I need help with my relationship

[Alexej]

Hi @Lena_131309

I have just finished reading "The Asperger Couple's Workbook" by Maixine Aston. It is relatively short and quite light to read. There is good stuff in here to help you with relationships in general. However, with the current situation and things shutting down all over the place alternative approaches may be needed and there is good advice in this thread.

I do hope you and your boyfriend work out things between you.

 

[onlything]

I went into a 'shock' at the beginning of the quarantine as well. Part of my routine, for example, especially during weekends, was to go for long walks every day to get to know the city better. During the quarantine, however, I can go only for a short walk to buy things I may need at home. I spent the first few days anxiously walking around the room, not knowing what to do. I'm still working it out.

As others said, give him time to settle down and create a new routine. However, do check on him from time to time, you can just send a text with 'how are you doing?' every few days and see if he responds. Everyone behaves differently in sudden isolation, especially if they were (like me) quite active and social before it began.

If he is similar to me, then he may also know a list of things he could do instead of his routines. The problem with me is that I don't want to do these new things - I want to do what I would outside the quarantine. I want to keep the same things. I want to work in the same way as before, in the same place. It's not about being bored without specific these things to do - it's about feeling completely out of control with how things are progressing. This, in turn, leads to rumination and disinterested distracting yourself - you want to do something but you don't know what. It can be really frustrating.

He will find his new routine in time. Then, he may get anxious about the fact that this routine may end at any point - whenever they call the quarantine off and the whole process will have to start again.

Good luck. Try not to worry too much. You'll be fine, he'll be fine, it just may take some time.

 

[Lena_131309]

I went into a 'shock' at the beginning of the quarantine as well. Part of my routine, for example, especially during weekends, was to go for long walks every day to get to know the city better. During the quarantine, however, I can go only for a short walk to buy things I may need at home. I spent the first few days anxiously walking around the room, not knowing what to do. I'm still working it out.

As others said, give him time to settle down and create a new routine. However, do check on him from time to time, you can just send a text with 'how are you doing?' every few days and see if he responds. Everyone behaves differently in sudden isolation, especially if they were (like me) quite active and social before it began.

If he is similar to me, then he may also know a list of things he could do instead of his routines. The problem with me is that I don't want to do these new things - I want to do what I would outside the quarantine. I want to keep the same things. I want to work in the same way as before, in the same place. It's not about being bored without specific these things to do - it's about feeling completely out of control with how things are progressing. This, in turn, leads to rumination and disinterested distracting yourself - you want to do something but you don't know what. It can be really frustrating.

He will find his new routine in time. Then, he may get anxious about the fact that this routine may end at any point - whenever they call the quarantine off and the whole process will have to start again.

Good luck. Try not to worry too much. You'll be fine, he'll be fine, it just may take some time.

Thank you so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

I guess he is exactly like you, or at least very very close to what you described.

Before the lockdown he had very structured routine, his days were always busy with work, meeting friends from work after work, going to the gym, going to the cinema and meeting myself 1-2 per week.

With the lockdown, almost everything from his routine was turned upside down. And this just happened from one day to the other...he wrote me on Wednesday (after 2 days of silence), “I’m feeling better, Monday hit me hard, I needed some time to adjust”.

He cannot do his job (he is kindergarten teacher and they are all closed across Germany), but he is still going there (despite the place being empty) just to stay / clean his group room and have a “feeling” of “going” to work. He can stay there only for 3 hours so I assume, the rest of the day is a struggle to work on his new routine.

As advised by you guys I gave him space to work on it and was not initiating any contact. He came back to me after two days asking how I’m doing and we texted for the rest of the day. We are in constant contact but I can clearly see that he is trying not to show me how difficult this situation is for him, saying “I don’t care about the virus, we can meet if you want”, “I’m five, I will just run instead and play more games”, but I can see that he is more quiet than usual.

Fortunately, our common friend (that we both suspect is on spectrum as well), invited us for a movie night on Tuesday (only 3 of us) so maybe it will help him to feel better (watching movies with us is part of his routine). It’s difficult...I would really like to help him more, make him know that I think about him and that I’m there in case he needs me, but I think he is trying to keep my away from his “dark mood” (as he is calling it). I’ve never seen him during meltdown or extreme anxiety time, so I don’t know how bad it can be. And I’m not sure if he is ready to make me part of it.

I hope you will feel better soon and will find your “alternative” routine. All the best for you.

 

[onlything]

Thank you so much for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

I guess he is exactly like you, or at least very very close to what you described.

Before the lockdown he had very structured routine, his days were always busy with work, meeting friends from work after work, going to the gym, going to the cinema and meeting myself 1-2 per week.

With the lockdown, almost everything from his routine was turned upside down. And this just happened from one day to the other...he wrote me on Wednesday (after 2 days of silence), “I’m feeling better, Monday hit me hard, I needed some time to adjust”.

He cannot do his job (he is kindergarten teacher and they are all closed across Germany), but he is still going there (despite the place being empty) just to stay / clean his group room and have a “feeling” of “going” to work. He can stay there only for 3 hours so I assume, the rest of the day is a struggle to work on his new routine.

As advised by you guys I gave him space to work on it and was not initiating any contact. He came back to me after two days asking how I’m doing and we texted for the rest of the day. We are in constant contact but I can clearly see that he is trying not to show me how difficult this situation is for him, saying “I don’t care about the virus, we can meet if you want”, “I’m five, I will just run instead and play more games”, but I can see that he is more quiet than usual.

Fortunately, our common friend (that we both suspect is on spectrum as well), invited us for a movie night on Tuesday (only 3 of us) so maybe it will help him to feel better (watching movies with us is part of his routine). It’s difficult...I would really like to help him more, make him know that I think about him and that I’m there in case he needs me, but I think he is trying to keep my away from his “dark mood” (as he is calling it). I’ve never seen him during meltdown or extreme anxiety time, so I don’t know how bad it can be. And I’m not sure if he is ready to make me part of it.

I hope you will feel better soon and will find your “alternative” routine. All the best for you.

He does sound very similar to me since I also had this kind of a busy routine pre-lockdown. I'm glad you try to understand his feeling with such patience. He's lucky to have you.

Not sure how it is with him but I may have two types of 'Dark Mood'. One where I feel down, anxious, lost, not sure what to do or where to go. The second one where I feel angry, where I can become quite bitter. In both instances, I tend to stay alone and avoid people, especially people I love, not because I don't love them anymore but because I don't want to risk hurting them. So, if he isolates himself when he's feeling down, don't take it personally. He'll always come back when he feels ready.

Meltdowns, shutdowns and anxiety attacks are different for every person, so I can't tell you how bad it is for him. Each of our situations will be different, depending on emotional state and experiences.

I rarely have meltdowns, so I can't tell you how they feel. I am more of a shutdown person and I shutdown slowly, gradually. From what I understand, this is the main difference between shutdowns and meltdowns - shutdowns seem to be directed inwards and are rather quiet, meltdowns often blow up onto surroundings. In both instances, something happens that made everything just too much.

When I get into shutdown, I may become less enthusiastic about things, quieter, seemingly more tired, with little or fake smiles, sometimes mentioning migraines or headaches. I may say that my eyes hurt, that it's loud or that things seem to be a bit too much at the moment. On the day shutdown finalises, I will withdraw early and ignore any received messages, just being with myself, most often in dark and quiet. I don't ignore people out of malice, despite what some would thing.

Anxiety and panic attacks are nasty and I hope you'll never see or experience one. My family witnessed two of mine. Both times were utterly humiliating. Maybe it would be different for you at him, you seem like a gentle person so maybe this kind of quiet, soft coaxing could help, but at the end of the day, no one wants to be seen in this kind of a vulnerable state. Also, it's messy. Kids don't look cute with drool and snot on their faces, adults are even less cute at the time.

But he may be just anxious, without any attacks, you know? So no need to get concerned over things that may not be true for him. Maybe he's just an anxious 'I'm going to walk a hole into my floor' type . I tend to be too, but then it was already mentioned.

Oh, if he's already nervous, maybe mention that he could limit caffeine? Caffeine makes you even more nervous.

And apologies for the long message. Good luck during the quarantine, don't forget to also take care of your own health. It's a difficult time for everyone involved.

 

[Lena_131309]

He does sound very similar to me since I also had this kind of a busy routine pre-lockdown. I'm glad you try to understand his feeling with such patience. He's lucky to have you.

Not sure how it is with him but I may have two types of 'Dark Mood'. One where I feel down, anxious, lost, not sure what to do or where to go. The second one where I feel angry, where I can become quite bitter. In both instances, I tend to stay alone and avoid people, especially people I love, not because I don't love them anymore but because I don't want to risk hurting them. So, if he isolates himself when he's feeling down, don't take it personally. He'll always come back when he feels ready.

Meltdowns, shutdowns and anxiety attacks are different for every person, so I can't tell you how bad it is for him. Each of our situations will be different, depending on emotional state and experiences.

I rarely have meltdowns, so I can't tell you how they feel. I am more of a shutdown person and I shutdown slowly, gradually. From what I understand, this is the main difference between shutdowns and meltdowns - shutdowns seem to be directed inwards and are rather quiet, meltdowns often blow up onto surroundings. In both instances, something happens that made everything just too much.

When I get into shutdown, I may become less enthusiastic about things, quieter, seemingly more tired, with little or fake smiles, sometimes mentioning migraines or headaches. I may say that my eyes hurt, that it's loud or that things seem to be a bit too much at the moment. On the day shutdown finalises, I will withdraw early and ignore any received messages, just being with myself, most often in dark and quiet. I don't ignore people out of malice, despite what some would thing.

Anxiety and panic attacks are nasty and I hope you'll never see or experience one. My family witnessed two of mine. Both times were utterly humiliating. Maybe it would be different for you at him, you seem like a gentle person so maybe this kind of quiet, soft coaxing could help, but at the end of the day, no one wants to be seen in this kind of a vulnerable state. Also, it's messy. Kids don't look cute with drool and snot on their faces, adults are even less cute at the time.

But he may be just anxious, without any attacks, you know? So no need to get concerned over things that may not be true for him. Maybe he's just an anxious 'I'm going to walk a hole into my floor' type . I tend to be too, but then it was already mentioned.

Oh, if he's already nervous, maybe mention that he could limit caffeine? Caffeine makes you even more nervous.

And apologies for the long message. Good luck during the quarantine, don't forget to also take care of your own health. It's a difficult time for everyone involved.

Thank you so much again for your explanation, you don’t even expect how much it means to me...you explain everything so clearly that, for the first time since few days, I’m able to rest a bit my spinning mind and see the shapes more clearly in this foggy, foreign world to me. And don’t worry about their length, I love reading, especially such a wise words. And I’m definitely not better in writing short messages.


We are in a very fresh relationship, since 3 months only, and we have just started to learn each other and make the things work with the limitations on both sides. I have posted here few times already, so, if you had a chance to go through the discussions I initiated, you would clearly see that it is completely new world for me (and for him as well) and I’m trying my best to find the way in it....


I feel sometimes completely silly asking questions as I would be immature, inexperienced teenager, first time in relationship....but yes, this is somehow my reality right now. I learn every day about him and relationship with him, trying to build, somehow stable, ground for both of us, and this is already very challenging. With this whole lockdown, it is even more difficult.


I may sound like a very patient and calm person, but that’s only because I “force” myself to distanced and cold-blooded reactions, otherwise I would get insane. And sometimes I’m just tired and demotivated....It’s really difficult not to know how to react, to judge what can help and what can cause opposite (and completely not intended) effect. All the well-known and safe patterns I’ve followed all my life (e.g. to approach immediately the person you care about if you know he is not good and take care of him) suddenly became a blank page. Sometimes, and this week is perfect example, I’m just afraid to move in any direction. It’s tough not to know which direction is the right one, almost all the time.


It is still very difficult for me not to take personally when he is distancing himself because of his “dark mood” or shutdown. It is also somehow painful knowing that his friends (he is meeting during this time as his safe “routine”) can help him more being there for him, than me....and I’m not jealous, to make it clear, I’m happy he is not alone during this difficult time, but it makes me deeply upset feeling so hopeless and knowing that my presence would be difficult for him, instead of the opposite.


I have never experienced him shutting down before the lockdown, so it was something I wasn’t prepared for at all. When he wrote me that he is still going to work, despite nobody being there, it really opened my eyes...and still, I think, I’m far away from understanding how he feels...


Do you think that him writing “I take it easy, will just change the gym to running and everything will be ok”, “I don’t care about the whole situation” is really honest, or is it just his defence system? Is he just trying not to show me, how difficult this situation is for him? Or maybe he is actually capable of adjusting so fast? I don’t know....I hope he is.


I think it would have to take a lot to make him “explode” to the external word (to have meltdown), as he is extremely calm and balanced person. I experienced him raising up his voice in different situations, but it was nothing extraordinary (maybe a bit over the top, which I told him directly). But here again, I may be wrong, maybe there were other people that have experienced this part of him.


He is not drinking coffee at all, neither alcohol, and actually living pretty heathy life (in contrast to me, as I could drink easily 5-6 coffees per day), so there is nothing he could limit there.


Take care of yourself as well, you sound like a great person. And thank you once again for “our talk”.

 

[Lena_131309]

I (NT) am in a relationship with Aspie boyfriend since 4 months. We are both working full time so, before the quarantine, we were usually seeing each other once per week (usually on the weekend). The whole lockdown had a very strong influence on him (he even admitted that it “hit him very hard”) and I can still see that he is struggling very much with his routine change, lack of the possibility to go to work, and do anything that was very strongly incorporated in his routine (meeting with friends, going to the gym, watching movies in cinema).

On the first weekend of the quarantine (we are in week 6 now) he went to his parents’ place (3h drive from our location) as he said that “he needs to charge his batteries”. He spent there few days and came back in much better mood. He immediately asked if we could see each other the following weekend, which we did and it was really great time. Next weekend he went again to his parents place (it was Easter) and the same pattern repeated the next weekend (he invited me to his place where we spent really nice time).

I expected him to go to his parents this weekend as well, but he said that he will not travel to them this time. So I asked him (as I thought he should not feel like he is always the one proposing our dates) if he needs alone time or if we could see each other otherwise. He replied that this weekend he needs his alone time as he started his „yearly cleaning“ - sorting out stuff in his apartment to get rid of the things he has collected over the last few years. He said (with smiley face) that he wants to keep the motivation to do that. I replied “sure ” to make him feel that I’m cool about it (oh, I wish I would be!)....but, I feel really sad now. I know, it’s “normal” for Aspie partners, I should not take it personally, he is overwhelmed with the quarantine, he is focused on finishing the cleaning task he has started....but it’s difficult. My mind is immediately spinning in the negative thoughts area and I can’t help it...

It is difficult to know that he chooses to clean his stuff over seeing me and spending time with me....please tell me how you deal with that kind of feelings? Can you get used to them? I’m really struggling with that. I consider myself as strong and self-confident woman, but this constant uncertainty makes me feel less and less comfortable. We are in a fresh relationship and otherwise than that he is very lovely, showing me how much he cares and tries to meet my expectations constantly, and there is really nothing that would suggest that he is loosing interests in me, but then situation like that happens and I’m loosing my ground completely. I’m not sure if I can deal with such a rollercoaster....

 

[Alexej]

Hi @Lena_131309
Speaking as the ND male I would suggest that what he is doing has to do with his need to focus on the task of tidying. In his mind there is not a consideration that you might be wanting to be with him and that you would really like that. His focus is more single minded, and we are often blissfully unaware of the implications of our behaviour on those around us, and how what we do or say affects you emotionally (it just does not come into our thinking - occur to us to look at it from that angle).

Your reaction is very understandable - would it be possible for you to suggest meeting up at his place and you help him with his sorting (by being a gofor? [gofor - the one who goes for something]). remember what you said

he is very lovely, showing me how much he cares and tries to meet my expectations constantly

 

[Lena_131309]

Hi @Lena_131309
Speaking as the ND male I would suggest that what he is doing has to do with his need to focus on the task of tidying. In his mind there is not a consideration that you might be wanting to be with him and that you would really like that. His focus is more single minded, and we are often blissfully unaware of the implications of our behaviour on those around us, and how what we do or say affects you emotionally (it just does not come into our thinking - occur to us to look at it from that angle).

Your reaction is very understandable - would it be possible for you to suggest meeting up at his place and you help him with his sorting (by being a gofor? [gofor - the one who goes for something]). remember what you said

Hi Alexej

thank you very much for your answer. Yesterday he wrote me that he wanted to do this “big sorting thing” and I actually asked him “So would you prefer some time alone this weekend to finish it or would you find some time to watch a movie”, and his reply was “This weekend I need some alone time...I will try to use the motivation to sort out incredible amount of stuff I’ve collected here over the last few years”. So I assumed it would be very busy task and not proposed anything else. He told me one week ago that this whole quarantine makes him feel like he has no goal, so I guess this huge cleaning stuff is supposed to help him with setting up that kind of goals...to keep him going. I don’t know, maybe I’m overthinking this whole situation and he just wanted to charge his batteries. Maybe I should not take it personally, he is probably not even aware that the whole situation made me upset.

 

[Aspychata]

Exactly- l think you are finally getting this. He probably has no idea you were in a funk because of how he felt. I think we have to watch for co-dependency. He has functioned in his life for sometime without you. I don't mean to be harsh. But maybe don't over-analyse so much. Take care of yourself too. Sometimes stepping out of ourselves helps us deal with stress but the other person may not welcome it. Hope you are doing well and l thank you for bringing these issues to discuss because they are extremely pertinent during this quarantine.

 

[Lena_131309]

Exactly- l think you are finally getting this. He probably has no idea you were in a funk because of how he felt. I think we have to watch for co-dependency. He has functioned in his life for sometime without you. I don't mean to be harsh. But maybe don't over-analyse so much. Take care of yourself too. Sometimes stepping out of ourselves helps us deal with stress but the other person may not welcome it. Hope you are doing well and l thank you for bringing these issues to discuss because they are extremely pertinent during this quarantine.

Hi Aspychata, thank you very much for you honest feedback and yes, I think I finally get something, still, there is a lot I still don’t get at all ;-)

I don’t consider myself as dependent on him, I just got used to “our” routine (=our meetings) very much...Due to the fact that I see him every few days only, I don’t really know how he is dealing with the whole lockdown situation during the week. He told me few times that it’s very difficult for him, I know that this week’s visit in the city made him feel “really down” as well, so I assume it was not the best proposal from my side to spend nice, chill out evening together....I guess I should actually appreciate that he was so open with me stating that he needs his alone time, rather than to overthink the whole situation....but that’s something I still need to learn. Thanks for your reply once again and hope you are fine as well!

 

[Aspychata]

Hi Aspychata, thank you very much for you honest feedback and yes, I think I finally get something, still, there is a lot I still don’t get at all ;-)

I don’t consider myself as dependent on him, I just got used to “our” routine (=our meetings) very much...Due to the fact that I see him every few days only, I don’t really know how he is dealing with the whole lockdown situation during the week. He told me few times that it’s very difficult for him, I know that this week’s visit in the city made him feel “really down” as well, so I assume it was not the best proposal from my side to spend nice, chill out evening together....I guess I should actually appreciate that he was so open with me stating that he needs his alone time, rather than to overthink the whole situation....but that’s something I still need to learn. Thanks for your reply once again and hope you are fine as well!

Seeing someone every weekend and really enjoyed it. But l totally had respect their choice when they decided that was too much for their time schedule. Think l understand this.☺

 

[Lena_131309]

Seeing someone every weekend and really enjoyed it. But l totally had respect their choice when they decided that was too much for their time schedule. Think l understand this.☺

I‘m sure you understand this much better than me my brain understands that but my soul is still struggling....I will learn (I hope), just need more time.

 

[Lena_131309]

All, I just wanted to say thank you (again) for your advise how to deal with our relationship, without your help I would definitely struggle more and most probably mess something up ;-)

I have given him needed space (despite feeling a bit upset once he told me directly he needs his alone time during one of the last weekends) and it paid back. He texted me immediately on Monday and asked if he could see me the following weekend and that he did a lot of good stuff he planned over the "alone time weekend".

What is even more amazing, once we agreed we would meet on Saturday to watch a movie and have a dinner in his place, he texted me in the morning and asked, what would I say if we would extend the evening a bit and before watching a movie, make a small bbq together with his very good friend. It was the first time when he proposed that I could meet his friends and that that he would be happy if they could get to know me...I do not want to get overexcited about it, but it felt really nice when he asked that i think it is a huge step for him and I am really happy that I gave him all needed space to get there.

 

[Alexej]

Glad for you

 

[Lena_131309]

Glad for you

Thank you Alexej

 

[Aspychata]

Excellent news from you. Really excited. Think we as woman expect quick turn around on everything, but men don't always move quickly on things. If you just chill and let things perculate, he will value you a lot more. Maybe you should look for a bottle of chill pills. Those are excellent for the days you get impatient. Lol.

 

[Rasputin]

I knew conflicts will come and we will have to face them at some point, but it appears that we are both not prepared for it. This is our first conflict (3 months relationship / me, NT and my AS partner) and we simply got stuck and it seems we both don't know how to approach it.

We are located in Germany, where, due to the coronavirus lockdown, since 1 week, any social interaction is very limited. I am working from home and not seeing anyone from the "outside" world. I know that the situation is very difficult for him so I gave him all the necessary space (as advised by you here, for what I am really grateful for), not reaching out to him for the last 2 days. Yesterday, he wrote to me, asking how I feel and if everything is fine, and then we "talked" for the next few hours, mostly planning what we are going to do when we meet next time. It was very pleasant conversation and we were laughing and joking a lot...So, encouraged by that, I asked him, when does he have time during this weekend and his response was...."Oh, on Friday I am meeting friend A to cook something (they always do it during the weekend) and on Saturday I am meeting my sister, I am sorry, I didn't expect you would have time during this weekend because of the cv situation....". I am puzzled...it’s a bit of grotesque, I’m asking AS guy to ask direct questions instead of making assumptions...It’s the first time when I reacted so direct with him.

I know he didn't do that in purpose and it was not his intention to make me feel upset, but why he didn't simply ask me, if I want to see him during this, difficult for all of us, time. I didn't reply anything at first, but then I wrote him "I do not understand, you could have simply asked me, instead of making assumptions". He hasn't replied to that yet, and I am not sure if he understood, how upset I am because of that.

I don't know how to solve that. I do not feel like I did anything wrong, maybe he thinks the same, so we are basically stuck here and nobody wants to step in....what shall I do?

I might be able to help, since I have many times done things like this to frustrate my wife. Your AS partner will likely not hold any grudges against you. Instead he will feel unsure of himself, and wonder if he caused irreparable harm to the relationship.

Show that you do not hold a grudge, by doing something nice for him. He will feel relieved, and maybe things will get better.

 

[Lena_131309]

Excellent news from you. Really excited. Think we as woman expect quick turn around on everything, but men don't always move quickly on things. If you just chill and let things perculate, he will value you a lot more. Maybe you should look for a bottle of chill pills. Those are excellent for the days you get impatient. Lol.

Thank you very much Aspychata! I would probably need full container of those pills ;-)

 

[Lena_131309]

I might be able to help, since I have many times done things like this to frustrate my wife. Your AS partner will likely not hold any grudges against you. Instead he will feel unsure of himself, and wonder if he caused irreparable harm to the relationship.

Show that you do not hold a grudge, by doing something nice for him. He will feel relieved, and maybe things will get better.

Thank you very much for your answer Rasputin We are getting there and our communication is more and more open. We met last weekend for a very nice bbq with our friends and after spent great evening / night watching movies. He is getting more and more confident with his "relationship" behavior, even to this extend that I woke up during the night, having bad dreams, and realized that he was holding me in his arms, gently touching my face and whispering "Hey, everything is fine, I am here....". It was one of the most heart-warming experiences I've had with him.

Additionally, we had very open discussion about the time we spent together. As we are 99% of the time meeting during weekends, once one of us cannot make it due to other obligations, we land up without seeing each other for 10 or more days. I asked him if it would be possible for him to change this "routine" and, in case weekend is not possible, if we could see each other during the week. He told me that it is not really a routine for him, it is just the most convenient time in the week to have sleepless night and not have to go to work the next day and that of course, once the lockdown is out and more places are open, we could also meet any other day. And that if I want to meet him anytime I want "I just need to tell him that directly". He said that he is sometimes forgetting what we agreed or what we talked about and it would be very helpful for him if I could simply remaind him about it. He said that is never intentional of him to do that and that he is trying to improve it. I told him that it is not always easy for me to ask him to go out (during the week, as the weekend dates are 99% initiated by him) as I do not want to seem needy or pushy. He laught about it and said that he has no problem with that and I can ask him whenever I feel I want to see him. I need to work on that, as it is still very difficult for me to assume I will not apear as needy...

Anyway, we are meeting tomorrow again for a dinner and movie night with friends and I am looking forward very much to spend time with him

 

[Aspychata]

Think l need lessons from you. Lol

I also can't really ask for time but this person is busy and does truly need space. But when you said you can't ask, l felt exactly the same. It's part of my passive side in friendships. It's hard to ask for change in dynamics if you can't even define them. Then you may have no ground to ask for anything and then passivity is the other option. Like l battle with myself if it's okay to call because l ,myself is on the spectrum.