I can't talk to my wife about my Aspergers

[Sashi]

You're not alone. My talking about it with family I live with...well, I might as well talk to a fence post. I tried having a discussion with my family doctor and I came away convinced I know more about asperger's than he does. On the bright side, I visited my 80-something year old neighbor who was a listening ear without the skepticism. At least, someone out there listened to me.

 

[Grenade]

I feel like she got a raw deal.

I think many of us might share your pain. I will find out this coming Tuesday about my autism diagnosis (or lack thereof). But my husband is sure I have Asperger's. This makes me glad because no matter what the official diagnosis, he recognizes my issues. He assures me that knowing about the Asperger's makes him love me even more. Now he knows that my anger, irritability, complaints about noise or two people talking to me at the same time, ETC. are coming from something I can't help. Still, it's a huge thing to know that even though we can't help it, in many ways being with us is truly a heavy thing at times. You are not alone.

 

[goneepi]

I think many of us might share your pain. I will find out this coming Tuesday about my autism diagnosis (or lack thereof). But my husband is sure I have Asperger's. This makes me glad because no matter what the official diagnosis, he recognizes my issues. He assures me that knowing about the Asperger's makes him love me even more. Now he knows that my anger, irritability, complaints about noise or two people talking to me at the same time, ETC. are coming from something I can't help. Still, it's a huge thing to know that even though we can't help it, in many ways being with us is truly a heavy thing at times. You are not alone.

I think she probably felt like before it was just quirks that I could control. Now that it's a "condition," I dunno, now it's something else.

 

[ovpt]

sorry to hear about your situation.

in my case. my ex wanted to be supportive of my dx but then also used guilt and shame in continuing to try to change me. she just did not know of any other strategies. this led to the failure of our marriage as i was not going to change fundamentally, neither was she.

if your spouse is set on changing/fixing you, then there really is no good outcome.

if you spouse is accepting of you and willing to change her own perceptions, then there is a good chance.

wish you the best

 

[goneepi]

sorry to hear about your situation.

in my case. my ex wanted to be supportive of my dx but then also used guilt and shame in continuing to try to change me. she just did not know of any other strategies. this led to the failure of our marriage as i was not going to change fundamentally, neither was she.

if your spouse is set on changing/fixing you, then there really is no good outcome.

if you spouse is accepting of you and willing to change her own perceptions, then there is a good chance.

wish you the best

It's not clear really. I think what's happened is she didn't realize the extent to which I was different, to which I suffered, to which I adapted, and knowing that is too much for her. I dunno.

 

[Sid Delicious]

I think a lot of people go into relationships thinking that with enough time and effort the other person can and will smooth out most of their annoying quirks. With some things this can work (for example, if it's an unconscious habit that the person wasn't aware of until informed, or a skill that is lacking but can be easily learned). Autism is incredibly difficult to unlearn, as it's a different wiring of the brain and a different way of information and sensory processing.

It's like someone who is colourblind being told to just 'learn to see the other colours'. Given enough time, they can probably rote learn what colours different objects are to everyone else and then repeat the correct colour when asked 'what do you see' in order to pass as normal. But they could never truly see the correct colours and they would likely still make mistakes with new or unfamiliar objects. They would never fully understand what certain colours 'mean'. That lack of understanding and constant mistakes in correct response may or may not annoy their partner.

Our world is designed on every level for the average neurotypical person, so autism is a greater problem than colourblindness. I dated a guy who was colourblind in college and as an artist it was sometimes difficult for me not being able to really show him my work. He could never completely see what I had created the same way that I could. For someone who is very visual and communicates better in images than in any other medium, it always felt as though something was missing between us. I imagine for an NT, having an autistic partner could feel like a more extreme version of the way I felt (I'm guessing anyway).

Some people may not care so much if there is a gap in communication. Other people, who entered into a relationship expecting their partner to change over time, might consider it more of a deal breaker.

 

[Oodee]

I'm sorry about your situation too. Some people seem to think that if you don't say something out loud, then it isn't true, and maybe that's the case with your wife.
I think it's great that my bf told me about his aspergers on our first "date" (we were at playground with my kid, so not really a proper date and I don't think we will ever go to one, because I don't need/like things like that), because then I went to the interwebs and started to learn things and it has made things a lot easier than what they would have been, if I didn't know. Of course even if I know things, it doesn't mean I understand all of them. I still sometimes wonder why he said or did something. But that's how relationships are and it would not be different even if we were NT/NT. As I wrote couple months ago, there is so much info about aspie/NT-relationships in these forums and other places, that the idea that I now have a boyfriend who comes with a manual is pretty great.
We have this saying in Finland "Tieto lisää tuskaa" which means knowledge brings pain, but I truly like "Knowledge is power" a lot more. I hope that some day your wife starts to think like this too.

 

[Bella Pines]

I'm also married to someone with a penchant for drama. Mostly it balances my eternal neutrality nicely.

If she can't handle it, then shut up about it. It doesn't sound like you are achieving anything. You are by no means alone, there are many of us. I recently saw a funny post here (does anyone have the link?), where all the funny bits of being aspie were listed. One of them was "funny how on TV, the aspie character is everyone's favorite, but in real life, not so much".

So engage the logical, aspie part of your brain and think about what you are actually trying to achieve. If you want to vent, vent here. If you want her to acknowledge your diagnosis, then build up slowly. If you want her to be less dramatic, then good luck with that.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Could it be that NTs who seem unable to accept, understand and adjust to an ASD diagnosis are actually self rejecting? Doubting their capacity to be supportive, understanding and accepting of differences? Doubting their ability to make adjustments in a relationship to make it work? Then projecting all these doubts on to the ASD partner?
Not sure if I've made sense here or clearly said what I mean but a partner's refusal to deal with this information seems to me to be a result of their own weakness and not a reflection of who you are.