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I might be mean
- Thread starter Neia
- Start date
Haha so how did they greet you next time?
It was said to several people and the repercussions have been over weeks. There were a bunch of ones like this and similarly: "How are you? Oh right, you don't like that." There were times that they started the question, then expressed annoyance for me having this issue, despite me saying over and again that they shouldn't avoid asking it. Worst are jokes, such as "How are you not?" (The same person who did that, upon hearing today that I had lost my phone, immediately called to jokingly say, "I hear that you're a loser.")
As said, it was a joke. It wasn't the actual words that offended, but the idea that joking about it in a teasing way was the best first reaction. This particular relative has a history of making fun of my idiosyncracies and deficits - also thinking that it's just being humorous. I hate it, but have a hard time expressing how it hurts. Besides, it would just make me appear like a wimp to them.
By the way, someone found the phone and contacted us. He's willing to return it, but it appears that it would require some reward. I'm perfectly willing to give some, but the phone isn't even that valuable.
I think a part of the problem is that the question "how are you?" rarely means "how are you?".
It's a standard greeting most people use to re-affirm a relationship with someone before actually communicating the purpose for speaking with them. Different people use it in different ways. Some will use it as a formality and nothing more, they are not even listening for an answer beyond it being the trigger to allow them to continue with what they actually wanted to say.
Some people will actually listen to the response, as depending on who they're speaking to, and why, it will guide how they open the conversation.
But in the run of the mill everyday going's on, it's rarely intended as a way to find out how someone really is and most attempts to engage with the belief it is, end up unproductive in some way. It's just re-establishing contact, acknowledging the person they speak to is of some importance (in some way) so that person will pay more attention to what they want to say.
Often it's more about the context of the relationship and reason for communicating at that time, less about a genuine interest in that person beyond immediate needs. Obviously in closer relationships such as family, this can have more involved meaning due to the more complex and established relationships, and be more unique and less generic in it's interpretation.
It's a standard greeting most people use to re-affirm a relationship with someone before actually communicating the purpose for speaking with them. Different people use it in different ways. Some will use it as a formality and nothing more, they are not even listening for an answer beyond it being the trigger to allow them to continue with what they actually wanted to say.
Some people will actually listen to the response, as depending on who they're speaking to, and why, it will guide how they open the conversation.
But in the run of the mill everyday going's on, it's rarely intended as a way to find out how someone really is and most attempts to engage with the belief it is, end up unproductive in some way. It's just re-establishing contact, acknowledging the person they speak to is of some importance (in some way) so that person will pay more attention to what they want to say.
Often it's more about the context of the relationship and reason for communicating at that time, less about a genuine interest in that person beyond immediate needs. Obviously in closer relationships such as family, this can have more involved meaning due to the more complex and established relationships, and be more unique and less generic in it's interpretation.
Here, “How are you?” is the cultural equivalent of “Hello.” (I always answer, “Not too bad.” - If I don’t, something is really wrong. But if you don’t really know me, you don’t need to know that…)
Living in an NT world, getting bent out of shape by someone saying, “Hello”, in some shape or form, is not going to get you far. There is a whole world of understanding social interactions - e.g. pre-emptive de-escalation of conflict as a stranger enters your personal space, etc. Learn what your society’s constructs are, then see them for what they are - verbal “handshakes” (if it helps, compare it with digital communication protocols - but maybe that only works for geeks like me) and not intrusive interrogations.
Living in an NT world, getting bent out of shape by someone saying, “Hello”, in some shape or form, is not going to get you far. There is a whole world of understanding social interactions - e.g. pre-emptive de-escalation of conflict as a stranger enters your personal space, etc. Learn what your society’s constructs are, then see them for what they are - verbal “handshakes” (if it helps, compare it with digital communication protocols - but maybe that only works for geeks like me) and not intrusive interrogations.
I couldn't get past 2400 baud!
Wow! I'm more like 300 baud dialup!I couldn't get past 2400 baud!
Pah! I sneer at your acoustic coupler! I laugh in the face of your analogue dial!
My 2400 modem plugs straight into the wall socket! That's REAL technology for you!
Bow and scrap to my: screech! diddly piddly! ping! of a connection!
I even have the bandwidth for a two line sig!
My Uncle Dylan, who has shown more caring for me than any other relative of that degree, will ask it and then repeat it, to show that he really wants to know the answer. If I don't respond with an actual description of how I'm doing, he may say it again later in our conversation.
I might hate the question, I might be annoyed that he's prying, but I don't want him to stop doing it. That doesn't mean that I have to tell him everything going on in my mind and life. Despite the impossibility of him truly understanding me, he tries - and I love him for it.
I might hate the question, I might be annoyed that he's prying, but I don't want him to stop doing it. That doesn't mean that I have to tell him everything going on in my mind and life. Despite the impossibility of him truly understanding me, he tries - and I love him for it.
yeah, only tell that to a person you know already, not someone you're just an acquaintance with. it makes no sense, but that's what the socialization evolved into these days with those strange questions, which don't want real answers. although relatives are supposed to be the supportive ones, many of us have relatives who are worse than enemies.
Pah! I sneer at your acoustic coupler! I laugh in the face of your analogue dial!
My 2400 modem plugs straight into the wall socket! That's REAL technology for you!
Bow and scrap to my: screech! diddly piddly! ping! of a connection!
I even have the bandwidth for a two line sig!
I am in awe!
I'm in the UK!
(we'll be upgrading to ADSL in a decade or so!)
Oh! Just a minute, got to wind it up again ...
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