry for these details and long post again, I just find it so valuable and supporting to learn the things from you.

 

[Rasputin]

One thing that I would also like to understand deeper, is the distanced behaviour from his side in particular situations...I would divide it into two groups, one - when we are alone, and the second one - when we are in public. The first one refers to the situations when we are in his place and he deviates from being very touchy, cuddly and close when we become intimate and the second spectrum of behaviour when we are not. When I arrive in his place we are usually watching movies and eating something, sitting on his couch, and during that phase he is always close to me, leaning in my direction, sometimes putting his arms around my legs and always sitting really close to me. The completely different approach appears when I am close to leave his apartment to work in the morning. He is then usually very attached to his iPad, either listening to something or playing games, and once I am going in the direction of the doors he is always coming across, saying politely goodbye, but never touching me, hugging and etc. It is very awkward to me, but I accept that, I would just like to understand why is it like that. He seems (but that is just my assumption) that he does not know how to approach the situation and how to behave when I leave.

The other aspect are the "public" situations, when we are for example going to the cinema. He is always close to me, but never touching my hand or grabbing his arms around me. It is something I am getting used to slowly, but, the same as before, I would like to understand the reasoning behind. He told me once that in his previous relationship, holding hands and kissing was a major issue for him, as it is considered from his side as something extremely intimate. I am not sure if I remembered that correctly, and I was actually reading a lot about that, usually finding an answer that some of the "touch types" can be too intensive for people with spectrum, and very difficult to handle from the sensor point of view. How does it work? How come that holding hands can be possible while we are intimate (he is initiating that) and can become such a difficult aspect outside the bed? It is also confusing, as he tried to initiate different "closeness" when we met the first few times, for example, he was the one that started touching my leg when we went to the cinema for the second or third time. I asked him about that and he said that he knew he was "allowed" to do that as we were texting a lot about being intimate before we actually became...

I am sorry for these details and long post again, I just find it so valuable and supporting to learn the things from you.

What you are describing is the autism, because I am very similar in my behavior. When he is being very close and touching you, he is trying to be attentive due to self awareness of his condition. When he is playing video games, he is reverting back to his "normal" behavior. When is is in public he is unsure how others perceive him, and he is acting more formal.

I can't explain beyond this. All I know is I behave similarly. I can tell you that he is expending energy/effort trying to act normally. You might consider taking more of the lead in public, to relieve pressure on him. That is where he is least comfortable.

 

[Lena_131309]

What you are describing is the autism, because I am very similar in my behavior. When he is being very close and touching you, he is trying to be attentive due to self awareness of his condition. When he is playing video games, he is reverting back to his "normal" behavior. When is is in public he is unsure how others perceive him, and he is acting more formal.

I can't explain beyond this. All I know is I behave similarly. I can tell you that he is expending energy/effort trying to act normally. You might consider taking more of the lead in public, to relieve pressure on him. That is where he is least comfortable.

Thank you for your answer Rasputin, it all makes sense for me, even though I am still trying to put all the puzzles together. I am aware that he needs to put a lot of energy and self-control to behave like that, I just hope that it also brings, at least a bit, pleasure and stress release to him. When I ask him if he enjoys being close like that he always responds that definitely yes, but then again he mentions right away that it would be difficult for him to do it every day. And I completely respect that and appreciate that he manages the effort to see me and spend such a demanding time with me as often as he can.

What does it mean that "when is is in public he is unsure how others perceive him, and he is acting more formal"? Is he concerned what other people will think about him when he touch me in public? Or is he concerned what I will think also?

I would definitely consider taking more lead in public, but that it not so easy as it seems. Due to him avoiding particular touch in public, it makes me insecure in initiating that, as in my mindset he would not enjoy that (which may be completely wrong). So my thinking is very black and white - as he does not do that = he does not like that = I should not to initiate that. On the other hand, by not doing that, I am not even close to verify if he would like that or not. I try to support him when we are outside, staying close to him and paying attention if he does not become anxious or stressed, but in the same time controlling myself and trying not to cross the borders he makes (willingly or not). So, as you can see, I am stuck in between what I think he expects (which may be completely right or wrong) and what I would like to do (which may help him or be completely inappropriate from his point of view). Not taking the initiative, as unfortunate and difficult it is, seems like the safest option, for both of us.

 

[Rasputin]

Thank you for your answer Rasputin, it all makes sense for me, even though I am still trying to put all the puzzles together. I am aware that he needs to put a lot of energy and self-control to behave like that, I just hope that it also brings, at least a bit, pleasure and stress release to him. When I ask him if he enjoys being close like that he always responds that definitely yes, but then again he mentions right away that it would be difficult for him to do it every day. And I completely respect that and appreciate that he manages the effort to see me and spend such a demanding time with me as often as he can.

What does it mean that "when is is in public he is unsure how others perceive him, and he is acting more formal"? Is he concerned what other people will think about him when he touch me in public? Or is he concerned what I will think also?

I would definitely consider taking more lead in public, but that it not so easy as it seems. Due to him avoiding particular touch in public, it makes me insecure in initiating that, as in my mindset he would not enjoy that (which may be completely wrong). So my thinking is very black and white - as he does not do that = he does not like that = I should not to initiate that. On the other hand, by not doing that, I am not even close to verify if he would like that or not. I try to support him when we are outside, staying close to him and paying attention if he does not become anxious or stressed, but in the same time controlling myself and trying not to cross the borders he makes (willingly or not). So, as you can see, I am stuck in between what I think he expects (which may be completely right or wrong) and what I would like to do (which may help him or be completely inappropriate from his point of view). Not taking the initiative, as unfortunate and difficult it is, seems like the safest option, for both of us.

I'll respond this evening, after work. In ten hours. Sorry I don't have time now.

 

[Lena_131309]

I'll respond this evening, after work. In ten hours. Sorry I don't have time now.

No problem at all, take your time

 

[Rasputin]

Thank you for your answer Rasputin, it all makes sense for me, even though I am still trying to put all the puzzles together. I am aware that he needs to put a lot of energy and self-control to behave like that, I just hope that it also brings, at least a bit, pleasure and stress release to him. When I ask him if he enjoys being close like that he always responds that definitely yes, but then again he mentions right away that it would be difficult for him to do it every day. And I completely respect that and appreciate that he manages the effort to see me and spend such a demanding time with me as often as he can.

What does it mean that "when is is in public he is unsure how others perceive him, and he is acting more formal"? Is he concerned what other people will think about him when he touch me in public? Or is he concerned what I will think also?

I would definitely consider taking more lead in public, but that it not so easy as it seems. Due to him avoiding particular touch in public, it makes me insecure in initiating that, as in my mindset he would not enjoy that (which may be completely wrong). So my thinking is very black and white - as he does not do that = he does not like that = I should not to initiate that. On the other hand, by not doing that, I am not even close to verify if he would like that or not. I try to support him when we are outside, staying close to him and paying attention if he does not become anxious or stressed, but in the same time controlling myself and trying not to cross the borders he makes (willingly or not). So, as you can see, I am stuck in between what I think he expects (which may be completely right or wrong) and what I would like to do (which may help him or be completely inappropriate from his point of view). Not taking the initiative, as unfortunate and difficult it is, seems like the safest option, for both of us.

I had a free minute. In public, he is unsure what is socially acceptable. So he is focusing on fitting in, and not drawing attention to himself.

What I see from reading between the lines are the following:

(1) He likes you a lot, is attracted to you, and wants you to like him. He is probably trying hard, thinking "don't screw this up".

(2) You like him, but want assurance that you are not being used. You also seem to enjoy time spent with him at his apartment.

(3) He seems to be completely honest in disclosing his ASD, and in admitting that he needs some alone time or quiet time to process everything.

(4) He has some courage and is willing to get out of his comfort zone, because he enjoys time spent with you. Most people with ASD live with a lot of anxiety, and find it difficult to pursue a romantic relationship. However, the male sex drive can overcome this anxiety and that is a healthy thing. At the same time he is trying to be polite and proper, and is dealing with conflicting emotions that are somewhat foreign to him. To his credit, he is trying.

What I would say is that at some point you both need to share your feelings. Perhaps try other activities like taking walks and talking, and show him how to interact in a way that does not seem so distant.

I hope this helps.

 

[Lena_131309]

I had a free minute. In public, he is unsure what is socially acceptable. So he is focusing on fitting in, and not drawing attention to himself.

What I see from reading between the lines are the following:

(1) He likes you a lot, is attracted to you, and wants you to like him. He is probably trying hard, thinking "don't screw this up".

(2) You like him, but want assurance that you are not being used. You also seem to enjoy time spent with him at his apartment.

(3) He seems to be completely honest in disclosing his ASD, and in admitting that he needs some alone time or quiet time to process everything.

(4) He has some courage and is willing to get out of his comfort zone, because he enjoys time spent with you. Most people with ASD live with a lot of anxiety, and find it difficult to pursue a romantic relationship. However, the male sex drive can overcome this anxiety and that is a healthy thing. At the same time he is trying to be polite and proper, and is dealing with conflicting emotions that are somewhat foreign to him. To his credit, he is trying.

What I would say is that at some point you both need to share your feelings. Perhaps try other activities like taking walks and talking, and show him how to interact in a way that does not seem so distant.

I hope this helps.

Thank you very much and I am sorry you had to delegate your limited free time during work to answer my post. I really appreciate that because it slowly takes the thick fog from the road I decided to take.

(1) I hope it is like that I really want to believe it is the case, but (in reference to point 2) it is not always easy

(2) Correct, I like him very much and indeed, I feel sometimes insecure, not being familiar with his behaviour (or the reasoning for his behaviour) and (unwillingly) trying to explain everything with the only patterns I know. And yes, I really like to spend time with him, actually more in his apartment, where he seems to feel more and more comfortable with me, than in any other place

(3) Correct, he is very open about that, not calling it "alone time" but gently letting me know, that he needs some space after we meet. I am fine with that, I need my space too, so there is no issue with that. However, it took me some time (and some research) to understand why he is not contacting me to the same extent (or sometimes at all), 1-2 days after we meet.

(4) Correct again, he admits that it is very difficult for him to try to "fit in" in most of the situations that require social interaction. I can just try to imagine how difficult and challenging it has to be for him to overcome his anxiety and try to build a relation/relationship with me, not having almost any experience in that and not knowing how to process his emotions (with some of them potentially not known to him at all)

I am not sure if I fully understood the "conflicting emotions" part...Do you mean that his desire to spend time with me is conflicting his needs to behave naturally and just do the things that do not require him to delegate his energy to something that is not "natural" for him? Or was it meant differently?

I appreciate the advise on trying to show him alternative ways how to interact less distanced, but first I need to get more courage on my side to do that I guess the small steps are always the best option, in any aspect, and definitely in this one.

 

[Rasputin]

Thank you very much and I am sorry you had to delegate your limited free time during work to answer my post. I really appreciate that because it slowly takes the thick fog from the road I decided to take.

(1) I hope it is like that I really want to believe it is the case, but (in reference to point 2) it is not always easy

(2) Correct, I like him very much and indeed, I feel sometimes insecure, not being familiar with his behaviour (or the reasoning for his behaviour) and (unwillingly) trying to explain everything with the only patterns I know. And yes, I really like to spend time with him, actually more in his apartment, where he seems to feel more and more comfortable with me, than in any other place

(3) Correct, he is very open about that, not calling it "alone time" but gently letting me know, that he needs some space after we meet. I am fine with that, I need my space too, so there is no issue with that. However, it took me some time (and some research) to understand why he is not contacting me to the same extent (or sometimes at all), 1-2 days after we meet.

(4) Correct again, he admits that it is very difficult for him to try to "fit in" in most of the situations that require social interaction. I can just try to imagine how difficult and challenging it has to be for him to overcome his anxiety and try to build a relation/relationship with me, not having almost any experience in that and not knowing how to process his emotions (with some of them potentially not known to him at all)

I am not sure if I fully understood the "conflicting emotions" part...Do you mean that his desire to spend time with me is conflicting his needs to behave naturally and just do the things that do not require him to delegate his energy to something that is not "natural" for him? Or was it meant differently?

I appreciate the advise on trying to show him alternative ways how to interact less distanced, but first I need to get more courage on my side to do that I guess the small steps are always the best option, in any aspect, and definitely in this one.

Yes, you understood my meaning.

 

[Lena_131309]

Yes, you understood my meaning.

Happy to hear that, thank you very much.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I'm sorry for your trouble. You love him, but maybe confused and frustrated on how he didnt treat you enough as you would like to and deserve, most probably.

His needs? Why do you need to fulfill his needs (what needs?), when he's not even your husband yet? And also, it's making you sad. Do you want him to change? That'll be so difficult for an autistic person. But if your needs are continuously not met, it might affect you badly. Why do you keep giving yourself to him in bed?

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

I’m definitely not expecting 50-50 fairness level, that would be rather naive I guess....I am aware that, probably, majority of the “adjustments” would have to be done on my side. As far as I can tell, with my current state of knowledge, I am ready to take this challenge, but I’m also aware that it will require a lot of work on both our ends. Excuse my ignorance, but could you be so kind and explain me in more details the “wingman” role please? I guess I have only very high-level understanding of the concept....

Why are you so keen to sacrifice much of yourself? Are you sure you're okay with this? You're okay with being his caregiver instead of his partner? I'm just asking, because I dont know.. Hope it gets better for you and your daughter too

 

[Lena_131309]

I'm sorry for your trouble. You love him, but maybe confused and frustrated on how he didnt treat you enough as you would like to and deserve, most probably.

His needs? Why do you need to fulfill his needs (what needs?), when he's not even your husband yet? And also, it's making you sad. Do you want him to change? That'll be so difficult for an autistic person. But if your needs are continuously not met, it might affect you badly. Why do you keep giving yourself to him in bed?

Hi Bluesky and thank you very much for your answer. Just to clarify, we see each other since few weeks only so I believe "love" is too strong word to describe what is between us. I definitely like him very much and like spending time with him, but to be able to say "I love you", I need a bit more than that. And definitely I would not use this words (and mean them) before I would really get to know him. That's first thing. Yes, I am confused and sometimes frustrated as I prefer to know where I stand and currently, due to the above reasons, it is very difficult for me to verify that based only on the well known signs for me that are not always there due to his spectrum and my very basic knowledge about it.

"Marriage" institution has no meaning to me (to be fair - I was married and the fact of getting married had zero influence on what was between us) so I do not put it as a border for starting meeting his or my needs differently that before we "are married". I do not consider another marriage in my life, to be clear. I believe that one of the most important elements of being in a relationship with someone is related to considering his needs on the same level as my own, and sometimes more his than mine (and vice versa). And to be honest, from what I've learnt here, fulfilling my needs is much more difficult for him, than fulfilling his needs for me.

I would not say that he "makes me sad", I do not think he has much influence on that and I do not think he would like to make me sad intentionally. I may be wrong.

And I am not "giving myself to him in bed" I am having sex with him, that brings great pleasure to me, probably more than to him. He is the one that tries to fulfil my sexual needs, whenever I mention I like particular things, so I guess it is more him "giving" than me, in that aspect.

Do I want him to change? That is difficult question. I would rather say that I would like to make the communication between us more clear for both of us, which would potentially require changes on both our sides. Do I want to change him to make him "fit" in my perception of "normal" relationships? No, I do not. I want him to stay exactly as he is, just to gain more confidence (with my help) and assurance that his behaviour is perfectly fine (also with my help).

 

[Lena_131309]

Why are you so keen to sacrifice much of yourself? Are you sure you're okay with this? You're okay with being his caregiver instead of his partner? I'm just asking, because I dont know.. Hope it gets better for you and your daughter too

Why do you think I would need to be his caregiver? He is functioning without me 35 years already and doing pretty well I guess, so I do not think he needs my care. And thank you very much for your wishes, my daughter is perfectly fine, she is not, and never has been involved in the situation.

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

I'm going to take a stab at this, from a woman's point of view.
He's already cost you a lot of self doubt by the sounds of it. I think it takes a very strong and easy going NT to handle this kind of relationship.
At some point you'll have to ask if it's worth it.
You are at the 3month mark. Sounds right for the big question(s), "What's the plan for us? Are you happy with the way our relationship is progressing?"
Take a mental picture of what your relationship looks like right now. What if that is the picture in 6 months from now? Three years? There is a possibility that he will never change. Maybe I missed it in your posts, but does he see himself ever getting married? Is marriage what you want somewhere down the road with someone?
I think when someone is an Aspie, there is a much longer adjustment period, where both people are feeling each other out, coming to conclusions, deciding what they can or can't tolerate, etc.
Why don't you just continue to have fun as it is, until it just stops being fun. Listen to your gut when it says it's taking too much of an emotional toll. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others. Be in a good, confident mental state where you can take a relationship exactly as it is.

 

[Lena_131309]

I'm going to take a stab at this, from a woman's point of view.
He's already cost you a lot of self doubt by the sounds of it. I think it takes a very strong and easy going NT to handle this kind of relationship.
At some point you'll have to ask if it's worth it.
You are at the 3month mark. Sounds right for the big question(s), "What's the plan for us? Are you happy with the way our relationship is progressing?"
Take a mental picture of what your relationship looks like right now. What if that is the picture in 6 months from now? Three years? There is a possibility that he will never change. Maybe I missed it in your posts, but does he see himself ever getting married? Is marriage what you want somewhere down the road with someone?
I think when someone is an Aspie, there is a much longer adjustment period, where both people are feeling each other out, coming to conclusions, deciding what they can or can't tolerate, etc.
Why don't you just continue to have fun as it is, until it just stops being fun. Listen to your gut when it says it's taking too much of an emotional toll. You have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others. Be in a good, confident mental state where you can take a relationship exactly as it is.

Thank you very much for your point of view, I really appreciate that. Answering your questions - I do not know "what is the plan for us", I would not be able to answer that question, independently if it would be with NT person or him, after few weeks of relationship. To make it more obvious, I am not the "planning" type either, I rather take the things as they go, rather that making plans how they should go. This applies to most of the aspects of my life. I do not find it reasonable to make plans, if I do not know (and cannot influence) majority of the factors that would influence them.
Second question - yes, I am happy with the progress we made since I wrote here last time. I can clearly see that he is trying very much to make the things work between us. Few days ago he was even "able" to tell me "please make sure to do that and that...that I would not have to worry about you"...sounds like a small step , but it meant a lot to me (I may be wrong, still learning, but I assume it was a big step and effort for him to tell me that he cares).
No, I do not see myself getting married in the future, I was married once and I am not putting any importance to the marriage institution.
And yes, it is difficult and challenging sometimes, we still learn how to make it work for both of us, but as harder as it gets, the more I appreciate the effort he puts into making it work and the more I get motivated to revise my "imagination" how it should look like. At the end, I am in the opinion that I am the one that should revise, my only known, relationship schemes. I was "taught" that they are the ones that work (or not) and should be followed (or not), but in reality we can work out our own ones that would not cost him and myself the whole energy just to adjust to them. He does not have his relationship schemes (even thought he is trying very hard to "follow" the NT ones), so as long as I will not expect that he does it in all aspects, we should be fine. I am not the "hanging" on your partner type, I need my private zone, I am completely independent in any aspect and have my life, managing it pretty well on my own. The whole "relationship" aspect came unexpectedly and I enjoy it to the maximum extend I can. It does take a lot of emotional toll, but, to be honest, it is no different to any other relationship I was in, it is just different spectrum of behaviours, the effort is comparable.

 

[Lena_131309]

Dear Experts,

I need your advise again. Yesterday, I was finally able to have a serious and direct discussion with my Aspie partner about what is between us. For those, who didn’t have a chance to go through my previous post, we have been seeing each other since a bit more than 3 months and, until yesterday, we were just “going with the flow” and enjoying each other’s presence, but never spoke about the “status” of our relationship. Yesterday, I asked him finally, what is his opinion about what is between us. He didn’t answer immediately, but asked first what my opinion was about that. My honest answer was that I thought that he was rather treating our meetings as sort of hookup or friends with benefits thing and that, as long as I am fine with that for a short time, I’m definitely not looking for that in a longer perspective, and that was why I wanted to clarify our common understanding. He got really puzzled and asked, what made me think that he was treating it as a hookup only or fwb option...I couldn’t really answer that question and felt like being unfair of “accusing” him of that, and then he tried to explain how he feels about it. He mentioned that, due to his spectrum, he is not really planning anything and just functioning from week to week and not setting up any goals. He said that he hasn’t been in any real relationship ever before and that he has never been in love, like most of his friends. He said he has never experienced that and that he is not sure if this will happen, as he is too logical for that and his brain doesn’t work like that, that he could feel this “chemical processes”, as he understands “love”. I answered, that he is obviously trying despite that and he confirmed that he wants to see me and to spend time with me and get to know me even better. I replied that I’m not really into any long-term planning and definitions either, and I also want to get to know and understand him even more. On the other hand, I said, we are both adults and, knowing how we spent most of our time, we need to consider “what if”. I asked him, what would be his approach if, by coincidence, I would get pregnant (which is one of my biggest fears), and, to be honest, I expected that he would rather say, that he is not really looking forward to have a child or that this option is out of his sight due to his spectrum...but he replied that, at some point he would like to have a family and that, in case something like that would happen, we would need to discuss that, but, in case, I would make decision to keep the pregnancy, he would definitely support me on that and be perfectly fine with that. On the other hand, if I would decide otherwise, he would support me as well. I told him that it’s a bit unfair, as he would leave the decision only to me, and I would definitely not like to make it alone. He said that from my words it’s rather clear that I don’t want to have a second child (I have daughter from previous relationship I’m raising up alone). I don’t know what to think about that. How shall I understand his words? Does it all make sense? He says he has never felt love and that he doesn’t know if this will ever happen, still, he wants to see me and is considering having a family in case something happens unexpectedly. I’m really confused...is he trying to tell me that he treats me seriously, despite the fact that he will maybe never “love” me?

 

[Alexej]

What is the definition of "love"? and do you have an agreement on what that is and what that looks like for him and for you? If he is using a definition of love which requires him to have certain feelings (perhaps as in the movies) then that definition of love may never fit him.

(In this i am drawing on my own experience - where what I call love and what my wife calls love are quite different). Hence my suggestion to explore what love means to each of you and how you experience and identify it.


BTW - a lot of Aspies have alexythmia which may also be a factor for him - have you explored that one?
All the best on working this through with him

 

[Lena_131309]

What is the definition of "love"? and do you have an agreement on what that is and what that looks like for him and for you? If he is using a definition of love which requires him to have certain feelings (perhaps as in the movies) then that definition of love may never fit him.

(In this i am drawing on my own experience - where what I call love and what my wife calls love are quite different). Hence my suggestion to explore what love means to each of you and how you experience and identify it.


BTW - a lot of Aspies have alexythmia which may also be a factor for him - have you explored that one?
All the best on working this through with him

Thank you very much for your feedback Alexej. I really appreciate that.

What is “love” in general and what is “love” for us? That’s a very good question. I believe he tried to tell me that he has never felt that “movie like” “butterflies in your stomach” feeling that you have mentioned above and most of us has experienced on different stages of our life. He said that he loves his parents, but that’s different feeling for him. And yes, I believe alexythmia is part of his syndrome, as he has difficulties with explaining his feelings and finding words when I ask him “emotional” questions. But he tries very much to answer with his own words. On the other hand, he tries to be attentive when it comes to my feelings. I can see that he cannot always recognize them directly, sometimes at all, but he tries to ask “Are you ok?”, “Do you feel fine or is something wrong?” etc. Sometimes, when he gets anxious and replies too direct, or even in a bit rude (from my perspective) way, I tell him that his answer made me feel not really nice and that there is no reason for such a strong reaction. And he accepts that.

We haven’t talk about our “definition” of love, as the conversation today was very spontaneous and I could sense that it was not easy for him to talk like that. Still, he tried to answer all my questions and was very honest about his limitations (like not making plans or setting up goals for the future), but also about his desires (to have kids one day). I didn’t want to push him to much, not to make him feel uncomfortable, as at some point he even said “I think I will soon lose my ability to answer your questions in different than unemotional way”....I’m really happy though that we were able to have this conversation, despite how difficult it was, especially for him.
I think I need to work on my own confidence in our relationship, to make sure that I don’t project my own fears or concerns (like the one about hookup) on him, as he is so gentle, honest, “innocent” and gives me no reasons to doubt in him. It’s so difficult though, but I’m trying to make it work, for both of us.

 

[Alexej]

He said that he loves his parents, but that’s different feeling for him.

IS that love or duty. I am not trying to be cold and analytical here - but more drawing on my experience and trying to pass that on.

On the other hand, he tries to be attentive when it comes to my feelings. I can see that he cannot always recognize them directly, sometimes at all, but he tries to ask “Are you ok?”, “Do you feel fine or is something wrong?” etc.

That may not be too hard. he is not focussing on HIS feelings, but focussing on you. This is good for the relationship and you will feel validated, but where is he really in himself.

We haven’t talk about our “definition” of love, as the conversation today was very spontaneous and I could sense that it was not easy for him to talk like that. Still, he tried to answer all my questions and was very honest about his limitations (like not making plans or setting up goals for the future), but also about his desires (to have kids one day). I didn’t want to push him to much, not to make him feel uncomfortable, as at some point he even said “I think I will soon lose my ability to answer your questions in different than unemotional way”....I’m really happy though that we were able to have this conversation, despite how difficult it was, especially for him.

sounds like you judged well in deciding when to take your foot off the pedal and not drive things more. Good.

.. he even said “I think I will soon lose my ability to answer your questions in different than unemotional way”....I’m really happy though that we were able to have this conversation, despite how difficult it was, especially for him..

I am glad he realised his limitations and was able to verbalise that with you. This sounds like a good place for him to be, and also for you to be in relationship with him.


However, in posting my replies I am basing things on my experience of life and only recently coming to a diagnosis myself, so if I am wrong in what I am saying go with your gut.