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I need some advice

C

Chronos101

Member
If you would take the time to read this and respond, I would greatly appreciate it.

So I'm a 19 year old freshman at a community college whom is currently in his second semester, nothing special. However last semester I met a certain someone and I need advice. Let me give you some backstory though.

When I was waiting for class one day in the lobby of one of my colleges buildings, this kid sits next to me a chair over. Naturally I didn't think anything of it. However next thing I know he handed me his phone and it said, "do you want to be friends" or something. I was a little nervous because this kind of thing has never happened to me before. However I wasn't going to say no because that would be mean. So I give him my number and he tells me he has a condition called vocal paralysis which prevents him from talking which is why he was using his phone to talk to me. So we text. He starts asking me a bunch of questions about myself but then things take a different turn. Next thing I know he is asking me a bunch of strange questions like what do I think about hypnosis, and If I can follow his finger movement with my eyes until he snaps and finally if he could stare at me when I take of my glasses and close my eyes. After these questions I left and went to my class and I'm not going to lie to you guys, I felt completely freaked out, I've never dealt with this before,felt really uncomfortable and just wanted to get out of this situation completely.

Later that day after class, I went into the library to do some homework and he texts me and tells me that I looked freaked out earlier that day. I don't remember how I responded to that but I think I lied and told him that I wasn't. Next thing I know he finds me in the library and asks if he can sit next to me and I say yes because I don't want to be mean to him. He starts asking me other strange things and I get more and more uncomfortable. Finally he asks me if he could smell my neck. I became terrified and just flat out told him no. I said that out loud in the quiet of the library where other people were working, so I guess I made a little scene. He gets a worried look on his face. grabs my phone and deletes our texting conversation and then walks away leaving me freaked out. He texts me later and says that I looked scared when we last met, which he was right in thinking. I told him I was uncomfortable and that it's not a good idea to ask these questions to people he just met because they are bound to make people uncomfortable. He apologizes but his odd requests don't end there.

Now over the course of the past few months he has done and asked me very odd things. He's asked to hypnotize me (I didn't allow this), close my eyes while he stares at me for a few seconds (I do this for him) and he asks to smell me numerous times. One time he smelled me while I was closing my eyes for him, keep in mind that I never agreed to him smelling me. This scared me even more. Sometimes when I told him that I didn't want to do these things he gets angry at me and constantly tells me reconsider and cross my boundaries. One time he told me to suck it up and do what he says in regards to me closing my eyes. I blew up at him and told him I wasn't. He also facetimes me when I don't want him to sometimes. Spams my text inbox when I don't immediately answer him and other seemingly clingy things. I can't explain everything he's done or we'll be here for days.

What does this have to do with Autism and or aspergers? Well one time he told me he was born 27 weeks premature. I was shocked and immediately went to google to see if there were any complications to being born this early. Sure enough I found out that people born this early are at an high risk of developing autism and or aspergers. I had felt that he has one of these for the longest time and heres some pretty compelling evidence supporting it. I'm no psychologist but I've looked at the symptoms of these things and there are parallels. He has repetitive mannerisms in relations to him texting and his odd requests such as him asking me to close my eyes before him. He has trouble recognizing what's socially acceptable as well. I think it's very possible he has one of these conditions although I don't have 100 percent conformation on that.

Eventually I got tired of having to deal with all of his requests and odd behaviors and I straight up blocked his number a few days ago without giving him any warning. This was not easy to do by any means because even though he made me feel very uncomfortable, I really felt for him and wish him the best. It must be so hard to try and meet new people given his vocal issues, I feel really sad for him. These past few days I have been wracked with guilt and I feel like a ****** person for blocking someone with likely issues beyond his control for the most part. Let alone with no warning. Never mind the fact that he held me in high regard as his close friend. I started looking up some of the issues that autistic people face in regards to social situations and I felt even more terrible. I want you to know that this is all very painful for me to write, my stomach is in knots as I write some of this. Earlier this night I unblocked him and sent him a message just saying hi because I believed I jumped the gun. I'm in conflict with my heart which tells me to keep being his friend and my head which tells me to avoid these very uncomfortable situations.

So I ask you all this. How should I handle this situation? Am I a bad person? Do you think he may be autistic or have a similar mental condition? I know some of what I said maybe deeply hurtful to some people on here and maybe asking a lot but I need to seek out advice. I don't really know where to turn. My mother is a special ed assistant at my towns high school but I'm nervous about talking about this with her. It would be hard to tell her I blocked someone with special needs who cared about me, figuring she loves the kids she works with and has always taught me to respect others. I'm afraid of her reaction. So the anonymity of the internet is an easier approach for advice, at least right now. I want to let you all know this is emotionally one of the most difficult things I've ever been through. Your advice would be deeply appreciated and I thank you for reading this far. I want to apologize if I hurt anyones feelings. I sincerely am here to learn. Thanks again.
 
My heart goes out to you.

You are not a bad person. Can I ask rhetorically why you can't say no to someone who is doing things that make you uncomfortable?

You don't have to prove you're "nice" and being nice doesn't mean not saying no. It means not being willfully cruel.

Just because we have AS doesn't mean everything is excused, even if it means some things are harder for us.

And...I would NEVER close my eyes around this person, ever. Not for any reason.

Does that help any?

EDIT: You do, however, have to make up your mind about what boundaries are. Blocking someone and then unblocking to say hi sends a mixed message that is very confusing. Block him or work with him, but decide. That is your responsibility. And nice girls/guys do say No. Firmly. If you pity him, remember that people aren't projects...if you said no, don't do that, and he's trying to "trick" you into doing things he wants, that's dishonest. In my humble opinion.
 
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Ok, taking on the second part: you didn't block someone with special needs, you blocked a person who was behaving oddly and coming into your personal space, "crowding" is what that's called, and it's not good to do that.

See this person as an adult first, not a special needs case that you "owe" something to. Friends don't treat friends the way he's treating you, and it's not obvious to me that he's showing you respect. That's as valid a story as the one you told, and it doesn't presuppose you're the villain of the piece. Frankly, his behavior when he told you to "Suck it up and do it" and the spamming facetiming etc. suggests stalking.
 
Saying no is good for him as well as you. His behavior is socially unacceptable, and the pain he feels (which you are not intentionally inflicting) will probably cause him to reflect on the actions that were unacceptable. He's not stupid, he has the capacity for change. I also have issues with friends whose behavior I don't like, but when they straight out don't want to change, I have to change my relationship with them enough that it is comfortable to me. Unless this guy asks you how he can change his manners you are doing the right thing. If I really liked someone, I would want to adapt to their personality, or schedule, or whatever, so that we could interact more. Autism doesn't take away a person's free will.
 
Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I really appreciate it.

At first I had difficulty asserting myself, that's always been one of my flaws. When he's asked to smell me and or hypnotize me I have always given him a firm no (never mind he smelled me anyway). I was more lenient with closing my eyes because it was tame in comparison to the other things albeit sill made me uncomfortable. However recently I've told him no with closing my eyes because I was reaching my breaking point. He's asked me to reconsider a bunch of times and yes once told me to suck it up. I told him I don't want to do something that is one sided and that I don't get anything out of it. He told me that I do get something out of it and hat it makes him happy and that I should like that. That is literally the equivalent of "if you loved me you would do this", and is like the biggest red flag of a manipulative person in social situations and relationships.

Also in regards to the stalking comment you made. He once said to me that he would never stalk and or kill me. He said this out of the blue to try and ease my fears that he is clingy. Needless to say it scared me because it's odd to say even if he was telling the truth.

also yes. I've told some friends about him and they all agree that it's okay to set boundaries and they wouldn't judge me if I block him, but I wanted confirmation from people who may be going through similar issues. I will think more about the boundaries things and the "people aren't projects" point you made. Because you're totally correct. Really, thanks again.
 
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"Saying no is good for him as well as you. His behavior is socially unacceptable, and the pain he feels (which you are not intentionally inflicting) will probably cause him to reflect on the actions that were unacceptable. He's not stupid, he has the capacity for change."

First off thank you.

I have thought the same. He needs to learn socially acceptable behavior. I've told him to reflect on some things and not be so pushy. However sometimes he continues to be pushy after multiple times I've told him that he is, and he apologizes. So much to the point where I feel like his apologies are forced and he only sees me as someone he could use for his odd desires. I have given him so much chances and have told him my boundaries, it's up to him if he wants to listen. I have probably given him to much, but we'll see where this goes.
 
Get away from him as soon as possible. Get a new number if you can. That is just plain weird for a person to approach you like that and have you do odd things. Your Ma would probably be shocked it went that far and worry for your safety not that you blocked someone who has a disability. I can't say how weird it is what he's doing. Just get away from him. I'm worrying about your safety and tell your Ma so someone knows what's going on.
 
WTH!!!!???? He said he would never kill you??? Are you serious? Get the hell away from him. I can't say it any more clear than that and change your number. He's a complete psycho!
 
I'm still thinking about it. For him to say he wouldn't stalk or kill you out of the blue means that he is thinking of doing those things. That is just creepy.
 
I agree with the posts above.

If someone crosses your boundaries, be very firm and clear in stating what your boundaries are. Example: "No - you can't smell me. Never smell me, try to hypnotize me, or touch my phone. It is absolutely forbidden. If you ever do any of those things to me again, I will ask you to stay away."

If he doesn't listen to you, you don't have to feel bad about getting away. You have stated your boundaries unambiguously.

At this point, it sounds like you don't know what is wrong. It might not be ASD, and even if it is, that doesn't mean that he is automatically a good person.

Chronos101 said:
He once said to me that he would never stalk and or kill me.
Click to expand...

Be careful... That is really crossing the line of what is acceptable. :eek:
 
Agree with what others have said--get away from him, and fast. It does not matter if he has ASD or not. You don't have to feel sorry for him. Having ASD doesn't mean people can do whatever they want. It is still stalking behavior (even if he hasn't reached the point of following you or finding you outside of school yet). Take whatever precautions you need to protect yourself. Be clear, be firm, and cut yourself off.

If your mother doesn't understand this and puts the supposed 'special needs' of a complete stranger before her child's safety, something is wrong.
 
Sorry to double-post, but I wanted to add that it is not just the awkwardness or the requests themselves that make me say this. It is the kind of behavior listed below--plus the fact that he was a total stranger when this began and seemed to be searching for someone to inflict this behavior on (just randomly coming up to you, a total stranger, and asking to be your "friend"), which means there is really no reason for him to care about you other than as his obsession:

"Next thing I know he finds me in the library"
(even assuming you told him you were there, which you didn't say, he couldn't wait and was there almost immediately)

"He gets a worried look on his face. grabs my phone and deletes our texting conversation and then walks away"
(he is deleting evidence, which means he knows what he did was wrong)

"He apologizes but his odd requests don't end there."
(His apology is not sincere, or his obsession is stronger, and either way...)

"Now over the course of the past few months"
(This has been going on WAY too long)

"I never agreed to him smelling me."
(Tries to do whatever he can get away with, not what you consent to)

"he gets angry at me and constantly tells me reconsider and cross my boundaries."
(manipulative)

"One time he told me to suck it up and do what he says in regards to me closing my eyes."
(manipulative. You added "He told me that I do get something out of it and hat it makes him happy and that I should like that. That is literally the equivalent of "if you loved me you would do this", and is like the biggest red flag of a manipulative person in social situations and relationships," so you know this and I can only assume he says similar things at other times to make you feel guilty even though he is the one being pushy and aggressive.)

"Spams my text inbox when I don't immediately answer him and other seemingly clingy things."
(obsessive, demanding, manipulative--hoping you will respond immediately to avoid the spam and do what he wants)

"These past few days I have been wracked with guilt and I feel like a ****** person"
"I want you to know that this is all very painful for me to write, my stomach is in knots as I write some of this."
(Somehow, and I don't know how from your story, he has made YOU feel like the one who did something wrong, when the only thing you did wrong is let him continue doing this for so long. This alone is the biggest red flag, more than any single thing he did, because it suggests whatever manipulation he is trying is actually working)

The hyponosis isn't a good sign either. Even if you haven't agreed, that says to me, he wants you to be totally in his control. That's his fantasy. If closing your eyes is the closest he can get to that--you can't see him, you are passive and under his gaze for a moment--then he will settle, but ultimately, he wants more. Perhaps he justifies this (to himself, even) as being totally harmless and not wanting to hurt you, but that doesn't matter.
 
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I am not personally on the spectrum & am so glad to see that others who are have already posted exactly what I was thinking, only saying it much better! (& GC too!)

Just to reiterate though, if I were your Mom or Aunt:

You are NOT a bad person. You sound like a very kind & caring young man, so your heart is torn. But your head is telling you to avoid these uncomfortable situations. That is your gut instinct, your intuition, looking out for YOUR best interests.

Your Mom always taught you to respect others. That was great tutelage. But you need to take care of yourself too. Hopefully she is instilling in you a sense of your own self-worth, & a reminder to require others to always respect you as well.

This young man does not get a "pass" because of possibly having been a preemie, or possibly being on the autistic spectrum or anything else. His behavior & the way he has treated you is inappropriate, disrespectful & alarming.

Specifically,

* Sometimes when I told him that I didn't want to do these things he gets angry at me and constantly tells me reconsider and cross my boundaries.

* One time he told me to suck it up and do what he says in regards to me closing my eyes.

* He also facetimes me when I don't want him to sometimes.

* Spams my text inbox when I don't immediately answer him.

* I can't explain everything he's done or we'll be here for days.

That was before I even read more of the things he has done. I too feel badly for him. But he needs to help himself. You are just a young man, attending college, & need to worry about yourself & take care of yourself.

As AspieGirl4Hire said, you need to make up your mind one way or another. Do not send mixed messages.

But if I were your Mom/Aunt, I would advise you to discontinue any friendship & steer clear of this person.
 
I had another thought. The fact that he was willing to do this to you, as a stranger, suggests to me that he is at high risk of repeating this with someone else after you get away. If you want to help others that may be in your position, and possibly get him some help, is there anyone you could report him to? Campus security? I say this as someone who went to a college with a really great security team and a student-led judicial board that you could take complaints to (sentences usually consisted of things like sexual consent workshops, etc. that were aimed at helping the offending student). I don't know your particular situation, so it may not be as easy. I understand this is difficult, but it may be the best option for all involved if he has no clue about his own behavior and would not seek help on his own.

I don't think this has reached 'police' level yet (although if he keeps trying to contact you after you cut him off, it could), and they sound like a pain to deal with, but here's a guide for that if you ever need to. (US & Canada specific)
 
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Oh like others are saying, my heart truly hurts for you!

I am an aspie and would feel EXACTLY how you are feeling; freaked out and ashamed, all in one go. I would be thinking: but I am an aspie, so how can I feel so disgusted and freaked out, by a fellow aspie? But it is like all things, we are still made up differently and his behaviour is just plain anti social and you have the right to react in the way you are.

Just because of a handicap, does not make ones above decent behaviour. As far as I know, all us aspies on here, would never behave like him!

I would try and not feel cut up about this and realise that he is the one who has the issue; certainly not you!
 
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You are all fantastic. Thank you. Okay, I'll build up the courage and try to talk to my mom. She needs to know in case he tries to pull anything. This person can't drive (suggesting he also has motor issues), so it's not like he could come to my house or follow me around by himself. Thank god.

As for him saying he would never stalk and or kill me. He has also said he would never have me undress my clothes on FaceTime. I know. it just gets weirder and weirder. He could be genuinely meaning what he's saying, it's just socially unacceptable to say and is just odd. If he said it in a joking way than maybe hats fine. But he played it straight. Imagine you've been dealing with a clingy person who asks you to do weird stuff and he tells you that he wouldn't kill and or stalk you or undress you? It's not really a reassurance, Like at all. It scares me more.

Also yes, Grumpy cat, you're right. everytime I tell one of my friends what he does,they are baffled beyond belief and they tell me to just leave him. I thought this forum would be maybe more sympathetic to him, but it's alarming that the response to people I've talked to him about is essentially unanimous.
 
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Also, royinpink, everything you have said here is something that I agree with. I'm not sure if his apologies are actually meaningful and he is trying like he claims, or his desires are simply to strong and he can't control them. Either way it's scary and maddening. I'm not even sure If he is completely aware of the morality of what he's doing. Although he does like to get what he wants without others consent secretly, which suggests he knows its wrong. He's also told me that he hides the hypnosis thing from his parents, who I've been thinking about contacting. I found them on white pages.

Also yes. He does this to other people as well on campus he has told me. He finds random guys and inundates them with strange questions and requests. All of whom he just has met so it makes him look like he's just using these people to satiate his desires. Some people have told him to stop texting them as well.

However in his mind we have started over a few days ago and he says he'll no longer ask me to do weird things. A part of me doesn't buy this at all. He definitely still wants me to comply to his desires. A few weeks ago he asked me that if he could break break me down on hypnosis, he would. I told him I couldn't and then told him that even if he could that that is not an acceptable way to treat people.
 
I concur with others. Wanted to add one observation. The neck sniffing thing is a frequent occurrence in non-human animal behavior, because the neck is one locus where pheromones are detectable. Animals use this behavior to detect others' identity (for instance a mother can identify her offspring) or to determine whether another animal is a suitable mate, or in same-gendered animals it is a display of dominance, with the dominant animal doing the sniffing. There is something very clear being communicated here. You are right to be wary.
 
Chronos101 said:
Also, royinpink, everything you have said here is something that I agree with. I'm not sure if his apologies are actually meaningful and he is trying like he claims, or his desires are simply to strong and he can't control them. Either way it's scary and maddening. I'm not even sure If he is completely aware of the morality of what he's doing. Although he does like to get what he wants without others consent secretly, which suggests he knows its wrong. He's also told me that he hides the hypnosis thing from his parents, who I've been thinking about contacting. I found them on white pages.

Also yes. He does this to other people as well on campus he has told me. He finds random guys and inundates them with strange questions and requests. All of whom he just has met so it makes him look like he's just using these people to satiate his desires. Some people have told him to stop texting them as well.

However in his mind we have started over a few days ago and he says he'll no longer ask me to do weird things. A part of me doesn't buy this at all. He definitely still wants me to comply to his desires. A few weeks ago he asked me that if he could break break me down on hypnosis, he would. I told him I couldn't and then told him that even if he could that that is not an acceptable way to treat people.
Click to expand...
There is one important thing I want to add: When you need to address behavior like this by cutting someone off entirely, and they are being manipulative or you find yourself having guilt/doubts, it is PERFECTLY OKAY not to tell them. You have NO obligations to him whatsoever. He is NOT your friend, and you are not his. Telling them gives them an opportunity to respond, which is something you don't need right now.

If you do tell him that you do not want him to contact you ever again (which can be a good idea for legal proof that you communicated clearly that this was unwanted attention), don't explain yourself (to avoid getting into a debate), and do block him immediately afterward. I would say, no second chances for this guy. He's had enough.
 
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I wouldn't hang around the same places at school either where he knows he can find you. You need to watch your back for awhile cause he could sneak up on you and do anything. I want you scared so you remain on your guard. Unfortunately, this went on way too long and he knows too much about you and you don't know what he is capable of. Your Ma needs to know in case the police have to get involved. And keep all the texts you have on your phone.

I still remember someone that was on this site once who talked freely about wanting to use hypnosis on women to be able to totally control them. He openly admitted he was a sociopath and related a lot to serial killers and could totally see himself doing those things. He gave me the freaking creeps! This guy sounds totally similar to a sociopath or a psychopath - I'm not totally up on the difference. Just tell your Ma and don't be afraid to call the police if you have to. If you were my kid I'd probably have you carry a stun gun of some sort for a while, but do whatever your Ma is comfortable with. And have your phone on you at all times with the charger. Don't stay at school longer than you have to. Home is probably best with the doors locked. I can't stress to you enough how weird he is. None of what he has done is normal at all.
 
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