I can't cope being a single parent

[Pats]

And This is how I know I posted in the right place .

But also yes dispute all my reasons for wanting abortion my sister who yes I looked up to and trusted their opinion and well just like that figured they knew more then me so when they tell me it's not like that and it'll be different because it's your own , and that I wouldn't be alone in this and that all my concerns about not being able to peruse my career choice , and the way I would feel about things would not be a problem . When in fact my thoughts and feelings were bang on the nose and right. But when it happened I was in a vulnerable place mentally . My sister did not respect my ability to peruse my career and told me this after my daughter came to be .... So she figured it was better than nothing. She knew how difficult this would be and that once it in it that it screwed for life yet still encouraged me to give up my freedom. The thing she knew I valued the most. So yeah I am blaming her. Because a life deserved something to be special not dragged through mental health badness which I explained to her I was in **** with.

I prefer honesty and she was not honest with me!!!

As for getting on with it there is only so much forcing you can do 3 years on I'm out of steam and suicidal about the fact she exists and I allowed it.

She exists because she was meant to exist. Check with the foster care thing. You have reason to be angry with your sister, but it feels like you're also blaming your child somewhat for existing and you can't do that. I said before that for both (you and child) your well being and safety, if you can't do it, let someone who can. @the_tortoise mentioned some things about foster care that I did not know - you might want to call and check into some of those options.
I'm not clear on what your sister was doing - she figured having a child was better than what exactly? Did she think you wouldn't be able to do a career so be a mother instead?

 

[Major Tom]

I'm not a single parent, but I am an autistic parent of a severely autistic child, with no help other than his burnt out mother. I can understand a lot of what you described. I wish I had some advice, but I'm barely clinging to sanity myself. I hope you can find some kind of help or solution.

 

[Mary Terry]

I urge you to consider adoption. Your baby deserves a loving mother (ideally mother and father) who can cope with the difficulties of raising a child, and, as others said, babies are much easier to place with adoptive parents than older children. I didn't see where you stated your child's age but by about 18 months old, children should not be pooping on the floor and should alert you to a dirty diaper unless your child is autistic, too. My LFA nephew took many years to learn to use the toilet. His parents put up with poop all over the house, in the bath tub during baths, smeared on walls, etc. for years until he finally learned the concept of using the toilet, wiping his rear end, putting the soiled paper in the toilet, flushing the toilet, and washing his hands. Most children are potty trained by age 2, many younger than that, and properly use the toilet without supervision by age 3 or 4.

You deserve a life free of constant stress and depression caused by your inability to cope with this child. Don't let people shame you for your choices. If you don't want more children, then please investigate getting your tubes tied or other forms of permanent pregnancy prevention.

The status quo as you described it is not fair to either you or your baby. Both of you need help.

 

[Ylva]

I read some article about potty training kids by having them sit on the toilet a lot. Apparently you just hang out in the bathroom while they sit on the toilet until they have to use it. It's said to take about a week. It's incredibly sh*tty of her dad to teach her to go on your floor.

If I had a relative who did what your sister did I would demand that they pay up. She owes you a lot of babysitting. If she won't then you can ditch her. She is just an energy drain, it sounds like.

If you could somehow get a break from her and review the situation with some distance, maybe you'd see clearer what to do. On the one hand she won't stay three forever. On the other hand you'll have to take care of her in the meantime. Maybe adoption is the best solution, or maybe a relative can raise her. Maybe you want to build a relationship with her and maybe you don't.

Eta: Lists and mindmaps are good for problem solving.

 

[Mary Terry]

I basically potty-trained my children by bribing them with M&M candies. I did not care what "experts" or family or friends or anyone else said about my method because it worked and very quickly, too. I let them have 2 M&Ms for #1 and 5 M&Ms for #2. Because kids generally do not want to have dirty diapers or pants just like adults dislike it, they learn quickly how to avoid that uncomfortable sensation by using the toilet. You can then ween them off the M&Ms, and start establishing something of a regular bathroom schedule for them. It also teaches them how to count at an early age, LOL.

 

[taruga]

My daughter can count to 40 . She knows how to use the toilet but chooses not for a pooh. Apparently something to do with looking themselves and not wanting to let go .... when she used to go to dad's I'm not sure what or how but he often would neglect the fact she popped just before sleep and clearly didn't change nappy in time or even listen as she wasn't like it before. She was pooping on the toilet by 18 months and went through a backwards stage. This may of been stress from dad's. Something wasn't right.
She only wears a nappy of night and sometimes not at all.

Whoever said most children are fully potty trained by 2 are talking complete utter rubbish. Read deeper.


Yes time away from her allows me to press reset, process and actually relax the constant anxiety that underlies . I need that time and I need it regularly . I have the need to be by myself otherwise I'm never fully attuned or switched off . Like the day never ended and I have no concentration or head space to focus.

I don't blame her for her existence that I blame myself . But the noise and mental battles that are constant the mess disorganization through lack of space and time are all a go on much. My surroundings and everything in it are out of hand. I struggle to read her at times and fully get it . I struggle with shopping and the ethical battles behind it. With this I add cooking and food and what is a standard , a portion , a balance , and what's classed as not repetitive. Mix this up with a fussy toddler it's disaster. What makes me me is always over ruled by her needs as I like busy hands and the two require hands in different ways.

I hate my head torture and recently the intensity of it all is flooring me emotionally mentally and nothing left. My tolerance has been pushed behind. I'm not even sure I'm repairable any more.

I'm doomed either way

 

[taruga]

Oh and I didn't spot the page two. I apologise.

My daughter is a clever girl so bribes don't work often. She just tries to get them without doing the thing or decides she can do without if she really doesn't want to .

 

[Pats]

Hi Taruga. again. I agree with you that kids are not usually potty trained by 2 yrs old. And these days it's between 3-4. I'd say disposable diapers that stay dry has something to do with that - not as uncomfortable as cloth diapers used to be, or even the old disposables that bunched up.
Anyhow, that's not what I'm wanting to respond to. I don't know if you're thinking foster care or adoption or continuing to trudge through. One of the hardest things about babies and toddlers is their constant needs and it leaves no time for yourself. That's really hard to deal with, especially for someone on the spectrum because we so desperately need our down time and recovery time and with little ones, you just don't get it unless there is someone to literally take over here and there. I tend to be selfish with my time - I want to do the things I want to do and I think I got worse about that once my time was my own. I went so many years having to do for everyone else and not being able to do anything for me, that once I was able to have my own time it's hard for me to share it with anyone else. One of the things I do when I need to do things I don't want to do is tell myself that this time belongs to whoever and it makes it easier to give of my time.
If you do plan to trudge through, just keep in mind that these few years belong to your daughter and soon enough you will have all the time you want to yourself. You will have a clean, quiet house and actually miss the fingerprints on the windows and tripping over toys. Have you been able to talk to anyone yet about getting help?

 

[Ylva]

Maybe she's autistic.

Maybe she'll grow more intelligent/feel more stimulated if she's read to/learns to read/has an audio book to listen to.

 

[Fade2black]

I'm struggling with cooking and creating a plan that keeps going. Her tantrums are sometimes so bad the noise has made me lash out. The intensity of it all is too much. I'm starting to regularly meltdown or emotionally overload .

I realise my faults but at times I try to rectify them she continues to push me.

Sometimes just the smells of children like when she yet again has decided to pooh on the floor or gone to sleep with it can make me crumble act irrationally / freaked . ( this started when at her dad's and I've appeared not to be able to win at helping her with this , )

I wish I never had her;, I can't deal accept or love being a mum. I never wanted it but my sister encouraged me to, I realise now she never really understood my reasoning for not wanting a child and certainly not as a single parent. It's turned me into a vile disgusting human being.

I can't cope with the noise ,demand ,mess lack of space , disorganization, inability to organise myself n this house and most of all I truly feel sad when I'm forced to be around her.

I think I should put her up for adoption but it's already ruined my life . I'm full suicidal thoughts all the time. I never used to be so negative .

I'm a father and everything in the quote above I can 100% relate to. Adoption is NOT in the best interest of the child. Yet, if your mind and soul are pushed past what you can tollerate, that's also not in the best interest of the child. Family wants what's best but they may not understand the autistic mind and how utterly devastating day to day life can be for us. May I suggest seeing a therapist who specializes in Autism. Not to disect your thoughts, but who may be able to determine if you're fit to be a single parent. If you're determined not to be fit, there's no shame because your Autism is a medical condition out of your control. This may give some guidance on how to proceed with what's best for you and your child.

 

[Mary Terry]

I'm glad I'm part of the older generation who were able to potty train their children usually by age 2. It would be gross and frustrating to me to have to change the diapers of a 4 year old. My children were potty trained by age 20 months, 24 months and 27 months, and I used the disposable diapers of the day. Of course, I had to supervise toilet use until they became proficient at doing the tasks alone but they all headed toward the bathroom by themselves or told me they needed to go so I could help them. It is an interesting theory that the modern super absorbent disposable diapers contribute to delayed potty training by preventing the child from experiencing the discomfort of a dirty diaper. All children must first develop bladder and bowel control before they can be fully potty trained, and some children are faster than others to develop that muscular control.

I'm now a grandmother with very young grandchildren so I'll be watching to see how long it takes them to master the concept and skills of using a toilet and how my children teach their children to do it.

 

[taruga]

Thank you for your replies and input .
As already mentioned the toileting was a result of time at dad's... before that and "his help" poohs were a funny thing then something happened. I don't know what!!

Every time she came back our relationship and my ability to cope with her behaviour after going to his was brutally affected.
She doesn't she him now and lots of things improved/changed when that was stopped. ( this is a diff subject)

I'm told I'm a good parent .. for what ever that's worth.

Today I struggled with this ( I now have an answer) She threw a tantrum , whilst in tantrum mode hurt herself . Before I used to always see to her bumps only Every time she threw one she would inevitably hurt herself.

SO IGNORE a tantrum they say and don't give hugs when they do ... As it draws attention... any attention is attention.
Give cuddles and explanation after it's all over.

If a small child is hurt see to the hurt and give affection ...

So when the two are together? A lot of noise and emotion and confusion from me how to act or do . Leading me in a state of oh no again . Emotionally and logically pulling me apart. As the noise is unbearable I don't want to hug. Yet I have to .

I'm not seeing anyone from aspie team till Nov ( end of) . I'm seeing someone to talk about support of what's happening next at the end of the week.

Mental health team are nowhere to be seen .

 

[taruga]

So I'm writting here again just to update and speculate my ideas looking for answers.

I've just had my aspergers diagnosed. I'm feeling massive relief but also in shock . I'm expecting some kind of massive whiplash as I'm feeling a bit shaky inside but it's all been driven by the amount of services that are involved . My daughter started a new nursery which is great and supporting who also noticed I has aspergers before I was officially diagnosed. They are being wonderful but also have started to notice the ridgigty and stubnoness of my child.

I think my child is austic too . I've tried all the standard methods of behaviour management but I then decided to treat her as if she was autistic as in giving her extra times And 're thinking /reading her language she uses . She's responding better , we had a meltdown in a busy part of the Christmas market yday so I picking her up and removed her from the sound and then after a cuddle was fine.
She is fully potty trained now . I realised she needed more explanation why and with a trick of "the pooh jar" immediately has been using potty ever since .But now she's moved her focus to the bedroom light
She loves puzzles paint music singing trains castles and animals. When she was 2 she knew excesses of words but didn't really form sentences till much later even then they are phrases mostly picked up from her fav things to watch or things I've read or talked about . I noticed it all along but my support worker mentioned it could just be a attachment issue ..... I don't think this is so as she very much is excited to see me plays with me cuddĺes and kisses and mostly comes when she is hurt or upset to the point I find it intoxicating .

Can anyone give me some good pointers to how to assess my daughter as to whether this is a thing or not.

I believe my mum is autistic to and other members within my family . The problem I welcoming here is the fact that when my daughter was younger that I was always obsessed with development and milestones and always focussed on teaching them. When I noticed she wasn't pointing like other children I encouraged that. I also encouraged her to share and try to help her socialise even though I'm not good at it .

Any words of advice would be helpful x

 

[Pats]

Wow @taruga What a discovery. A discovery that seems to have made all the difference. Explains the difficulties you were having and explains the difficulties your child was having and explains why you ex has such a difficult time when your child is with him. It's important to know if your child has autism because it does take a different type of parenting skills and it sounds like you are mastering those. I'm actually happy for you. Although, there will be times when it's still hard, you will understand why and can make adjustments that you need for yourself and for your child. You sound so much better than you did before - thanks so much for letting us know how things are going.
Stay on here and talk to us, ask questions, whatever you need to do. Okay?
In knowing what you have a hard time with you will be able to better understand your child and her needs and help her. As she grows up and starts to realize that she is different, you will be able to relate and discuss these things and she will not feel completely alone.
You can ask your support worker about getting her evaluated, or you can just assume she is autistic and continue to teach her accordingly.

 

[taruga]

Weirdly I just came across information that states what not "parenting style" to follow and I learnt that children do do behaviours to manipulate their parents not to go somewhere. I never expected this to be a thing . However in reading the comparisons it has actually made me realise how differently I do think and also recalls from my own childhood enforcing these differences . You are right in the sense if she is then guidance and understanding should be very valid that I give and understand .
But the reading of these comparisons appears a valuable tool indeed.