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I HATE MADDOG

I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS LEVEL OF ANGER BEFORE

THIS IS THE ANGRIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN

I AM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING GRABBING SOME FORM OF A WEAPON AND USING IT ON HIM SOMEHOW. NOT TO KILL HIM, BUT JUST TO MAKE HIM SUFFER

LIKE HE MADE ME SUFFER

I WANT TO SEE HIM ROLL AROUND ON THE FLOOR WAILING IN PAIN BLEEDING FROM THE HEAD

LIKE HE DID TO ME

THEN I CAN JUST LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH UNTIL I'M HOARSE IN THE THROAT AND BLUE IN THE FACE
 
Okay. Take a deep breath. Is he very sadistic? He likes seeing you squirm? You need to talk sense or make a plan to take your financial aid and skadoo. Be warned, violent crime is increasing, and it's tougher. Can you find a group home sponsored by the state you live in?
 
Are you sure maddog is a real person? Does he life at your house? Is he an uncle, a family friend or your stepfather?
 
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I hate that I forget to breathe in these moments.

Okay. Good news is I didn't kill anybody, despite being ANGRY enough to do soAAAAAAAAAUUHH but thankfully my therAAAAAApist taught me a new trAMPLEHISSKULLINTOTHEGROUNick today, so breathingFIREINTOHISFACE deeply should be a lot easier.


.........Oh my god. Oh. My god. Am I really this angry? Guys, I don't even know if I even thought about what I was typing. I mean, I stopped to resize the text in my replies and make it bold red. If I'm angry enough to do that on a forum website, then I shudder to think what I'd allow myself to do in person given the same frame of time....

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now... I'm kinda really ashamed of myself because I should be better than this...

God almighty... What am I doing with myself?!

I wish Aloe was physically here so I could let her put her tail around me...
 
UberScout said:
WHY IS THERE NEVER AN ANSWER TO THIS
WHY DO WE CALM DOWN JUST TO GO BACK TO DOING IT OVER AGAIN
WHY AM I STILL HERE
WHY
WHY
WHYYYYYYYYYY
Click to expand...

I've wondered about that, too.

It seems that you and your mother believe it's not
possible to live separately from your step-father, that
there is no way to disengage from him.
 
UberScout said:
I HAVE NEVER FELT THIS LEVEL OF ANGER BEFORE

THIS IS THE ANGRIEST I HAVE EVER BEEN

I AM SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING GRABBING SOME FORM OF A WEAPON AND USING IT ON HIM SOMEHOW. NOT TO KILL HIM, BUT JUST TO MAKE HIM SUFFER

LIKE HE MADE ME SUFFER

I WANT TO SEE HIM ROLL AROUND ON THE FLOOR WAILING IN PAIN BLEEDING FROM THE HEAD

LIKE HE DID TO ME

THEN I CAN JUST LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH UNTIL I'M HOARSE IN THE THROAT AND BLUE IN THE FACE
Click to expand...


One thing I've noticed is that the intensity of your feelings always
seems to surprise you. It's as if you forget what it's like to feel
and the feelings make you more upset because it seems like it's a new
inexplicable experience.

Each anger event, for example, you rate as the most extreme.
 
UberScout said:
I hate that I forget to breathe in these moments.

Okay. Good news is I didn't kill anybody, despite being ANGRY enough to do soAAAAAAAAAUUHH but thankfully my therAAAAAApist taught me a new trAMPLEHISSKULLINTOTHEGROUNick today, so breathingFIREINTOHISFACE deeply should be a lot easier.


.........Oh my god. Oh. My god. Am I really this angry? Guys, I don't even know if I even thought about what I was typing. I mean, I stopped to resize the text in my replies and make it bold red. If I'm angry enough to do that on a forum website, then I shudder to think what I'd allow myself to do in person given the same frame of time....

I don't really know what I'm feeling right now... I'm kinda really ashamed of myself because I should be better than this...

God almighty... What am I doing with myself?!

I wish Aloe was physically here so I could let her put her tail around me...
Click to expand...


Sounds like you were able to have the feelings of anger last night
and work through them.

The goal of therapy isn't to remove feelings.
It's to come to the point where you know that you
have the ability to experience feelings and work
through them without harm to yourself or other people.


POV: You're being visited by Aloe
 
Definitely agree with @tree here. The ability to feel your anger and then slowly work on disengaging from the anger by breathing deeply, coming here and venting, this all helps. Then you look back and understand what triggered you. Was it something he said, something did? Next time he pulls the same routine, say yup, he is doing it again, poor guy , he is just reenacting maybe something he experienced as a child and it is not okay to do it to me.

You could step back, and say, you are really angry, l am leaving until you can treat me respectfully. I guarantee he will be angry but you keep telling him over and over until he gets it. You are a young adult, you not get respect until you stand up for yourself. I know you can do this.
 
Okay. Sometimes you just keep trying something new. I ran at the gym to help with the abuse in my marriage.
 
If someone in your area found you a government subsidized apartment where you only had to pay a fraction of your SSI monthly income on rent, and where you got free food benefits and health insurance, would you move out and live in such a place, or cannot you function living on your own? I am just trying to get a better idea of your functionality in terms of self care and independent living, and your current desires, before I make further comment
 
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