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I feel really thrown for a loop

thejuice said:
I wouldn't give her anymore attention, unless you want to get more infatuated. Probably be better to let her contact you first? Reverse the dynamic?
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Funny enough, a lot of times, she *has* contacted me first. I can think of about 4-5, *at least*, including today, where I was going to contact her and she ends up contacting me.
 
thejuice said:
Hmm interesting. Don't give up hope yet!
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I just want this to be salvageable. I’m willing to reach out tomorrow, wish her luck with DND and hoping she’s feeling better.

I also might convey that I feel confused, and am fine with being friends first, but I hope to build towards a relationship.
 
Perhaps play it cool and indifferent perhaps.. keep expectations low..

Anything else is a bonus

Try looking around for others (I know it's hard when you only see the positives in a girl and not any negatives)
 
thejuice said:
Perhaps play it cool and indifferent perhaps.. keep expectations low..
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Now I can. Now I can process stuff, but I’d have preferred to have kept expectations low when we first met instead of her doing what she did - her touching me first, her grabbing my hand first, her snuggling with me and putting her hand on my chest while doing so.
 
I guess the thought is, can you handle being friends when you want more? It's a lot of emotional and time investment into someone potentially not interested in romance

That's energy that could be diverted to another girl or yourself
 
Perhaps then you need to make your intentions clear like you said. She might actually appreciate that.
 
thejuice said:
Perhaps then you need to make your intentions clear like you said. She might actually appreciate that.
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I hope so, but one of my family members said it may make it sound like I’m giving an ultimatum, which I don’t want.

My goal is a relationship. However long that takes, and the ultimate goal is putting a ring on someone’s finger.
 
Don't. Overthink. Things.

Don't play into a dynamic of you chasing and her being "well now, I just can't decide". That basically puts her in a position of "it's all up to you, it's sat there on a plate waiting, you just have to choose" which tends to make some people even more "I just can't decide" and sticks you on a plate, which is no place for a person to be.

Don't do anything to try and effect an outcome. Don't second guess what you might do to address what you think she might do, etc.

Set your own boundaries for what you find acceptable and have the courage to respect your own needs. The situation is she wanted to have a bit of warmth, then she didn't. Maybe she does again, maybe she doesn't. Maybe this will be a cycle. Who knows? Your options now are let her know you're no longer interested, or don't. That's it. Either way, don't put your happiness into someone else's hands.

Trying to second guess yourself and predict her reactions on when or when not to send messages is no way to live life. If a mate says "I'd love to go watch a match with you" then next day says "I'd rather not watch a match with you, but I might want to watch a match with you one day, just not now" I'd tell him "Righto, drop me a line when you've sorted your head out and we'll see".
 
Yes your family member is right try to not make it sound like an ultimatum.. you could write out a rough draft of what you want to say..

Concentrate on saying what you like about her and you'd love to date her and leave out what happened on first date and any hurt feelings. It could make her defensive.
 
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MNAus said:
Don't. Overthink. Things.

Don't play into a dynamic of you chasing and her being "well now, I just can't decide". That basically puts her in a position of "it's all up to you, it's sat there on a plate waiting, you just have to choose" which tends to make some people even more "I just can't decide" and sticks you on a plate, which is no place for a person to be.

Don't do anything to try and effect an outcome. Don't second guess what you might do to address what you think she might do, etc.

Set your own boundaries for what you find acceptable and have the courage to respect your own needs. The situation is she wanted to have a bit of warmth, then she didn't. Maybe she does again, maybe she doesn't. Maybe this will be a cycle. Who knows? Your options now are let her know you're no longer interested, or don't. That's it. Either way, don't put your happiness into someone else's hands.

Trying to second guess yourself and predict her reactions on when or when not to send messages is no way to live life. If a mate says "I'd love to go watch a match with you" then next day says "I'd rather not watch a match with you, but I might want to watch a match with you one day, just not now" I'd tell him "Righto, drop me a line when you've sorted your head out and we'll see".
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I’ll try not to going forward. I always wonder if I do something wrong, and people tell me I hadn’t.

I know she had the right to change her mind, but she did a bit of initiating herself, and if she gave me a bit of affection on the first date, don’t mind me if I hope for more the second time around.

I’m still interested, but I wish she gave me the chance to temper my expectations before she came onto me. She was a willing participant in what happened the first date.

She’s on the spectrum, too. So, I want to have patience, but when you’re high as a kite after the first date and you just drop this bombshell me at the beginning of our second date/meeting, now I don’t know what to think.

I do know I’m not someone to play games with, to mess with. I think I deserve better from women than that.
 
She said she wanted to be friends but is holding your hand and cuddling afterwards? That's lame. Called having your cake and eat it.
 
BewilderedPerson said:
I’ll try not to going forward. I always wonder if I do something wrong, and people tell me I hadn’t.

I know she had the right to change her mind, but she did a bit of initiating herself, and if she gave me a bit of affection on the first date, don’t mind me if I hope for more the second time around.

I’m still interested, but I wish she gave me the chance to temper my expectations before she came onto me. She was a willing participant in what happened the first date.

She’s on the spectrum, too. So, I want to have patience, but when you’re high as a kite after the first date and you just drop this bombshell me at the beginning of our second date/meeting, now I don’t know what to think.

I do know I’m not someone to play games with, to mess with. I think I deserve better from women than that.
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That to me sounds very sane, very fair and pretty much how I'd feel.

First off, from your account, you did NOTHING wrong. So don't go there in trying to work out if you somehow caused this. It all sounds very mutual on the first date. Clearly she's dealing with something, which is her prerogative. She might not be playing games, she might have had a genuine change of heart, and it's highly likely if so that it's for a reason that isn't about you personally.

Or she might just be someone who has this as part of her nature. I dated someone who was great when times were tough, but as soon as we got to a patch of clover dived down these "am I really the person I want to be, and living the life I want to live" rabbit holes. That soon saps your will to live. My experience is not to play into that dynamic because it quickly gains strength on the basis that with nothing to worry about, the other person tends to introspect even more.

Don't focus on her decision, that is for her to take. You don't have to be patient, because you're not waiting to see if you won a prize and you're not required to put anything on hold. You should focus on firstly carrying on with life. Unless you said otherwise that can mean dating too. And making your happiness independent on what another person decides. And second, focus on actually being fair with yourself on whether this is something you might have to deal with again in the future People don't tend to change much. Might be a one off, might be a pattern. Only you can decide what you're willing to accept.
 
MNAus said:
That to me sounds very sane, very fair and pretty much how I'd feel.

First off, from your account, you did NOTHING wrong. So don't go there in trying to work out if you somehow caused this. It all sounds very mutual on the first date. Clearly she's dealing with something, which is her prerogative. She might not be playing games, she might have had a genuine change of heart, and it's highly likely if so that it's for a reason that isn't about you personally.

Or she might just be someone who has this as part of her nature. I dated someone who was great when times were tough, but as soon as we got to a patch of clover dived down these "am I really the person I want to be, and living the life I want to live" rabbit holes. That soon saps your will to live. My experience is not to play into that dynamic because it quickly gains strength on the basis that with nothing to worry about, the other person tends to introspect even more.

Don't focus on her decision, that is for her to take. You don't have to be patient, because you're not waiting to see if you won a prize and you're not required to put anything on hold. You should focus on firstly carrying on with life. Unless you said otherwise that can mean dating too. And making your happiness independent on what another person decides. And second, focus on actually being fair with yourself on whether this is something you might have to deal with again in the future People don't tend to change much. Might be a one off, might be a pattern. Only you can decide what you're willing to accept.
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She is on the spectrum like I am, but I had no reason to feel like she wanted to be friends first, not after an amazing first date, or her reaching out to me, or her telling me, ‘Smooth’ in response to a text I made.

As an affectionate person who craves affection and romance and we did what we did on the first date, gave no hints at friends first at all before tonight, you think I’m not going to want or expect more kissing and affection tonight on the second meeting/date?

I can be patient with her, just like others can be patient with me, and I hope she’s patient with me and remembers I’m on the spectrum with my own challenges, too.

If she said she was tired and didn’t feel like holding hands, kissing, cuddling tonight, I’d have understood that more than if she said she wanted to be friends first after a great start to things.
 
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