capybara
actually a giant rodent
Hey, everyone. I've been putting this off for long enough, I think, so here we go. It'll probably be a mess so please let me know if anything should be clarified! First things first; I apologise in advance if I say anything potentially rude or insensitive, English isn't my native language so it's easy for me to slip up!
Anyway. For a while now, I've noticed something was a bit "off" with me. People have always called me shy and anti-social because I'm usually really quiet, but it's not that I don't want to interact with people, I do. But I'm terrified of doing it and of mucking everything up, as I very often do. It's a bit hard to explain - but, many times, I end up being rude without meaning to, saying something I'm not supposed to say, or completely mis-judging whatever the other person has said or done.
I also have the habit of going on and on about things I like, even though I know it annoys other people - most times I just stay quiet (hence the shy and anti-social thing) or, if I realise I'm doing it, I just force myself to stop the moment the other person seems to be bored. Which is very often, but sometimes they also ask why I've stopped and tell me to go on.
Still, recently, more and more people have pointed out that I'm not "normal", and that I really should start paying more attention because I'm constantly mis-judging them and failing to make myself understood. I'm living on my own now and can no longer rely on my mum to do adult-y things for me, so I find myself in this situation very often. I started looking into medical conditions that could possibly explain it, because I try and I try, and while I have learned a fair bit about social interaction by watching other people do it, enough to get by, I'm still, in general, very terrible and hesitant about it all.
Regarding things that could possibly be symptoms, beyond all that has been described above: I suffer from very bad anxiety, and the mere thought of doing something new is enough to make me feel horrible for a whole week. I get very easily overwhelmed by touching, be it tight clothing or people touching or poking me; turtle neck shirts and ties make me very very uncomfortable and stressed. I've been obsessed with horses and drawing ever since I was a child, I literally can't go a day without doodling something. I've read that making noises can be a form of stimming, and I definitely do that a lot, something my friends relentlessly tease me about, heh. I also scratch my neck, my arms and my face, and wring my hands a lot. I also bite pens and pencils, but I think that's mostly boredom. I can't look people in the eye for very long, I don't see the point of small talk, I very often seem egocentric, I think, cause I'm always worried people are mad at me.
I stumbled upon Asperger's, and the more I read about it, the more it seemed to fit. I'm very very hesitant to say I do have Asperger's, though, as I keep thinking that no, maybe I just really am terrible at the whole social interaction thing and it's no one's fault but my own. It seems I can't have an official diagnosis in my country, seeing as everyone seems to believe that all forms of Autism are diagnosed in childhood and the only way to do a test is through a pediatrician - even if a doctor were willing to diagnose me, it'd probably be far more than I could afford, and not worth the cost.
Basically, what I wanted to know is - do you think I have Asperger's? Of course, it's probably difficult to know for sure without a test, but does any of this seem familiar to you? As I said, it's probably a mess cause I'm very very nervous about this, so let me know if you need any clarification.
Anyway. For a while now, I've noticed something was a bit "off" with me. People have always called me shy and anti-social because I'm usually really quiet, but it's not that I don't want to interact with people, I do. But I'm terrified of doing it and of mucking everything up, as I very often do. It's a bit hard to explain - but, many times, I end up being rude without meaning to, saying something I'm not supposed to say, or completely mis-judging whatever the other person has said or done.
I also have the habit of going on and on about things I like, even though I know it annoys other people - most times I just stay quiet (hence the shy and anti-social thing) or, if I realise I'm doing it, I just force myself to stop the moment the other person seems to be bored. Which is very often, but sometimes they also ask why I've stopped and tell me to go on.
Still, recently, more and more people have pointed out that I'm not "normal", and that I really should start paying more attention because I'm constantly mis-judging them and failing to make myself understood. I'm living on my own now and can no longer rely on my mum to do adult-y things for me, so I find myself in this situation very often. I started looking into medical conditions that could possibly explain it, because I try and I try, and while I have learned a fair bit about social interaction by watching other people do it, enough to get by, I'm still, in general, very terrible and hesitant about it all.
Regarding things that could possibly be symptoms, beyond all that has been described above: I suffer from very bad anxiety, and the mere thought of doing something new is enough to make me feel horrible for a whole week. I get very easily overwhelmed by touching, be it tight clothing or people touching or poking me; turtle neck shirts and ties make me very very uncomfortable and stressed. I've been obsessed with horses and drawing ever since I was a child, I literally can't go a day without doodling something. I've read that making noises can be a form of stimming, and I definitely do that a lot, something my friends relentlessly tease me about, heh. I also scratch my neck, my arms and my face, and wring my hands a lot. I also bite pens and pencils, but I think that's mostly boredom. I can't look people in the eye for very long, I don't see the point of small talk, I very often seem egocentric, I think, cause I'm always worried people are mad at me.
I stumbled upon Asperger's, and the more I read about it, the more it seemed to fit. I'm very very hesitant to say I do have Asperger's, though, as I keep thinking that no, maybe I just really am terrible at the whole social interaction thing and it's no one's fault but my own. It seems I can't have an official diagnosis in my country, seeing as everyone seems to believe that all forms of Autism are diagnosed in childhood and the only way to do a test is through a pediatrician - even if a doctor were willing to diagnose me, it'd probably be far more than I could afford, and not worth the cost.
Basically, what I wanted to know is - do you think I have Asperger's? Of course, it's probably difficult to know for sure without a test, but does any of this seem familiar to you? As I said, it's probably a mess cause I'm very very nervous about this, so let me know if you need any clarification.
They are the sweetest creatures.
