I am struggling with depression

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Because no one is one my side and everyone uses and abuses me to their own means and ends
I cannot even run to God because He always finds a new way to abuse me or bring me down even through severe sickness and trauma, you have enough people in the world to do that and trauma is trying to heal from that
It is hard leading a lonely life with very little support or childhood trauma
I often wonder if God is not for me and He did not really create anyone to truly love me or treat me right why am I here?
I am an affectionate person and I guess souls are just not created the same as me...idk
I have struggled with faith because I want to live my way and not feel like it is wrong, I struggle enough with being different and feeling like everything I love will just be taken, my happiness, my joy, my light
I want to live being true to myself.
I would never know the way I would live a regular life or what I am capable of

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Because no one is one my side and everyone uses and abuses me to their own means and ends

Perhaps to get some new people. No one needs that.

 

[elgat0verde]

Hi there

I've been there dude, I was there and am there sometimes still

I know exactly how you feel

What I can tell you is to look inside and stop looking outside, nobody will come to save you, you gotta save yourself

If you feel like you need therapy seek it, there is no shame in asking for help!

Honestly I never have done therapy because I have been struggling with chronic depression for 26 years so I know how to pull myself out of the sadness.

Not everyone is the same and, again, there is no shame in seeking help if you feel like you need it.

Start accepting and trusting, it's what i've been doing as of late, just trusting the universe and letting things be.

I once read "be comfortable with not knowing"

I hope things get better for you!

 

[The Pandector]

I’ve felt this way so often over the years that I don’t know how much it is actually happening, and how much I am simply perceiving it that way out of thought habit. When everyone is throwing rocks, it’s hard to tell when a friend is knocking. Not to get all weird, but if I knew where you live, I would drop everything right now, come over and hug you tight, and we’d play cribbage and watch old movies until we fell asleep. The hug would be so genuine that you wouldn’t even remember you don’t like hugs.

There are people around here that care about you. I’m pretty sure there are people in your neighborhood who do as well. I hope you can dodge the rocks from others long enough to identify the good guys out there and let them in to visit. Peace to you.

 

[Wolfnox]

I have struggled with faith because I want to live my way and not feel like it is wrong

On this trust your faith. God does love you and he always will.

 

[wildshy]

Because no one is one my side and everyone uses and abuses me to their own means and ends
I cannot even run to God because He always finds a new way to abuse me or bring me down even through severe sickness and trauma, you have enough people in the world to do that and trauma is trying to heal from that
It is hard leading a lonely life with very little support or childhood trauma
I often wonder if God is not for me and He did not really create anyone to truly love me or treat me right why am I here?
I am an affectionate person and I guess souls are just not created the same as me...idk
I have struggled with faith because I want to live my way and not feel like it is wrong, I struggle enough with being different and feeling like everything I love will just be taken, my happiness, my joy, my light
I want to live being true to myself.
I would never know the way I would live a regular life or what I am capable of

I think the same lovely, I remember trying to kill myself when I was 12.. my dad was there he threw the poison away

 

[Rodafina]

One of the few guarantees that comes with living every single day is that things can change. I hear the sadness and desperation in your words and I can only hope that there are brighter and happier times ahead for you as you deal with your past and move into the future with peace in your heart.

 

[Tom]

Clinical depression can be quite serious. Perhaps you should consider seeing a medical professional like psychcologist or therapist. You might also be able to address some of your concerns about autism.

 

[Aspychata]

There wouldn't be a any good reason for God to not love you. However, people are a whole different standard. Today, you can only love yourself. But you can't expect others to love or even like you. It's just a reality, it's not anything personal. Some people are blessed with good luck, others are blessed with crap. Life sometimes feels like a card game, and it's luck of the draw. Maybe your mindset might be faulty? Do you think in negatives about everything? If you do, you may want to consider if you are depressed?

 

[Ken]

Because no one is one my side and everyone uses and abuses me to their own means and ends
I cannot even run to God because He always finds a new way to abuse me or bring me down even through severe sickness and trauma, you have enough people in the world to do that and trauma is trying to heal from that
It is hard leading a lonely life with very little support or childhood trauma
I often wonder if God is not for me and He did not really create anyone to truly love me or treat me right why am I here?
I am an affectionate person and I guess souls are just not created the same as me...idk
I have struggled with faith because I want to live my way and not feel like it is wrong, I struggle enough with being different and feeling like everything I love will just be taken, my happiness, my joy, my light
I want to live being true to myself.
I would never know the way I would live a regular life or what I am capable of

I definitely hear you! That has been my life - sort of. The difference is that I never had any help or support or encouragement at any point in my life to compare it to. I never knew what I was missing. I have just accepted all the abuse, neglect and punishment for being me as the way it is. I have been suicidally depressed all my life. It's a wonder I'm still here. (I know why, but that is not appropriate here.)

Below is not advice or any suggestion to you in anyway. I am simply sharing my beliefs that are derived from my experiences. You are free to use or discard if it is helpful or not. I do hope it may be of some help and hope none is hurtful.

My beliefs about God:
You, me and everyone is God's creation. He truly loves all of us - including you. I believe he has to; we are his creation and he never makes mistakes. Sometimes, or perhaps even most of the time, it may not seem so. But the world is immense and complicated far beyond our comprehension.

I believe that if one believes that God moves in mysterious ways, that only means they are not paying attention - too short focused. I do not believe God holds any secrets. It only seems so because of our limited ability to perceive and understand the mechanisms of God's methods.

I believe everything that happens, happens for a reason. It may ultimately be for a good reason, even though I can't see it in the moment or in the future. Even if it catastrophically devastates me.

I see people with extreme birth defects being blessed with incredible abilities - even beyond those without the defects. That's not me, but it makes me very happy to see and know that. It gives me faith. I know that God is not against me or is not paying attention to me even if it doesn't seem so. I do not believe they, or anyone has God's favor over me. We are all unique individuals with unique lives and purposes. That is my faith.

I believe that God has no control over anyone's freewill. People are free to do good or bad things. Obviously, they do so all the time, all over the world. People doing bad things, to me, does not mean that is God's will, it is their freewill.

Spoiler: possible trigger

I believe that we are all here for a reason. I believe we are here to do a job. I believe we are here for an education (I don't mean human made education.) I do not believe it is God's job to make me all happy and comfy. I believe I am here to learn about life and to use what I learn to help others. Often the lessons are hard to take, causing great misery, pain and permanent damage. I just know that it is a lesson that I am supposed to learn. That my life is school and I have to learn about hardships, by the best possible learning tool; experience. I don't think Mother Teresa had an easy life, but she sure helped a lot of people. She learned how to do that through her own hardships.

It was pointed out that a previous reply of mine was hurtful. Realizing that is very painful to me. I do hope there is nothing that is hurtful in this post. If it is, please let me know and I will never do it again. I apologize in advance if so.

 

[Kayla55]

I'm older and just feel like I wasted my life, I feel trapped as if I'll still never be free,
Apparently something about faith and asking so that one may receive, God doesn't always protect us we must ask God to bless our lives.
Well it gets harder as my career took slump for a while motherhood, I didn't give same time so wish I could say it's easy but it's lonely, now I'm on a farm and gosh the ways of NT annoy me. Autism is never easy, being Mom I worry my son will hold down a job and be ok

 

[Xinyta]

Because no one is one my side and everyone uses and abuses me to their own means and ends
I cannot even run to God because He always finds a new way to abuse me or bring me down even through severe sickness and trauma, you have enough people in the world to do that and trauma is trying to heal from that
It is hard leading a lonely life with very little support or childhood trauma
I often wonder if God is not for me and He did not really create anyone to truly love me or treat me right why am I here?
I am an affectionate person and I guess souls are just not created the same as me...idk
I have struggled with faith because I want to live my way and not feel like it is wrong, I struggle enough with being different and feeling like everything I love will just be taken, my happiness, my joy, my light
I want to live being true to myself.
I would never know the way I would live a regular life or what I am capable of

I know this pain.

I know this pain still.

It's hard to escape the traps of our own mind. But it can be done. It can be fixed. I have been down a very rough road myself. But part of the process of fixing and healing yourself is to not only admit you issues, but acknowledge your struggles and forgive yourself. Negativity we've trained ourselves to fall into, makes giving one's self grace hard. But making an effort is the only way to start getting past it. Practice positivity a bit at a time every day is the only way forward.

Standing up to our own torment always takes work. But it's a hard yet rewarding journey. And the journey is the best part, no matter how painful it maybe for a while.

 

[Aspychata]

@Kayla55 l worried too about my daughter. And l always worried about myself. Thanks for being so honest. We do worry about our ability to pass, and hold meaningful employment.
@Xinyta This is a great post. Thank you for your contribution. I definitely walk the negative walk. You are stressing that we need to examine our bias, then step outside of it. Very insightful. We can roll around in negativity, or we can make the conscious choice to roll in positivity.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Hi there

I've been there dude, I was there and am there sometimes still

I know exactly how you feel

What I can tell you is to look inside and stop looking outside, nobody will come to save you, you gotta save yourself

If you feel like you need therapy seek it, there is no shame in asking for help!

Honestly I never have done therapy because I have been struggling with chronic depression for 26 years so I know how to pull myself out of the sadness.

Not everyone is the same and, again, there is no shame in seeking help if you feel like you need it.

Start accepting and trusting, it's what i've been doing as of late, just trusting the universe and letting things be.

I once read "be comfortable with not knowing"

I hope things get better for you!

With my autism I have to know or I get excessively fearful..
I get overwhelming anxiety when I do not.
And I struggle to accept and believe a life of negativity, I like to believe in the good.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I’ve felt this way so often over the years that I don’t know how much it is actually happening, and how much I am simply perceiving it that way out of thought habit. When everyone is throwing rocks, it’s hard to tell when a friend is knocking. Not to get all weird, but if I knew where you live, I would drop everything right now, come over and hug you tight, and we’d play cribbage and watch old movies until we fell asleep. The hug would be so genuine that you wouldn’t even remember you don’t like hugs.

There are people around here that care about you. I’m pretty sure there are people in your neighborhood who do as well. I hope you can dodge the rocks from others long enough to identify the good guys out there and let them in to visit. Peace to you.

Thank you<3
I like old movies and I really like unique things.
I cannot tell in my mind why I cannot find love that is lasting and satisfying
And I have really struggled with that..makes no sense

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

On this trust your faith. God does love you and he always will.

I cannot trust and I certainly try at times but get overwhelming my fearful.
And I think God knows this because He never let the holy spirit touch my life despite choosing me as a child of faith.
And I have really struggled with this and it has turned out as a wrestle for me.
I cannot have anything that binds me and confines me, I need to have freedom in my soul to express and feel the way I need and sometimes want.
So if faith tells me I cannot feel a certain way then I cannot help but feel that way anyway
And if like I am supposed to use this as a gift I certainly try but have a still inner soul wrestle about it on many more layers than one.
I do not think faith should be for people who fit one box or type or limit behaviours, thoughts and beliefs
Yet I have always felt God loved me for me.
But it can blow things out of proportion for me yet I get sick of beimg a rebel who does not enjoy being a rebel but knows it is right.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Clinical depression can be quite serious. Perhaps you should consider seeing a medical professional like psychcologist or therapist. You might also be able to address some of your concerns about autism.

I have trauma with psst mental doctors which is a hard issue.
I do not believe they should abuse you or take away your rights or choice.
To me that breaks your duty of Care which is probably something you sign when you work in a hospital or something or get your medical certificate for practicing medicine or working as a nurse so therefore you break the law and you should have your medical certificate stripped and maybe face jail depending on how bad your breech was.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

There wouldn't be a any good reason for God to not love you. However, people are a whole different standard. Today, you can only love yourself. But you can't expect others to love or even like you. It's just a reality, it's not anything personal. Some people are blessed with good luck, others are blessed with crap. Life sometimes feels like a card game, and it's luck of the draw. Maybe your mindset might be faulty? Do you think in negatives about everything? If you do, you may want to consider if you are depressed?

It is probably faulty I am that unwell.
I try not to think too negative, hard in a world that dwells persistently on it especially the things you see you social media.
I want God to love me, me to have my faith back and me to love myself...
I feel like I am wrong for loving myself.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I definitely hear you! That has been my life - sort of. The difference is that I never had any help or support or encouragement at any point in my life to compare it to. I never knew what I was missing. I have just accepted all the abuse, neglect and punishment for being me as the way it is. I have been suicidally depressed all my life. It's a wonder I'm still here. (I know why, but that is not appropriate here.)

Below is not advice or any suggestion to you in anyway. I am simply sharing my beliefs that are derived from my experiences. You are free to use or discard if it is helpful or not. I do hope it may be of some help and hope none is hurtful.

My beliefs about God:
You, me and everyone is God's creation. He truly loves all of us - including you. I believe he has to; we are his creation and he never makes mistakes. Sometimes, or perhaps even most of the time, it may not seem so. But the world is immense and complicated far beyond our comprehension.

I believe that if one believes that God moves in mysterious ways, that only means they are not paying attention - too short focused. I do not believe God holds any secrets. It only seems so because of our limited ability to perceive and understand the mechanisms of God's methods.

I believe everything that happens, happens for a reason. It may ultimately be for a good reason, even though I can't see it in the moment or in the future. Even if it catastrophically devastates me.

I see people with extreme birth defects being blessed with incredible abilities - even beyond those without the defects. That's not me, but it makes me very happy to see and know that. It gives me faith. I know that God is not against me or is not paying attention to me even if it doesn't seem so. I do not believe they, or anyone has God's favor over me. We are all unique individuals with unique lives and purposes. That is my faith.

I believe that God has no control over anyone's freewill. People are free to do good or bad things. Obviously, they do so all the time, all over the world. People doing bad things, to me, does not mean that is God's will, it is their freewill.

Spoiler: possible trigger

I believe that we are all here for a reason. I believe we are here to do a job. I believe we are here for an education (I don't mean human made education.) I do not believe it is God's job to make me all happy and comfy. I believe I am here to learn about life and to use what I learn to help others. Often the lessons are hard to take, causing great misery, pain and permanent damage. I just know that it is a lesson that I am supposed to learn. That my life is school and I have to learn about hardships, by the best possible learning tool; experience. I don't think Mother Teresa had an easy life, but she sure helped a lot of people. She learned how to do that through her own hardships.

It was pointed out that a previous reply of mine was hurtful. Realizing that is very painful to me. I do hope there is nothing that is hurtful in this post. If it is, please let me know and I will never do it again. I apologize in advance if so.

You have a good perceptive and it is good to be true to our perceptions.
I do not believe in a comfy life but autistics can be weak and sensitive and struggle with trauma and abuse too, that is how I am.
I do not like being in a state of conflict. But God gives me a fight in me but sometimes I end up hurting myself a lot too and taking it out on me and often it is me who gets hurt the most.

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I'm older and just feel like I wasted my life, I feel trapped as if I'll still never be free,
Apparently something about faith and asking so that one may receive, God doesn't always protect us we must ask God to bless our lives.
Well it gets harder as my career took slump for a while motherhood, I didn't give same time so wish I could say it's easy but it's lonely, now I'm on a farm and gosh the ways of NT annoy me. Autism is never easy, being Mom I worry my son will hold down a job and be ok

It is so hard :/
And I wish it gets easier for us both