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I feel really thrown for a loop

B

BewilderedPerson

Well-Known Member
I had my second date tonight, and for those of you haven't read the other thread, here are cliff notes.

- First date at a Mexican restaurant, I offer afterwards to see a movie, go bowling or go by me to listen to The Beatles and watch Jeopardy. She chooses the third option.
- We're on my couch snuggling, hand holding, hugging and kissed about 3 or 4 times, including one she initiated when I dropped her off. We took a selfie and she put her hand on my face.
- We've been in contact for much of that time since then, including when she wasn't feeling well and I checked in on her and we rescheduled us making dinner tonight.

So, she comes over, hugs me, I kiss her on the head. She drops a bombshell on me she wants to be friends first, says we could possibly be just friends or something more, but I make us dinner and I surprise her with a Shamrock Shake, which she turned out to like.

She said she wasn't feeling well, feeling tired, stayed two hours with me, and we talked for a bit and watched some episodes of Jeopardy from recent days. While watching it, she initiates a little contact, as we snuggle up for a bit, holds hands a little and I put my hand on her leg (just trying to get comfortable) and she told me the shoulder is fine but she rather not the leg and accepted my apology.

She apologized to me for not being a lot of fun tonight. I asked if we could talk, she said, "We'll see." I told her to feel better and she told me get some rest.

And I deleted all my dating apps and I made that picture of us the wallpaper on my phone.

Sorry, how could I feel anything but mislead? She's on the spectrum, too, and I feel really thrown off and I wanted to vent tonight how I could be friends first, but not just friends, how my ultimate goal is a relationship and how I felt completely misled and thrown off.

My screen name, BewilderedPerson, that's me to a T right now.

I'm not angry, just massively confused and slightly hurt. I want to be a husband. I'm not just looking for sex. I want to be some woman's husband.

Not just that, but I really want to talk to people now.

Thank you.
 
WhitewaterWoman said:
Just me personally, and I may be old and out of it, but snuggling and kissing on a first date seems way too fast for me.
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And you’re not the only person who feels that way, just know others are different.

And when you come onto me on the first date, know that’s what I’m going to hope for going forward.
 
BewilderedPerson said:
And you’re not the only person who feels that way, just know others are different.

And when you come onto me on the first date, know that’s what I’m going to hope for going forward.
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Is the "you" in the last sentence personal or generic? It isn't clear to me if you are referring to a date with me, or if you are saying the young lady in question was coming on to you.

My advice, and again this is my just my personal opinion, I would expect a man on the first date to behave respectfully and decline any "coming on" by his date explaining he respects her too much to pursue a physical relationship until they have had more time to get to know each other.
 
WhitewaterWoman said:
Is the "you" in the last sentence personal or generic? It isn't clear to me if you are referring to a date with me, or if you are saying the young lady in question was coming on to you.

My advice, and again this is my just my personal opinion, I would expect a man on the first date to behave respectfully and decline any "coming on" by his date explaining he respects her too much to do that.
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The you is a you in general.

I’m the affectionate type. I like romance and I want affection.

And everybody is different. Some are fine with it on the first date and others aren’t.
 
thejuice said:
I hope the date makes up her mind on what she wants soon, it's not fair on you
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I can’t be just friends with a woman. It’d be too painful.

I can be friends first, work towards a relationship, okay.

What isn’t fair is feeling misled, and always putting myself out there and always having to start over.

I want a wife. I want to find my person and move on with my life.
 
I know how bad it feels when you think shes into you, your friends think she's into you and it bombs after you get your hopes up.

I hear it's hard to get out of the 'friend zone' but it does happen sometimes

I think it was better when sex was taken seriously before contraception and everyone got married and had families
 
thejuice said:
I know how bad it feels when you think shes into you, your friends think she's into you and it bombs after you get your hopes up.

I hear it's hard to get out of the 'friend zone' but it does happen sometimes

I think it was better when sex was taken seriously before contraception and everyone got married and had families
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Look, I was all excited, and if she said she wanted to be friends first when we first met, I’d have tempered my expectations.

I didn’t put a gun to her to get her to do things she did to me on the first date.

Now I’m trying to have a positive outlook and not hate myself again.
 
I'm on your side, what she did was selfish in my opinion. She's messing you about and pulling on your heart strings.
 
You are not in control. You will never be in control. If you want to be the good sort you will respect her wishes and with good grace and be patient. It might work out or maybe not. Don't bring any negativity into it.
 
Tom said:
You are not in control. You will never be in control. If you want to be the good sort you will respect her wishes and with good grace and be patient. It might work out or maybe not. Don't bring any negativity into it.
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I can be patient, that’s fine. What can’t I be someone is someone to play games with, and she wants friends first, I respect that.

Just don’t mind me if I feel hurt and confused.
 
I wouldn't give her anymore attention, unless you want to get more infatuated. Probably be better to let her contact you first? Reverse the dynamic?
 
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