I fell for an aspie and it hurts

[kk22]

Hi everyone. I hope someone can provide some helpful advice.
I'm neurotypical and 8 months ago I met a man, a very interesting man. He never mentioned being an aspie, and I doubt he even knows he has this condition, but after a few months of trying to explain his behaviour I did my own research and he seems to fit the aspie profile 100%.
Now, over the months I started to fall for him, but it took 2 months just to get a kiss on the cheek from him.
When I decided to make my feelings known, he said he wanted a serious relationship with me. He didn't want something casual, not with me. He added that due to his circumstances (trying to change job, current stressful job etc) he couldn't focus on a relationship, he was too stressed out. He said he needed to solve his career problems and then, in 3-4 months, he would be able to handle a relationship. This didn't make sense to me, surely I can handle my career AND a relationship. But he said he knew it would end badly if we got together at that time. I thought that was odd, I accepted his decision and hoped for the best.
Instead, he disappeared for the next 4 months. I sent him messages, but he never replied, not once. I worried, I replayed in my mind everything he said, everything I said, and his behaviour just didn't make any sense.
After 5 months, I returned to his city (we live in different places) and asked him to meet. He behaved like nothing happened over a 5hrs lunch! He didn't apologise, nor he mentioned his disappearance. He just talked at length about other topics. Except "us".
In the end, he said we should go out the next week, he would call on Monday. Instead, he didn't call. When I asked him out the next day, he never answered my message. It's now been over 2 weeks.
I'm feeling extremely disappointed and hurt. Over the past 8 months I showed him nothing but respect, patience and love. And in return I'm getting his silence.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't know he's an aspie (last time we went out he said that everyone treats him like an alien), but at the same time I can't continue to be treated like this.
We have some "friends" in common, who think he's arrogant, self-centred and selfish and they just deal with him in small doses, they don't care about him or what he does. They just told me to forget about him and move on with my life.
I would like some advice from an aspie perspective to understand his behaviour. Is it normal? After 8 months of trying to understand him, I don't know how to handle this. Nor I know if I should keep trying.

 

[Slime_Punk]

Whether he's got ASD or not is pretty much impossible to say without a professional diagnosis, but it's entirely possible that he doesn't even understand his behavior. It could be overwhelming anxiety, depression, or something else, especially due to his comment about being stressed out. Not being able to juggle a bunch of things at once (relationships, work, other problems) can definitely be part of the whole ASD package.

Unfortunately, posts like yours don't seem too uncommon around here. This type of thing happens quite a lot. I can't give you any answers, but I hope one day maybe he can. Sorry you're going through this. I've been on the receiving end of being 'ghosted' and it's pretty horrible.

 

[kk22]

Whether he's got ASD or not is pretty much impossible to say without a professional diagnosis, but it's entirely possible that he doesn't even understand his behavior. It could be overwhelming anxiety, depression, or something else, especially due to his comment about being stressed out. Not being able to juggle a bunch of things at once (relationships, work, other problems) can definitely be part of the whole ASD package.

Unfortunately, posts like yours don't seem too uncommon around here. This type of thing happens quite a lot. I can't give you any answers, but I hope one day maybe he can. Sorry you're going through this. I've been on the receiving end of being 'ghosted' and it's pretty horrible.

Thank you. Being ghosted is pretty horrible indeed. It makes you question your own worth, and I'm a pretty strong woman! It can really destroy people' self esteem and trust in relationships. Part of me feel like justifying his behaviour because maybe he's unaware of the implications of his silence, but at the same time it's not fair towards me.

 

[Suzanne]

I am a female on the spectrum, but what I got from your post is that when he said he wanted to sort out his life, before embarking on a relationship with you, he meant that and in his mind, it meant no communication, til he sorts his life out, but of course, you, yourself could not wrap your head around the need to solve issues before taking on a relationship, so no doubt, pushed him and he is trying but failing. Sorry, not saying you are wrong ( I am married to a neurotypical, so up to a point, do understand where you are coming from and how it looks to you).

Why don't you ask how things are panning out for him, before talking about a relationship with him?

Males and females do not share all the same traits and I do know that males aspies often come across as you describe to others, when in fact, it is due to not being able to interact properly and yep, our favourite subjects are what we like, rather than listening to others.

I think you have a choice of sticking to the idea of trying a relationship, if you can learn to handle "weird" things going on, or, for your own welbeing, end the relationship.

 

[kk22]

I am a female on the spectrum, but what I got from your post is that when he said he wanted to sort out his life, before embarking on a relationship with you, he meant that and in his mind, it meant no communication, til he sorts his life out, but of course, you, yourself could not wrap your head around the need to solve issues before taking on a relationship, so no doubt, pushed him and he is trying but failing. Sorry, not saying you are wrong ( I am married to a neurotypical, so up to a point, do understand where you are coming from and how it looks to you).

Why don't you ask how things are panning out for him, before talking about a relationship with him?

Males and females do not share all the same traits and I do know that males aspies often come across as you describe to others, when in fact, it is due to not being able to interact properly and yep, our favourite subjects are what we like, rather than listening to others.

I think you have a choice of sticking to the idea of trying a relationship, if you can learn to handle "weird" things going on, or, for your own welbeing, end the relationship.

 

[Rodafina]

@kk22,
I don’t really understand the relevance here of you having unofficially diagnosed him with Asperger’s. It feels uncomfortable to have someone thinking about me in this way – as if they know more about me than I do myself. If you are able to spend time here and read through different people’s threads, you will understand that there is a huge range among people with autism. The ability to connect and communicate varies immensely from one “aspie” to the other.

Overall, this relationship sounds very new, and he is showing you what his communication style is. I do not think there will be some secret clues or understanding that you can unlock here by studying us.

I don’t mean to be rude, I have compassion for your situation and respect that you are trying to figure it out. It’s just sound somewhat infantilizing for you to speak of him in this way.

 

[kk22]

Many thanks for your perspective. But why would an aspie end all communication instead of continue our interactions as friends in the meantime? Do aspies realise that ghosting someone for months has bad consequences

I am a female on the spectrum, but what I got from your post is that when he said he wanted to sort out his life, before embarking on a relationship with you, he meant that and in his mind, it meant no communication, til he sorts his life out, but of course, you, yourself could not wrap your head around the need to solve issues before taking on a relationship, so no doubt, pushed him and he is trying but failing. Sorry, not saying you are wrong ( I am married to a neurotypical, so up to a point, do understand where you are coming from and how it looks to you).

Why don't you ask how things are panning out for him, before talking about a relationship with him?

Males and females do not share all the same traits and I do know that males aspies often come across as you describe to others, when in fact, it is due to not being able to interact properly and yep, our favourite subjects are what we like, rather than listening to others.

I think you have a choice of sticking to the idea of trying a relationship, if you can learn to handle "weird" things going on, or, for your own welbeing, end the relationship.

@kk22,
I don’t really understand the relevance here of you having unofficially diagnosed him with Asperger’s. It feels uncomfortable to have someone thinking about me in this way – as if they know more about me than I do myself. If you are able to spend time here and read through different people’s threads, you will understand that there is a huge range among people with autism. The ability to connect and communicate varies immensely from one “aspie” to the other.

Overall, this relationship sounds very new, and he is showing you what his communication style is. I do not think there will be some secret clues or understanding that you can unlock here by studying us.

I don’t mean to be rude, I have compassion for your situation and respect that you are trying to figure it out. It’s just sound somewhat infantilizing for you to speak of him in this way.

Infantilizing of me trying to understand someone? As opposed to someone who disappears for months instead of communicating like an adult?
My post is about a man I know, not about YOU. There are many aspies who don't discover their condition until late in life, so yes: people around them may even help them realise things about themselves they haven't discovered yet. I'm taking my own time and efforts to try understand this man and his behaviour instead of labeling him as a self-centred, selfish alien like other people do because I have feelings for him. I thought asking for advice here could help, but from your reply it appears that perhaps I've been wasting enough of my time and I should have just cared less like most NT do.

 

[Rodafina]

As opposed to someone who disappears for months instead of communicating like an adult?

Do you see? You are infantilizing him. Growing old, into an adult, does not necessarily give one the communication skills you desire.

My post is about a man I know, not about YOU.

But, I am an autist, and you came here to a place that I call home and asked for opinions.

I'm taking my own time and efforts to try understand this man and his behaviour

As I clearly stated, I respect this about you.

I thought asking for advice here could help, but from your reply it appears that perhaps I've been wasting enough of my time and I should have just cared less like most NT do.

I am merely one opinion among many. Why would you let my singular opinion affect your desire to understand so much? There are many here who can offer hugely useful advice to you.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

His behavior sounds much like mine while i was in college women tried picking me up I was too focused on getting my education, could not afford to date. did not know was an Aspie for another 30 years. looking back I must have been an enigma to the women, I did not date my wife until two years after I graduated college. Even then a couple of women tried picking me up, at my then employer.

 

[Suzanne]

But why would an aspie end all communication instead of continue our interactions as friends in the meantime? Do aspies realise that ghosting someone for months has bad consequences

We do tend to take things literally and that goes for even what we say. So, if he is an aspie, then, in his mind, it makes perfect sense to cut off, because he is saying he has to sort things out in his life, before embarking on a relationship, which for us, is a tremendeous emotional journey.

Ghosting is something we do, because we cannot cope with what is going on, so try to block it out and barely even think of the bad consequences.

I admit to be very good at ghosting, because that is the only way I can function, without the interferance from others.

I have often been accused by my husband for cutting people off, but that is as, I said before, because of not being able to cope with overload senses.

Again, it is your choice if you want to keep going, but it is not going to be easy and coming here, you are talking to us, who are also on the spectrum, so naturally we will give that aspect of the situation. Although, some of us, are married to NT's, so we can broaden our understanding, but that is still limited.

 

[Aspychata]

Wow, I felt the same, but then l had to take a big dose of my own medicine and realize l do the exact same thing to men also. So your style is different then his style. He isn't ready for a relationship. Just because it doesn't suit your needs, doesn't make him wrong. He is under no social obligation to explain anything to you. I really don't wish to critique you, but you are coming off as controlling. Life happens to us, we can only handle so many things. It's the same for everybody. And finally, sometimes relationships aren't that important to us. The other thing is that people are very good at sending double messages. So you walk away scratching your head. It borders on gaslighting, keeping you slightly offguard, not knowing really the status of anything. Try to just keep moving forward and realize none of us are perfect.

 

[Billthecat]

Hi everyone. I hope someone can provide some helpful advice.
I'm neurotypical and 8 months ago I met a man, a very interesting man. He never mentioned being an aspie, and I doubt he even knows he has this condition, but after a few months of trying to explain his behaviour I did my own research and he seems to fit the aspie profile 100%.
Now, over the months I started to fall for him, but it took 2 months just to get a kiss on the cheek from him.
When I decided to make my feelings known, he said he wanted a serious relationship with me. He didn't want something casual, not with me. He added that due to his circumstances (trying to change job, current stressful job etc) he couldn't focus on a relationship, he was too stressed out. He said he needed to solve his career problems and then, in 3-4 months, he would be able to handle a relationship. This didn't make sense to me, surely I can handle my career AND a relationship. But he said he knew it would end badly if we got together at that time. I thought that was odd, I accepted his decision and hoped for the best.
Instead, he disappeared for the next 4 months. I sent him messages, but he never replied, not once. I worried, I replayed in my mind everything he said, everything I said, and his behaviour just didn't make any sense.
After 5 months, I returned to his city (we live in different places) and asked him to meet. He behaved like nothing happened over a 5hrs lunch! He didn't apologise, nor he mentioned his disappearance. He just talked at length about other topics. Except "us".
In the end, he said we should go out the next week, he would call on Monday. Instead, he didn't call. When I asked him out the next day, he never answered my message. It's now been over 2 weeks.
I'm feeling extremely disappointed and hurt. Over the past 8 months I showed him nothing but respect, patience and love. And in return I'm getting his silence.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't know he's an aspie (last time we went out he said that everyone treats him like an alien), but at the same time I can't continue to be treated like this.
We have some "friends" in common, who think he's arrogant, self-centred and selfish and they just deal with him in small doses, they don't care about him or what he does. They just told me to forget about him and move on with my life.
I would like some advice from an aspie perspective to understand his behaviour. Is it normal? After 8 months of trying to understand him, I don't know how to handle this. Nor I know if I should keep trying.

I'm not such a wise man, but I'm autistic and a man.

That's not the first time I face the same words.

I just know brain works for priorities, and sadly, looks like you aren't his first one.

If you really care about him, just give him space and time, be his friend without being invasive (for his standards).

Then, just the fate will give you an answer.

 

[Tom]

Whether he is on the spectrum or not, what you see is what you get. If this sort of behavior is not going to work then I would not persue it any more.

 

[Matthias]

Hi everyone. I hope someone can provide some helpful advice.
I'm neurotypical and 8 months ago I met a man, a very interesting man. He never mentioned being an aspie, and I doubt he even knows he has this condition, but after a few months of trying to explain his behaviour I did my own research and he seems to fit the aspie profile 100%.
Now, over the months I started to fall for him, but it took 2 months just to get a kiss on the cheek from him.
When I decided to make my feelings known, he said he wanted a serious relationship with me. He didn't want something casual, not with me. He added that due to his circumstances (trying to change job, current stressful job etc) he couldn't focus on a relationship, he was too stressed out. He said he needed to solve his career problems and then, in 3-4 months, he would be able to handle a relationship. This didn't make sense to me, surely I can handle my career AND a relationship. But he said he knew it would end badly if we got together at that time. I thought that was odd, I accepted his decision and hoped for the best.
Instead, he disappeared for the next 4 months. I sent him messages, but he never replied, not once. I worried, I replayed in my mind everything he said, everything I said, and his behaviour just didn't make any sense.
After 5 months, I returned to his city (we live in different places) and asked him to meet. He behaved like nothing happened over a 5hrs lunch! He didn't apologise, nor he mentioned his disappearance. He just talked at length about other topics. Except "us".
In the end, he said we should go out the next week, he would call on Monday. Instead, he didn't call. When I asked him out the next day, he never answered my message. It's now been over 2 weeks.
I'm feeling extremely disappointed and hurt. Over the past 8 months I showed him nothing but respect, patience and love. And in return I'm getting his silence.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't know he's an aspie (last time we went out he said that everyone treats him like an alien), but at the same time I can't continue to be treated like this.
We have some "friends" in common, who think he's arrogant, self-centred and selfish and they just deal with him in small doses, they don't care about him or what he does. They just told me to forget about him and move on with my life.
I would like some advice from an aspie perspective to understand his behaviour. Is it normal? After 8 months of trying to understand him, I don't know how to handle this. Nor I know if I should keep trying.

It's hard to tell whether he is autistic based on your description but what you described sounds like emotional immaturity caused by emotional neglect. When parents don't help their children understand and regulate their emotions (what psychologists call emotional neglect), they grow up to be adults who are confused and stressed out by their emotions which they tend to blame on other people since they experience less stress when they're alone. Difficulty understanding emotions can result in arrogance and self-absorption which makes relationships difficult. Unless he is open to acknowledging his problems and is willing to make an effort to get better, I think it's unlikely to have a good relationship with him.

Psychotherapy can help but it's expensive and can take months or years to treat lifelong problems. A quicker, more affordable option that may help is getting him a book about childhood emotional neglect and emotional intelligence.

Books I recommend are:
Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect
Emotional Intelligence
Emotional Intelligence 2.0

 

[Kalinychta]

Just because it doesn't suit your needs, doesn't make him wrong. He is under no social obligation to explain anything to you. I really don't wish to critique you, but you are coming off as controlling.

Exactly. I also don’t understand why the OP continues to chase after a man who clearly isn’t interested in her or why she gets mad every time he ignores her. Move on, @kk22.

 

[1ForAll]

Hi everyone. I hope someone can provide some helpful advice.
I'm neurotypical and 8 months ago I met a man, a very interesting man. He never mentioned being an aspie, and I doubt he even knows he has this condition, but after a few months of trying to explain his behaviour I did my own research and he seems to fit the aspie profile 100%.
Now, over the months I started to fall for him, but it took 2 months just to get a kiss on the cheek from him.
When I decided to make my feelings known, he said he wanted a serious relationship with me. He didn't want something casual, not with me. He added that due to his circumstances (trying to change job, current stressful job etc) he couldn't focus on a relationship, he was too stressed out. He said he needed to solve his career problems and then, in 3-4 months, he would be able to handle a relationship. This didn't make sense to me, surely I can handle my career AND a relationship. But he said he knew it would end badly if we got together at that time. I thought that was odd, I accepted his decision and hoped for the best.
Instead, he disappeared for the next 4 months. I sent him messages, but he never replied, not once. I worried, I replayed in my mind everything he said, everything I said, and his behaviour just didn't make any sense.
After 5 months, I returned to his city (we live in different places) and asked him to meet. He behaved like nothing happened over a 5hrs lunch! He didn't apologise, nor he mentioned his disappearance. He just talked at length about other topics. Except "us".
In the end, he said we should go out the next week, he would call on Monday. Instead, he didn't call. When I asked him out the next day, he never answered my message. It's now been over 2 weeks.
I'm feeling extremely disappointed and hurt. Over the past 8 months I showed him nothing but respect, patience and love. And in return I'm getting his silence.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't know he's an aspie (last time we went out he said that everyone treats him like an alien), but at the same time I can't continue to be treated like this.
We have some "friends" in common, who think he's arrogant, self-centred and selfish and they just deal with him in small doses, they don't care about him or what he does. They just told me to forget about him and move on with my life.
I would like some advice from an aspie perspective to understand his behaviour. Is it normal? After 8 months of trying to understand him, I don't know how to handle this. Nor I know if I should keep trying.

I will give another perspective for sake of argument.

I cannot give you necessarily an opinion from an Autistic point of view, as it could go either way if I have that or not. I could make a convincing case for having Autism or not having it as I have about 50% of the common core signs and symptoms. I just know if that happened to me, then I'd be really annoyed, as they suggested you were the one, suggested you should wait 3-4 months, but then they do not seem mature or able enough, or motivated enough, to address how they felt about you 5 months later, when they had much space and time to think about it.

Whether they were lying before to you or sincere, all they had to do was update you there either way, whether they changed their mind, needed more time and/or saying what they liked or didn't like, what they could handle or not now or hoped to occur now or later, or never, between you both. Yes, he does not have to spend one minute stating any of this if he rather not, but then I'd say he is indeed likely not ready for any relationship. The op is not worth some short closure statement, after all her efforts before?

You'd think grown persons that suggest they are ready for relationships, or soon ready for relationships, would be able to communicate an honest reply, after that time elapsed and after suggesting he'd be ready then, and not run away like a child, without some short explanation. I mean, quit entering relationships, or saying they could handle one later, if they would just ghost someone like that. Do they think any relationship would succeed long, based on that extreme sensitivity to stress, and based on that lack of empathy for the one who showed much care?

 

[Aspychata]

Relationships are very complex, some people are totally fine with part-time relationship because some of us define relationships differently. I know l have been in part-time status, and it truly doesn't bother me, however 50 complete strangers will try to tell me its wrong. There is no right or wrong in relationships, society doesn't need to dictate rules regarding how many times you need to see someone, or that people have to be in a serious relationship versus getting to really know someone.

So my point is? If you feel like seeing him, then take a break, contact him in another month and see what's going on. But if he is or isn't autistic isn't really your concern, don't approach him trying to diagnose him.

It's like me going up and saying, l think you have OCD, so let's discuss this. I have a friend who is autistic but she doesn't like me discussing it with her, so l don't. But l have known her for sometime before l brought it up to her.

 

[PHOton]

Hi everyone. I hope someone can provide some helpful advice.
I'm neurotypical and 8 months ago I met a man, a very interesting man. He never mentioned being an aspie, and I doubt he even knows he has this condition, but after a few months of trying to explain his behaviour I did my own research and he seems to fit the aspie profile 100%.
Now, over the months I started to fall for him, but it took 2 months just to get a kiss on the cheek from him.
When I decided to make my feelings known, he said he wanted a serious relationship with me. He didn't want something casual, not with me. He added that due to his circumstances (trying to change job, current stressful job etc) he couldn't focus on a relationship, he was too stressed out. He said he needed to solve his career problems and then, in 3-4 months, he would be able to handle a relationship. This didn't make sense to me, surely I can handle my career AND a relationship. But he said he knew it would end badly if we got together at that time. I thought that was odd, I accepted his decision and hoped for the best.
Instead, he disappeared for the next 4 months. I sent him messages, but he never replied, not once. I worried, I replayed in my mind everything he said, everything I said, and his behaviour just didn't make any sense.
After 5 months, I returned to his city (we live in different places) and asked him to meet. He behaved like nothing happened over a 5hrs lunch! He didn't apologise, nor he mentioned his disappearance. He just talked at length about other topics. Except "us".
In the end, he said we should go out the next week, he would call on Monday. Instead, he didn't call. When I asked him out the next day, he never answered my message. It's now been over 2 weeks.
I'm feeling extremely disappointed and hurt. Over the past 8 months I showed him nothing but respect, patience and love. And in return I'm getting his silence.
I'm pretty sure he doesn't know he's an aspie (last time we went out he said that everyone treats him like an alien), but at the same time I can't continue to be treated like this.
We have some "friends" in common, who think he's arrogant, self-centred and selfish and they just deal with him in small doses, they don't care about him or what he does. They just told me to forget about him and move on with my life.
I would like some advice from an aspie perspective to understand his behaviour. Is it normal? After 8 months of trying to understand him, I don't know how to handle this. Nor I know if I should keep trying.

I think his plans are not realized: people living with autism when stressed out(burned out) in trying to figure a problem out, experience dis loop of thought "I'm a failure" repeatedly. That experience makes the autistic person feel "cold hearted" literally, which is the genesis of isolation. I once told a lady that "I don't want to take the heat off you" meaning that I don't want to slow her down, since I felt like a failure(broken). We autistic people are very complicated due to our difficulty to control emotions, but this I will tell you " if you cannot absorb the stress you will experience in the relationship and cannot offer solutions to some of his problems(questions) even though he may find it hard to share at times then I think you should go ur separate paths or else you are on a ticking bomb". Although he might improve with time (slowly) provided dat he has the right support.

 

[velociraptor]

As opposed to someone who disappears for months instead of communicating like an adult?

If he is an Aspie (this is not certain) perhaps his idea of adulting is different than yours. My NT wife and I have markedly different ideas of what is romantic, or when and where communication is needed.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

What you describe is how some of us approach things, sometimes very linearly, trying to complete one thing before picking up the next item. I still have that tendency. But I need to add, that when a person is important to me as when I was dating my future spouse, she took precedence. Slowly I learned some ways to work with several issues at the same time without triggering much anxiety.

When it comes to the ethics of dealing with others, those with ASD are no different than NTs, though we tend to communicate differently. You do not give any indication whether or not he is basically shy and his interpersonal experience with women. This also has its own complications. Here is a little article that may give you insight. Inside The Mind Of Guys Who Are Shy And Inexperienced With Women | www.succeedsocially.com