I am sick of humanity in general.

[Horsegirl]

I have come to the conclusion that I hate the human species. With a few exceptions. There has been so much crap I have had to deal with, none of which is my fault, all of which could have been prevented were it not for the idiots that surround me. I won't go into detail about that here, because some of you already know and besides if I said everything that has happened to me in the past month then this post would be five freaking feet long. But humanity hates me. And humanity doesn't understand WHAT IT'S LIKE TO HAVE AN OVER ACTIVE BRAIN THAT WILL NOT SHUT THE HECK UP AND OVERREACTS TO EVERYTHING LIKE NOISE AND EYE CONTACT AND SO MUCH OTHER CRAP THAT NEUROTYPICALS COULD NEVER DREAM OF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To those mindless people who think my struggles are a joke: TRY. HAVING. MY. BRAIN. FOR ONE. FREAKING. DAY!!!!!!! YOU'LL BE SINGING A DIFFERENT TUNE THEN!!!!!!!! TRY NOT BEING ABLE TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE!!!!!!! TRY HAVING EVERY LITTLE NOISE SCARE THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOU!!!!! Try being constantly told that you are "too uptight" when EVERY LITTLE THING TIPS YOU OVER THE EDGE!!!!!!! It's not fun.
To those people who know what I go through: How the heck do you do it??? I obviously can't handle anything and a bunch of you can. I'm so jealous. How the heckio????


Sorry for the very aggressive post.

 

[Theta.G]

If people are the source of the problem start cutting some out of your life. Or...

Become a hermit.

Sure, it has it's challenges. But it's better than having to look over your shoulder all the time.

 

[Isadoorian]

I agree w/ Hdphn33; I've always been a hermit, keeping to myself... my last 2 years of High School I had no friends and generally ate by myself at lunch

also, "How the heckio".... a new phrase for me to use

 

[Horsegirl]

If people are the source of the problem start cutting some out of your life. Or...

Become a hermit.

Sure, it has it's challenges. But it's better than having to look over your shoulder all the time.

I cant exactly "cut people out of my life." I'm 13, I need to go to school, I can't make my own decisions, so I just have to stick it out and deal with idiots.

 

[Graphin]

Barely sane -
What I hear while trying to do some good sleeping:
Occasionally the heater makes flowing noises or makes noise from thermal tensions when cooling down.
The fridge sometimes turns on, behind 2 closed doors it's audible
A clock behind 2 closed doors, for some reason my parents insist on one despite the room having 3 non ticking ones already.
The bathroom has no window, the ventilation needs 20 minutes to cool down after turning off the light and is also audible behind 2 closed doors.
The bed screeching, because why not.
If I don't unplug electronics, about a fourth of those things will make some kind of high pitched ringing even when turned off.
Some small insect (s)flying around that came in through an open window a week ago.
I occasionally can hear neighbours walking, dog, rarely tv.
Because I am in the outskirts of a smaller city, there naturally will always be audible vehicles, and people walking and shouting.
I always have minor ear ringing

That is just the regular stuff, while my parents are not home.

 

[Horsegirl]

Barely sane -
What I hear while trying to do some good sleeping:
Occasionally the heater makes flowing noises or makes noise from thermal tensions when cooling down.
The fridge sometimes turns on, behind 2 closed doors it's audible
A clock behind 2 closed doors, for some reason my parents insist on one despite the room having 3 non ticking ones already.
The bathroom has no window, the ventilation needs 20 minutes to cool down after turning off the light and is also audible behind 2 closed doors.
The bed screeching, because why not.
If I don't unplug electronics, about a fourth of those things will make some kind of high pitched ringing even when turned off.
Some small insect (s)flying around that came in through an open window a week ago.
I occasionally can hear neighbours walking, dog, rarely tv.
Because I am in the outskirts of a smaller city, there naturally will always be audible vehicles, and people walking and shouting.
I always have minor ear ringing

That is just the regular stuff, while my parents are not home.

Oh my gosh I know!!! I swear I hear everything. Right now my alarm clock is making a high pitched noise. And my downstairs sink is doing something, I dont wven know what. My door is creaking. The bathroom fan is on and I'm not allowed to turn it off because my stepdad is taking a shower and making more noise. My fan above my bed is shifting somehow. Something is ticking. I'm not sure what. It doesn't sound like a clock.
Oh and let's not forget the five million people texting me and TEASING ME ABOUT ALL THIS. And adding more noise to my atmosphere

 

[Graphin]

Fan above bed? never was allowed to get one.
I'm in an apartment
The worst is when somebody turns on the water boiler / kettle, I just jump up

 

[Horsegirl]

I swear my furnace is trying to kill me. It keeps making whirring noises. And every time it does i jump out of my skin

 

[Graphin]

Do you use earplugs?
Also why would you get lots of texts teasing you

 

[Horsegirl]

Do you use earplugs?
Also why would you get lots of texts teasing you

Yes I use earplugs. But they dont do much.
Short answer to the texts thing:
Apparently "I'm so uptight I'm no fun and no one likes me."
At least according to some idiots in my grade.

 

[Graphin]

Strange, almost nobody in my previous school knew how to contact me

 

[Suzanne]

When I was your age, I had no idea what was wrong with me and so did the best I could.

Hated school and for many years, hated birds singing, to denote a new day of intense mental struggle.

I escaped into the world of books. And often it was said: where is she? I was there, but silent.

I often wished nasty people dead. No question on how they got there. But what I meant was: go away and leave me alone, but could not process the emotion.

If you have your own space, escape into your world for a while.

Your post reminded me of a video I saw fairly recently. A guy put on head phones that mimicked what a schizophrenic has to deal with.

Within seconds, the guy said that the voices stopped him concentrating.

Now, he could have removed the headphones, but he found mentally he was not able to.

At the end of the experiment, he said that he now gets what these people have to go through and wonders how on earth they function and thus, all respect due.

I have closed down for socialising and although I am an adult, I still have to battle with my husband not getting it and mentally pumelling me.

 

[Fino]

I agree about the humans. And no need to apologize to us.

Who are the bunch of us that can handle it that you're referring to? And what does it mean to handle it? To survive? That would mean you're handling it! Or does it mean to be happy?

Part of the problem is that you're thirteen. Everything is harder when you're thirteen. I couldn't handle it. But I did? Depends on what "handling it" means.

But even without a specific meaning, anyone who seems to be dealing with these things better than you is likely doing so just from having more experience, aka, not thirteen.

 

[Progster]

I have coping mechanisms - I cope by exerting as much control over my personal environment as possible - I have my own space, a room in the house at the back where it's quieter where I work and play, when I go out I cope by wearing earplugs if its noisy, or headphones and and music, if I don't like a place, I leave and go home or I don't have to participate if I don't want to - I stim or pace a lot to try to block out or overrride negative feelings and reactions, and I really don't care how I look or what people might think of that because it's none of their business, it's my life, not theirs.

At 13 it's more difficult, because you are still dependent on other adults - be patient, things do get easier when you get older because you have more control over your environment.

 

[sidd851]

I don't have that difficulty with those
types of noises.
Oh, I definitely have the "overactive brain"
thing going on.
I definitely have the "hear a mouse fart
at a thousand yards" hearing sensitivity
going on.
For some reason, sounds must be loud or really obnoxious to bother me.
It's almost as if my overactive brain runs in the background, analyzing them.
Lets me relax while it does the work.
Of a hundred sounds, each with its own patterns, rhythms, and oddities, let one
change, slightly---I'll wake out of a dead sleep.
Let one noise that is not normal get added to the cacophony--- again, wake out of a dead sleep, or immediately know that someone or something is approaching, something suddenly morphed to a different state of repair, or that something
has been moved, added, or taken away.
In a way, it is maybe a little relief, that my
overactive brain has found something
to occupy itself.
Indeed, it is difficult for someone to approach my house or apartment, because it changes the shape, or the quality of ambient or other sounds, even if they are silent in their approach.
I'm kind of thankful for my overactive brain.
Kind of like having a watchdog that never sleeps.
I think that at one time, when I was young, I experienced the irritation of so many noises.
I think that I either changed my approach to them--- or just became accustomed to them.

Related: Ever get that incredibly high pitched "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"
that doesn't stop or go away no matter what you do that seems like it's in your ear?
I found that meditation helped with that.
In meditation, one doesn't "zone out", or
"turn off", or "ignore" everything, on the contrary--- you practice to observe, without internal or external comment or judgement, no internal dialogue or examination.
Just observe.
After becoming rather, mmm... proficient at this practice, I discovered that the
"eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" sound, if I simply welcomed it, searched it out, disappeared, usually within 3 seconds or so!
Counterintuitive, yes.
Takes a little practice, yes.
Worth it? Definitely.

As for humanity, I, you, we, are a part of it.
I fully believe that most of the population is simply ignorant to the fact that analysis
is interesting, enjoyable, and profitable,
even if used only for personal development.
So many people "choose" an ego, then spend a lifetime fruitlessly attempting to justify it.
Why not choose freewill, and let the observations shape the ego?

There are worthwhile people out there.
You've found quite a few right here.

Don't judge yourself by their standards.
Oh, be kind, be patient, be tolerant, be forebearing, but don't let their shallow, frivolous, simple, judgemental notions
define you.
You're destined for a rich life and
amazing experiences and revelations.
Them--- not so much.

Eh.
I ramble.
Again.

May you be well.

sidd

 

[invisibility003]

Ugh yes, I totally agree with you, Horsegirl. I can't understand why NTs and other people who aren't on the spectrum can't be more understanding and accept us and anyone different for who they are. I mean, many people are, but its just people at school who stare and stare and stare when I stim at school and do things that would be classified as "weird" when it's just normal for me. Sometimes I feel like saying to them, "Um...I'm autistic, okay. It's called "being myself". Quit bloody staring at me!" but I am not the kind of person who would say that (I get too nervous talking to people) and I just say nothing. Though its all good them staring at me, I guess. I hate it, but it's not exactly normal behaviour to swipe my hand like a cat and make cat noises while jiggling my leg rapidly (a more normal stim) and waving my hands around madly when I get frustrated during an exam. So I guess I can't blame them. BUT I REALLY BLOODY HATE IT! (Excuse my slight use of language please!)

Personally, I have little strategies in place for when I am upset and angry and on the verge of a meltdown because of noise and just over everything. I try listening to music which often calms me down if I'm in school, or doing something I enjoy, like reading. I also have earplugs for when I'm at school and go out which block out background noises but I can still hear the teacher talking in class. They help me quite a bit when it's quieter, but not when for example, I am in a room full of screaming cheering people. If I am in that situation, I make my cat noises (stims) and try to get out of there as soon as I can to a place that is nice and quiet like the school library (my favourite place at school). I hope you don't think I am weird for saying I make cat noises when I get upset - a lot of people do think that is weird and strange, well it is looking at it that way, but its just how I am, I can't help it a lot of the time, it makes me feel better. Maybe you could try noise cancelling headphones or earplugs to use when you are in noisy situations or leave the area if there are too much people??

Jessie

 

[SusanLR]

For some reason, sounds must be loud or really obnoxious to bother me.
It's almost as if my overactive brain runs in the background, analyzing them.
Lets me relax while it does the work.
Of a hundred sounds, each with its own patterns, rhythms, and oddities, let one
change, slightly---I'll wake out of a dead sleep.
Let one noise that is not normal get added to the cacophony--- again, wake out of a dead sleep, or immediately know that someone or something is approaching, something suddenly morphed to a different state of repair, or that something
has been moved, added, or taken away.

When I was a child, I ran around with cotton stuffed into my ears.
I couldn't stand fireworks, heavy machinery noise, traffic sounds and such.
As I grew older things started changing and I developed the same way of the seemingly overactive
brain being always aware, even in a dead sleep.
If I go to sleep with music playing softly, I wake up as soon as it stops.
Same with any of the many night sounds. Somehow I know if there is even a short interruption in
the electricity around me sound. Like when it goes off for a split second.
Same with knowing if someone is approaching my room.
There is even a change in the overall sound of night turning into day.
Never could explain this, but, glad to see someone else has the same sensitivity to this "morphing" sense.

I can't seem to rid the tinnitus ringing in my ears though.
If I can be very relaxed, but, this is rare, it semi leaves.

Age 13 was when my sensitivities and anxiety started getting worse.
I also developed some physical ailments and my parents let me home school high school.
Then I was able to go to University even though not comfortably.
It was more interesting and I had gained more control of self by then.

 

[Autistamatic]

How the heck do you do it???

I don't all the time, but as you get older, pass adulthood and get more control in your life you get more freedom to shape your world to suit you.
I still have to go to work which brings most of the same torments as school does for you but the rest of my life I can shape to my needs. I don't choose to socialise any more because it causes more heartache than joy, I don't do social media as myself now for the same reasons, I am able to invest my emotional energy into my wife rather than spread it thinly over dozens of acquaintances.
I can buy appliances that suit my sensitivities and set timers to the best times for me, choose what kind of clocks I have and so on...
It does get a little easier as you get older because you learn how to moderate yourself better and avoid triggers, but also because you are more in control of your life and not at the mercy of school or living under someone else's roof. It doesn't all go away though. You just get better at dealing with it.
Being a teenager is hard, even for NT kids, and some of the nasty behaviour being directed at you is sadly part of the way some of them cope with their own struggles growing up.
It does get a bit easier but it takes both personal investment in learning what to avoid and what works for you and just seeing the next few years through so you can lead the life you choose, not what is given.
I am sick of society but not of humanity. There are plenty of decent people out there, they just don't know it yet. 60 years ago racism was common because most people believed untrue ideas about people of different skin colours that were fed to them until people like Rosa Parks and MLK challenged things. Racism still exists in the west a but is now a minority rather than a majority view. The same kind of people are just as ignorant of neurodiversity now as they were of race then. If we, as a community, keep challenging those ideas of who and what we are we will eventually find attitudes changing and there won't be so many people to be sick of, there will be more support and acceptance so people like us will have less to separate us from everyday life.
For now, we can only work within their system and try to make it better. Intelligent, thoughtful, sensitive people like you @Horsegirl can be vital to that cause of changing the world for the better. Build up that pioneer spirit, tough it out for the next couple of years and come out fighting! You hate the world you live in? Then you can help change it. An overactive brain is a brain that can pour out ideas and absorb information. You are a much stronger person than you realise and have potential waiting to shine.

 

[sidd851]

When I was a child, I ran around with cotton stuffed into my ears.
I couldn't stand fireworks, heavy machinery noise, traffic sounds and such.
As I grew older things started changing and I developed the same way of the seemingly overactive
brain being always aware, even in a dead sleep.
If I go to sleep with music playing softly, I wake up as soon as it stops.
Same with any of the many night sounds. Somehow I know if there is even a short interruption in
the electricity around me sound. Like when it goes off for a split second.
Same with knowing if someone is approaching my room.
There is even a change in the overall sound of night turning into day.
Never could explain this, but, glad to see someone else has the same sensitivity to this "morphing" sense.

I can't seem to rid the tinnitus ringing in my ears though.
If I can be very relaxed, but, this is rare, it semi leaves.

Age 13 was when my sensitivities and anxiety started getting worse.
I also developed some physical ailments and my parents let me home school high school.
Then I was able to go to University even though not comfortably.
It was more interesting and I had gained more control of self by then.

I'm still carefully trying to piece together a lot of my childhood experience.
I don't want to change the raw experience of it with expectations, or trying too hard to explain it. I want the memories to stay as accurate as possible.
I also felt my anxieties rise, about the age,
I'm going to guess beginning around 10 or
11, rising to fever pitch around 13.
But I think it was aligned with my growing self awareness.
Self awareness and anxiety were nonexistent, grew, and peaked quite in parallel.
To the age of 8 or 9, I had little or no sense of self, or anxieties.
I was... the observer.
There was confusion, sometimes, but no
sense of panic or crisis 'til I was older.
I am still examining, but I think that I was much, much more affected by ASD then.
I am coming to the conclusion that I was, at one time, totally alexithemic, or there was no emotion.

 

[Progster]

Apparently "I'm so uptight I'm no fun and no one likes me."

Yes, I got told the same thing - this is something i find difficult... the pressure to be fun all the time, always cheerful, happy, smiling, to always be humorous, and if you are not, then you are ignored, rejected or not included.