jtab7800
Member
Things keep getting worse and worse for me. I can't get through to my mother, and get her to understand anything. in 2024, she's been worse than ever before. If you read this, and you don't know what I mean by some of the things that I say, you can look at other threads I've posted, by clicking on my user name and looking for the threads I've posted.
I feel like I'm absolutely nothing to everyone in this world. I've waited decades, literally decades, to be able to do things that most people get to do so routinely and commonly. I was denied having any teenage years to speak of -- girls always hated me, and ignored me, except for just one, and she treated me like garbage.
I never got to do anything that teenagers get to do so routinely -- I never got any opportunities to date like everyone else got to, or go to any dances such as a prom, or anything else that's so common to teenagers. I was the one who was always invisible to everyone, except to those who wanted someone to bully.
I was denied a teenage life, and now, for such a long, long time, I've been denied an adult life. No woman seems to want to give me a chance. I have a hard time making friends, even though I'm nice to people, which is what's in my nature. To this day, I'm still a virgin, and that makes me feel like I'm as ugly as the back end of a baboon.
One of my absolute biggest fears is being alone. I recently read that a new study has uncovered an alarming consequence of chronic loneliness -- you can be up to 56% more likely to have a stroke. Loneliness is also linked to other issues, such as heart disease and dementia. I texted my mother a link to that story, and not even that seemed to move her enough to understand more.
I've been denied so many things in life that happen so commonly for most other people. And tonight, my mother told me that I haven't been denied anything at all, and that if I have, then I'm the one who denied myself those things. How callous can a mother get? It's like she thinks that how people have treated me couldn't have affected me.
She's always pointing the finger back at me, and always saying things that completely invalidate what I'm feeling, even if there are times when she might not realize the effect of what she's saying.
She's said some truly toxic, truly nasty things before during arguments. She has even said twice before that I wished that she was the one who passed away instead of my father. Try to imagine how much pain that caused when she said it. Both times, it drove me to tears. She apologized both times, but she's never really been able to regulate her emotions very well.
I hope that revealing this bit of information doesn't get me kicked off of here, but I live in a part of Bay County, Florida that's too far away from any support for those on the autism spectrum.
The nearest support of any type is around an hour away, and my mother is not willing to drive that far. That's one of the ways in which she limits me. She knows how to drive, and I don't. I'd love to learn how to drive. I know someone on the spectrum who drives, and he's doing okay with it.
Mom seems to even be trying to steer me away from my dreams. She repeatedly tells me that sometimes, you have to change your dreams, even if it means not doing what your deepest passion is. I know that her parents stopped her dream of being a fashion designer from happening by telling her that she was a mistake, and that they didn't want her going to college.
Most of the time, no matter what I say, Mom accuses me of digging at her, and pushing her. She acts like her nerves are shot 24 hours a day, and she makes me feel like I can't say anything to her without her escalating. Mom is losing patience because she thinks my depression should've been close to gone by now. She's never exactly been the patient type.
She quickly escalates if I'm even 30 seconds late getting to an appointment of any kind, no matter what the circumstances are. Mom likes to be as punctual as the military. In fact, there are times when she yells at me like I'm in the military.
She's hardly ever been the understanding type. She has a habit of jumping to the most convenient, even wrong, conclusion about everything. She was never above getting physical with me when I was a kid, at least until I was around 8-years-old. Occasionally, she would use a switch or a belt, but mostly leave a red hand print on my leg.
Years later, I learned why she was that way back then. The abuse that her parents and her older brother inflicted on her turned her into a hardened-up hard case (I don't think, on here, I can use the more common term for it that starts with the word hard, and ends with a word that starts with the letter A, though I've spoken that word plenty of times before.)
She's always found it hard to listen to me. I wonder if she always wants to be right? When I stand up for myself, she sometimes calls me a bully, which I hate, because I was bullied in school. She's accused me before of being things that I'm not.
The saying "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is not true. Words hurt just as much as the sticks and stones do, maybe even more sometimes.
Metaphorically speaking, I've had so many daggers shoved into my heart in my lifetime that I could make a trauma surgeon as rich as Jeff Bezos is. There's been so much pain and misery in my life. There's been so much suffering. My body is acting like it can't take it anymore -- things such as weird, almost dizzy, spells in my head, and my stomach not feeling right. The depression has started taking a toll on my health, and I can't get Mom or hardly any doctor to listen to me, so why advocate for myself?
In my life, I've seen doctors before who'd suspect your sinuses of bothering you if your left big toe was a lovely shade of lavender. Sometimes, I think a second opinion might be needed for some things.
Also, I wonder if Mom might be trying to protect herself from hearing anything bad about my health, especially since I spent from 2021 to 2023 scared out of my mind that I might have prostate cancer, until a scan showed no cancer. Mom was tone deaf about my fear of it. At one point, I even told her that if she had a prostate, then she might understand.
Also, my gall bladder has polyps in it -- I found that out during an ultrasound about five years ago. I feel like trying to get myself another ultrasound on it would be as difficult as trying to convince a sailor to stay away from women -- I'd have to go through Mom to get the ultrasound done. At my age, I shouldn't have to get mommy's permission to have a life, or permission for anything else.
I can't get women to notice me, no matter how friendly I am. You know the song by Foreigner, "I want to know what love is"? "I want to know what love is, I want you to show me." I truly, honestly want to know what love is, but no woman on this earth wants to give me that chance, and show me. People say it's a wonderful feeling, but there's no way I'd know. I probably never will.
Mom tells me that people won't want to be near me if I look depressed. She makes it sound like people are callously punishing me for my depression by staying way from me, instead of understanding, and maybe, just maybe, taking a chance on helping me find happiness.
I can't get out of this depression feeling like I'll forever be alone. My self-esteem is shot in a lot of ways, and I'm not confident with many things. This is the lowest I've ever felt in my life.
My mother is so excruciatingly stubborn that I sometimes feel like the only way to get through to her is to do something to myself. A lot of times, I wonder if that's the only way to get anyone to understand me. I feel like I live in a world that's so toxic, intolerant, and uncaring.
I feel like I'm alone in the world. I feel like no one cares. I feel like I'll never find out what love feels like, because women seem too heartless to give a guy like me a chance. I would treat a woman with respect. I would see us as two equals, as a team. In my opinion, women should be treated with respect, and never be hurt. I love women. They just don't love me.
My mother keeps using the fact that I'm on the autism spectrum as an excuse for everything that's happened to me, and for why good things haven't been happening for me. There's no excuse for treating an autistic person, or anyone for that matter, like garbage.
She has basically told me that she wants me to accomplish what I want to do with my life, with as little help as humanly possible. I've never asked anyone to do anything for me, but that seems to be what Mom thinks help is. A little helping hand does not mean that someone is doing something for me.
Mom has shielded me from pretty much everything I could've done in life. She claims that she's "protecting" me. Does she think that protecting me means hindering me? She has not been good for my mental health -- it's like she's been trying hard to take away my sanity, as if all the suffering in my life hasn't already taken a toll on me.
Maybe it's time for me to give up on everything. Maybe if I did something to myself, or just disappeared and never showed my face again, everyone on this planet would be happy. I feel like I have no place in this world, and no place in any woman's heart -- I feel like they all think I'm too ugly for them.
I'm out of town in Kentucky right now, so when I get back to Bay County, in Florida on Saturday night, it's likely that something drastic will happen, likely in the form of me finding some way to disappear from everyone's lives.
I wonder if even anything drastic like that would be enough to get people to straighten up and be more understanding, instead of letting impatience, and sometimes outright anger, mostly on Mom's part, rule the day? I don't know if this will be my last thread here. That remains to be seen.
I feel like I'm absolutely nothing to everyone in this world. I've waited decades, literally decades, to be able to do things that most people get to do so routinely and commonly. I was denied having any teenage years to speak of -- girls always hated me, and ignored me, except for just one, and she treated me like garbage.
I never got to do anything that teenagers get to do so routinely -- I never got any opportunities to date like everyone else got to, or go to any dances such as a prom, or anything else that's so common to teenagers. I was the one who was always invisible to everyone, except to those who wanted someone to bully.
I was denied a teenage life, and now, for such a long, long time, I've been denied an adult life. No woman seems to want to give me a chance. I have a hard time making friends, even though I'm nice to people, which is what's in my nature. To this day, I'm still a virgin, and that makes me feel like I'm as ugly as the back end of a baboon.
One of my absolute biggest fears is being alone. I recently read that a new study has uncovered an alarming consequence of chronic loneliness -- you can be up to 56% more likely to have a stroke. Loneliness is also linked to other issues, such as heart disease and dementia. I texted my mother a link to that story, and not even that seemed to move her enough to understand more.
I've been denied so many things in life that happen so commonly for most other people. And tonight, my mother told me that I haven't been denied anything at all, and that if I have, then I'm the one who denied myself those things. How callous can a mother get? It's like she thinks that how people have treated me couldn't have affected me.
She's always pointing the finger back at me, and always saying things that completely invalidate what I'm feeling, even if there are times when she might not realize the effect of what she's saying.
She's said some truly toxic, truly nasty things before during arguments. She has even said twice before that I wished that she was the one who passed away instead of my father. Try to imagine how much pain that caused when she said it. Both times, it drove me to tears. She apologized both times, but she's never really been able to regulate her emotions very well.
I hope that revealing this bit of information doesn't get me kicked off of here, but I live in a part of Bay County, Florida that's too far away from any support for those on the autism spectrum.
The nearest support of any type is around an hour away, and my mother is not willing to drive that far. That's one of the ways in which she limits me. She knows how to drive, and I don't. I'd love to learn how to drive. I know someone on the spectrum who drives, and he's doing okay with it.
Mom seems to even be trying to steer me away from my dreams. She repeatedly tells me that sometimes, you have to change your dreams, even if it means not doing what your deepest passion is. I know that her parents stopped her dream of being a fashion designer from happening by telling her that she was a mistake, and that they didn't want her going to college.
Most of the time, no matter what I say, Mom accuses me of digging at her, and pushing her. She acts like her nerves are shot 24 hours a day, and she makes me feel like I can't say anything to her without her escalating. Mom is losing patience because she thinks my depression should've been close to gone by now. She's never exactly been the patient type.
She quickly escalates if I'm even 30 seconds late getting to an appointment of any kind, no matter what the circumstances are. Mom likes to be as punctual as the military. In fact, there are times when she yells at me like I'm in the military.
She's hardly ever been the understanding type. She has a habit of jumping to the most convenient, even wrong, conclusion about everything. She was never above getting physical with me when I was a kid, at least until I was around 8-years-old. Occasionally, she would use a switch or a belt, but mostly leave a red hand print on my leg.
Years later, I learned why she was that way back then. The abuse that her parents and her older brother inflicted on her turned her into a hardened-up hard case (I don't think, on here, I can use the more common term for it that starts with the word hard, and ends with a word that starts with the letter A, though I've spoken that word plenty of times before.)
She's always found it hard to listen to me. I wonder if she always wants to be right? When I stand up for myself, she sometimes calls me a bully, which I hate, because I was bullied in school. She's accused me before of being things that I'm not.
The saying "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me" is not true. Words hurt just as much as the sticks and stones do, maybe even more sometimes.
Metaphorically speaking, I've had so many daggers shoved into my heart in my lifetime that I could make a trauma surgeon as rich as Jeff Bezos is. There's been so much pain and misery in my life. There's been so much suffering. My body is acting like it can't take it anymore -- things such as weird, almost dizzy, spells in my head, and my stomach not feeling right. The depression has started taking a toll on my health, and I can't get Mom or hardly any doctor to listen to me, so why advocate for myself?
In my life, I've seen doctors before who'd suspect your sinuses of bothering you if your left big toe was a lovely shade of lavender. Sometimes, I think a second opinion might be needed for some things.
Also, I wonder if Mom might be trying to protect herself from hearing anything bad about my health, especially since I spent from 2021 to 2023 scared out of my mind that I might have prostate cancer, until a scan showed no cancer. Mom was tone deaf about my fear of it. At one point, I even told her that if she had a prostate, then she might understand.
Also, my gall bladder has polyps in it -- I found that out during an ultrasound about five years ago. I feel like trying to get myself another ultrasound on it would be as difficult as trying to convince a sailor to stay away from women -- I'd have to go through Mom to get the ultrasound done. At my age, I shouldn't have to get mommy's permission to have a life, or permission for anything else.
I can't get women to notice me, no matter how friendly I am. You know the song by Foreigner, "I want to know what love is"? "I want to know what love is, I want you to show me." I truly, honestly want to know what love is, but no woman on this earth wants to give me that chance, and show me. People say it's a wonderful feeling, but there's no way I'd know. I probably never will.
Mom tells me that people won't want to be near me if I look depressed. She makes it sound like people are callously punishing me for my depression by staying way from me, instead of understanding, and maybe, just maybe, taking a chance on helping me find happiness.
I can't get out of this depression feeling like I'll forever be alone. My self-esteem is shot in a lot of ways, and I'm not confident with many things. This is the lowest I've ever felt in my life.
My mother is so excruciatingly stubborn that I sometimes feel like the only way to get through to her is to do something to myself. A lot of times, I wonder if that's the only way to get anyone to understand me. I feel like I live in a world that's so toxic, intolerant, and uncaring.
I feel like I'm alone in the world. I feel like no one cares. I feel like I'll never find out what love feels like, because women seem too heartless to give a guy like me a chance. I would treat a woman with respect. I would see us as two equals, as a team. In my opinion, women should be treated with respect, and never be hurt. I love women. They just don't love me.
My mother keeps using the fact that I'm on the autism spectrum as an excuse for everything that's happened to me, and for why good things haven't been happening for me. There's no excuse for treating an autistic person, or anyone for that matter, like garbage.
She has basically told me that she wants me to accomplish what I want to do with my life, with as little help as humanly possible. I've never asked anyone to do anything for me, but that seems to be what Mom thinks help is. A little helping hand does not mean that someone is doing something for me.
Mom has shielded me from pretty much everything I could've done in life. She claims that she's "protecting" me. Does she think that protecting me means hindering me? She has not been good for my mental health -- it's like she's been trying hard to take away my sanity, as if all the suffering in my life hasn't already taken a toll on me.
Maybe it's time for me to give up on everything. Maybe if I did something to myself, or just disappeared and never showed my face again, everyone on this planet would be happy. I feel like I have no place in this world, and no place in any woman's heart -- I feel like they all think I'm too ugly for them.
I'm out of town in Kentucky right now, so when I get back to Bay County, in Florida on Saturday night, it's likely that something drastic will happen, likely in the form of me finding some way to disappear from everyone's lives.
I wonder if even anything drastic like that would be enough to get people to straighten up and be more understanding, instead of letting impatience, and sometimes outright anger, mostly on Mom's part, rule the day? I don't know if this will be my last thread here. That remains to be seen.
