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I don't really know how to start, but hello!

Spring_K

Spring_K

New Member
Hi everyone.

It's only been about a month since I started suspecting I may be on the autistic spectrum. I was previously professionally diagnosed with BPD and depression, but I wasn't explained what BPD was and I never even questioned it much. Now that I learned more about it I don't think that diagnosis sticks a lot to me anymore.

I didn't know anything about autism either (I just knew about the savant or non-verbal cases) so it was really surprising to me when I learned that females can experience different symptoms from males and generally learn masking better.

I feel very conflicted and confused. I'm 26 and I lived all my life being told that I was "normal but too shy and withdrawn" while I always felt different and for how hard I tried I could never fit in. I thought I was a decently polite person, but when I met my boyfriend's parents eight years ago, they thought I was rude because I didn't participate to conversations or didn't make eye contact. My boyfriend was the first person to tell me that I did lots of things that people could mistake for "rude", which can all be summarized in me isolating from the group we're hanging out with.

I never thought much of it, because my parents were never much available as I grew up. If I learned how to speak properly to people, how to keep a conversation going (which is simply me commenting to people's endless monologues without me ever contributing) and what things are okay to do in certain situations it's all thanks to my boyfriend's help (who is also highly probably on the spectrum but extremely good at pretending to be a neurotypical outgoing dude) otherwise I wouldn't have cared to learn them myself. Or even suspect of the existence of some unspoken rules.

The point is that, being up to social expectations is extremely tiring. We play a rpg game campaign with friends and I need to write down what my character wants to say in social sparrings or my brain will black out if I try to do it without preparation and make me speak like a 3yo.
A whole afternoon spent like that this Sunday cost me 5 days to recharge.

Do you guys also have a hard time recharging after social events? I would really like to learn how everyone feels about this. I really need to be around people who may relate to me.

Sorry if anything I said was out of place. Thank you if you read until here.
 
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Difficulty with social situations is probably the closest thing to an universal symptom with autism, though there even are exceptions to that. Our reactions to situations are also often misinterpretted. I would also say spur of the moment thinking (socially) is a particular weakness for me. That seems to require a relaxed state and strong self confidence, a condition I am only in rarely and for brief periods. Converrsely I am ok at fast thinking on non-social situations, such as work, interlectual persuitsor even emergencies. Recharging is a very common theme for many of us after social interactions and one of the reasons perhaps we need more solitary/quiet time then others. Its also seems common for us to rehash and gnaw unsatifactory social incidents over and over, overthinking it basically. There is value to examining what happened with an eye to improving future interactions, but that can be done in a minute usually and the other 3 hours is all wasted effort and energy. As far as what to do about it, I have no quick suggestions, except that perhaps in a relatively safe group like the game you mentioned not to worry so much about mistakes but instead consider it a good field to practice in.
 
Alright- you made here. Very supportive posters here. Just chill and feel free to vent, ask questions.
 
Welcome to the forums Spring_K! I think you'll likely find the answers you're looking for here..
Yes, to requiring time to recharge after social events.. I'm sure you'll find that a common theme around here too.

Also, I love salmon nigiri. :D
 
Thanks a lot. I'm very grateful. I felt like I needed to learn more about myself so I ended up here.

Also I'm sorry but I'm not a native english speaker, so grammar mistakes may (and will) happen.
Tom said:
Its also seems common for us to rehash and gnaw unsatifactory social incidents over and over, overthinking it basically. There is value to examining what happened with an eye to improving future interactions, but that can be done in a minute usually and the other 3 hours is all wasted effort and energy.
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This! I always did this. I still think about social failures happened years ago and despair so hard over them.

And when I was a kid, I played whole stories and movies in my head about my favorite movies or cartoons. My parents were concerned because of it, but my imagination has always been incredibly vivid.
It was my favorite game. I wonder if other people used to entertain themselves like this, or if they still do.
I also used this method for rehearsing.

That rpg game is proving very useful like you say. I wish to become more of a smooth talker, but I've never been good at "quick thinking" in social situations and that brings me to stammer when I said something wrong but it's too late to correct in my head.

I know that many girls go "under the radar", but thinking back I remember my parents were convinced I was addicted, as in really addicted, with the Pokémon videogames. They periodically took my gameboy and cards away because I focused on it so much that I didn't do homework. When I was obsessed with Disney princesses before and refused to tie my hair and would only wear skirts otherwise I'd throw endless tantrums no one seemed to question it though. I only started appearing different when I grew into something "for boys".

Once when I was three I forced my mom to make me wear a woolen sweater in August's heat and when a police officer stopped her to question her why I was wearing it, she said that I cried so hard to wear it that she couldn't say no in the end. I think about all these things and I'm left with what seem tons of hints to autism. I asked a friend who works as a special education teacher with autistic kids in a US high school, and he told me that I am right to be suspicious and I should seek a diagnosis. I'm working on it.

Did you also have such "quirks" as kids? Or some that are still continuing into adulthood?
 
Varzar said:
Also, I love salmon nigiri. :D
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Oh I love them too! Also dragon rolls are amazing. This was a digital painting I did around this summer I think (it was an exercise, I copied it from a photo to study texture and gradient). Drawing has always been my long time passion.

Thanks a lot everyone, really.
 
My daughter didn't like wearing mittens in a light snowfall, pulled them off and threw them down on the ground in such a determined manner, (l smiled). But l simply told her, you must wear or you have to go inside. She loved her Pokemon cards and games. And l never restricted it, so it wasn't a *fight mom about this* issue. Think as parents, we don't realise that things become more of an issue if it becomes a forbidden thing and we turn it into a ongoing argument. Now l realised, nothing was that way between us. So she is very adult in her daily choices. My way of raising her paid off, though l don't believe she realises how much input she had in her upbringing. But she did tell me how screwed up other families were when she went to hs.
 
@Aspychata

That's very commendable of you. I wish I had a mom like that! Unfortunately the relationship with mine was full of high and lows. As I said, I was diagnosed with BPD but honestly now that I know about it, I think my mom had it. It's comforting to know that kids with good parents will grow up into good human beings.
With my mom, there were loving periods and others where she straight off despised me.
It's funny, I always disliked gloves too. Even if it gets really cold, I don't like wearing them because it feels like I can't have a good hold of things. And my hand feels large and awkward.
My obsession with skirts continued to elementary schools, I refused to wear gym clothes even during P.E! But it only lasted for some months of the first year. I was made aware that other kids were judging me and wouldn't want to include me if I acted too different. So because I wanted to fit in I started wearing other things.

Also it's true, the more you forbid something, the more the kid is going to search for ways to obtain that thing without you knowing (this is also how some food addictions develop, it definitely went that way with me). So it's just best to be as fair as you can. There are times for play, and there are times for studying. Neither of the two can be taken away from you, but you need to have both. If I had a kid, I'd try to teach this.
 
A lot of us do have interests, often of very long duration, which we persue with great intensity. Its also common to have more then one. I still can pick up on something new, but those tend to be brief and my mainstay is a certain group which I tend to rotate thru. It's not universal, but the spectrum does seem to include many with vivid imaginations and creativity/artistic leanings. Quirks I think are so commonplace as to be basically normal on the spectrum. When I meet new people I myself find seeing quirks in them as an usually reassurriing quality. As a sign that we may have a basis for relating. I'd am very perplexed on how to interface with a person appearing utterly normal and devoid of any quirks.
 
Au Naturel said:
This might be of some help...

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/autism-it-s-different-in-girls/

I am a guy but I share a lot of your feelings and experiences.
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It really is helpful, thank you. In the article it says "On a measure of friendship quality and empathy, autistic girls scored as high as typically developing boys the same age—but lower than typically developing girls."

Maybe it wasn't a case that I got along better with boys than girls. I only had one girl friend, but had up to three male friends. Even today, I still only have male friends and one single female friend. Both of us feel like we relate very poorly to other girls. I always was a bit like a chameleon, picking up ways of behaving accepted in others, but I only felt at ease behaving like my male friends.

"They, too, found that girls with the diagnosis were more likely to have low IQs and extreme behavior problems."

Can't say I relate to this because I learned to speak before I turned 1, was the first kid to learn how to read properly and fast at school etc. Adults were often impressed because they thought I was smart and more mature than my peers but I was very selective in what I wanted to learn, so while I was very good at what I liked, I ignored what I disliked (like maths) and that impacted my whole school career. But I never really had any learning impairment, in high school suddenly I decided I wanted to get decent grades at maths and after some studying high grades started to arrive.

I honestly thought I was stupid for so many years but only lately I realised I'm best at learning when searching for patterns between informations. When I'm able to connect the dots then I learn quickly.

Does it also happen to you, being very good at something but being unable to open your brain to disliked subjects?

---

Thank you all!
 
Spring_K said:
Oh I love them too! Also dragon rolls are amazing. This was a digital painting I did around this summer I think (it was an exercise, I copied it from a photo to study texture and gradient). Drawing has always been my long time passion.

Thanks a lot everyone, really.
Click to expand...

Wow! That's some amazing talent there! The limit of my art abilities is a crude stick man.. I'm always impressed by people that have artistic skills! I've always wished I was able to as well, but I've never been able to learn it..
 
Hi and welcome, I hope that you enjoy it here. I think the bit in the article about girls with the diagnosis being more extreme in their behaviour etc, is saying that only girls at the extreme end of the spectrum tend to get diagnosed because the rest don't fit with the criteria which have been developed, these being based on boy-behaviour and norms.

Female socialisation appears to enhance the ability to mask, we are socialised to internalise our problems and become silently anxious, and to put others needs first, also to have a lower power position where we seek guidance more, and try to silently work out what to do. Boys act out more. (These are all generalisations of course.) Even the specifics of the criteria reflected boys interests, as it was seen as a syndrome affecting boys.

There are many resources here to find out more, and people are friendly and helpful.

:bee::seedling::beetle::herb::hatchingchick::leafwind::hatchedchick:
 
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