I need some help understanding this

[S-Head]

I'm not trying to be argumentative for the sake of it, but I genuinely fail to see how he has lied.
He never said that the mother was not coming, and then OP found out that the mother had been there.
He's not saying he doesn't want to be with her.
He did express a desire to do things as he sees fit, and while expressing it in an angry manner isn't optimal, at least he... he was open about it?

Yes I may sound a bit harsh.

However, my point is more like: it sounds like he conveniently avoided telling the whole truth... and if there's anyone that you must tell the whole truth to, it's your partner.
<< feeling pretty emotional right now, having said that. >>

 

[Katleya]

I see your point in needing to tell the truth to your partner. At the same time, convenience calls for intent.
Is it really intent in the case that person A doesn't see how info X could be useful to person B (who is actually dying to have info X, but because they're on different wavelengths, that message gets lost in translation between them)?

(I'm sorry I can't help but jump on the occasion of sparring with you, it's like a scientific urge to confront views in hopes of finding ways to better communicate)

 

[S-Head]

He may not even know that he had intent, and may deny it, both of which were the case with me. I owe it to my wife for figuring this out and persevering until I admitted it.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to debate this too much either. The OP's situation is unique and may or may not be the same as others'. Kyn sounds like she reads carefully and considers all of our replies.

 

[Thursday]

- He could be worried about the state of mind he will be in, i.e. preferring not to see you if he isn't emotionally available and possibly drained from the work function, because it might result in unnecessary conflict. I know I'd rather not to see my boyfriend if I'm anticipating that I might end up in the possible-meltdown-zone, because everything might be just fine... or it could very well be hell, and I don't want that for either one of us. Maybe this is a stressful trip for him? You mentioned arts, will the trip involve meeting with many people?
- The conditions of the trip might make him feel that it's not an ideal setting, and that you're worthy of more than what he could offer during those few hours. How can I put it? Kind of like, if you can't do it something well, then it's best not to do it at all.

As for me, while I love both my mother & boyfriend to death (in different ways, of course), if I were asked who I want with me on a "trip to the unknown" with possible ramifications to my future, I'd choose my mother in a heartbeat because no matter how messy things get, and how miserable/angry I might get (especially in case a meltdown or shutdown occurs), I don't feel the need to convince my mother I'm worth being loved. Being with my boyfriend, even for a few hours, in a situation like that? Additional stress, because I still don't want to show the weaker, uglier sides of me, even after over a decade together.

I came here to post something similar but I couldn't have said this better myself!

@Kyn
Perhaps your boyfriend's mom already knows how to deal with his aspie tendencies and he sees her as a person who can assist him during a very social, stressful time -- as in, someone to help him, maybe socialize on his behalf or deal with people when he's had enough.

Since you have yet to see him in that situation, worrying about how to explain/adjust his behavior while you're there might be a little intimidating for him at the moment.

On that note, are you open to dealing with a similar situation in the future? You might want to consider if his tendency to compartmentalize is something you're okay with in the long run. As an autist with a husband who's also on the spectrum, I can say that there's a good chance that your guy's behavior is here to stay. It may lessen to a degree as you talk about it, but it'll be there, specially if he's feeling particularly stressed.

 

[Ambi]

So, I joined AC several months ago in hopes of finding some insights that might benefit my relationship (which I have for sure). I am a mostly NT (I have some tendencies towards the spectrum, and some other quirks and oddities, but that's it), dating an aspie. We have been together for 6 years, and normally I am able to figure out why he does and says some of the things that he does that don't make sense to me. Our relationship is unconventional and most of my NT friends and family don't get it or approve, but we make it work. Right now, though, I am having a hard time understanding where he is coming from and I am hoping that you guys can help me out.

The current situation is thus: we have been apart for a year now, due to him moving to the east coast (of the US) from California for a job opportunity. We were able to spend time together over Christmas, but that has been all. It has been unpleasant and difficult, but we have hung in there. I do not have the funds to move out there on my own, and was just denied disability (for physical limitations), which I was hoping would make the move possible. I am continuing to fight for that as well as exploring other avenues. We are both sick of the long distance relationship thing.

Recently, he was invited to come to Los Angeles for a unique opportunity relating to his love of art. I was hopeful that perhaps I would get to see him, as he will only a couple hours away. However, much to my confusion, disappointment, and distress, he does not seem to want to see me at all even though I volunteered to drive to meet him. He tends to prefer to keep different aspects of his life separate, and so when he said that he was going to treat this as a business, not pleasure, trip and did not want to visit anyone, I figured was the reason. Now, though, I learn that his mom will be spending the whole 4 days that he will be here with him, and they have all sorts of plans.

I really don't know how to take this. I don't know any other man in his 40s that would rather share a hotel room and weekend with his mom than his girlfriend. Especially when he hasn't seen me in over 6 months. I don't know what to think.

I would draw the reasonable conclusion that he is ready to end the relationship, except that he has been especially affectionate over the phone lately. Not with silly, sappy words (he doesn't do that), but by talking about the future together, expressing that he wishes that I was there with him, and saying how he can't wait for me to move there, etc. The two things together are incompatible to me. He misses us being together, but now that there is an opportunity to see each other, he does not want to see me. It is just of no importance to him.

How is that even possible? I feel like I am really missing something here. I don't want to be un-understanding or unsupportive, but I really just don't get it.

I don't think it's a reasonable conclusion at all for you to draw that he is ready to end the relationship - that is pure speculation, especially since he is affectionate over the phone. Unless if you ask him that and he says, yes, he wants to end the relationship, there is no reason to conclude that. He already gave you his reasons, you can't get more insight from a forum full of strangers. I don't say that to be mean - but I see a lot of people come on here trying to guess what their significant other is really thinking, but we can't tell you that, of course, you really can only go by what they are saying and doing. In this case, he specifically told you why he didn't want to see you. If I found out he was seeing his mother instead, what I would conclude as an Aspie is that his relationship with his mother is very different from his relationship with you. For one thing, she might be much less understanding of him not wanting to spend time with her, it might be too much strain on that relationship for him to be able to tell her what he told you. The other possibility is simply that the energy it takes for him to see his mother may be less than draining/divergent than the energy it takes for him to see you while also trying to focus on work. He may have decided he needed to juggle it this way. I would consider all of those very realistic possibilities before jumping to a conclusion that he hasn't hinted at at all. If you have the slightest worry/doubt about it (which I DO totally understand and find reasonable), I think you need to ask him - but definitely don't draw any conclusions without doing that. Good luck, I hope he is better able to explain your concerns and address how you feel (which is totally reasonable, too!).

 

[Ambi]

If you haven't already, I'd pay explicit attention to the words being said rather than the emotion behind the words.

I personally don't respond to emotional signals, implications, or sarcasm, which means I take words quite literally. For example, when someone tells me to come over soon, in a few minutes, or a little bit, I panic because they didn't provide a definitive time. What if I come over before they're ready because I understand 'soon' differently than they do. What if I'm late because I tried to match what I thought they meant, but in reality I was completely wrong and it was earlier. This sends me into a spiral. I can't think of any relationship specific examples right now (due to the lack there-of and my horrible memory) but I remember struggling when I used to try to date because of these communication differences.

In addition to what GoldenWanderer said, I would also note that tone/volume of voice can be different with Aspies. At least, I know when I am trying to explain something, or I just feel strongly about something, I can get really loud, apparently. I don't even notice it. My husband said it just took him to a while to realize that though it sounded like I was "going nuclear", I wasn't. So that can make me sound more angry and combative than I really intend to be - it's especially when I am just trying to explain something :-/

 

[Bolletje]

In addition to what GoldenWanderer said, I would also note that tone/volume of voice can be different with Aspies. At least, I know when I am trying to explain something, or I just feel strongly about something, I can get really loud, apparently. I don't even notice it. My husband said it just took him to a while to realize that though it sounded like I was "going nuclear", I wasn't. So that can make me sound more angry and combative than I really intend to be - it's especially when I am just trying to explain something :-/

This. So much. When I'm trying to explain something to my boyfriend, apparently I start talking louder, faster and with a higher pitch, not unlike when I'm angry. I never noticed this until I notice how often he attempts to calm me down when I'm not even agitated.

 

[Katleya]

This. So much. When I'm trying to explain something to my boyfriend, apparently I start talking louder, faster and with a higher pitch, not unlike when I'm angry. I never noticed this until I notice how often he attempts to calm me down when I'm not even agitated.

And this, too.
I come with 2 settings: "controlled tone", for stating informative facts, and "loud without a filter" for expressing how I feel, which is often amplified by the fact that I feel very strongly but can't find the words to express it. It never helps to tell me to tone it down or to calm down, because I'm convinced that I don't need to calm down in the first place.

 

[Kyn]

You guys are absolutely great. I have a lot to consider right now and your insights are all greatly appreciated.

When he first told me that he thought he might have Aspergers (he doesn't have an official diagnosis, but I am confident that he would pass the test with flying colors!), it changed everything. We had been together for about a year and I was on the verge of breaking it off because I just could not understand some of the things he would do and say, or not do and say. Since then, I have done a lot of reading and researching about ASD in general and it has been incredible to learn how his brain works differently from mine. Reading your comments has been even more helpful yet.

I never like to give relationship advice too much, because I hate the idea that I might be interfering with something so personal.
So I'll just throw in a couple of possible perspectives, based on my own personal experience (although I'm an Aspie female in her 30s), that maybe could prepare you for when you manage to talk with your boyfriend:

- Maybe he sees a few hours together as different than being together, in a very compartmentalized kind of way. I know I would.
- He could think it's not practical for you to drive several hours to see him just a little bit (especially if the time spent together ends up shorter than the total driving time. I know that's something I always computed in dates with my boyfriend, and if the time together was inferior, then we'd have had to reschedule, but I've never explicitly explained this to him).
- He could be worried about the state of mind he will be in, i.e. preferring not to see you if he isn't emotionally available and possibly drained from the work function, because it might result in unnecessary conflict. I know I'd rather not to see my boyfriend if I'm anticipating that I might end up in the possible-meltdown-zone, because everything might be just fine... or it could very well be hell, and I don't want that for either one of us. Maybe this is a stressful trip for him? You mentioned arts, will the trip involve meeting with many people?
- The conditions of the trip might make him feel that it's not an ideal setting, and that you're worthy of more than what he could offer during those few hours. How can I put it? Kind of like, if you can't do it something well, then it's best not to do it at all.

As for me, while I love both my mother & boyfriend to death (in different ways, of course), if I were asked who I want with me on a "trip to the unknown" with possible ramifications to my future, I'd choose my mother in a heartbeat because no matter how messy things get, and how miserable/angry I might get (especially in case a meltdown or shutdown occurs), I don't feel the need to convince my mother I'm worth being loved. Being with my boyfriend, even for a few hours, in a situation like that? Additional stress, because I still don't want to show the weaker, uglier sides of me, even after over a decade together.

But you're not dating me, so these possibilities may or may not explain the situation with your boyfriend, and only a non-threatening conversation, with clear questions, devoid of implicit meaning, can help.

THIS! Everything you said here makes utter sense in the context of our relationship. I can definitely see these being things that he would think/do. Of course, I must and will still talk to him to make sure I am not jumping to conclusions but... yeah. All of this sounds very much like him. Thank you for articulating to me!

I hate to be negative, but... call it like it is: he lied to you.

That's a big deal. Been there, have done it. If he doesn't own up to it now, he will need to own up to it when he does it next time. There WILL be a next time, until he owns up to the fact that this is lying to you. It took me a lot to own up to it.

Yes and no. He originally told me that he didn't want to see his mom either, which may have been a lie. It also just may be that she pushed her way into the situation and he didn't know how to tell her no, which would be right up her alley. I never push because I know it doesn't work and he hates it. She pushes the issue like it's one of those workout dummies they use in football practice, no matter what the issue is.

However, my point is more like: it sounds like he conveniently avoided telling the whole truth... and if there's anyone that you must tell the whole truth to, it's your partner.

That is definitely possible, and I totally agree.

I see your point in needing to tell the truth to your partner. At the same time, convenience calls for intent.
Is it really intent in the case that person A doesn't see how info X could be useful to person B (who is actually dying to have info X, but because they're on different wavelengths, that message gets lost in translation between them)?

I can totally see both sides there, and again, it sounds just like us!

Perhaps your boyfriend's mom already knows how to deal with his aspie tendencies and he sees her as a person who can assist him during a very social, stressful time -- as in, someone to help him, maybe socialize on his behalf or deal with people when he's had enough.

Since you have yet to see him in that situation, worrying about how to explain/adjust his behavior while you're there might be a little intimidating for him at the moment.

She doesn't seem to know how to deal with him at all- nor will she admit or even entertain the thought that he might be something other than NT. How that is, I don't know. I find it very unfair of her. All the same, it definitely makes sense that he would feel more comfortable with her simply because he doesn't feel like he needs to explain anything to her. I have been with him on other occasions similar to this one and was able to help him with the social aspects. Again, though, I can see how he would be more comfortable with his mom as a fall back. I don't really like that, but that's my own attitude that needs to be checked.

On that note, are you open to dealing with a similar situation in the future? You might want to consider if his tendency to compartmentalize is something you're okay with in the long run. As an autist with a husband who's also on the spectrum, I can say that there's a good chance that your guy's behavior is here to stay. It may lessen to a degree as you talk about it, but it'll be there, specially if he's feeling particularly stressed.

Therein lies the rub. My automatic response would be Yes, I knew what I was getting into when he first told me that he was an aspie and I started researching what that meant. I love him and am willing to deal with the differences and (what to me are odd) behaviors. However, my response to the current situation tells me that I need to take a harder look at myself, our relationship, and what I am able to deal with. I know that the behaviors he has are here to stay. I don't have delusions of changing that, nor would I really want to. He is who he is.

I don't think it's a reasonable conclusion at all for you to draw that he is ready to end the relationship - that is pure speculation, especially since he is affectionate over the phone. Unless if you ask him that and he says, yes, he wants to end the relationship, there is no reason to conclude that.

The "reasonable conclusion" that I spoke of was applicable if he was an NT, which I know and accept that he is not. With another NT (and every NT I know agrees), this sort of thing would be classic passive-aggressive break-up behavior. With him, I know that it is not that, but am confused as to what, precisely, it actually is.

He already gave you his reasons, you can't get more insight from a forum full of strangers.

I may not get more insight as to what he is specifically thinking in this instance, but hearing other people who have the same way of thinking give their takes on the situation has been very helpful for my ability to have an open mind about it. For the most part, I can take the things that he says that would be, from an NT, considered incredibly rude and insensitive, or just plain weird and socially wrong, and look at them from his point of view. This time, I was having a real problem doing that. He may have given me his reasons, but they made no more sense to me than my reaction to them made to him. Hearing other opinions and possible explanations has actually been quite helpful.

All in all, this has been very eye-opening, informative, and definitely helpful to me. I appreciate it more than I can possibly articulate. Then again, I think that most of the people here probably understand how that feels.

We shall have to see how the situation unfolds. This isn't something that has already happened, it is a current event. He flew into LA just this morning and is at his event as we speak. Just reading these responses is helping me to be a bit more supportive in the present, as opposed to just wrapped up in being upset.

 

[ezcare]

While she was away I enjoyed my time alone. Now I enjoy my time with her. Sometimes I like to be alone. Maybe he's stuck in the "alone" mode and just needs to switch back to the "relationship" mode. That's sorta how my mind works anyway.

The Aspie mind--especially the male Aspie mind--seems to operate like a digital program. When one circuit opens another must close. For those who advised "confrontation" please add a caveat. If the Aspie in question was able to comprehend the problem with his decision to spend the 4 days with his Mom, I doubt he would have gone in that direction. Because he saw no problem with it and expressed his boundaries for this trip as "business" + "family" does not mean he wants to end the relationship with you. It simply means he was operating on a different circuit. Confronting him will disrupt that circuit and may crash the program.

 

[JamesBon92007]

Kyn: Fairly recently my girlfriend expressed that she would like to hear the "three little words that means so much" more often. I told her I love her three years ago. In my mind nothing has changed so this still holds true unless I say otherwise so why would I keep telling her the same thing? Now I carefully pick a time to say "I love you." We can be taught! At least some of us. She needed to tell me what she expected from me in a way that I could grasp.

 

[Kyn]

The Aspie mind--especially the male Aspie mind--seems to operate like a digital program. When one circuit opens another must close. For those who advised "confrontation" please add a caveat. If the Aspie in question was able to comprehend the problem with his decision to spend the 4 days with his Mom, I doubt he would have gone in that direction. Because he saw no problem with it and expressed his boundaries for this trip as "business" + "family" does not mean he wants to end the relationship with you. It simply means he was operating on a different circuit. Confronting him will disrupt that circuit and may crash the program.

Ha! That does make sense, and I will keep that in mind when I speak to him, and do it gently. Very gently. I certainly don't want the program to crash. It might be a little tempermental at times, but it's the best program I have found for what I need and want!

Kyn: Fairly recently my girlfriend expressed that she would like to hear the "three little words that means so much" more often. I told her I love her three years ago. In my mind nothing has changed so this still holds true unless I say otherwise so why would I keep telling her the same thing? Now I carefully pick a time to say "I love you." We can be taught! At least some of us. She needed to tell me what she expected from me in a way that I could grasp.

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Now that sounds familiar! I can totally identify with your girlfriend, although it hasn't been quite that long since I've been blessed with that little phrase. A question for you: does it bother/annoy/disrupt you when she says "I love you" to you? With my boyfriend, I say it frequently, and he usually responds politely, "thank you." I am never quite sure if there is something I am supposed to be reading into that (I know that's seldom the case with aspies, but it has happened with him before. He drops what he thinks are hints, I think because he knows that is a common NT thing to do, but he fails miserably and the result is usually upsetting at best, and meltdown-inducing at worst) or if he simply appreciates the gesture and that's all there is to it.

 

[GoldenWanderer]

You may try reading the book, behind locked doors, by Paul louden, I believe. It helped me initially understand a lot about my own life. The author has a remarkably effective way of explaining what those on the ASD spectrum experience day to day. Might be worth the read.

 

[ezcare]

In my mind nothing has changed so this still holds true unless I say otherwise

If we wanted to catalog a list of unique Aspie thought patterns, this would make the top 10!
My brain uses a process I call "reconciling" Whenever I hear a new statement about something I automatically begin running it against every detail I have stored from past conversations or news reports. If the new information does not conflict with the old information then it reconciles. If there is a conflict, that new detail may play in my subconscious for days, weeks or months until it finally reconciles.
As you can imagine, my poor brain has been spinning 24/7 trying to reconcile the information being put out by our Politicians in Washington. Must say it has not been this bad since the days of Richard Nixon and the Vietnam War ;-((

 

[JamesBon92007]

A question for you: does it bother/annoy/disrupt you when she says "I love you" to you? With my boyfriend, I say it frequently, and he usually responds politely, "thank you." I am never quite sure if there is something I am supposed to be reading into that (I know that's seldom the case with aspies, but it has happened with him before. He drops what he thinks are hints, I think because he knows that is a common NT thing to do, but he fails miserably and the result is usually upsetting at best, and meltdown-inducing at worst) or if he simply appreciates the gesture and that's all there is to it.

This is a tough one. Putting these things into words is very new for me.

Part I. When I say it to my girlfriend it simply means that I understand (now, because she told me) that she has a need to hear it so I say it to satisfy her need.

Part II. If she says it to me I examine the situation and try to determine if it means she wants some nookie. Usually that's what she means so I guess it's her way of telling me she is feeling romantic but she has learned that if she wants some nookie she should just say so. Generally we schedule our encounters (I realize that sounds very unromantic) and lately she has been leaving me heart-shaped notes (with a specific time) expressing her desires. Some of this is because she knows she needs to be direct with me (you might even say literal) and part is because we both seem to be so busy all the time that if we didn't set some time aside specifically for love-making it might not happen. When she leaves notes it gives me time to taper off from whatever I am involved in and start thinking about being with her plus I'll know exactly when. By the appointed time she has my complete attention and that is what she wants. The result is that we have a wonderful love life. Occasionally there will be spontaneity but that is planned on my part because she has indicated that she enjoys it. I don't tell her I planned it. I understand that there may be times when she says "I love you" and does want want to make love but I think she is learning that it's better to reserve that expression for that one specific meaning otherwise I'll end up asking her if that's what she had in mind and then the next time she says it and does want to make love it might just confuse me. She has told me such things as she likes to make love on Sunday mornings so I assume that means all Sunday mornings and plan accordingly. Other days are optional to some extent however we tend to make love on the same days of the week, every week, at about the same time. This all probably sounds horribly unromantic to a NT but she seems to be very content and aside from all of the little collisions we have she regularly expresses that she is "so happy she could explode." I think that's supposed to be a good thing.

When you say "I love you" to your boyfriend I have no idea if there is some hidden meaning he is supposed to interpret. My guess is that when he says "thank you" it might mean he is analyzing the situation but I could be completely wrong. It might be best to ask him.

That was a bit lengthier than I anticipated. Those particular Three Little Words can be complicated

To put things in perspective, it took about 29 words to explain what I mean when I say it and around 400 words to explain what I think she means when she says it.

Is it OK to say "nookie" here? I could go on about how I let her know when I'm "in the mood" but it might get censored. In any case I am very direct and there is no doubt in her mind, however I generally leave the activity planning to her because she it better at it.

 

[JamesBon92007]

You may try reading the book, behind locked doors, by Paul louden, I believe. It helped me initially understand a lot about my own life. The author has a remarkably effective way of explaining what those on the ASD spectrum experience day to day. Might be worth the read.

I would like to add to the list Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford. I thought it was very well-written and could be very helpful to the NT partner to better understand what is going on in the mind of the AS partner. What I got out of it is probably completely different from what a NT would get, but I think that makes it successful.

 

[Katleya]

Have to thank you as well, Kyn, because some of the things I wrote I had never taken the time to articulate before; I just didn't feel it was necessary to, because it was just so logical, it had to be evident for both of us.

Take what an Aspie says at face value. There usually isn't a hidden meaning or ulterior motive behind the words that were said. Well, maybe be careful with things said in anger. Like with anybody, sometimes it doesn't come out right at all -- the fact that we don't always find the right words or properly identify the emotion we're feeling doesn't help.

 

[Judge]

Now, though, I learn that his mom will be spending the whole 4 days that he will be here with him, and they have all sorts of plans.

I really don't know how to take this. I don't know any other man in his 40s that would rather share a hotel room and weekend with his mom than his girlfriend. Especially when he hasn't seen me in over 6 months. I don't know what to think.

I think you already have the answer here. That perhaps you were expecting us to come up with alternative explanations. I wish I could, but I think you already know what's happening here. I'm sorry. I just don't sense any complex neurological considerations here.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder". Not always so.

 

[Keigan]

@Kyn

I hope that things balance out for you.

I have on;y read your original post not the responses from others, and I have this to offer:

There is the remote possibility that he sees his relationship with his mother as in jeopardy, more than his relationship with you. That would be a logical conclusion IF there were something in play that has not been shared.

Tread lightly. Consider that possibly there is more going on then he is sharing - find a way to ask without being intrusive. Protect yourself

 

[Thursday]

She doesn't seem to know how to deal with him at all- nor will she admit or even entertain the thought that he might be something other than NT. How that is, I don't know. I find it very unfair of her. All the same, it definitely makes sense that he would feel more comfortable with her simply because he doesn't feel like he needs to explain anything to her. I have been with him on other occasions similar to this one and was able to help him with the social aspects. Again, though, I can see how he would be more comfortable with his mom as a fall back. I don't really like that, but that's my own attitude that needs to be checked.

Therein lies the rub. My automatic response would be Yes, I knew what I was getting into when he first told me that he was an aspie and I started researching what that meant. I love him and am willing to deal with the differences and (what to me are odd) behaviors. However, my response to the current situation tells me that I need to take a harder look at myself, our relationship, and what I am able to deal with. I know that the behaviors he has are here to stay. I don't have delusions of changing that, nor would I really want to. He is who he is.

Personally, I don't see anything wrong with your attitude. It's all right to have needs and expectations in a relationship, I mean, what relationship doesn't? Even though you are with an aspie, you can't really forego all your own wants for his sake. In the end, it's all about compatibility and adjustments from both sides.

Reading the posts here, I think you've got the right idea...be gentle with him, while at the same time being kind to yourself and considering your own preferences. Best of luck on the journey ahead.