I hear these things at least once a week!

[Jdeisher]

So I wanted to make this thread kind of as a reassurance that I am what or who I think I am(recently self-diagnosed ASD). I am quite commonly called an asshole or douchebag or rude. My entire life it was an everyday thing, and I couldn’t figure out why. Was it because I look angry all the time? Or because I never look in peoples eyes? Nope!!! It was because of what I said to people or how I said it! I don’t realize the way I say things sounds so rude or douchebaggish! Lol so leave me some feedback if you hear these things too! To help me have more confidence that I am ASD!!! If you have heard before or hear very often that you are:

Acting childish!-whatever that means! This is not something I understand, I’m not doing anything a child would do so what is childish about it???

Being accused of purposely trying to piss people off!-I avoid confrontation for a reason! Why would I want to piss people off!!!

Bad time management!-I’m sorry, I need my routine to be completely finished in order to not lash out! It’s your fault for not telling me multiple times what time we had to leave!

I don’t think before I act!-sure I do, but when I think, My process is completely different then yours!

I’m selfish!-how am I selfish, what do I do that doesn’t involve you too?!

My priorities are screwed up!-my priorities are hard to know, they change, I try to change them but that’s not how my mind works!

Always look miserable!-I’m sorry, I’m terrible with expressing myself, I’m not miserable, I start to get miserable when you keep telling me I am!!

Always negative!-I’m not always negative, I just like to have pros and cons to each situation, I can’t help that it sounds negative!

Give way too much information!-when I’m talking about something I enjoy, I have to keep the conversation going!

Get way too extreme, there’s no middle, it’s either high or low!-when you tell me I am doing bad at something, or obsessing with something, it’s all I think about. So I try to make up for it, again my head is going a million miles per second!

Never in the moment!-I am though, just not in the way that you see! And yet again, my mind never rests!

Never content!-sure I am, while I watch tv and think about 100 different things at the same time!

Exaggerate a lot!-well I’m not really sure how to actually imagine things or picture things in my head, so I make a piece of paper seem like a billboard!

Here's my favorite!!!

You’re an asshole!-I am in no way trying to be one, I’m sorry you think that but I don’t understand why you would get hostile like that. All I did was State a fact, and kind of make you look stupid unintentionally!

I’m sure there are more but it’s all I could really think of atm lol! Add yours too!!!!

 

[Sabrina]

Who says these things to you?

Do these people also reenforce you with positive feedback, so you know that they are not biased against you?

I would be suspicious of anyone that mostly says bad things about you. But if that person, along with the negative criticism, also praises you when you do things right, then I think you should consider her, or his, opinion.

We are usually socially challenged, and it’s important to be humble sometimes, because sometimes we do screw up. But that doesn’t mean that everything that people say it’s true, specially people that might be against you just for being different.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Are you hearing these comments from co-workers, friends, family or someone else? Are you hearing some of them every week, or all of them every week?

Unfortunately, we live in an NT world. Their social rules prevail. Although we Aspies have difficulty understanding and navigating those rules, there are some proactive steps we can take and some social cues we can learn to pick up on that will help make these interactions less difficult.

Let me focus on one in particular, because I think the steps we can take to solve this challenge can also apply to many of the others:

Give way to much information!-when I’m talking about something I enjoy, I have to keep the conversation going!

(Many of these tips I'm sharing come from noted Aspie social-skills expert Daniel Wendler. I highly recommend his book Improve Your Social Skills.)

What is your goal in having conversations such as these? Are you trying to build the relationship, or are you simply trying to unload everything you know about a given topic on the other person and then walking away? I would argue that unless you are a noted expert on a given topic then very few people would be interested in hearing your lecture. That leaves the only other alternative: relationship building. Suddenly, conversations necessarily become a two-way street. To keep the conversation going, you have to let the other person participate. (Sometimes, you even have to pretend that you've never heard what they are telling you so that you don't come across as a know-it-all.)

Yes, by all means share a little, but then stop and let the other person share a little, too. Use the Deli Metaphor. Learning to read their body language can help you pick up some signals, too. When you're talking, do they look interested and comfortable? Then go ahead and keep the conversation going (but still give them chances to participate). On the other hand, do they look bored? Do they keep glancing at their watch? Are their feet pointed toward the exit? These are all signs that they are running out of time or losing interest, so it's time for you to wrap it up.

The alternative to learning these social rules is a life filled with misunderstandings, eventually leading to isolation and loneliness (or you can log onto AC and interact with people who already know and use the same social rules as you!)

 

[pjcnet]

You have mentioned some aspie traits, while some could be also apply to anyone. If I had to guess then I'd gamble that you were aspie, but from the information given it would be impossible to be certain. You can however take online tests if you haven't already, they're still not a diagnosis, but if you answer the questions honestly and the result then concludes you are likely to be an aspie, then you probably are.

The Aspie Quiz is a good place to start. Different aspies have varying levels of different traits and a few traits may barely show at all, the test takes this into account, so even if you answer some questions how you'd expect a non aspie to answer, the final result could still conclude that you're likely to be an aspie. Best of luck!

 

[Jdeisher]

No one knows about my situation, I’ve never been diagnosed, but I also had no idea that ASD was something I would be. I never knew much about ASD and never thought to research it.

Last week a coworker approached me because he saw I was really agitated and asked what was up. I always had a routine for myself because it seemed to calm me, I work 7am-3pm mon thru Friday, and always take my lunch at 12:15pm.

Well my boss decided he wanted to assign people lunches and changed my lunch time to 11:30am. Well I flipped out! Badly! And my coworker said that he hates change and for 30 years doctors told him he had ADHD but it turned out he is autistic and when his routine is changed he acts like I did!

That immediately caught my interest and I had to research! So that was last Wednesday and here I am today!

 

[Jdeisher]

It’s usually everyone I speak to, coworkers, my family....up until last Wednesday I really just thought I was an ahole with bad social skills, so I cannot blame people for things I say, throughout my life these statements were always said to me, and after asking my mother how I was as a child, I came to the realization that I’m not a heartless ahole after all, I really can’t control my honesty or cut things to the point.

So I thought I’d post this thinking that I wasn’t alone on receiving comments like this. I do apologize if this offends anyone in here or represents anything negatively. I thought it was something that may be said to aspies quite often, only because it was my entire life.... again I apologize if it is offensive

 

[pjcnet]

No one knows about my situation, I’ve never been diagnosed, but I also had no idea that ASD was something I would be. I never knew much about ASD and never thought to research it. Last week a coworker approached me because he saw I was really agitated and asked what was up. I always had a routine for myself because it seemed to calm me, I work 7am-3pm mon thru Friday, and always take my lunch at 12:15pm. Well my boss decided he wanted to assign people lunches and changed my lunch time to 11:30am. Well I flipped out! Badly! And my coworker said that he hates change and for 30 years doctors told him he had ADHD but it turned out he is autistic and when his routine is changed he acts like I did! That immediately caught my interest and I had to research! So that was last Wednesday and here I am today!

Yes, not liking changes to a routine is a very common trait of being an aspie, although everyone is unique, including all aspies and as I wrote earlier, different aspies have varying levels of different traits. A lot of people however don't like change to some extent, but if this particular trait is pronounced then for an aspie it's likely to be a much bigger deal. For instance an aspie may feel very anxious by a change to routine, it could cause them to really worry and possibly even obsess over it, then if they haven't learned good coping strategies it could be quite difficult to handle to the extent that it could even cause an aspie to act in a way that would be considered unusual, abnormal or inappropriate to NTs (non aspies).

It’s usually everyone I speak to, coworkers, my family....up until last Wednesday I really just thought I was an ahole with bad social skills, so I cannot blame people for things I say, throughout my life these statements were always said to me, and after asking my mother how I was as a child, I came to the realization that I’m not a heartless ahole after all, I really can’t control my honesty or cut things to the point. So I thought I’d post this thinking that I wasn’t alone on receiving comments like this. I do apologize if this offends anyone in here or represents anything negatively. I thought it was something that may be said to aspies quite often, only because it was my entire life.... again I apologize if it is offensive

You don't need to apologise, it's unlikely to offend anyone here, this is a really friendly and understanding community that consists mostly of aspies (the rest mostly know aspies or have aspies in their family). It's very common for aspies to have lots of issues with people due to having bad social skills and not being able to read people, it's very rarely directly the aspie's fault however who isn't trying to offend or upset anyone (I've been through the same and so will many people here). A lot of the problem is also NTs (non aspies) not understanding the condition. Things can get better for aspies over time however as aspies can for instance learn to consciously read body language and with a lot of practice aspies can often be more accepted amongst NTs (non aspies).

The more you write, the more likely you appear to be an aspie, many aspies have above average intelligence and often have a special interest that they're really good at, do you have a special interest?

 

[Rasendra]

Always negative!-I’m not always negative, I just like to have pros and cons to each situation, I can’t help that it sounds negative!

I get this from my husband sometimes. Mostly it comes from how our minds work different. In a situation I will logical state something that is negative. I am not trying to be a downer or depressing I am just stating that factually the situation is negative. My husband does not like negativity and will make some comment such as it will all be fine or it's not really all that bad. To me his statements are not true because the situation is in fact negative so he is being illogical. To him though he is just trying to stay positive about the situation and thinks I am just dwelling on the negative. So it is more a perspective on how we think or see things. He needs to focus on the positive to get through negative situations. I need to focus on the situation itself and be realistic in understanding things. Telling me 'it will work out' has no facts to show me how so is frustrating to me. This has led to many arguments before we are able to understand that it is okay for us to see things differently and understand that about each other.

 

[Jdeisher]

Yes, not liking changes to a routine is a very common trait of being an aspie, although everyone is unique, including all aspies and as I wrote earlier, different aspies have varying levels of different traits. A lot of people however don't like change to some extent, but if this particular trait is pronounced then for an aspie it's likely to be a much bigger deal. For instance an aspie may feel very anxious by a change to routine, it could cause them to really worry and possibly even obsess over it, then if they haven't learned good coping strategies it could be quite difficult to handle to the extent that it could even cause an aspie to act in a way that would be considered unusual, abnormal or inappropriate to NTs (non aspies).



You don't need to apologise, it's unlikely to offend anyone here, this is a really friendly and understanding community that consists mostly of aspies (the rest mostly know aspies or have aspies in their family). It's very common for aspies to have lots of issues with people due to having bad social skills and not being able to read people, it's very rarely directly the aspie's fault however who isn't trying to offend or upset anyone (I've been through the same and so will many people here). A lot of the problem is also NTs (non aspies) not understanding the condition. Things can get better for aspies over time however as aspies can for instance learn to consciously read body language and with a lot of practice aspies can often be more accepted amongst NTs (non aspies).

The more you write, the more likely you appear to be an aspie, many aspies have above average intelligence and often have a special interest that they're really good at, do you have a special interest?

I’ve always been good with computers, but I’ve never thought that it was more than just a hobby. Mainly because I had no knowledge that I could be an aspie. I was actually teaching myself to program(code) until last week when I researched Asperger’s. And then I became obsessed with learning everything I could about it! So here I am!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

This has led to many arguments before we are able to understand that it is okay for us to see things differently and understand that about each other.

This seems to be the central issue for a lot of people : how to get to that point.

Whilst we have coomunication and understanding difficulties problems can increase when our communication improves.
We have to work hard to improve and often can bring insight to each persons perspective - NT and otherwise.
Sometimes the difficulty is the NT who has to learn how our different process works. Cue : reluctance and defensiveness.
We may not be as straightforward to them as they can end up being to us. (After we've done the years of work and learning)

 

[ksheehan88]

So I wanted to make this thread kind of as a reassurance that I am what or who I think I am(recently self-diagnosed ASD). I am quite commonly called an asshole or douchebag or rude. My entire life it was an everyday thing, and I couldn’t figure out why. Was it because I look angry all the time? Or because I never look in peoples eyes? Nope!!! It was because of what I said to people or how I said it! I don’t realize the way I say things sounds so rude or douchebaggish! Lol so leave me some feedback if you hear these things too! To help me have more confidence that I am ASD!!! If you have heard before or hear very often that you are:

Acting childish!-whatever that means! This is not something I understand, I’m not doing anything a child would do so what is childish about it??? <<< Yes, because I do behave immaturely sometimes, mostly when it comes to emotions.

Being accused of purposely trying to piss people off!-I avoid confrontation for a reason! Why would I want to piss people off!!! <<< Yes, same on both counts.

Bad time management!-I’m sorry, I need my routine to be completely finished in order to not lash out! It’s your fault for not telling me multiple times what time we had to leave! <<< This not so much. I am always at least 10 minutes early for everything, and if I am running late I get into a panic. It also drives me insane when trains/buses etc are late, even by a minute.

I don’t think before I act!-sure I do, but when I think, My process is completely different then yours! <<< Yes

I’m selfish!-how am I selfish, what do I do that doesn’t involve you too?! <<< Yes
My priorities are screwed up!-my priorities are hard to know, they change, I try to change them but that’s not how my mind works! <<< Yes

Always look miserable!-I’m sorry, I’m terrible with expressing myself, I’m not miserable, I start to get miserable when you keep telling me I am!! <<< Haha yes. I have what is referred to as "resting b***h face". Everyone always tells me I walk around looking angry.

Always negative!-I’m not always negative, I just like to have pros and cons to each situation, I can’t help that it sounds negative! <<< Yes

Give way to much information!-when I’m talking about something I enjoy, I have to keep the conversation going! <<< Yes, I go into too much detail or waffle on.

Get way to extreme, there’s no middle, it’s either high or low!-when you tell me I am doing bad at something, or obsessing with something, it’s all I think about. So I try to make up for it, again my head is going a million miles per second! <<< Yes, 100%

Never in the moment!-I am though, just not in the way that you see! And yet again, my mind never rests! <<< can you explain this one further?

Never content!-sure I am, while I watch tv and think about 100 different things at the same time! <<< Yes

Exaggerate a lot!-well I’m not really sure how to actually imagine things or picture things in my head, so I make a piece of paper seem like a billboard! <<< Yes

Heres my favorite!!!

You’re an asshole!-I am in no way trying to be one, I’m sorry you think that but I don’t understand why you would get hostile like that. All I did was State a fact, and kind of make you look stupid unintentionally! <<< Not sure I've had this

I’m sure there are more but it’s all I could really think of atm lol! Add yours too!!!!

 

[Ming of Mongo]

This could sound insensitive, but what exactly do you think will change when you get a formal diagnosis? What do you think it will do for you?

If people think you are an asshole now, do you expect them to be more understanding when you tell them a doctor signed off?

You are responsible for your actions regardless. The only reason to get a diagnosis is to help you deal with it. It isn't a free pass to piss people off.

I do hope things work out well for you. It's just that I've seen this before.

 

[Sabrina]

The one that I used to listened to a lot is this one:

Never in the moment
but not with those words, it was that I was ‘always’ absent minded. I’ve worked on that for years, hard, and now it ‘comes back’ only when I am too stressed out.

Still, for some people that it is not enough, and that’s when I said: ‘you know what? I can’t get better than this’. Lately I’ve realized that there’s a reason for my ‘absent mindness’, and it’s that I am a creative person. Now I am giving permission to myself to not be so efficient and ‘in the moment’ all the time because I pay with loss of my creativity.

In general I’ve found (reading experiences of other people here and in other places, as well as what I’ve seen in my own life) that aspies NEED time alone, is a necessity. Some people need more, others less, but we all do. If you don’t spend time alone regularly, I advise you to do that your first step in whaterever journey of self discovery you want to want to embark.

 

[Jdeisher]

The reason I want to be officially diagnosed is relieve myself. To officially know that I’m not a crazy mental person and have no explanation of why I am the way I am. I want to know so I myself can finally be able to figure out why I struggled with everything my entire life, why I had no friends, why my social skills made me look like I was absolutely nuts, why I get so obsessed with things, why I have to have a routine for everything little thing I do.

The diagnosis is for me and me only. My entire life, everyone just told me I had bipolar and depression and anxiety and mood disorders and major anger issues. No one ever asked why. They just assumed. I hate knowing that I am intelligent but was constantly put down and told I’ll be nothing.

By the time I turned 16 I was smoking weed everyday and breaking laws, because I was being who I thought I was to be, I needed to fit in. My social skills were terrible in school. All my teachers thought I was an idiot or cheated....I threw my intelligence out of the window, dropped out of high school 2 years before I was to graduate, went into the college that did the ged tests and passed it with flying colors without taking classes for it. I didn’t want to be where I am now. Who I am now. At 7 years old I was able to draw the world map in Detail without looking at one! My family was in shambles, I never got the attention or support I needed.

I lived my entire life not knowing who I am or why I do the things I do, or did. So this diagnosis will be something that will relieve me, make me understand who I am. Make me feel normal. I don’t care if people call me names or bully me. I’m used to it. The satisfaction is for me and me alone. And so I can get the support that I needed as a child, to be able to maybe still be able to have a career with computers like I’ve always wanted.

My special interests my entire life were computers and studying the universe. I absolutely love space, stars, planets....but every single person I had in my life, didn’t let me pursue those interests. Even to this day, I cannot be on my computer even for 30 minutes without someone yelling at me....my special interests were sabotaged. I loved those things. And maybe that’s one thing that makes me depressed. So this is why I need this

 

[Sabrina]

You don’t need it, IMO. I am self diagnosed. My therapist, who is great, still dismissed that I could be Aspie when I told him a year and a half ago. It’s been only recently that he believed me, after months of me talking about the subject and how I feel so at home here in Aspies Central (he doesn’t believe in labels, so he doesn’t like having his patients tested).

I know I am an aspie because the description of an aspie woman is what I consider ‘my real me’.

Believe in yourself. You are the only person that knows you more than any other person in the world, including therapists. If you think you are an aspie, if you feel that people in this board get you, then you are.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

You don’t need it, IMO. I am self diagnosed

Bingo.

 

[OkRad]

Be prepared . I have told my story here a million times, so here it is again. I had DX of Autism NOS. WHen they altered the DSM, they kicked me off the Spectrum. Suddenly I was just OCD, just presonality disordered, just anxiety. Ignored ALL the other things like social, interests, etc.....

The Dr was rude. Said I smiled! Said I made eye conntact. Told me to go to DBT and stop chasing autism, even though I HAD THE DX!

I went to a teaching hospoital to get Karyotyped because my Dr said I had too many symptoms to not be on Spectrum. THey found a duplication on Chrom 6. I am part of the Chrom 6 Research Project and they are all like me. Food and sleep and hyper and Sensory issues and social issues and some kind of odd Dev dis.

So, that is me. Am I on Spectrum? YES. But will I get the Dx of autism? Not anymore. Fastest cure of autism EVER. Just change the bar. Like they lower it for blood pressure so more meds can be sold, well, they raise the bar for autism so you cannot get services.

Just be prepared for them to treat you like dirt and laugh in your face and say you are just mentally ill. HOWEVER ,men do succeced in getting the dx more than women, espceially if the Dr is a man and an NT man at that!!! They are biased against "odd women" so you may still be in luck.

Keep us posted! No matter what, you will still be one of us

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

The Dr was rude. Said I smiled! Said I made eye conntact. Told me to go to DBT and stop chasing autism, even though I HAD THE DX!

Do you need me to say the guy was an idiot? Or are you on it like a bonnet?

 

[isthisreallife]

So I wanted to make this thread kind of as a reassurance that I am what or who I think I am(recently self-diagnosed ASD). I am quite commonly called an asshole or douchebag or rude. My entire life it was an everyday thing, and I couldn’t figure out why. Was it because I look angry all the time? Or because I never look in peoples eyes? Nope!!! It was because of what I said to people or how I said it! I don’t realize the way I say things sounds so rude or douchebaggish! Lol so leave me some feedback if you hear these things too! To help me have more confidence that I am ASD!!! If you have heard before or hear very often that you are:

Acting childish!-whatever that means! This is not something I understand, I’m not doing anything a child would do so what is childish about it???

Being accused of purposely trying to piss people off!-I avoid confrontation for a reason! Why would I want to piss people off!!!

Bad time management!-I’m sorry, I need my routine to be completely finished in order to not lash out! It’s your fault for not telling me multiple times what time we had to leave!

I don’t think before I act!-sure I do, but when I think, My process is completely different then yours!

I’m selfish!-how am I selfish, what do I do that doesn’t involve you too?!

My priorities are screwed up!-my priorities are hard to know, they change, I try to change them but that’s not how my mind works!

Always look miserable!-I’m sorry, I’m terrible with expressing myself, I’m not miserable, I start to get miserable when you keep telling me I am!!

Always negative!-I’m not always negative, I just like to have pros and cons to each situation, I can’t help that it sounds negative!

Give way to much information!-when I’m talking about something I enjoy, I have to keep the conversation going!

Get way to extreme, there’s no middle, it’s either high or low!-when you tell me I am doing bad at something, or obsessing with something, it’s all I think about. So I try to make up for it, again my head is going a million miles per second!

Never in the moment!-I am though, just not in the way that you see! And yet again, my mind never rests!

Never content!-sure I am, while I watch tv and think about 100 different things at the same time!

Exaggerate a lot!-well I’m not really sure how to actually imagine things or picture things in my head, so I make a piece of paper seem like a billboard!

Heres my favorite!!!

You’re an asshole!-I am in no way trying to be one, I’m sorry you think that but I don’t understand why you would get hostile like that. All I did was State a fact, and kind of make you look stupid unintentionally!

I’m sure there are more but it’s all I could really think of atm lol! Add yours too!!!!

Sounds like me (how I come across to people I mean). Is this your wife saying these things? Reading this, I can't help but be slightly concerned about abuse. Unfortunately we tend to be picked out of a crowd by people who do not have good intentions sometimes.

 

[Jdeisher]

My wife has said a lot of these. It does stress me out. I don’t know how to answer them or what they even mean sometimes. I can’t help it, no one believes me when I say that. I’m told all the time that I’m an adult and I can use my head. But to everyone, I’m lying and just being immature and making excuses