I am Venkat from India, a self-diagnosed Autistic

[Shevek]

Hi Shevek,

I agree with you - self-knowledge is better than a diagnosis. Because I have experienced it.

3 years back, even after realizing that I was having many Autistic traits, I was in so deep a clutter internally, that I could not figure out the total big picture of inner me.
So, in the hope that a diagnosis will help me put all the pieces together, I went to a psychologist, and tried to explain my situation to him.
And, after 4 sessions, I was given a diagnosis of schizotypal personality disorder.
But, I could not accept it. So, I stopped continuing the sessions.
Because the diagnosis did not portray all that I was suffering. And the psychologist did not delve deeper into my issues.
I started reflecting deep into my self, talking to myself through my issues, my behaviors, observing myself, seeing myself objectively. Slowly, by God's grace, I came closer to seeing the full picture of my inner me.
[I am Not Religious person. When I say God, I refer to a Force that is beyond me, and observes me always, and guides me as and when needed.]
As I come closer to knowing myself, still I need an external validation of what I am, and what scars I have from my inner wounds in the past (because they still impact my present everyday life).
Because of my parents' total misattunement to me, my internal reality is completely out of sync with my external reality.
To integrate my internal and external realities, I am choosing to go for a diagnosis.
And, from the last diagnosis experience, I realize that I will have to keep persisting in my attempts to get a proper diagnosis, and be more assertive (now I have some clarity on what I am, unlike the last time).
Hope I have aswered your question for "where I am stuck".
Regarding my skills and interests, I will post in another reply.

It sounds as if you have made the diagnosis, but are shopping for an official stamp on it.

In my opinion psychatrists are not usually very bright, but they are not allowed to say "I don't know" even though they are generally baffled by someone with two or more of the recognized conditions. It seems to me the list of possible diagnoses keeps changing, becoming almost unrecognizable after several generations.
Everybody "needs" a good connection with their parents, but some parents don't connect with anyone. I got my best parenting from outside my family.

 

[All-Rounder]

"Both My parents always remained in their perception of me. They never tried to know me, through all these years." - that happened to me by 99% of everyone, and the perception was generally negative


"And I always had difficulty interpreting how I am perceived by others, if they don't express explicitly what they think of me." - Thats how i felt for a long time and sometimes I didnt know other people would be different but I knew they were very different in their speech, and I didn't know why nobody cared to be descriptive of their feelings, beliefs, perceptions, even colors. To me it has become so important that others told me what they liked about me and what they didn't and if they truly understood what I said or we had those things in common.

After I have started being extremely excplanatory, blunt and aggressive depending on the requirement of the situation and how they exploited my boundaries, things got strange then gradually quite bad and these toxic fights continued for many years, because though i was showing who I was, they were unwilling to understand, accept and even believe it with proof given. Additionally, any information provided was used to destroy my workplaces, relations and keep me dependent. Some people just need to be cut out, such is life. Whenever I tried to be nice and communicate things turned really bad for me, I will only be treated well if I completely ignore my mother, so I do. If I make a mistake (like allowing her approach) I pay heavily for it.



"I needed a parent with whom I had deep attunement. but that need remains unfulfilled" - I tried to get my mother as a child to interact with me but she was sustainably uninterested so I gave up on her, she would rather be alone with her cooking pots throughout the day or take me to the play park which terrotized me instead of playing together like my autistic needs probably and I also needed that emotional connection to her she never provided.

 

[All-Rounder]

"Having a perception of a person outside my family is Ok, but once I and that person are in a relationship, it is very important that I know that person, and that person knows me, and we make genuine attempts to know each other. Instead of just reacting to each other, as per our perceptions." - most relationships especially in real life end up being quick interactions, especially between family members, and it becomes shallow and superficial. It's quite sad and the wrong way things should be but such is life.

Sounds like you had a tough cold childhood, sorry to hear. Wish you healing and happiness.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

You will love this, for all intents and purpose I am starting to live in India or all my neighbors are Indian, close to majority of city also.

 

[vrmm]

"Having a perception of a person outside my family is Ok, but once I and that person are in a relationship, it is very important that I know that person, and that person knows me, and we make genuine attempts to know each other. Instead of just reacting to each other, as per our perceptions." - most relationships especially in real life end up being quick interactions, especially between family members, and it becomes shallow and superficial. It's quite sad and the wrong way things should be but such is life.

Sounds like you had a tough cold childhood, sorry to hear. Wish you healing and happiness.

Not just childhood, every moment of my life with my parents is tough and cold. Despite being the lesser privileged one, I had to think for them. They are emotionally immature, insensitive, indifferent. No support. It has always and still puzzles and suprises me - why are they even there in my life OR why I am born to them, if they are not genuine and do not open up before their own child. They don't express any intent to emotionally connect with me. They never had. For them, gossip is so important, what others think, how our family is perceived by the society is Important - not me, not the internal state of our family. All through my growing years, they just do their jobs, earning meagre salaries, always busy with their job, not sparing any time, to spend time with me.
Worse part of this, is that, their indifference to me - I could not detect earlier (my lack of self-awareness). Only recently, i found out.
.
relying on - my parents to serve as a mirror for me - to reflect on my self - WAS MY Mistake.

as a child and teenager, i grew up being attached to them, expecting them to be there for me always.
but, if you really care for someone, you will be there for him, despite not having the ability to help.

what my parents did was -
they completely occupied my life stage, when I needed the stage to express myself, and be myself - in my childhood and teenage years -- pushing me to do everything, making me feel that, I will always need to be pushed, and they will be there to push.
and as a after effect, now when I needed their support, they stay mere spectators OR silently disappear from my life stage, they are only physically present.

Now that they are old, after all that I received from them, I only see their bodies getting old, their mindsets - still the same.
If I am thriving on a psychological, emotional level - then ONLY it makes sense to think of others' physical troubles.

 

[vrmm]

You will love this, for all intents and purpose I am starting to live in India or all my neighbors are Indian, close to majority of city also.

which city in India ?

 

[vrmm]

Not just childhood, every moment of my life with my parents is tough and cold. Despite being the lesser privileged one, I had to think for them. They are emotionally immature, insensitive, indifferent. No support. It has always and still puzzles and suprises me - why are they even there in my life OR why I am born to them, if they are not genuine and do not open up before their own child. They don't express any intent to emotionally connect with me. They never had. For them, gossip is so important, what others think, how our family is perceived by the society is Important - not me, not the internal state of our family. All through my growing years, they just do their jobs, earning meagre salaries, always busy with their job, not sparing any time, to spend time with me.
Worse part of this, is that, their indifference to me - I could not detect earlier (my lack of self-awareness). Only recently, i found out.
.
relying on - my parents to serve as a mirror for me - to reflect on my self - WAS MY Mistake.

as a child and teenager, i grew up being attached to them, expecting them to be there for me always.
but, if you really care for someone, you will be there for him, despite not having the ability to help.

what my parents did was -
they completely occupied my life stage, when I needed the stage to express myself, and be myself - in my childhood and teenage years -- pushing me to do everything, making me feel that, I will always need to be pushed, and they will be there to push.
and as a after effect, now when I needed their support, they stay mere spectators OR silently disappear from my life stage, they are only physically present.

Now that they are old, after all that I received from them, I only see their bodies getting old, their mindsets - still the same.
If I am thriving on a psychological, emotional level - then ONLY it makes sense to think of others' physical troubles.

with both my parents, I have to accept them as they are. Otherwise, they shout, get upset, emotionally drain me.
But they never ever accepted me for what I am.
Expecting - a correction OR a response OR accountability - for their behaviors towards me - is a wasted effort.
With these kind of people, I am forced to develop indifference towards both my parents' actions, words, behaviors, which is a very difficult road to travel, but very much necessary for me.

 

[Shevek]

It sounds as if your parents were raised by people desperate to emulate the British, who held the keys to success. They have managed to cope with life by ignoring most of it, and have no skill at all at being what you want. They have probably never even seen other ways to be as real alternatives. We are all somewhat in shock from all the rapid changes over the last century. My situation was similar, and I had to leave to start my real education.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

which city in India ?

I live in Brampton Canada vert popular location for Indians to immigrate to.

 

[vrmm]

I live in Brampton Canada vert popular location for Indians to immigrate to.

in your earlier reply, I understood as: you were moving to India.
Now I understand: you are in a city majorly occupied by Indians.
Feel free to Keep posting about your interactions with your Indian neighbours. Would like to know.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

A real mix here Hindus , Muslims and Sikh. all getting along. Most interactions were when I worked, former lab partner was Indian, learned a lot about the culture. he retired before I did. Wish I Could eat more of the food too hot
stomach protests.

 

[vrmm]

A real mix here Hindus , Muslims and Sikh. all getting along. Most interactions were when I worked, former lab partner was Indian, learned a lot about the culture. he retired before I did. Wish I Could eat more of the food too hot
stomach protests.

Good to know. yes, Indian food is spicy. personally, I can't eat more spicy food.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Indian community here is now spreading into the smaller town outside out of Toronto as they realize, Cheaper
standard of living. As my Indian friends joked to me they get off the plane ang think the surrounding area around the airport is Canada. The town of Port Perry where I went to public School, just being discovered.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Just looked it up Bramptons east Indian population is currently just shy o 30%.

 

[All-Rounder]

with both my parents, I have to accept them as they are. Otherwise, they shout, get upset, emotionally drain me.
But they never ever accepted me for what I am.
Expecting - a correction OR a response OR accountability - for their behaviors towards me - is a wasted effort.
With these kind of people, I am forced to develop indifference towards both my parents' actions, words, behaviors, which is a very difficult road to travel, but very much necessary for me.

It's the same with my mother. I have to accept how she is in the sense that I know her downsides so that then I don't expect more from her. It's always like this with narcissistic parents and parents who are selfish however most parents are selfish in desiring a child. It is not a desire to create as much as to hove your own little being it is more for your own sake than for the sake of the child. So that is what I believe

However there are some parents which are very malignant. And I feel you're pain because there's a lot of people like us who have had a very rough childhood you have to get over that trauma and move on in life without relying on their parents it is truly hard to become independent when they rely on your codependency to them. So I think your best bet would be to become independent and stay as far as possibly from your parents.

I think the best thing would be to find connections outside to make friends, to meet people who might be able to help you in life, to support you, to provide you with information that your parents could not.

It is unreasonable to expect your parents at this point to actually change it's not up to us to change people it's up to themselves and if they do not change it is best to not be dragged into that toxic relationship anymore. I think the more that you argue with somebody who is unreasonable the more you are going to waste your energy spoons and the less energy you have to actually create independence in your life. that's actually what happened to me. It's so much more joy to just be self-sufficient and do your best to support yourself, to be by yourself, to do what's healthier for you then keep getting dragged into these conversations which don't help your growth.

I wish you the best and I hope that you'll find a way to distance from these toxic people in your life and they can recover and heal from the trauma from childhood and from now.