I have a profound eye contact problem

[WereBear]

Thing is, when an NT is overwhelmed by feelings, they have trouble with eye contact, too!

When someone on the Spectrum makes eye contact, we can get overwhelmed at that point. I think that is really what is going on.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Maybe... Not real sure. I don't look to see. Thats how bad I am at this eye thing.

However, (this is embarrassing but I will tell it), I have gotten in trouble a couple of times and lost a chance at a date when I was younger over my eye contact issues. I, (not realizing what I was doing- off in my head) during some conversations... I guess they thought I was staring at their boobs... I wasn't even seeing anything...

I was trying to put things together in my head to talk. One lady lifted my chin and said, "My eyes are up here." That basically crushed me, because I never meant to do that. I felt she thought I was a perv. It still makes me want to puke.

My Gramps had bad issues with non-eye contact. It worried him. He would tell me, "No one will ever trust you if you cant look them in the eye," as I was looking at the ground with both hands in my pockets... Its always been a horrible issue for me.

Have always felt I can tell the difference between someone who's shy and has difficulty making eye contact and someone who's avoiding eye contact because they were "shifty". If I were to try and describe the difference I'd say that "shifty" people tend to avoid direct eye contact by looking around elsewhere whereas shy people tend to seem to be staring down in a frozen sort of way but seem to be listening or looking inside themselves. Not sure if this makes any sense.

 

[Chance]

Have always felt I can tell the difference between someone who's shy and has difficulty making eye contact and someone who's avoiding eye contact because they were "shifty". If I were to try and describe the difference I'd say that "shifty" people tend to avoid direct eye contact by looking around elsewhere whereas shy people tend to seem to be staring down in a frozen sort of way but seem to be listening or looking inside themselves. Not sure if this makes any sense.

Yes it makes sense... If a person is about to do something bad they are (a different type of nervous = shifty)... I stand there "frozen" head down listening intently, wanting to try and say something meaningful as a response. Looking at a person throws the whole thing into a spin.

 

[Mr Allen]

I wasn't even aware of the "No eye contact" thing till some idiot from Remploy delighted in pointing it out when I went for an interview in 2007.

 

[Esa]

My anxiety over making eye contact is somehow so bad that when people pick up on it, they avoid eye contact with me also. Once this is established, interaction becomes painfully awkward. It can make people actually dislike me, especially co-workers, which is a problem.

I'm not even sure how to handle this problem. Maybe it's just anxiety that is the root of the problem? Or, should I just focus on learning appropriate conduct with eye contact? I'm not sure.

For example, I gather that when talking to someone for several minutes, you don't just stare at their eyes the ENTIRE time. But when is it appropriate to look at them? What are the cues? Need help

When you consider something a problem, the people around you might pick up on that. We make up all these problems. Then we worry about them all the time. This is so consuming. If I were to tell you not to think or worry about it so much, it wouldn't work and I'd sound stupid to even think there's a chance that might. Because people don't stop thinking and start feeling relaxed when they're told to do so.
A less stressful life is possible. I believe you shouldn't care so much about whether people like you or not. Worrying about it won't change it. We have eyes so we can see, so we can observe and analyse and understand. The purpose of having eyes is not so people can see we are looking at them and feel approved or reassured or taken seriously. Yes, by looking at someone in the eyes, you can accomplish all of those things. But don't feel like you have a problem. It's not a problem. There are blind people. Do they offend you? It's not that they have an excuse, the need for an excuse is what's made up by people.
The rest of the world has no right to expect you to fit into their made-up molds. You, on the other hand, can expect them to be understood. And if they don't get it, that's probably because they have a "problem".

 

[Streetwise]

Oh and might I mention a super nightmare on eye contact.

Here where I live is a man who has one crazy eye... It points up and way over to the right... I am not making fun of him, my heart hurts for him to have to deal with that...

He's a very nice older man but he gets WAY UP CLOSE in my personal space and he's a frikkn GIANT... I cant hardly deal with talking to him and it makes me feel awful about who I am...

Sometimes I just want to tell him what a freak I am, because I think he notices I avoid him and that just makes me feel sick inside.

you should talk to jesse du plantis ! remember him a member of the congregation was waiting for prayer and he had what I think was called a Lazy eye ! so Jesse is standing in front of him but he can't work out if he's looking at the person next to him or if he is looking at Jesse ,of course Jesse being Jesse tells everybody about it on his next broadcast .

 

[Thursday]

My anxiety over making eye contact is somehow so bad that when people pick up on it, they avoid eye contact with me also.

I do that too. Unconsciously, people try to mimic the actions of those they want to get along with...so it makes sense that even NTs will pick up on some of our habits. Us aspies being more reserved in general adds to the interest of those around us.

For me, what works is I look at their eyes when my reply is something “easy” (as in those that come naturally, like responses to greetings) and then I break the eye contact by either busying myself with something, or smiling and nodding before I turn away. I’m not always successful, but doing it sometimes seems to be enough.

Try not to stress about it so much, even if it’s tricky. Just try to see what works for the people who you mean to get along with. If they don’t make the effort to meet you half way, then that’s out of your control so don’t mind them.