I suspect my ex of 4 years has Aspergers

[suzeo]

I can't say it, but I know what I think.

Not helpful

 

[suzeo]

Welcome Suzeo, hope you will find this forum a kind and supporting place, sorry to hear about your breakup.

I'd say it's important to realize that people on the Spectrum can have a different way of processing emotions and expressing them (it's also possible he has something else). We might not feel the same way about situations, relationships, or other people that you would normally expect from people. Sounds like you already realized that, as has he (based on his "I can't give you what you need" comments), I don't know if you can expect him to drastically change who he is. Even if he gets a diagnosis, and joins some forums, that doesn't necessarily mean he will be motivated to change his behavior. This would have to be something he does willingly as his own choice.

I can relate to a lot of the problems he faces; however, there is a red flag with him I think, and that is he doesn't seem willing to put in any effort or concede any points. I do truly believe that both parties in a relationship need to actively work together to make a relationship healthy, and if only one person is always trying to sustain it, I don't think that is ever going to be healthy for the long-term. I would probably call him a narcissist. There are plenty of Aspies who are not like that, so don't think it is a defining characteristic of the condition. This is a common personality for people who aren't on the Spectrum (NTs) as well.

For example, with the situation with your mother being ill. Maybe you can say ASD could be responsible for the fact that he doesn't feel empathy the same way as you do, and he might not even be aware of how important it is to be supportive at a time like that. But you specifically told him that you were upset by it, his refusal to even try to understand at that point isn't due to ASD, it's just being selfish and self-absorbed.

You seem like a kind and caring person. The fact that you are trying so hard to understand him even after the breakup shows that. I hope that you find happiness in your future .

Hi Sloth
Thanks so much for your response.
I think my post demonstrates a lot of naivety and that I am just starting to learn a bit more myself about Aspergers. I think you're right in that even with a diagnosis he probably won't change. As long as I have known him he has had very little motivation (he even admits to being very lazy) and I know this isn't an Aspie trait.
I was always very clear about wanting to do things with him, spend quality time, go places. I was encouraging as I sensed he suffered from low self esteem. In the early days I did wonder if he had a personality disorder like narcissism. But it didn't seem to fit his sweet caring nature. I have to be honest with myself and say I thought I could 'save him'.
I have come to thinking many times that Aspergers or not he is just a very selfish person who happened to like having me around when it suited him (not saying this is an aspie thing)
I have been in relationships with some very self centred men and yes the red flag was up several times at the start and I chose to ignore it as I just saw the good in him. I always wanted to help him as I cared deeply for him but I did realise a long time ago I was probably never going to get what i wanted, even though I continued to push for it. So thank you I will look towards the future and chalk this one up to experience.

 

[suzeo]

???? I have no idea what makes you say that. On top of which, they are currently broken up, so how could she be cheating?

Thanks for the back up! I am not a cheater, I'm a very loyal person.

 

[suzeo]

She's probably cheating on him and is trying to justify it.

unhelpful

 

[suzeo]

This is not at all surprising to me. Going back over my history with women I expect that several times when women have told me to go they haven't meant it, and I'm almost sure that I surprised some of them by going. In the future I shall be more suspicious, but I've always just assumed that they meant what they said.



If I were in your place looking for a way back in, this looks the most likely to me. Bare minimum, some attention, some time. I wonder how carefully you defined these things (sounds like not very, how much is some?), and if you couldn't have defined them so as to make him realise that he was providing that at one point. If you use emotional labels that don't necessarily translate he may be aware that he doesn't understand you and that might prevent him from concluding that he can provide what you need, it might even make him conclude that he can't provide it if he thinks that the understanding he lacks is a necessary part of what he needs to provide. That understanding is something that you will both need to cooperate on to achieve.

I don't know how you might get him to have that conversation with you. And maybe that's not the right way to go about this, and maybe you ought to just be running away, I don't know.

It hurts to try and fail and not even know what happened, whether you are looking to make repairs or just understand a little bit more I'm glad that you're here, and that at least some people are showing consideration. Feel free to ask more. Perhaps most of us on this site have experienced this bewildering difference in outlook doing damage to our relationships and ourselves, as a result some of us are keen to help another in a similar situation, and others are bitter. I've definitely had my moments.

Hi there, many thanks for your response. I did get caught in my own emotions at that time (I felt so low and in despair) but then after I could see how he might take my words literally and be upset by them. I have my own anxiety issues to work on and I believe I try my best to work on becoming a more understanding person. I did apologise and explain that my state of mind at that time was irrational and that I really just wanted to see him and be there for me. He didn't buy it and I guess I have to accept that.
Since pondering if he was on the spectrum I worked at at trying to communicate more clearly and be more explicit with what I wanted. Over the last year he said he thought he might have Aspergers, he took an online test and scored very highly, then the next day he would refute the possibility and then it was a closed topic.
Anyway, Im a very sensitive NT, I slipped up and got exasperated from time to time as it did always seem like it was one sided, I'd get upset, cry ask why he didn't seem to care. When I just let things be, it would be fine but that meant I had to compromise everything and just be there for him. I did think several times I will just have to give up on this one. But love seems to be all consuming at times. I can clearly see from this forum that Aspie's can be full of empathy and understanding and it's probably more to do with his personality than anything else. Thanks for helping me to see things from another perspective.

 

[suzeo]

Ye gods, is all of this pointless arguing really necessary? In someone's introduction thread, no less. If you must fight, do it elsewhere.

To Suzeo, welcome to the forums. Please dont let the random arguement here deter you. You'll find plenty of people willing to help in this place. Feel free to post in one of the main sections, if you have questions about anything that could help you get the answers or assistance you need. You'll get more of a response that way than posting in the intro section.

Thank you, I won't. I've already seen that there are some very helpful, understanding people on here. I've found it very supportive and honest : )

 

[suzeo]

@I love roses

I realise that I am going through the grieving process, trying to work out what I might have done wrong, what i could do different in future to communicate better. Mostly I think I did do this but it was in vain. I knew a while ago that I should have set clear boundaries, what I would and wouldn't tolerate but I was in love and gave myself and him way to many excuses. Even the excuse of having Aspergers and I can see from this forum and what some of the other members are posting that it isn't Aspergers that is the problem. It might be his personality or me not being clear enough (setting those boundaries, defining what I would like) He knew how unhappy I was of late, I don't think he knew how to help me with that and so backed off. I know he was trying to be kind to me by 'letting me go' even though he's hurting too. Accepting it is hard and always painful.

 

[suzeo]

It puzzles me that you keep going back to him. Many people come on here and verbally slay their Aspie and then say something like, "I missed him" or "I was just wanting to check in".

Those are the mixed messages we don't like.

Further, if he read what you just wrote, there would be NO DOUBT in his mind that you think he is a loser , a leech, someone incapable of communicating, selfish, narcissistic, pot head who wasted four years of your life.

I didn't see too many good words used to describe this man. If someone like that were in my life, wow, I would feel set free the day they left!

Hi there, Thank you for your response. I'm not here to slay anyone, sorry if I caused offence to anyone. I don't know if he has Aspergers or not. I did get that communication was often a major issue and I'm just trying to work out if Aspergers might be something he has, not just because of that but other traits that he had. Maybe gain some perspective from others on this forum. I'm not just blaming him, I could definitely have been clearer and could have communicated more effectively. I'm still working on that and will continue to do so.
I'm aware that he got mixed messages from me. I can see that post appears to be very negative and somewhat naive. I was just putting things from my perspective but of course there is his side which would probably read very differently. And yes my post looks just as you have said it, in essence he was 'pot head who wasted four years of your life' even though I didn't say that. I'm not against weed, I could see how it helped him to relax and help with his anxiety issues. Thank you for your perspective, I wasn't trying to be so negative but I can see how it looks that way.

 

[suzeo]

My read is that by getting into an intimate relationship with him, you saw him as he is. Someone who likes to hole up at home and not go out much. Especially after he lost his job. I've known lots of people like that who are not on the spectrum.

He's been going out with new friends and colleagues since getting a new job, this seems normal to me, and as an aspie who likes a casual night out with a few casual freinds, I would be up for that. But I also like to go out with my partner. I think the problem you have is his personality, not his aspieness, whether he is or isn't.

Hi, thank you for your response. He was definitely someone who does just hole up a lot. But at the start of our relationship he wasn't. In fact he pursued me wanting to go out and go to the cinema etc. He seemed very extrovert, confident and self assured, talked like he knew exactly what he wanted.
I was very supportive when he lost his job (or jobs as it happened more than once)
I think you're right in saying it is more about his personality than whether he has Aspergers or not, that seems to have come up a few times in the posts. Thanks for your insight.

 

[Judge]

Equally attempting to suggest to someone that they may be on the spectrum of autism can be risky business. Personally I'm inclined to believe that very few people are likely to be accept such a suggestion in a positive manner. I know in my own case it was something I pursued purely by myself, and can recall how skeptical I was in the beginning. And yet it was my own curiosity that kept me from dismissing it all., though at times I was in various states of denial as well. In other words, it's a difficult process. One that a person must ultimately navigate entirely on their own.

He may indeed be on the spectrum. However that doesn't dismiss the possibility that he simply isn't right for you either, whether neurologically compatible or not. You know that saying- "He may simply not be into you". Where you really have no option other than to move on. Apparently he did, and so should you.

So many people come here looking for answers about their significant others who might be on the spectrum. But being on the spectrum itself is neither a reason or an excuse to continue any relationship that just isn't working. In that sense we are no different than our Neurotypical counterparts.

 

[I love roses]

I realise that I am going through the grieving process, trying to work out what I might have done wrong, what i could do different in future to communicate better. Mostly I think I did do this but it was in vain. I knew a while ago that I should have set clear boundaries, what I would and wouldn't tolerate but I was in love and gave myself and him way to many excuses. Even the excuse of having Aspergers and I can see from this forum and what some of the other members are posting that it isn't Aspergers that is the problem. It might be his personality or me not being clear enough (setting those boundaries, defining what I would like) He knew how unhappy I was of late, I don't think he knew how to help me with that and so backed off. I know he was trying to be kind to me by 'letting me go' even though he's hurting too. Accepting it is hard and always painful.

I’m not saying you should have set boundaries, that was an example, however, a useful one. But when we did not know to set boundaries when none were used, our own pain of the experience will some times cause us to set them with people in the future as a part of regular personal growth. The future boundaries become a byproduct of previous experiences.

 

[suzeo]

Equally attempting to suggest to someone that they may be on the spectrum of autism can be risky business. Personally I'm inclined to believe that very few people are likely to be accept such a suggestion in a positive manner. I know in my own case it was something I pursued purely by myself, and can recall how skeptical I was in the beginning. And yet it was my own curiosity that kept me from dismissing it all., though at times I was in various states of denial as well. In other words, it's a difficult process. One that a person must ultimately navigate entirely on their own.

He may indeed be on the spectrum. However that doesn't dismiss the possibility that he simply isn't right for you either, whether neurologically compatible or not. You know that saying- "He may simply not be into you". Where you really have no option other than to move on. Apparently he did, and so should you.

So many people come here looking for answers about their significant others who might be on the spectrum. But being on the spectrum itself is neither a reason or an excuse to continue any relationship that just isn't working. In that sense we are no different than our Neurotypical counterparts.

Hi and thanks for taking the time to respond.
I skirted around the idea of talking about Aspergers with him for a long time. I think we first discussed it when I said I thought I might be on the spectrum. I'm not i just have my own obsessions and quirks. He then said he thought he might be and other aspie's had suggested it to him. He did a test (of his own volition) but that's as far as it went. A few weeks ago he talked about getting a diagnosis (out of the blue) and I said I'd support whatever he wanted to do. I did realise it is something he will have to go through and process on his own but I would have been there for him. In fact if he contacted me now I'd support him in whatever way he wanted.
Many times I thought he isn't right for me or me right for him but I'm a hopeless romantic and love him very much. I respect his decision when he says he can't give me what I want. Though I believe his love to be sincere and not that he's not into me (Not that I'm being vain there!) Ultimately I think my lack of understanding and him thinking he was getting everything wrong pushed him away. There's no one to blame for that really as whoever we are, we are always learning about others and ourselves. I think this forum has been extremely helpful and supportive and has given me lots of insight and ways in which I can work on my communication skills.

 

[Judge]

Mixed relationships between autistic and non-autistic couple are always possible, but the prognosis is not likely to be favorable. I've had five relationships with NT women and they all failed, mostly in hindsight based on our neurological incompatibilities. Of course at the time, neither they or myself were aware that I might be on the spectrum.

One thing for sure in my own case, romance as a concept continues to be an abstraction to me. Something difficult to grasp and one that showed up negatively in my relationships. Being self-aware might have helped, but I realize that there are never any guarantees when it comes to neurological compatibility issues.