I have a heart full of hate.

[Aspychata]

The bottom line is the more unhappy we are, corporate bottom line improves.

 

[musicallessness]

Sorry to hear that Metalhead. You have to give it up. The only person it is hurting is you. Give yourself a break and let it go.

Let them go and get the support from autismspeaks.org. oh, it sucks to give som much to people and get nothing or even betrayed. Write about this and use the education and experience from the volunteering (if you had lame ass therapists), write your thesis for your doctorate and teach the masses. I'm not going to be sorry for labelling normal people, as I believe they are the truly disabled but the earth is for the learners not the learned. and the learned will quickly see. but, choose to be joyful over why and what makes you, you.

you are not alone in this view. and I want to say that perhaps, this forum and not social is best to keep us safe. (for me anyways, I'm done with social media, too many scams). shoot, I'm even done with smart phones. I'm back to the days of email and online chat rooms oh, and who remembers the party lines of the eighties and nineties?

 

[Fino]

You've probably heard this before but the best revenge would be to be happy.

 

[musicallessness]

You've probably heard this before but the best revenge would be to be happy.

Hmm thanks now I don't feel guilty about how spiteful they are and when some tell me I'm not allowed to be as happy as I am. haha feeling guilty for being happy, joyful and peaceful. sucha crime. oh, I have been enjoying learning how to use sarcasm been a master at facetiousness.
thanks for the revenge tip

 

[Metalhead]

Seriously, most humans are idiots who celebrate their own slaughter because they do not realize what is going on - they are far too busy masturbating to the misfortune of others to care that they are being thrown under the bus.

I learned most of my family is like that, then I learned it is not just my family - it is most of humanity.

It is nice to know that even here there are some people who would absolutely get the biggest dopamine hit ever if they were to watch me self-destruct.

 

[Callistemon]

I hate so many different people who have burned me in the past.

I hate everybody who has ever taken advantage of me when I was at my lowest points.

I hate everybody who has ever effectively silenced me when I dared to speak the truth.

I hate everybody who has ever used me as a withdrawal only ATM.

I hate my entire blood family for raising me to be nothing more than a doormat.

All this hatred in my heart, and nothing I can realistically do about any of it except to let the hatred go and let everybody off the hook in the process.

Anger is often a useful "wake-up" along the road if you've grown up with people who messed with your boundaries / didn't let you have any / didn't treat you like a person. It's different for everyone, but before I felt real consistent red-hot anger at my family of origin I felt decades of sadness (with the odd burst of anger). The anger was part of how the bottomless sadness got resolved. It helped me to make boundaries that could not be messed with. It didn't happen until I had PTSD flashback nightmares in my early 40s, which showed me exactly what had happened emotionally.

So for a while there in my early 40s I was furious with my parents - an emotion that I'd largely tried to push away before. I felt the red-hot anger. I wouldn't say I hated them - I just stopped caring about them overtly, and wanting to continue the relationship. It wasn't "I wish they got hit by a bus" - it was, "I have no wish to be in the presence of these people, and they would have to fundamentally change the way they treat me for that to change." And I was furious on behalf of that little girl, who I could now see clearly - as furious as I would be if I saw anybody treat any little girl that way. And that withdrawal from wanting to socialise with them no matter how bad it felt to me was honouring that little girl - and the adult I am now.

Anger can be a helpful wake-up, a signal your boundaries aren't being respected, and a good circuit breaker that changes fundamentally how you approach things. Hot metal can be moulded, etc. It can make you very creative and give you energy to make changes. Use that energy constructively, and it can be tremendously useful.

Like you, I use music for emotional processing. Here's a couple of songs that really embody the red-hot anger I was feeling - both musically and thematically. The interesting thing is that at heart, they are also constructive songs, for all their anger.

That one, I'd already taken note of when I was a teenager and in the thick of this stuff. I noticed even back then that the anger in this song was so different to the destructive anger I saw in my own family. It wasn't toxic, bullying anger, it was a reasonable reaction to injustice and toxicity.

Here's another, that I picked up in midlife and while processing the PTSD flashbacks. I usually prefer this band live but the studio version of this is raw and red-hot with a stratospheric, amazing vocal performance and so, so worth listening to because of what that vocal conveys. It's a song about injustice on a societal level and the causes and possible solutions.

If we don't occasionally get angry for the right reasons, and in a constructive way, we are at great risk of becoming doormats, and also of not taking society back from the kind of bully-boys and bully-girls who often occupy powerful positions and do a lot of damage to many people. Constructive anger says, "I end here and you begin there. You will not absorb me into your agenda. I will live and act according to my own conscience. I will stand up for myself and I will stand up for anyone who is getting oppressed. You can do this, but you cannot do this with me. I will not be part of this."

There's lots of injustice and dysfunction, in the wider world and also in many people's families - and also in ourselves, and that is a job we really need to tackle. Here's a song about that...how that connects back to our own backgrounds...

If you asked me these days how I feel about my parents, who are at the end of their lives now, I feel a sorrow that they never dealt with the issues they had effectively enough not to scar the next generation or even reconcile with the next generation after the fact, or to live happy loving constructive lives themselves, and all of that was such a terrible waste - but this wasn't something I could do on their behalf - we can only ever work on ourselves. I'm sorry for them that they drowned in all this stuff behind the facade they presented to the world. I don't hate them or wish them ill, and at this stage of life I am able to see that the people they hurt the most were actually themselves. But I also don't love them, because for a long time the thing I had for them that I called love was just a trauma bond, a kind of Stockholm Syndrome - the thing they taught me to have, but it was only an effigy of love, and I learnt elsewhere in the world what love actually is, and that it's not possible to love, in the sense of friendship or family, people you don't know and who don't know you - which is what happens if people aren't authentic selves, but merely role-playing their way through life and putting their own projections on other people instead of getting to know them for real.

It's not easy to come out of something like this, @Metalhead - but you're a good way down the road of getting out of that quicksand already and it's pretty obvious you don't want to go back for another turn at the quicksand. It gets easier, and you'll see more clearly in the rear vision than you could when you were in the thick of it. ♥

 

[Metalhead]

Anger is often a useful "wake-up" along the road if you've grown up with people who messed with your boundaries / didn't let you have any / didn't treat you like a person. It's different for everyone, but before I felt real consistent red-hot anger at my family of origin I felt decades of sadness (with the odd burst of anger). The anger was part of how the bottomless sadness got resolved. It helped me to make boundaries that could not be messed with. It didn't happen until I had PTSD flashback nightmares in my early 40s, which showed me exactly what had happened emotionally.

So for a while there in my early 40s I was furious with my parents - an emotion that I'd largely tried to push away before. I felt the red-hot anger. I wouldn't say I hated them - I just stopped caring about them overtly, and wanting to continue the relationship. It wasn't "I wish they got hit by a bus" - it was, "I have no wish to be in the presence of these people, and they would have to fundamentally change the way they treat me for that to change." And I was furious on behalf of that little girl, who I could now see clearly - as furious as I would be if I saw anybody treat any little girl that way. And that withdrawal from wanting to socialise with them no matter how bad it felt to me was honouring that little girl - and the adult I am now.

Anger can be a helpful wake-up, a signal your boundaries aren't being respected, and a good circuit breaker that changes fundamentally how you approach things. Hot metal can be moulded, etc. It can make you very creative and give you energy to make changes. Use that energy constructively, and it can be tremendously useful.

Like you, I use music for emotional processing. Here's a couple of songs that really embody the red-hot anger I was feeling - both musically and thematically. The interesting thing is that at heart, they are also constructive songs, for all their anger.

That one, I'd already taken note of when I was a teenager and in the thick of this stuff. I noticed even back then that the anger in this song was so different to the destructive anger I saw in my own family. it wasn't toxic, bullying anger, it was a reasonable reaction to injustice and toxicity.

Here's another, that I picked up in midlife and while processing the PTSD flashbacks. I usually prefer this band live but the studio version of this raw and red-hot with a stratospheric, amazing vocal performance and so, so worth listening to because of what that vocal conveys. It's a song about injustice on a societal level and the causes and possible solutions.

If we don't occasionally get angry for the right reasons, and in a constructive way, we are at great risk of becoming doormats, and also of not taking society back from the kind of bully-boys and bully-girls who often occupy powerful positions and do a lot of damage to many people. Constructive anger says, "I end here and you begin there. You will not absorb me into your agenda. I will live and act according to my own conscience. I will stand up for myself and I will stand up for anyone who is getting oppressed. You can do this, but you cannot do this with me. I will not be part of this."

There's lots of injustice and dysfunction, in the wider world and also in many people's families - and also in ourselves, and that is a job we really need to tackle. Here's a song about that...how that connects back to our own backgrounds...

If you asked me these days how I feel about my parents, who are at the end of their lives now, I feel a sorrow that they never dealt with the issues they had effectively enough not to scar the next generation or even reconcile with the next generation after the fact, or to live happy loving constructive lives themselves, and all of that was such a terrible waste - but this wasn't something I could do on their behalf - we can only ever work on ourselves. I'm sorry for them that they drowned in all this stuff behind the facade they presented to the world. I don't hate them or wish them ill, and at this stage of life I am able to see that the people they hurt the most were actually themselves. But I also don't love them, because for a long time the thing I had for them that I called love was just a trauma bond, a kind of Stockholm Syndrome - the thing they taught me to have, but it was only an effigy of love, and I learnt elsewhere in the world what love actually is, and that it's not possible to love, in the sense of friendship or family, people you don't know and who don't know you - which is what happens if people aren't authentic selves, but merely role-playing their way through life and putting their own projections on other people instead of getting to know them for real.

It's not easy to come out of something like this, @Metalhead - but you're a good way down the road of getting out of that quicksand already and it's pretty obvious you don't want to go back for another turn at the quicksand. It gets easier, and you'll see more clearly in the rear vision than you could when you were in the thick of it. ♥

I feel ridiculous. All it took was a few posts from an anonymous Internet troll to have me diving back into the hate quicksand. He got the pleasure he wanted, and I was left with regret.

 

[Callistemon]

I feel ridiculous. All it took was a few posts from an anonymous Internet troll to have me diving back into the hate quicksand. He got the pleasure he wanted, and I was left with regret.

I think for me, also, the worst thing is how vulnerable being brought up by one set of trolls made me to other random trolls in society - like there was a very soft vulnerable skin on my scars which could be ripped open by the prying beaks of vultures like this. I tried to grow teflon plating, but a teflon plated me isn't a me in barefoot contact with the earth, which is how I want to be. So in that case I felt that vulture avoidance and various vulture dispersal strategies were better strategies, than to lose the extra vulnerability I have as a result of being scarred. That vulnerability is also such a huge advantage to me in so many ways, and in my relationships with people who aren't vultures!

So I don't teflon plate myself for ideological and personal reasons. But emotionally even dealing with trolls/vultures gets easier with practice.

And you can be sure that those people aren't happy people, and will be their own karma if they don't change. Sadly they also do lots of damage to others if you give them oxygen or put them in power positions.

 

[Suzanne]

I feel similar to you. I hate most of my "family" as well. My second sister betrayed me and at one time just tried to excuse herself by saying she was too young to know better, but on the contrary, that is a heck of an excuse, because she matured faster than me, probably due to her not having aspergers.

There are others I hate too, but my faith truly does help me get through those dark times.

 

[The Elephant]

I hate so many different people who have burned me in the past.

I hate everybody who has ever taken advantage of me when I was at my lowest points.

I hate everybody who has ever effectively silenced me when I dared to speak the truth.

I hate everybody who has ever used me as a withdrawal only ATM.

I hate my entire blood family for raising me to be nothing more than a doormat.

All this hatred in my heart, and nothing I can realistically do about any of it except to let the hatred go and let everybody off the hook in the process.

Yeah, people are willing to put up with anything as long as they have food on their plate, a roof over their heads and a never ending stream of entertainment. I too am guilty of this.

I should put my damn foot down and not only say enough is enough, but actually act as if enough is enough as well.

Well said ! I know just what you mean !
Its so hard letting it all go !

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

excuse

When someone stops making an excuse that didn't look good enough, they may be saying something by saying nothing (e.g stop putting her foot in mouth). Yes, that still leaves us with the work of making our own space good. My mate accused me of intimidating our circle (a silly but weighty remark), and my memory and cognition can't figure out whether it still applies or not. I might check him out explicitly sometime. In families, silence replacing noises often speaks volumes.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

All it took was a few posts from an anonymous Internet troll to have me diving back into the hate quicksand. He got the pleasure he wanted,

I know what you mean. What I try to do then is, I imagine what (about me) is in his visual field, and for how long. If I conclude that it doesn't make sufficent sense for him as a human being, he must be losing out more than I am.

Every time, it's ourselves we let off the hook, either of beating ourselves up, or of fixing the other person.

 

[Metalhead]

My fever broke, and I am starting to get over all of this now. I guess I was just feeling angry mainly because I was very sick the last couple of days. That is no excuse, but it is a reason.

 

[Slim Jim]

Just lookin at the title....Am Reminded.....Sounds like Henry Rollins line... "I've gooot aah HEART that hates!, .....A FIST I wanna BREAAAK...." Yeah Almost Henry Rollins there. That's one of his songs.

 

[Au Naturel]

I hate so many different people who have burned me in the past.

I hate everybody who has ever taken advantage of me when I was at my lowest points.

I hate everybody who has ever effectively silenced me when I dared to speak the truth.

I hate everybody who has ever used me as a withdrawal only ATM.

I hate my entire blood family for raising me to be nothing more than a doormat.

All this hatred in my heart, and nothing I can realistically do about any of it except to let the hatred go and let everybody off the hook in the process.

Exactly. Let the hatred go. The people you think wronged you aren't on hooks anyhow. Just don't make the same mistakes in the future.

 

[Nick12]

hi please watch this video on you tube sesame street we all sing with the same voice