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I Positively Detest Attending Social Gatherings but I have a Social Family

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Paleoflora

Member
They don't seem to understand even with the knowledge of how I function. Like, for instance, this upcoming weekend. They want me to go out shopping with them in a crowded mall full of people I don't know doing something that takes forever with very little productive outcome. A.k.a. Shopping. When I shop, I go in, I grab what I need and then I get out.

My father just started his musical career as a Salsa singer. His single's debut is this upcoming Saturday and it's going to be in the middle of a club full of loud, drunk people and music. I try explaining to them why I don't want to go but it's always the same response: "This is a family thing. Don't you wanna be there for your family?" Then I go and I have a panic attack.

How do others deal with this traditional family thing? Do you just not go or do you figure out a way to cope? I'm really going into a panic frenzy about this.
 
I understand completely. I use to be forced to go to family reunions of my dad's wife. I never wanted to go. I felt so out of place and anxious. One of the reason might have been I didn't know or like these people. Growing up I never liked family reunions with my own relatives. I felt out of place and would panic and get anxious in these situations. I would even sometimes break down and cry when I was little. Know I don't go to company outings (Holiday party, company pick nicks, etc.) people ask why I don't go, and I say it is just not my thing. I know this makes me seem stand offish, but I just can't handle these types of situations. I have to attend a close family wedding next summer. I am happy for the young couple but am already worried. Any suggestions out there about how to handle this?
 
I am truly blessed in this regard, as the one sibling I am in contact with, just accepts I am and even if she didn't, we are not in each other's lives!

When your family say that, why not try saying back: I would love to be there, but I am sure you do not want me to have a meltdown and then, embarrass everyone?

Since you are over 18, you do have the right to decide what to do and if they, despite knowing, are being this way, then I would just take the "bull by the horn" and say you are staying at home.

Or if you really cannot do that, why not take some ear plugs with you and then, you can drown out the unwanted sounds?
 
I love to dance, when I go to these things I never get off the dance-floor and I go into a kind of trance while dancing where nothing around me matters. That's how I cope with the lights, noise and relatives. Often I'll find a nice quiet place outside or a bathroom or an empty room and take several breaks. I'm known to disappear on these occasions.
 
My coping method for events like these used to be anti anxiety medication. I would try to take the minimum amount necessary to take the edge off, but not take so much that I would be out of it.
For me, and for what ever unknown reason, my anxiety and panic problems have subsided quite a bit and I haven't needed to use the meds for years, but I keep them around just in case.
 
I don't go to family social events. When family wants to visit I tell them I'm not going to be here. If they insist then I have to make up an even worse lie.

Wait: edited to say that this is true for only the part of my family I cannot stand to have around me.
 
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Paleoflora said:
My father just started his musical career as a Salsa singer. His single's debut is this upcoming Saturday and it's going to be in the middle of a club full of loud, drunk people and music. I try explaining to them why I don't want to go but it's always the same response: "This is a family thing. Don't you wanna be there for your family?" Then I go and I have a panic attack.
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Is there any way you can not be in the middle of a club full of loud, drunk people? (Read: is there some kind of backstage that you can hang out at?) That might make it easier.
 
I am usually watching the kids play video games or helping out in the kitchen. I also don't drink so I get the job of going to the store for items. That gives me my time I need to regroup and then rejoin the party.
 
I hate shopping with my mom. She tries to make me buy these uncomfortable girly clothes that constrict me. I cant STAND the feeling of a lot of girl clothes. Thats why i feel more comfortable in guy clothes. It makes me feel cozy and not restricted. My mom constantly resorts to calling me a dyke, which i am definitely not. She also "forbids me" to buy anything black. Im sorry but i love black. I look good in black. It sucks when your family doesnt understand you.

And my sister, shes always scolding me for listening to music or reading a book in social functions. I do that because nobody listens to me. I try to talk but nobody cares what i have to say. Lol
 
Luckily for me, my family likes to drink at gatherings and we never go out, because several members like cooking and hosting.
 
I just came back from a family gathering (my in-laws) but my husband had prompted them ahead of time about the Aspergers, so they were generally kind and understanding. They did try to get me to play games, but as I can't do games and socialize at the same time I graciously refused and hid upstairs. We were there for a whole week, so even though people were being nice, I was in tears by the end of the week and having mini meltdowns anyway.
 
I won't go to any family reunions where I know a lot of relatives will be there. I can't handle these occasions, especially if there are a lot of children around.
 
Everyone here is just.... wonderful. Of course I had to go on a 3 day trip with the family which was absolutely horrid. Those who know anything about me would know that the things that calm me down are 1. This computer, 2. Communities (though often short lived) and 3. The ocean.

We went to Miami beach and literally posed to take a few photographs and then walked around the city doing absolutely nothing but staring at things we couldn't afford and places we couldn't go. what kind of vacation atmosphere is that. All the while with a stress inducing nagging grandmother who wants to apparently teach everyone spanish and convert me to the holiest of Christian faiths.

Absolute nightmare. The only peace I had was the short bits of sleep. One of the nights I had to share a bed with 4, yes 4 people. My feet hung off the bed and had to lay on a wooden stool to be properly supported. It was hot and muggy in the room as 3 other people slept in the other bed, all of which are sensitive to cold while I am a human furnace and overheat quite easily.

But it's over now. No more family and my fiance has alotted me some me time to recharge.
 
Paleoflora said:
Everyone here is just.... wonderful. Of course I had to go on a 3 day trip with the family which was absolutely horrid. Those who know anything about me would know that the things that calm me down are 1. This computer, 2. Communities (though often short lived) and 3. The ocean.

We went to Miami beach and literally posed to take a few photographs and then walked around the city doing absolutely nothing but staring at things we couldn't afford and places we couldn't go. what kind of vacation atmosphere is that. All the while with a stress inducing nagging grandmother who wants to apparently teach everyone spanish and convert me to the holiest of Christian faiths.

Absolute nightmare. The only peace I had was the short bits of sleep. One of the nights I had to share a bed with 4, yes 4 people. My feet hung off the bed and had to lay on a wooden stool to be properly supported. It was hot and muggy in the room as 3 other people slept in the other bed, all of which are sensitive to cold while I am a human furnace and overheat quite easily.

But it's over now. No more family and my fiance has alotted me some me time to recharge.
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Ugh, that sounded absolutely horrid! Especially the part about sharing the bed, and being hot and muggy. One of the reasons I left Florida for good, was because of the temperature. I eagerly await the cooler weather in the Northeast! The next thing you mentioned about your grandmother trying to force languages and religion on you? Well you have my sympathy. If it is not a special interest, I get really annoyed with people trying to force stuff on my that way. I am glad that you can regroup now!
 
The only social functions I go to are family gatherings where I know everybody and my wife is with me. Then I just follow her around and do not say much. I do not do small talk and you would be surprised how hard it is to get a good conversation going about physics.
 
Paleoflora It does sound horrible. I too hate social gatherings. I am fortunate in a way, because my family know and understand that I really don't like social gatherings, busy places, or noisy places. But this actually does have it's disadvantages though. They often don't tell me if there is an event happening because they think that I wouldn't want to go. But sometimes I'd like to be given the opportunity, even if it means I go and see someone I haven't seen for a long time and then leave again. Could you do the same, go just for five minutes maybe, then leave? If there's some legitimate reason you could give as to why you need to leave, that might help too...?
I wish you luck :)
 
Paleoflora said:
Everyone here is just.... wonderful. Of course I had to go on a 3 day trip with the family which was absolutely horrid. Those who know anything about me would know that the things that calm me down are 1. This computer, 2. Communities (though often short lived) and 3. The ocean.

We went to Miami beach and literally posed to take a few photographs and then walked around the city doing absolutely nothing but staring at things we couldn't afford and places we couldn't go. what kind of vacation atmosphere is that. All the while with a stress inducing nagging grandmother who wants to apparently teach everyone spanish and convert me to the holiest of Christian faiths.

Absolute nightmare. The only peace I had was the short bits of sleep. One of the nights I had to share a bed with 4, yes 4 people. My feet hung off the bed and had to lay on a wooden stool to be properly supported. It was hot and muggy in the room as 3 other people slept in the other bed, all of which are sensitive to cold while I am a human furnace and overheat quite easily.

But it's over now. No more family and my fiance has alotted me some me time to recharge.
Click to expand...
Sorry, I missed this message til after I posted my reply a moment ago
 
I used to sit in the car with the window open and play my Game Boy as a kid, and wait until leaving. Still did the same thing up to a couple of years ago, actually - just said I didn't feel well. Otherwise if I feel I need to make the effort for someone else's sake, I either find one person to talk to or go and play with any pets around.
 
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