I really need help

[Misery]

I guess my whole point is that it seems a lot of people jump to the conclusion that they have offended someone in some way if they don't get an immediate reply back. Especially on internet mediums. It is a pretty safe assumption to say that this is not the case.

Honestly I wish it was as simple as this. Usually that is in fact what I assume... after all, those I'm dealing with are almost always on the spectrum. Introverts with autism and all that it means. If someone takes 2 weeks to reply? Hey, no problem. I get it.

But... what really set me off today was a very specific type of interaction. There was nothing ambiguous about this one. I was told, in very clear terms, that he'd suddenly decided that he didnt want personal relationships/friendships anymore. Couldnt handle the conflict, or something? I dont remember what the exact reason was and I dont want to go look at the message to recall it.

And it seemed we'd been very close up until this point. He's that sort of openly affectionate sort, who will outright say things like "hey I'd really like to spend some more time with you soon", as opposed to the usual male "feh, I guess we good meet up, grumble mumble" sort of cant-show-emotions sort. Very, very expressive and the sort who never hid anything.

So it was... very clear. And it's one of those situations where it was the whole "it's not you, it's me" like you sometimes hear in romance situations (this wasnt one of those though) and that... yeah that doesnt exactly stop the blade.

And in other cases, well... my cousin is the best example. We'd been REALLY close for a long time. And then suddenly... silence. Well, that's fine, right? But... it just kept going. And going. And going. When asked about it, he simply said "I just dont have anything to say" and that was the last time I heard from him. That was... that was long ago enough that it is very unpleasant to think about. 7 years? Ye gods has it really been that long? Ugh

I dunno, it just... ugh

On a side note I fully sympathize with that bit you mentioned about sometimes having to just escape a situation and go hang out in your room and such. I've done that a lot. Even at conventions where it's supposed to be constant fun, every now and then it was like "eeeehhhhhhh I'm going back to the hotel room now, yep okay time to freaking run up the stairs". Sometimes ya gotta get away, and ya gotta get away NOW, yeah? And that can be hard sometimes. Hard to extricate yourself from some situations and hard for others to understand.

I also sympathize with the bit about being "drained". Something I've mentioned before on this forum is that I'm naturally very empathic. I can only handle so much of that... roiling emotion that hangs around people. The more of them there are, the stronger it is. The more they SPEAK, the more intense it gets; I'm *very* good at reading voices (to the point where nobody can hide anything from me, so long as I get to hear them) and whatever they are feeling comes at me like a wave of sea water. Useful sometimes, absolutely loathed other times. I cant turn that off.

Too much of that and... yep. Time to get the heck out. I'm out of energy and my own emotional state is now damaged, gotta escape...

Difficult, that. Bah.

I think we on the spectrum jump into friendships with everything we have, so it's quite a shock to find out that the other person wasn't fully invested.

Aye, well put.

 

[Aspychata]

Honestly I wish it was as simple as this. Usually that is in fact what I assume... after all, those I'm dealing with are almost always on the spectrum. Introverts with autism and all that it means. If someone takes 2 weeks to reply? Hey, no problem. I get it.

But... what really set me off today was a very specific type of interaction. There was nothing ambiguous about this one. I was told, in very clear terms, that he'd suddenly decided that he didnt want personal relationships/friendships anymore. Couldnt handle the conflict, or something? I dont remember what the exact reason was and I dont want to go look at the message to recall it.

And it seemed we'd been very close up until this point. He's that sort of openly affectionate sort, who will outright say things like "hey I'd really like to spend some more time with you soon", as opposed to the usual male "feh, I guess we good meet up, grumble mumble" sort of cant-show-emotions sort. Very, very expressive and the sort who never hid anything.

So it was... very clear. And it's one of those situations where it was the whole "it's not you, it's me" like you sometimes hear in romance situations (this wasnt one of those though) and that... yeah that doesnt exactly stop the blade.

And in other cases, well... my cousin is the best example. We'd been REALLY close for a long time. And then suddenly... silence. Well, that's fine, right? But... it just kept going. And going. And going. When asked about it, he simply said "I just dont have anything to say" and that was the last time I heard from him. That was... that was long ago enough that it is very unpleasant to think about. 7 years? Ye gods has it really been that long? Ugh

I dunno, it just... ugh

On a side note I fully sympathize with that bit you mentioned about sometimes having to just escape a situation and go hang out in your room and such. I've done that a lot. Even at conventions where it's supposed to be constant fun, every now and then it was like "eeeehhhhhhh I'm going back to the hotel room now, yep okay time to freaking run up the stairs". Sometimes ya gotta get away, and ya gotta get away NOW, yeah? And that can be hard sometimes. Hard to extricate yourself from some situations and hard for others to understand.

I also sympathize with the bit about being "drained". Something I've mentioned before on this forum is that I'm naturally very empathic. I can only handle so much of that... roiling emotion that hangs around people. The more of them there are, the stronger it is. The more they SPEAK, the more intense it gets; I'm *very* good at reading voices (to the point where nobody can hide anything from me, so long as I get to hear them) and whatever they are feeling comes at me like a wave of sea water. Useful sometimes, absolutely loathed other times. I cant turn that off.

Too much of that and... yep. Time to get the heck out. I'm out of energy and my own emotional state is now damaged, gotta escape...

Difficult, that. Bah.



Aye, well put.

Maybe that's a problem. You read people too well. Not everyone can be comfortable with that. You and l friend, we walk separate paths. Not everybody is comfortable with that type. It took me to call you out on it. Our tuned in to others can cause others discomfort. Only wish you the best. I ask you to understand what l said.

Peace out.

 

[Misery]

Maybe that's a problem. You read people too well. Not everyone can be comfortable with that. You and l friend, we walk separate paths. Not everybody is comfortable with that type. It took me to call you out on it. Our tuned in to others can cause others discomfort. Only wish you the best. I ask you to understand what l said.

Peace out.

Oh yeah, I know. It can be a problem. Most of the time I do my best to hide it. Come to think of it I dont think I've ever actually explained it to anyone other than on this forum (after all, it cant work on here). I imagine it weirds people out a bit if they know I'm doing it when around them.

Of course whether or not I'm SUCCESSFULLY hiding it is another matter. Hm. That had not occurred to me even once.

You make some darned good points here. I'll have to think about that a bit, thanks.

 

[Aspychata]

Hey. It's cool.

It can work remote too. I have discovered this myself. PM if you need a kindred soul.

 

[VictorR]

Great points everyone. I've always appreciated your posts @Misery since if nothing else, they're a nice mix of passionately detailed and with a personal touch, especially when someone's asked about something that's in your area of expertise.

If anyone's cut you out, it's their loss more than anything else.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

See this just makes me appreciate dogs more. They often smell like a cow exploded but they'll always stick with you and you'll both be completely sure of it the whole time.

Which politician said: “If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.”

 

[Luca]

The same thing keeps happening to me, and has for my entire life. I eventually start pushing my friends away without realizing because most of the time people just leave. So I have little trust in most people claiming to want to be friends with me. I’m too annoying and “different” for most people. So I think if I disappeared off the face of the earth one day, few people would notice and even fewer would care. Some would probably be happy.

So I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’m exactly the same way. I’ve been feeling really lonely lately myself, but at the same time not really feeling like friendships are worth it.

But I’m here if you ever need some cheering up I have a whole folder of memes that you might find funny. And maybe it’d be helpful for you to talk to someone who “gets it.” I’ve been through this, a lot.

 

[Fino]

I would never have expected a problem like this from you considering how charming, funny, and all-around helpful you are on this forum. But it's hard to imagine how that translates to a 1-on-1 conversation with someone. For all we know, you could be constantly complaining or constantly explaining or any number of other off-putting behaviors. I doubt that's the case. I'm just pointing out that we don't have all of the information.

 

[Metalhead]

For what it’s worth, your words several months ago helped convince me to start going to AA, so you quite possibly could have been instrumental in saving my life.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The same thing keeps happening to me, and has for my entire life. I eventually start pushing my friends away without realizing because most of the time people just leave. So I have little trust in most people claiming to want to be friends with me. I’m too annoying and “different” for most people. So I think if I disappeared off the face of the earth one day, few people would notice and even fewer would care. Some would probably be happy.

So I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’m exactly the same way. I’ve been feeling really lonely lately myself, but at the same time not really feeling like friendships are worth it.

But I’m here if you ever need some cheering up I have a whole folder of memes that you might find funny. And maybe it’d be helpful for you to talk to someone who “gets it.” I’ve been through this, a lot.

While you have alluded to this in the past, I am surprised since I see you as a kind and interesting person with a unique style.

 

[Luca]

While you have alluded to this in the past, I am surprised since I see you as a kind and interesting person with a unique style.

A lot of people don't find me very interesting! But I think the real reason people tend to disappear on me (irl) is that I'm just... unusual. I don't fit into a particular box, and a lot of people don't like it.
Before I found this forum, I didn't think there was anyone else in the world like me, and I didn't think I would find any group that I "fit in" with, aside from other dog people. But you guys on here have shown me so much support, empathy, and kindness, and I do feel like I fit in here!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

But you guys on here have shown me so much support, empathy, and kindness, and I do feel like I fit in here!

That is why I enjoy this forum. I do not know how helpful I have been. But that is not important.

 

[Luca]

That is why I enjoy this forum. I do not know how helpful I have been. But that is not important.

To me, at least, you have been an inspiration, and quite helpful

 

[Misery]

It can work remote too. I have discovered this myself.

You have? How does that go?

For all we know, you could be constantly complaining or constantly explaining or any number of other off-putting behaviors.

It used to be the case.

Jump back 16 years and I was basically the polar opposite of how I am today. Incredibly negative and with a tendency to complain a lot about everything... even online.

Glad I moved on from THAT attitude.

For what it’s worth, your words several months ago helped convince me to start going to AA, so you quite possibly could have been instrumental in saving my life.

Nah, all the actual work and important stuff was all done by you, you had it in you the whole time to pull that off. All I did was loudly mash some keys on the keyboard in a particular sequence. Which is the dumbest way I've ever described the act of typing.

I'm just glad you were able to get out of the dark place you were in.

A lot of people don't find me very interesting! But I think the real reason people tend to disappear on me (irl) is that I'm just... unusual. I don't fit into a particular box, and a lot of people don't like it.
Before I found this forum, I didn't think there was anyone else in the world like me, and I didn't think I would find any group that I "fit in" with, aside from other dog people. But you guys on here have shown me so much support, empathy, and kindness, and I do feel like I fit in here!

Aye, pretty much how I feel as well.

Great place, eh?

 

[1ForAll]

@Misery. I do relate to what you say, and I am the type to give tons of efforts to all--strangers, acquaintances, family and prospective friends, yet admittedly I often get disappointed in the end result. I feel bad for your situation because you are suggesting you had communicated with this person longer term and both showed reciprocal friendliness, care and concern for the other, having things in common with them too. And then this person just wanted to cut things suddenly off, which definitely would have upset me too.

I feel you deserve better, as you definitely likely put forth the time, efforts and as you have empathy for others, from seeing your public writings that show that. I am the type that does the same, and am the same, so I admit when things do not work out I can be a bit frustrated thinking they could not see the good in me there. In my case, it is hard to find others that share my life experiences, interests, and who are in that assisting and caring frame of mind.

So, yeah, things rarely work out for me either. I used to take it personally, but I am into quality than quantity so I do not fret now too much. Some of those I contacted or who contacted me were really nice, but I sensed they were looking for something else or something more temporary. If they want to continue chats with me, they just have to initiate such with me too, or I feel they were looking for something different or could put forth less effort, or have other greater priorities.

In that case, I let things be. I never will reject others, as I can see the good in all. But, I cannot do lots of the work, and feel that my important interests do not interest them. And I admit I need that other to show empathy too. I can partially determine one's ability there by how they reply back to important points/actions I made. It's important that the others show some of that to me, too, as otherwise I feel I could spend lots of time trying to show care, support and to assist, but then at any moment they can run away or stop contacts from being too different.

 

[Callistemon]

A lot of people don't find me very interesting!

That says more about them than you!

 

[Aspychata]

Wow. What an outpouring of support. So happy to have found this forum. The parts that l am missing in my social armor seem to not matter as much.

Perhaps Misery feels much better.

 

[Rasputin]

I can’t speak for reasons that other people unfriend or ghost “friends”, but I know it has happened to me.

I have ghosted friends and family on social media who have taken controversial positions aligned with groups I do not want to be associated with. Recently, I ghosted a “friend” who was judgmental of me; I am 63, and do not need anyone’s approval for personal decisions that I make. However, many times I have unfriended people who have already ghosted me; I figure if they don’t need me, I do not need them.

My wife wishes I could make friends, as I do not currently have any close friends aside from a half-brother. I have two half sisters and three nieces, but don’t associate with them due to personal issues (one sister has drug additions and was arrested last year; the other sister doesn’t want to know me). I would prefer to have a friend who likes to do the same things that I do.

 

[Misery]

Perhaps Misery feels much better.

Definitely, yeah.

Though, mood is really up and down still to a degree.

It's the sort of thing where ya take your mind off of it, but then you walk past something that acts as a reminder of the person aaaaaand there goes your mood again.

 

[Slim Jim]

Perhaps Misery feels much better.

Hmmmn how nice of you. To wonder how misery feels...inside.

Yeah, Keep ya head up. Mood. Yes. Emotional memory triggers. These things can just come up. That's life.