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I think I need help?

T

TheBlankCanvas

Well-Known Member
Hi, I haven't posted on here in a while. The reason being that, my life has been great...ish. You see, I did everything that the Doctor's and my Family told me I should do. And everything they said would happen, happened. And I never stopped to think if it was what I wanted to happen. And now for the past six months I have had the life I was told I should have, and that I always believed I should have. I now I have the most peculiar and perplexing problem in that for these past six months, I have felt nothing, not one thing. And It's torture, I have been nothing but calm for six months, I always dreamed of being calm, but now that I have been calm for so long I "feel" horrible. I want nothing more now than to be depressed again for at least then my life will have a little meaning to it, Something interesting, a challenge to overcome and a problem to solve. My only problem is that I have none. But now I see that I need problems. I'm stuck in friendships I do not want, but I was told I needed them. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone I know in real life about what's going on inside my head, even if that is exactly nothing. Before my life sucked, and now it sucks but I have "friends". But before it was interesting. I liked it a hell of a lot more than I do now. I want it back! I want nothing more than to cry again because someone offended me, I want nothing more than to feel nervous before a test in school! I just can't feel anything and I don't know why. I'm stuck in a hole I don't want to be in and I would like nothing more than to lead my old life, one where I did "weird" stuff and people actually judged me for it. Without that I feel there is no reason for me to exist as I have no obstacles now. But like I said, I have literally no problems, no emotions, for six whole months! And it is because of this I do not know what to do and so I have come here in the hope that someone here has experienced something remotely similar. Thank you in advance if you take the time to reply.
 
Do you feel numb? Or calm? It sounds like something's wrong even if you say its nothing. Correct me if i'm misunderstanding, but it sounds like you gave up a lot because you were told to and regret some of it now? Or do you want a challenge, a problem to solve, purpose? I'm having trouble understanding. Partially because i don't see stuff from others points of view very well. =/ You kinda gotta spell it out...anyways, ultimately, if you aren't happy then take whatever steps you need to in order to get there.
 
Kari Suttle said:
Do you feel numb? Or calm? It sounds like something's wrong even if you say its nothing. Correct me if i'm misunderstanding, but it sounds like you gave up a lot because you were told to and regret some of it now? Or do you want a challenge, a problem to solve, purpose? I'm having trouble understanding. Partially because i don't see stuff from others points of view very well. =/ You kinda gotta spell it out...anyways, ultimately, if you aren't happy then take whatever steps you need to in order to get there.
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I feel calm, but like my life has no purpose, I don't want to be calm any more.
 
"And I never stopped to think if it was what I wanted to happen. And now for the past six months I have had the life I was told I should have, and that I always believed I should have. I now I have the most peculiar and perplexing problem in that for these past six months, I have felt nothing, not one thing."

The Universal Questions I'd Ask: What kind of life do you want to have? How is it different from the one you do have? What are you willing to trade, and what kinds of pain are you willing to entertain (so to speak), to build the life you want?

The Specific Question I'd Focus On: What do you do so well that you can't stop doing it, because it's nearly effortless and your results are consistently near-perfect? (should be something pre-drug)

If you're not sure...depending on what it is you're taking...perhaps it's time for a drug vacation, a friends vacation, or a vacation from routine. Maybe you need a Quest :airplane:?
:)
 
Aspergirl4hire said:
"And I never stopped to think if it was what I wanted to happen. And now for the past six months I have had the life I was told I should have, and that I always believed I should have. I now I have the most peculiar and perplexing problem in that for these past six months, I have felt nothing, not one thing."

The Universal Questions I'd Ask: What kind of life do you want to have? How is it different from the one you do have? What are you willing to trade, and what kinds of pain are you willing to entertain (so to speak), to build the life you want?

The Specific Question I'd Focus On: What do you do so well that you can't stop doing it, because it's nearly effortless and your results are consistently near-perfect? (should be something pre-drug)

If you're not sure...depending on what it is you're taking...perhaps it's time for a drug vacation, a friends vacation, or a vacation from routine. Maybe you need a Quest :airplane:?
:)
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Drug Vacation? I don't do drugs if that's you mean, nor do I take prescription medication. As for what kind of life do I want to have, I just want my old life back, when I didn't have friends because I couldn't have them. All of a sudden friends where forced upon me and they changed who I am and I don't like it. As for what I do well, I'm working on becoming a Cinematographer/Filmmaker. But to clarify I do quite simply just feel calm, I know it's difficult to understand but to just feel calm for 6 months is a whole new form of torture as there is nothing you can do about it, because your calm, you can't feel anything else. I know I should be frustrated about this and I wan't to be but I can't.
 
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I can only guess here. Are you trying to tell us that you were instructed to be who and what you are not with the aid of prescribed pharmaceuticals ?

For me taking prescribed beta-blockers slowly dissolved who I was as a person/personality.
Sure I was "calm" and much less nervous or anxious. But I got to the point where I felt robotic. Not good.
 
Judge said:
I can only guess here. Are you trying to tell us that you were instructed to be who and what you are not with the aid of prescribed pharmaceuticals ?
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What's all this talk of drugs? I never mentioned drugs... I've quite simply been nothing but calm for six months, seems great on paper but it's torture.
 
TheBlankCanvas said:
What's all this talk of drugs? I never mentioned drugs... I've quite simply been nothing but calm for six months, seems great on paper but it's torture.
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Like I said, I can only guess. Being socially calm doesn't come easy for some of us. But in my case the "cure" was worse than the disease.

What's "torturous" about being calm if not artificially attained by meds?
 
Judge said:
Like I said, I can only guess. Being socially calm doesn't come easy for some of us. But in my case the "cure" was worse than the disease.
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It wasn't easy for me to obtain this level of calm, but my problem lies in the fact it won't go away. I haven't felt happy, sad, depressed, angry e.t.c in over six months.
 
TheBlankCanvas said:
It wasn't easy for me to obtain this level of calm, but my problem lies in the fact it won't go away. I haven't felt happy, sad, depressed, angry e.t.c in over six months.
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Have you had anything in those last six months to actually warrant sadness, anger and depression?

Would it be such a bad thing if you discovered an inner strength in "maintaining an even strain" ?
 
Judge said:
Have you had anything in those last six months to actually warrant sadness, anger and depression?

Would it be such a bad thing if you discovered an inner strength in "maintaining an even strain" ?
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I had my GCSEs, Normally I would be stressed for a test, but for these I was completely calm, I even lay back after finishing one of them with time to spare, normally I would be on the verge of passing out from stress. I had what appeared to be some pretty severe OCD symptoms but those have almost entirely gone for the past six months, just the occasional bit here and there. I've had plenty of things I should be happy about, but have never actually felt happy.
 
TheBlankCanvas said:
I had my GCSEs, Normally I would be stressed for a test, but for these I was completely calm, I even lay back after finishing one of them with time to spare, normally I would be on the verge of passing out from stress. I had what appeared to be some pretty severe OCD symptoms but those have almost entirely gone for the past six months, just the occasional bit here and there. I've had plenty of things I should be happy about, but have never actually felt happy.
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Sounds more like you're describing me in my younger years. I always figured I'd die of a heart attack just like most of my relatives. My OCD annoys me...but I figure my clinical depression may kill me some day. From where I'm sitting, I'd like being that calm and collective. Truly.

As for being "happy"...I know in my own case that may simply be too much to ask for. Joy is just something that falls between the cracks for me. I can have it for hours....maybe even a few days, but nothing really longer.
 
Judge said:
Sounds more like you're describing me in my younger years. I always figured I'd die of a heart attack just like most of my relatives. My OCD annoys me...but I figure my clinical depression may kill me some day. From where I'm sitting, I'd like being that calm and collective.

As for being "happy"...I know in my own case that may simply be too much to ask for. I can't speak for anyone else.
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I used to want to be calm, but now I am, and it was great for a while, but feeling literally nothing, not caring for 6 whole months is literally one of the worst feelings of my life, I feel so trapped as unlike when I was depressed I don't know if this will end, if I will have to live a life of eternal nothingness.
 
TheBlankCanvas said:
I used to want to be calm, but now I am, and it was great for a while, but feeling literally nothing, not caring for 6 whole months is literally one of the worst feelings of my life, I feel so trapped as unlike when I was depressed I don't know if this will end, if I will have to live a life of eternal nothingness.
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Probably something you need to discuss with your doctor. Could be a chemical imbalance within your own metabolism.
 
Judge said:
Probably something you need to discuss with your doctor. Could be a chemical imbalance within your own metabolism.
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I don't know how to tell anyone in real life, I'm only 15 so I can't just go in on my own, and I have never told a parent about how I feel about anything. But now there is nothing to say, if I went to a doctor I wouldn't know what to say, there is quite simply nothing wrong with me from a medical sense. I just crave the idea of feeling something again. I don't know how to describe it. It feels worse than I can word it. Before I've felt nothing but there was stuff sprinkled in-between but now I just have nothing, my mind feels empty and I want something to happen to make me feel again! I can still pretend to be happy/sad e.t.c, I've become very good at that, but pretending just makes me feel even more empty.
 
TheBlankCanvas said:
But now there is nothing to say, if I went to a doctor I wouldn't know what to say, there is quite simply nothing wrong with me from a medical sense.
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That's for a medical professional to determine. Not for you to guess at. I waited to seek such help until I was in my 20s. Bad idea.
 
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