Alright, I gotta talk about something here.
Memories of being bullied in highschool, those experiences, the feelings I thought I'd finally left behind, all of that. It's been so long, but abruptly, it all caught up to me again.
It came out of nowhere, and took a form I could never have guessed at. I'd heard that a reunion was being planned, for next year... that'd be the 25th, I graduated in 2000. Obviously I've no intention on going to it. But that got me thinking, and, well... curiosity and the cat. I wondered, what would happen if I tried searching for that? The class of 2000, for my highschool? What might I find? Would I find anything? Once I got that into my head, eventually I had to do it.
And what I found was, well... I found a Facebook page, being run by a couple of people from that class. It was mostly normal, but I scrolled down a bit, and suddenly it got bad all at once. A link. An obituary. This wasnt just any random student though, not some name I'd not recognize. Let's call him Bob, for now, as I dont use real names on the Net. I knew Bob, back then. I knew him well. But he wasnt a friend, no. He was the opposite of that. Bob was the original source of so much of what I went through. The sort of bullying that I doubt I have to explain in detail here. Many of you already have experiences with that, after all. Well, for me, it was Bob. And here he was again, on the screen. The name I knew, the face I hadnt seen in decades. Older, of course, but 100% recognizable.
According to the page, he passed away unexpectedly, a little over 2 years ago. I... did not take this well. I had a total breakdown. It was a bad one. I hadnt gotten that mentally and emotionally messed up in years. Geez, what a miserable night that was. Well, still is, really. The more I write about it here, the more messed up I'm getting.
Alright, I've calmed down a bit here. I cant understand this. Logically, I really shouldnt feel anything. Yes, it's tragic, but... this is someone I've no connection to, and what connection had been there originally wasnt a good one. Though at the same time, I understand that he likely became a very different person after highschool. As I did. Even in that photo, that constant bitterness that had always been in his eyes every time I saw him back then was just gone. He'd started a family, too, said the obituary. Has a kid. Normal guy, not the same as I'd known back then, at least based on everything I was reading.
Hearing about the passing of a classmate would be sad and all, but really, I had connections to only a couple of them. Some names I recognize of course, faces I saw each day, but I have zero feelings about them one way or another. And it's been 24 years in any case!
So why does this hurt so much? This question has been driving me mad for days now. It makes no sense. I just... I dont get it.
That wasnt the only thing I found on that Facebook page, either. There was talk of the reunion planning on there, sort of trying to get the word out or something, but while most people responding to it were quite enthusiastic about it, there was someone else who really wasnt. This person, I definitely recognized, a name that had never left my memory, though again, it's been 24 years. Back then, I'd thought she was one of the popular kids. As best as I could tell, anyway. But no. Her post there wasnt anything happy, it was pure vitriolic anger. She had been bullied too. By whom, I have no idea, but apparently it happened a lot. And I recognized the tone of that, too. How she sounded there, was exactly how I used to sound all the bloody time, 15 years ago (as at that time, I'd not gotten over my own experiences either, and was just so incredibly negative, constantly).
I was stunned, really. I never would have expected that. Her, of all people, having gone through so much of the same stuff I did, and still carrying the pain and anger from it 24 years later. I dont know how to feel about THAT, either, but it too has been on my mind a lot since then.
And then of course with all of that comes a million buried memories flooding back, so... ugh.
So, yeah, that's that. Had to write about it, trying to just keep it purely to myself hasnt been doing me any favors. I really dont know what to think here.
Memories of being bullied in highschool, those experiences, the feelings I thought I'd finally left behind, all of that. It's been so long, but abruptly, it all caught up to me again.
It came out of nowhere, and took a form I could never have guessed at. I'd heard that a reunion was being planned, for next year... that'd be the 25th, I graduated in 2000. Obviously I've no intention on going to it. But that got me thinking, and, well... curiosity and the cat. I wondered, what would happen if I tried searching for that? The class of 2000, for my highschool? What might I find? Would I find anything? Once I got that into my head, eventually I had to do it.
And what I found was, well... I found a Facebook page, being run by a couple of people from that class. It was mostly normal, but I scrolled down a bit, and suddenly it got bad all at once. A link. An obituary. This wasnt just any random student though, not some name I'd not recognize. Let's call him Bob, for now, as I dont use real names on the Net. I knew Bob, back then. I knew him well. But he wasnt a friend, no. He was the opposite of that. Bob was the original source of so much of what I went through. The sort of bullying that I doubt I have to explain in detail here. Many of you already have experiences with that, after all. Well, for me, it was Bob. And here he was again, on the screen. The name I knew, the face I hadnt seen in decades. Older, of course, but 100% recognizable.
According to the page, he passed away unexpectedly, a little over 2 years ago. I... did not take this well. I had a total breakdown. It was a bad one. I hadnt gotten that mentally and emotionally messed up in years. Geez, what a miserable night that was. Well, still is, really. The more I write about it here, the more messed up I'm getting.
Alright, I've calmed down a bit here. I cant understand this. Logically, I really shouldnt feel anything. Yes, it's tragic, but... this is someone I've no connection to, and what connection had been there originally wasnt a good one. Though at the same time, I understand that he likely became a very different person after highschool. As I did. Even in that photo, that constant bitterness that had always been in his eyes every time I saw him back then was just gone. He'd started a family, too, said the obituary. Has a kid. Normal guy, not the same as I'd known back then, at least based on everything I was reading.
Hearing about the passing of a classmate would be sad and all, but really, I had connections to only a couple of them. Some names I recognize of course, faces I saw each day, but I have zero feelings about them one way or another. And it's been 24 years in any case!
So why does this hurt so much? This question has been driving me mad for days now. It makes no sense. I just... I dont get it.
That wasnt the only thing I found on that Facebook page, either. There was talk of the reunion planning on there, sort of trying to get the word out or something, but while most people responding to it were quite enthusiastic about it, there was someone else who really wasnt. This person, I definitely recognized, a name that had never left my memory, though again, it's been 24 years. Back then, I'd thought she was one of the popular kids. As best as I could tell, anyway. But no. Her post there wasnt anything happy, it was pure vitriolic anger. She had been bullied too. By whom, I have no idea, but apparently it happened a lot. And I recognized the tone of that, too. How she sounded there, was exactly how I used to sound all the bloody time, 15 years ago (as at that time, I'd not gotten over my own experiences either, and was just so incredibly negative, constantly).
I was stunned, really. I never would have expected that. Her, of all people, having gone through so much of the same stuff I did, and still carrying the pain and anger from it 24 years later. I dont know how to feel about THAT, either, but it too has been on my mind a lot since then.
And then of course with all of that comes a million buried memories flooding back, so... ugh.
So, yeah, that's that. Had to write about it, trying to just keep it purely to myself hasnt been doing me any favors. I really dont know what to think here.
