• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

I find it annoying when people act like support and advice are the same or match them up as if they are but they’re not

Status
Not open for further replies.
2

2Fragile2TakeCriticism

Black sheep in my own community
V.I.P Member
I have to make it short because stupid ads keep blocking my ability to send messages.

I can’t stand it when people expect me to find solutions as if I have a choice for everything i experience. I tell them I want support, NOT advice, but they still act as if they’re the same, but in reality they’re not.

They pull up the definitions for each and act as if they’re similar and when I ask them to see them as a difference and that I just want empathy, they get mad because they think I have to work my butt off and change everything about myself to GAIN empathy. It’s ridiculous! I cannot change my genes or my mindset because it’s not possible.

I get so tired of begging for empathy yet these people won’t listen and assume I’m just wanting the easy way out. When I want empathy and validity for my experiences, I mean it. That is all.
 
Yes, I can relate. These people think, to be happy you need to be like them. And this is how you do it ...
.
grr...
 
on the flip side, people aren't going to say what you want them to, when you need it most. we are all autonomous beings. be gentle with yourself and others.
 
It is your choice to get really upset about it, @2Fragile2TakeCriticism . . I also get irritated by these things. And it is your right.
.
No advice, but I know for myself, I don't like stewing over something I have no control over.
 
Wanting empathy is a part of the human condition. Where things get fuzzy is in the details. Attitude plays a large part in this.

e.g. It is easy to empathise with another's frustration. But like many essential things empathy is also a limited resource in terms of emotional and mental involvement.

Sometimes people don't have the resources to offer the desired or scripted response, but still feeling obliged to offer something, so they offer advice, whether it is welcome, needed, or not because some type of response is required.

Flipside on requisite empathy is the difference between someone empathising with one's struggle and active support in a situation. Empathy can definitely validate one's emotions, but it doesn't actively resolve anything.
 
Darkkin said:
Wanting empathy is a part of the human condition. Where things get fuzzy is in the details. Attitude plays a large part in this.

e.g. It is easy to empathise with another's frustration. But like many essential things empathy is also a limited resource in terms of emotional and mental involvement.

Sometimes people don't have the resources to offer the desired or scripted response, but still feeling obliged to offer something, so they offer advice, whether it is welcome, needed, or not because some type of response is required.

Flipside on requisite empathy is the difference between someone empathising with one's struggle and active support in a situation. Empathy can definitely validate one's emotions, but it doesn't actively resolve anything.
Click to expand...
Nice middle ground explanation. Well done.
 
2Fragile2TakeCriticism said:
I have to make it short because stupid ads keep blocking my ability to send messages.

I can’t stand it when people expect me to find solutions as if I have a choice for everything i experience. I tell them I want support, NOT advice, but they still act as if they’re the same, but in reality they’re not.

They pull up the definitions for each and act as if they’re similar and when I ask them to see them as a difference and that I just want empathy, they get mad because they think I have to work my ass off and change everything about myself to GAIN empathy. It’s ridiculous! I cannot change my genes or my mindset because it’s not possible.

I get so tired of begging for empathy yet these assholes won’t listen and assume I’m just wanting the easy way out. When I want empathy and validity for my experiences, I mean it. That is all.
Click to expand...
Dude. You came on a public site asking for empathy about a being traumatized by the rapture and your dream of burning in hell. Of course others are going to offer advice because they care and have empathy towards you and your plight.
 
Wolfnox said:
Dude. You came on a public site asking for empathy about a being traumatized by the rapture and your dream of burning in hell. Of course others are going to offer advice because they care and have empathy towards you and your plight.
Click to expand...
Advice is not the same thing as empathy. I repeat, it is NOT the same thing. It is completely different! I don’t need my problems to be solved, I just want someone to understand them. It helps relieve the pain I’m suffering.
 
I see this often too as these days everyone has an urge to throw in their two cents on matters, even if they cannot relate to it in any way. Although someone taking time out of their day to offer their thoughts usually comes from a good place, sometimes it's just unnecessary and not helpful. And sometimes even virtue signalling. So I (think) I get what you're saying..?

But ya one thing I have to do is to filter out (ignore) the things that are not helpful and search for the ones who get me. But also understand the ones who get you might be fewer and far between but they're there. Having someone simply say "I get you" and leave it at that.. it's a powerful thing, first step in validating feelings which is important.
 
2Fragile2TakeCriticism said:
So you want me to change myself dramatically too?
Click to expand...
Oy Gevalt! Of course not. I'm saying no one can control the opinions or reactions of another. All you can do is learn to love and forgive. When you are bitter about something, the only person you hurt is yourself. The other person goes merrily on their way.
 
If you are autistic, and the people that seem to not share empathy are related to you, it is highly likely that they are on the spectrum as well.
 
2Fragile2TakeCriticism said:
Advice is not the same thing as empathy. I repeat, it is NOT the same thing. It is completely different! I don’t need my problems to be solved, I just want someone to understand them. It helps relieve the pain I’m suffering.
Click to expand...
A therapist would be really good for this. You can bounce your problems off of them, and vent. Most of them went into that field of work, because they love people.
 
Yeshuasdaughter said:
If you are autistic, and the people that seem to not share empathy are related to you, it is highly likely that they are on the spectrum as well.
Click to expand...
I wouldn’t assume all people from the autistic spectrum lack empathy. I’m autistic and I’m also empathetic. Sure, I may not understand what some people experience because it didn’t happen to me but I try to take it into perspective and analyze how it would affect me. It’s like stepping into another’s shoes, you get what I mean?
 
If I did not word it empathetically before, what I meant to say was,
"I have known that fear, too, but you don't have to stay there."
 
2Fragile2TakeCriticism said:
Advice is not the same thing as empathy. I repeat, it is NOT the same thing.
Click to expand...

It's not the same thing TO YOU.

That's part of the problem with something like this, for a lot of us on the spectrum.

As an example, generally if I'm hoping for empathy from someone else for whatever situation I'm in, yes, I absolutely do hope advice is part of it. In my experience, one of the reasons people give advice in many situations is because they care. It's why *I* give advice as well. So when I receive advice from others, that's generally receiving empathy, at least in my experience. And when I give advice, that is also empathy, because it's the only thing I know how to do. Simply giving advice by itself in textbook manner isnt "empathy", but doing it because you care and really just want to help absolutely is... in my experience. It's very subjective. Which makes it very confusing.

Also keep in mind context and tone. If you start talking like you have some sort of important need, or sound just really confused about something, or are scared, these are things that make people want to give advice rather than anything else. That's a natural response to something like that. PARTICULARLY when they really care about you.

One of the most aggravating things about being on the spectrum is understanding that just because we see things one way, that DOES NOT mean that thing actually comes ONLY in that specific shape, or that others see or experience it that way. And when it comes to something like empathy specifically, well... empathy comes from within, it's not some manufactured object you buy from the store that's the same for everyone and comes only in one color and one shape. So it can take different forms depending on who is giving it. That it doesnt fit perfectly into the mold you have for it doesnt mean that the person doesnt care. They might be doing their very best to try to be there for you and show as much empathy as possible. It just means it has a different shape than what you personally think it should. Keyword there being "personally".

If you want someone to just sit and listen to a problem rather than give advice, the only way to really guarantee that is to find someone for whom empathy usually takes exactly that form by default. Expecting someone to mangle the concept into a particular shape it usually doesnt take for them can often change a mood of worry and concern for you into anger and frustration directed at you.

Also the whole thing gets even worse if someone doesnt understand or in some way cannot relate to whatever problem you're having. That adds layer upon layer of sheer confusion on top of... everything else.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

New Threads

Top Bottom