I tend to attract draining people

[Pats]

I wonder if, when people get so emotionally involved in their problems, that simple and practical responses from us might actually seem remarkably helpful and supportive to them. That the last thing that would actually help them is the typical emotive reactions they would get from others.

I would agree but it doesn't explain the strangers relating all their problems. That's what I don't get. But I agree that the basic "I'm so sorry" doesn't really do anything but confirm they should be having a self pity party.

 

[Graphin]

tbh a controlled skill in comforting people is what i really want

 

[Nihil]

I seem to encounter depressed people too much online. It does get tiring when you hear that the world sucks for the 50th time.

 

[Shamar]

You know the type, the people who will constantly complain to you about their problems without doing much to fix them and won't ask you a thing about your life. Even though I feel bad for these people, I can't deal with them for too long without me being drained and feeling bad.

Does anyone tend to attract these people? I know they're called energy vampires or soul suckers and for good reason. They don't want to actually fix their problems or take some responsibility for them, they just want someone to tell them what THEY want to hear and dump all their issues onto you. I realize that we all go through times in our life where we want pity and feel pity for ourselves, but I'm talking about people who are like this 24/7 and just don't have the insight or maturity to be anything more.

"It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness a thousand times." Some people would rather curse the darkness a thousand times. My wife is one of them. In any given situation, the worst possible interpretation must the what is really happening. If something cannot be put in the category of "problem," then it must be a disaster. I am bombarded by a daily litany of everything that is wrong in her life, and if she cannot find enough things to complain about, she searches for more. She admits there are things she needs to do, but it is either too hot, too cold, or too much effort to do anything.
I understand exactly what you are talking about. I hope I don't attract any more; one is quite sufficient

 

[Peter Morrison]

I'm glad that you recognize the "vampires" in this world. They will feed off of you whenever possible, so it is best to cut ties with them if you can do so graciously. If it can't be done graciously, be direct and tell them that they are downer and that being with them is unhealthy for you. Those of us on the spectrum are easy prey for people who are needy. They thrive on drama, and they can create drama out of anything. Stay away from them. You can't fix it.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I've had quite a few people like this in my life. I think it's because I'm not much of a talker, so people take the relaxed quiet pauses as an invitation to fill the silence with endless whining.

I've been told I have a sympathetic manner, which is ironic as I actually have almost no patience for people who complain about things but don't do anything to change, or who blame their problems on others. Generally when people are complaining to me I'm thinking things like, "oh get over yourself" and "for ****s sake if it's so bad maybe stop wasting time complaining and actually do something about it"... maybe next time I should try saying these things aloud instead of just thinking them.

Now if they actually wanted advise or help I'd be totally up for that (I'm a problem solver), but I've found that most people like this prefer to think that they're helpless victims and giving advise bursts their bubble of helplessness.

 

[Progster]

Talking excessively about their problems is a coping mechanism for many people. Sometimes people don't have anyone to talk to about their problems - people generally don't want to talk to people who have problems, so these people have nobody to talk to, and so if they find a stranger to listen to them, the stranger becomes an outlet for their woe.

 

[Graphin]

I personally just feel bad to spill that stuff onto sombody if they practically never talk about their problems, but yeah I can understand why people do that.

 

[Bertie Wooster]

You know the type, the people who will constantly complain to you about their problems without doing much to fix them and won't ask you a thing about your life. Even though I feel bad for these people, I can't deal with them for too long without me being drained and feeling bad.

Does anyone tend to attract these people? I know they're called energy vampires or soul suckers and for good reason. They don't want to actually fix their problems or take some responsibility for them, they just want someone to tell them what THEY want to hear and dump all their issues onto you. I realize that we all go through times in our life where we want pity and feel pity for ourselves, but I'm talking about people who are like this 24/7 and just don't have the insight or maturity to be anything more.

Yes I know the sort and they are a terrible bore. But at least if you get targeted repeatedly it shows that you are a caring and nice person, if you weren't you wouldnt attract them because they dont waste any time or effort on people that they instantly know won't give a s#@t. Another sort that ive encountered is trauma vampires..people that basically get some kind of perverted pleasure out of other people's misfortune.

 

[Ylva]

You know the type, the people who will constantly complain to you about their problems without doing much to fix them and won't ask you a thing about your life. Even though I feel bad for these people, I can't deal with them for too long without me being drained and feeling bad.

Does anyone tend to attract these people? I know they're called energy vampires or soul suckers and for good reason. They don't want to actually fix their problems or take some responsibility for them, they just want someone to tell them what THEY want to hear and dump all their issues onto you. I realize that we all go through times in our life where we want pity and feel pity for ourselves, but I'm talking about people who are like this 24/7 and just don't have the insight or maturity to be anything more.

They will initially be super nice, and once they've convinced you that you are friends (best friends!) they start sucking the life out of you.

 

[TempeFan]

Yes, this has happened enough to my wife, friends, and I that we have our own terms and phrases. One of my friends calls them dementors (after Harry Potter). I stole that term from him.

Engaging one in conversation is "petting the stray." I'll say hi to someone and politely ask how they're doing. (They're not supposed to actually tell you, right?!) A long, painful, one-sided conversation later, my wife says, "Well, you just pet the stray." Sometimes my wife or friend will recognize "that unstable look" and tell me, "Don't pet that stray." - and I'll do what I can to avoid a conversation.

When it's an acquaintance, I avoid the person or engage them when it's apparent that I don't have a lot of time to talk, or avoid asking about certain topics. Sometimes I work with the person and it's unavoidable. I work with engineers and some of them, when you ask them what time it is, they tell you how to build a watch.

 

[TempeFan]

It took me a long time to understand that when someone says, "Hello. How are you? "This is a ritual, not a request for information. The proper response is "Fine, thank you. How are you?" Unfortunately, if I make eye contact while doing so, I am seen as being mean and confrontational . On the other hand, if I don't look people in the eye, they mistake me for being cold and insincere. Sometimes I forget to wait for them to say "Fine." back before moving along. Often they are long gone before I get the chance to recite my part of the script. I'm the epitome of condemned if I do and condemned if I don't. On the show Scott and Bailey, which is the British version of Cagney and Lacey, the writer's came up with a rather apt definition of the word: Here's the euphamistic version "Fed up, insecure, nervous, and exhausted - FINE."

 

[SunnyDay16]

Talking excessively about their problems is a coping mechanism for many people. Sometimes people don't have anyone to talk to about their problems - people generally don't want to talk to people who have problems, so these people have nobody to talk to, and so if they find a stranger to listen to them, the stranger becomes an outlet for their woe.

I don't think there's anything wrong with talking about your problems to people who are close to you, but that isn't what I'm talking about here.

When somebody is constantly using other people as outlets for their personal problems it's a sign of a bigger issue. These people usually have trouble with healthy boundaries and do not know how to help themselves in any way. They either don't want to, or don't know how to because they lack the situational awareness or maturity to do so. They also tend to be rather self-centered.

I feel bad for these kinds of people and they while they do need friendship to some degree, it's impossible to be a close friend with them without being drained physically and emotionally. They will suck you dry with their issues. It's frustrating to me that these people don't seem to want to help themselves because you should want to be self-sufficient, right?