I Need Help and Comfort Please

[Dianafrances]

Try not to be mad at this point. Just be forthright in what you need to get accomplished and what you can to the best of your abilities. I get the feeling he's not doing this on purpose. He might just have to learn the hard way. You need to worry about yourself. You can't help him (or yourself) if he's blocking you from taking care of the mold. When you do decide if you're ready emotionally to go through with "threatening" a divorce, do so, but then you can also call the show Hoarders. With a full house and mold to go along with it, they are likely to air it on TV. It may be embarrassing, but at least it's potentially a big cost saver. You might get some included needed services too. The hoarding by your husband is a big indication that he is facing is own emotions and can't deal with the situation properly. He could very well be aspie, and is so delusional to what he really needs to take care of himself and you that he just wants to comfortably live in his own world. There definitely is "a point" where change must happen sometimes. It's unavoidable. This is one of those unpredictable times.

Also, instead of calling him, if he's not paying attention to you, consider writing a hand written letter, e-mail, and/or meeting in-person at a café or somewhere that is not his current home with mold or your parents. If you invite him to your parents right now, he could end up creating a hoarded mess there as well and all kinds of drama and your parents become that much more directly involved, which you don't need.

Hi. I only wish he would agree to see me. We are a 1000 miles apart and I am not well enough to travel to confront him face to face. Right now, I am at his mercy. He did begin initiating a few texts this past Thursday (while I was in my first meeting with the therapist his first text came in!) He did write he loves me. But his contact is sporadic, he does not reply to my texts to call. It's all so much to deal with emotionally on top of being ill with lyme. One person suggested that a future with him will include more of this, and I am 57. I have spent 7 years with him. I don't have a life time left, and it is probably been shortened having contracted Lyme. I have written him in two emails. I will try the handwritten letter next. I am working with a therapist now so maybe I will find some strength and support from her in addition to all of you on this forum. I greatly appreciate your time to share thoughts and advice.

 

[Dianafrances]

Hi. I only wish he would agree to see me. We are a 1000 miles apart and I am not well enough to travel to confront him face to face. Right now, I am at his mercy. He did begin initiating a few texts this past Thursday (while I was in my first meeting with the therapist his first text came in!) He did write he loves me. But his contact is sporadic, he does not reply to my texts to call. It's all so much to deal with emotionally on top of being ill with lyme. One person suggested that a future with him will include more of this, and I am 57. I have spent 7 years with him. I don't have a life time left, and it is probably been shortened having contracted Lyme. I have written him in two emails. I will try the handwritten letter next. I am working with a therapist now so maybe I will find some strength and support from her in addition to all of you on this forum. I greatly appreciate your time to share thoughts and advice.

I often wonder if this isn't partially on purpose. There is a big race coming up that he is crewing on. They are racing from Annapolis to Bermuda. The plans were if I was well enough, I would fly to Bermuda to meet the boat as they came in. I wonder if he isn't doing this silent treatment so I don't go over there, and he can party and have a wild time in Bermuda. He was quite the partier in earlier years. He is now 50,

 

[paloftoon]

Is he 1000 miles away from you because of work? This is much more complex than originally stated. I'm not sure how much we can help you if we don't know enough logistics. Maybe there's so much that it's hard to put out all at once.

He could be out having fun ironically because he wants to minimize the time he is in his own home with the mold. He might also not want to deal with the emotions and the sitting around required to be with you and would rather have fun. If you gave him your blessing for him to start sailing around at his whim, then that is actually on you. Especially with him being an aspie, you have to be as literal as you can be with him in a 1-1 type setting. It is possible he might be in such a selfish mode and "not get it." You need to be honest about your feelings, what he can do to help you, and what you plan to do if he does not follow through. Make sure you follow through on what you say you do. If you are dependent on his finances, then it sounds like you are stuck with what you have and have to try to make your own fun with what you can.

I'll do my best to keep track if I keep running into this thread. Good luck.

 

[Dianafrances]

Is he 1000 miles away from you because of work? This is much more complex than originally stated. I'm not sure how much we can help you if we don't know enough logistics. Maybe there's so much that it's hard to put out all at once.

He could be out having fun ironically because he wants to minimize the time he is in his own home with the mold. He might also not want to deal with the emotions and the sitting around required to be with you and would rather have fun. If you gave him your blessing for him to start sailing around at his whim, then that is actually on you. Especially with him being an aspie, you have to be as literal as you can be with him in a 1-1 type setting. It is possible he might be in such a selfish mode and "not get it." You need to be honest about your feelings, what he can do to help you, and what you plan to do if he does not follow through. Make sure you follow through on what you say you do. If you are dependent on his finances, then it sounds like you are stuck with what you have and have to try to make your own fun with what you can.

I'll do my best to keep track if I keep running into this thread. Good luck.

Hi. You are so correct that is very hard to put so much into one thread.

We were living together in MD where we both race sailboats. He and I became a team and we crew on a large boat and also race a one design boat of our own. When I became ill, I did not want to burden him, I was frightened as the symptoms were systemic and including my heart. I went to be near my parents due to the illness and that is why I am 1000 miles away. It was during the discovery of lyme and the genetic flaw that my body does not clear toxins well (which is why I was getting sicker and sicker as the infections grew and released more and more toxins, my body could not keep up with it and it was slowly poisoning me). This is why I cannot be around mold too. Between the infections and the mold, it will make me critically ill. Brian knows all of this and has not felt well during the winter. He mentioned that the thought he had Lyme so I bought him hundreds of dollars of herbs and same remedies I am getting in my treatment. I am financially secure on my own, Brian lives paycheck to paycheck. When he had a auto accident in 2011 he shut down, not from me, but from working etc. (This is before I knew he was on the spectrum) I recognized his dysfunction and stepped in. Stood by his side, got him to a Dr, Lawyer, got his rental car, located a new truck for him, dealt with the insurance companies and ultimately he got a 26K cash settlement.

The shut down this time is from me. During the winter he did not feel like working on the house and I understood that. I know how rotten one feels due to these infections. They drain you. But when sailing season started he had energy to do that and go to the after race parties. I began to not understand there was energy to do that and not to fix the house (I offered to pay) so I can come home to him and to my life there. I lost my temper one evening when during a call while he was at the party he spoke to crudely to me. That is what has spurred the shut down and mainly ignoring me. Last Thursday he initiated a text and wrote to me that he does love me. Then Friday, I felt a little better and when to a yacht club just to be near sailing. They race Melges 24's and those are his favorite boats. I sent him some pictures and now he has withdrawn again. I am so confused. I hurt so badly inside I just shake. I cry. This is not healthy for my recovery from lyme. I thought he would enjoy the pictures and be glad to see me around sailing, but apparently it turned him away again. He barely replies to any texts. I sent an email yesterday, a black and white email. Stating my loyalty to him etc. No reply.

I don't interfere with his sailing as I am part of that too. I love it and I get that it brings him pleasure. It is by far the most important thing in his life. I would not dream of interfering but he does accuse me of that. He totally missed understanding that not having energy to fix the house so I can home, versus having the energy to sail and party equated to my not reconciling the two and feeling not important at all.

 

[paloftoon]

His sailing and other activities have basically nothing to do with the mold at the home except that they both take a lot of energy. You owe him nothing and do not need to tell him you love him as the fact that you are willing to pay the full cost to remove the mold alone is enough to show your true love to him currently. The finances are in your hands, not his, so he is a fool to not listen to you. I can tell that you are not the type of person who would attempt to take advantage of someone else just because you have more money than they do. Are his sailing activities off of your finances since he's living paycheck to paycheck? If so, you need to stop the finances now. He either has to earn his own way to do that or allow you to remove the mold. I would not give him money at all at this point to even take care of the mold, because he will be too addicted to his sailing. I'm not sure if your husband knows what love really is. He loves the company, and he still wants to enjoy doing his own things his way, or anyone can join him if it's his way. That's okay since it worked for the two of you at that time and you both accepted that except that now, for an extreme situation like mold, he has to allow for someone else to take care of it if he doesn't want to do it himself.

He's not going to learn unless you distance yourself completely. He's taking advantage of you, maybe unintentionally, and you need to stop giving in until he does the right thing. If he wants to initiate contact with you, just keep asking him to take care of the mold and allow you to pay for the complete removal. Until he allows you to do that, do not initiate contact him at all costs. Sometimes, the only way to get through to people is to be slightly manipulative for good reason. I'd say mold is most certainly a good reason to act this way for your own survival.

 

[Dianafrances]

His sailing and other activities have basically nothing to do with the mold at the home except that they both take a lot of energy. You owe him nothing and do not need to tell him you love him as the fact that you are willing to pay the full cost to remove the mold alone is enough to show your true love to him currently. The finances are in your hands, not his, so he is a fool to not listen to you. I can tell that you are not the type of person who would attempt to take advantage of someone else just because you have more money than they do. Are his sailing activities off of your finances since he's living paycheck to paycheck? If so, you need to stop the finances now. He either has to earn his own way to do that or allow you to remove the mold. I would not give him money at all at this point to even take care of the mold, because he will be too addicted to his sailing. I'm not sure if your husband knows what love really is. He loves the company, and he still wants to enjoy doing his own things his way, or anyone can join him if it's his way. That's okay since it worked for the two of you at that time and you both accepted that except that now, for an extreme situation like mold, he has to allow for someone else to take care of it if he doesn't want to do it himself.

He's not going to learn unless you distance yourself completely. He's taking advantage of you, maybe unintentionally, and you need to stop giving in until he does the right thing. If he wants to initiate contact with you, just keep asking him to take care of the mold and allow you to pay for the complete removal. Until he allows you to do that, do not initiate contact him at all costs. Sometimes, the only way to get through to people is to be slightly manipulative for good reason. I'd say mold is most certainly a good reason to act this way for your own survival.

I need to clarify, we are not married. We are in a committed monogamous relationship.

I have to agree that what love means to him is very different than what love means to me. You are right, he was very happy and content when things were going well, I could race and sail, travel, do lots of other sporting events together. When I became ill,he basically did not know what to do with himself at home. He burned through 26k of insurance settlement money I secured for him after he was in a vehicle accident. He came to see me 3 times since I have been away and I went back home with him in October for several weeks. But the mold was horrid and I could not stay plus I had to go to Wichita for treatment for lyme.

This past Thursday he intitated texting with me for the first time in a week. It gave me hope, That night he texted he was tired and going to bed but wrote "I do love you." So then I was filled with hope again! The next evening a girlfriend and I took a short ride to the Lake Geneva Yacht Club. It was a nice night and I just wanted to be near sailing for a little while. Brian's favorite boat is the Melges 24 and they race at LGYC. I took a few pictures of them and sent them to him. I only stayed about 30 minutes, my GF and I had dinner and went home. I was real tired by that short outing. Well, he is back to not texting me again. I have NO IDEA what he is doing but it is destroying me. If he replies I get a one word answer. Such as I text "are you at work" an hour later he will write "yes" and then I do not hear from him again. I started to see a therapist because this silent treatment and not knowing if we even have a relationship anymore is destroying me. I am weak from lyme and this is finishing me off. I just cry and sleep. I can't function at all. I try but I am devastated. I don't know what is going on!

 

[paloftoon]

Since you are not married, he does not want the pressure of being committed to you because it becomes a burden on him and his activities. 26k of insurance money is a big commitment to make to a person that you are not married to. It is almost like he was a best friend, but isn't reciprocating now because he can't handle this situation. He also doesn't want to intrude on his desires for your situation. You want that care, but he may not feel it's worthwhile.

There's still another "angle" to this where maybe he doesn't feel the relationship is committed, or he considers it an open relationship. Since he is not tied down by marriage, he is open to walk away when he is not able to enjoy doing the things he does. It appears that you may have showered money on him, at least kind of. It would be interesting to hear Brian's perspective directly at this point, but that is not a feasible possibility.

There is definitely a lack of understanding on how deep this relationship is, what is okay and not, how much care should be involved, etc.

Now, I'm not so sure how much fault he has in this situation despite how I understand how frustrated you are. Did he say he felt committed to you? Was there a discussion on how serious this relationship really was before all of this happened?

I don't think Brian is able to help you out let alone himself. You need to start looking elsewhere for comfort and support.

Maybe start using your time to look for potential cures or ways to increase your energy when having Lyme disease, or from the after effects of this or whatever medical scenario you are in now.

 

[Dianafrances]

Since you are not married, he does not want the pressure of being committed to you because it becomes a burden on him and his activities. 26k of insurance money is a big commitment to make to a person that you are not married to. It is almost like he was a best friend, but isn't reciprocating now because he can't handle this situation. He also doesn't want to intrude on his desires for your situation. You want that care, but he may not feel it's worthwhile.

There's still another "angle" to this where maybe he doesn't feel the relationship is committed, or he considers it an open relationship. Since he is not tied down by marriage, he is open to walk away when he is not able to enjoy doing the things he does. It appears that you may have showered money on him, at least kind of. It would be interesting to hear Brian's perspective directly at this point, but that is not a feasible possibility.

There is definitely a lack of understanding on how deep this relationship is, what is okay and not, how much care should be involved, etc.

Now, I'm not so sure how much fault he has in this situation despite how I understand how frustrated you are. Did he say he felt committed to you? Was there a discussion on how serious this relationship really was before all of this happened?

I don't think Brian is able to help you out let alone himself. You need to start looking elsewhere for comfort and support.

Maybe start using your time to look for potential cures or ways to increase your energy when having Lyme disease, or from the after effects of this or whatever medical scenario you are in now.

Hi. Yes, he is committed and is the one that first wanted to enter a relationship. He asked me to love him, and I did. We will have been together for 7 years in July. Until I got ill, it was mainly very good.

I did not make a commitment of 26k to him. When he had his car accident, he shut down, could not function. I recognized what was happening, stepped up and handled every aspect of his case. From getting him to a Doctor, to an attorney, to getting a rental car, to shopping for a new truck and dealing with the insurance company, to getting him through surgery, to getting him through settlement on his pain and injury case. He texted after that 2 year process that he could not have gotten through it without me. I was happy to help. It was is what you do when you love someone. You help them through the bad times. I would have given up my recreation to help him. He, on the other hand, is more selfish when it comes to helping me. Sailing comes first no matter what.

It will be two weeks tomorrow that this happened. I have every right to feel frustrated. There is no blame here. It's a misunderstanding that led him to shut down and now is totally ignoring me. I responded in anger in a NT grey fashion, he took it the wrong way, and now has shut me out.

It has now reached a point where he knows what he is doing to me. He is able to work, sail and socialize so he should be able to stop ignoring me and at least respond to texts. This is now cruel. He knows me, and he knows this is hurting me and he doesn't care.

I will not contact him anymore, until I make a decision. I need to get to a place of strength emotionally and physically. This has set my healing back in a large way and he knows how ill I am. But, this is the same guy that when I had to be taken off the raceboat due to heart issues, he had no concern and told me "if you get off this boat, you will lose your position". He had no concern for my well being, he did not get off the boat and go to the hospital with me. He went ahead and raced.

 

[Dianafrances]

Since you are not married, he does not want the pressure of being committed to you because it becomes a burden on him and his activities. 26k of insurance money is a big commitment to make to a person that you are not married to. It is almost like he was a best friend, but isn't reciprocating now because he can't handle this situation. He also doesn't want to intrude on his desires for your situation. You want that care, but he may not feel it's worthwhile.

There's still another "angle" to this where maybe he doesn't feel the relationship is committed, or he considers it an open relationship. Since he is not tied down by marriage, he is open to walk away when he is not able to enjoy doing the things he does. It appears that you may have showered money on him, at least kind of. It would be interesting to hear Brian's perspective directly at this point, but that is not a feasible possibility.

There is definitely a lack of understanding on how deep this relationship is, what is okay and not, how much care should be involved, etc.

Now, I'm not so sure how much fault he has in this situation despite how I understand how frustrated you are. Did he say he felt committed to you? Was there a discussion on how serious this relationship really was before all of this happened?

I don't think Brian is able to help you out let alone himself. You need to start looking elsewhere for comfort and support.

Maybe start using your time to look for potential cures or ways to increase your energy when having Lyme disease, or from the after effects of this or whatever medical scenario you are in now.

I want to thank you for all of your time trying to help me evaluate what is happening for Brian, and if I have any hope that he will want to stay together, which is what I would like. I am emotionally distraught and have apologized to him for my role in upsetting him and doing so in a way that was not clear to him. It was not black and white, it was grey for sure. It was 2 years of stored frustrations that finally I could not contain any longer. I want to matter enough to him that he will fix the house so I can come home.

I reached out to this forum for advice from those with Aspergers. that you might help me understand the possibilities of where he is mentally based on his texts. Right now he is in no text mode after I sent him pictures of the boats at LGYC. The night before that he told me he does love me. Now there is nothing and I am absolutely confused with NO IDEA of what to do or to think. I just know all I am doing is crying as my life with Brian took an abrupt end and I dearly want him and our life back, quirks and all.

 

[paloftoon]

You have nothing to apologize to him for. The fact that I know now that Brian told you you would "lose your position on the boat" even though you had to go to the hospital, and that he would not go to the hospital with you is disgusting. He only loves you when he is able to do his enjoy his own life narcissistically. Being with him will only be aggravation for you. You don't need this in your life.

What you want is not possible. The Old Brian is not coming back. At this point, you are better off without him. There are so many other great people out there and so much fun to be had. Don't let your life waste away because of his selfishness and lack of care. Don't be there when he needs it because it is the only way he can learn at this point.

You can be strong Diana. Maybe even print these posts out and share them with a therapist you are or will see, and keep a copy for yourself. We wish you the best Diana!

 

[Hanna fowler]

I am an NT. I have been in a committed relationship with an Aspie for nearly 7 years.

I noticed some things early in the relationship that were different. He did not tell me about his Aspergers until at least 4 years into the relationship. We shared common interest in sailing and he spent a lot of time teaching me and we became racing partners and had the time of our lives together. When i was researching and getting my brother diagnosed with Autism, Brian told me that he had Aspergers and he disappeared into the other room. I followed him and told him I knew he did, but it did not matter to me, I loved his just as he was.

Fast forward: 2 years ago I fell very ill with Lyme disease. To not burden Brian, and to get treatment, I came home for a short duration closer to my parents. At first we did not know what was wrong and it took over a year to diagnose me. Brian came to visit, and we talk 3 to 4 times a day. EVERYDAY.

Brian's home has mold in the basement. I cannot be around mold as that combined with Lyme will make me critically ill. Brian knows this. This past winter he told me he thinks he has Lyme and has been very tired after work and shares a lot of the symptoms I have. I understood, and although I missed him terribly, I did not pressure him to fix the basement. I offered to pay for it but he likes to do the work himself. He doesn't trust anyone else. So I am dependent on him removing the mold before I can come home to him.

Sailing/racing season started this past April. I have not been well enough since early April 2014 to race, but Brian has not been afflicted as severely with Lyme as I have. So he is racing twice to three times a week. Racing takes a lot of energy. So this past Wednesday he raced and went to the race results party. He called prior to going to the club and I was on the phone with a family member. I called him immediately after hanging up and instead of speaking normally his demeanor was mean. He said "Hey" instead of Hey darlin. Then he said "I feel like a dick standing around here talking to you". Well that did it. That set my anger off. I don't like being spoken to so rudely and crudely. I sent him a text that said while I sit home, he has energy to party and race, but no energy to fix the mold so I can come home. I told him that I was not his priority and it hurt me.

Well, that started the silent treatment. He called me and accused me of trying to make him feel guilty for going to race results and to "eff off". He hung up.

He has not spoken to me since. He ignores all communication attempts to work it out. I get one line reply when I said I was hurting and it was cruel to ignore me. He wrote "leave me alone". then the next say when I texted "are you ok" he replied "yes, I am upset and yet don't feel like talking" I then texted Saturday "is our relationship over" he replied "I am very upset and not ready to talk about it". I did not contact him Sunday, and I did not hear from him. I made a video of me talking to him and sent it today. I texted asking if he got it "I can't get it to open". I resent it in a different forum and no reply and don't think he has viewed it. At his lunch, when we normally speak, I texted "you can call". No reply no call. For the most part he knows I am hurting and suffering over the inability to talk with each other. I am clueless if I even have a relationship because he won't answer either way. This is incredibly painful to me.

Can anyone give advice or suggestions? I am in a world of hurt and I certainly don't deserve it. I have a right to get angry and become frustrated just like he does 20 times a day.

Thank you kindly for reading and I'd greatly appreciate advice. I don't want to lose our relationship but need to be spoken to without crudeness and lack of respect. And then ignoring me feels a lot like abouse.

Hello, I just want to say that I understand your hurt and frustration at the moment. I just recently wrote a post on here called 'my AS boyfriend abandoned me' Except in my situation he completely disappeared without an explanation and wouldnt and still hasnt responded to any of my texts. I am sorry you are going through this. I have gotten a lot of good advice on here saying regardless of AS he has no right to treat you this way and I agree.

 

[wiserlady]

I am an NT. I have been in a committed relationship with an Aspie for nearly 7 years.

I noticed some things early in the relationship that were different. He did not tell me about his Aspergers until at least 4 years into the relationship. We shared common interest in sailing and he spent a lot of time teaching me and we became racing partners and had the time of our lives together. When i was researching and getting my brother diagnosed with Autism, Brian told me that he had Aspergers and he disappeared into the other room. I followed him and told him I knew he did, but it did not matter to me, I loved his just as he was.

Fast forward: 2 years ago I fell very ill with Lyme disease. To not burden Brian, and to get treatment, I came home for a short duration closer to my parents. At first we did not know what was wrong and it took over a year to diagnose me. Brian came to visit, and we talk 3 to 4 times a day. EVERYDAY.

Brian's home has mold in the basement. I cannot be around mold as that combined with Lyme will make me critically ill. Brian knows this. This past winter he told me he thinks he has Lyme and has been very tired after work and shares a lot of the symptoms I have. I understood, and although I missed him terribly, I did not pressure him to fix the basement. I offered to pay for it but he likes to do the work himself. He doesn't trust anyone else. So I am dependent on him removing the mold before I can come home to him.

Sailing/racing season started this past April. I have not been well enough since early April 2014 to race, but Brian has not been afflicted as severely with Lyme as I have. So he is racing twice to three times a week. Racing takes a lot of energy. So this past Wednesday he raced and went to the race results party. He called prior to going to the club and I was on the phone with a family member. I called him immediately after hanging up and instead of speaking normally his demeanor was mean. He said "Hey" instead of Hey darlin. Then he said "I feel like a dick standing around here talking to you". Well that did it. That set my anger off. I don't like being spoken to so rudely and crudely. I sent him a text that said while I sit home, he has energy to party and race, but no energy to fix the mold so I can come home. I told him that I was not his priority and it hurt me.

Well, that started the silent treatment. He called me and accused me of trying to make him feel guilty for going to race results and to "eff off". He hung up.

He has not spoken to me since. He ignores all communication attempts to work it out. I get one line reply when I said I was hurting and it was cruel to ignore me. He wrote "leave me alone". then the next say when I texted "are you ok" he replied "yes, I am upset and yet don't feel like talking" I then texted Saturday "is our relationship over" he replied "I am very upset and not ready to talk about it". I did not contact him Sunday, and I did not hear from him. I made a video of me talking to him and sent it today. I texted asking if he got it "I can't get it to open". I resent it in a different forum and no reply and don't think he has viewed it. At his lunch, when we normally speak, I texted "you can call". No reply no call. For the most part he knows I am hurting and suffering over the inability to talk with each other. I am clueless if I even have a relationship because he won't answer either way. This is incredibly painful to me.

Can anyone give advice or suggestions? I am in a world of hurt and I certainly don't deserve it. I have a right to get angry and become frustrated just like he does 20 times a day.

Thank you kindly for reading and I'd greatly appreciate advice. I don't want to lose our relationship but need to be spoken to without crudeness and lack of respect. And then ignoring me feels a lot like abouse.

My aspie can behave like this. I figure that as he is a control freak who always wants to monitor who does what, why , when and all the rest he hates the idea that you have some control, he has to take back as much control as he can. so he tries to get you to text and then he takes over where he makes you wait for a reply. He now has control. You are the one worrying and sweating not him.