I think I possibly have AS

[ftfipps]

Hello, all.

I just found out I have high functioning autism about six weeks ago. Not from a doctor, I just looked up Aspergers online and I was heartbroken. I was going to kill myself honestly but I have been staying strong. There is nothing wrong with my intelligence, I have always been in regular classes in school and I was praised by my teachers as being very bright. My life didn't get bad until it was time for me to contribute to the work force. I went out, gave it a shot, and failed miserably each time. It didn't matter how crappy or low paying or easy the job was, I just couldn't get my yoyo co-workers off my back. I could have EASILY done the job and been a better employee than any of 'em but they acted like I was incapable of grasping very simple information. My bosses and co-workers genuinely believed I was a retarded kid. No amount of trying to reason with 'em would change their minds. I KNOW I'm far more intelligent than them so I simply laughed it off, I was in my early 20's at that time. Needless to say, this made me a very angry, isolating, self destructive person for many years. It wasn't just bosses and co-workers who treated me like a farm animal. Doctors and nurses at the psych ward would laugh at me and say I was retarded. Not in front of me, but within earshot. It was very hard to realise that these people who were supposed to help me were like that. I am NOT retarded. I made the deans list in college and got mostly A's and b's. Only about 1 out of 10 people even notices I am different in any way. I don't "stim" I don't have any eccentric behaviors. Most people don't even notice there is anything different about me.

Today, I realize that the way my brain is wired, I simply cannot navigate through the endless nuances of emotion and inflection in communication like NT's do effortlessly. They often just joke and effortlessly say the correct things in situations where I simply haven't learned these things. It is awful tbh. I'm getting through the days but it is far from easy knowing I'll never be able to communicate with others effectively. I am going to try and get a diagnosis soon.

 

[tree]

 

[Bolletje]

Welcome! It's a good thing all humans have room for improvement, Aspie or not. You might never be a natural at social interaction, but you can definitely learn.

 

[Beguiling Orbit]

Welcome, @ftfipps! Much of what you can find online about ASD is innacurate. Some of it is pure, unadulterated nonsense.

You CAN learn how to navigate through the endless nuances of emotion and inflection in communication like NT's do--maybe not effortlessly, but CERTAINLY effectively.

Hang in there. Once the shock wears off, you'll come to realize that being neurodivergent isn't inferior to being neurotypical, just different. This forum is a great place to meet great folks who can prove that to you.

 

[Tom]

Hi & Welcome

 

[Warmheart]

Greetings and welcome here!

 

[Lit]

There is nothing wrong with my intelligence, I have always been in regular classes in school and I was praised by my teachers as being very bright. My life didn't get bad until it was time for me to contribute to the work force. I went out, gave it a shot, and failed miserably each time. It didn't matter how crappy or low paying or easy the job was, I just couldn't get my yoyo co-workers off my back. I could have EASILY done the job and been a better employee than any of 'em but they acted like I was incapable of grasping very simple information. My bosses and co-workers genuinely believed I was a retarded kid.

Today, I realize that the way my brain is wired, I simply cannot navigate through the endless nuances of emotion and inflection in communication like NT's do effortlessly. They often just joke and effortlessly say the correct things in situations where I simply haven't learned these things. It is awful tbh. I'm getting through the days but it is far from easy knowing I'll never be able to communicate with others effectively. I am going to try and get a diagnosis soon.

Same here. After graduation, I searched for jobs like any other fresh graduate. Interviews were hard for me. I did get a job (but only 1-year contract basis) at a computer service company back in 2005, I worked effortlessly when I was on my own. When the bosses put me in a team and gave me a task where I had to speak in front of a group of people, I faltered and it looked like I was a kid who wasn't supposed to enter the workforce yet. So now I'm only doing freelance work from home, although my family and relatives talk behind my back all the time about my incapability to find outside job and work like normal people. Unfortunately, they don't know about my Asperger (or perhaps simply don't want to know). To them, I'm fine and just being lazy.

 

[ftfipps]

I'm depressed every single day. I was depressed already before this. I don't even leave my house anymore. My car broke down back in July and I had to start taking a bus. I love the idea of taking a bus and public transportation in general but I live in a crappy big city in the south. I happen to be Caucasian and the whites in my city are too proud to ride the bus. The only Caucasians that ride the bus in my city, which has a population larger than DENVER, are older people with obvious dementia or homeless people. It's disgusting how crappy this VERY LARGE city is.

You folks have probably just saved a guys life. I agree with the fact that there is a lot of false crap online about AS.

The fact is, John Q. Public DOES NOT understand aspies. If you are the least bit different, you are inferior to them. People in general are so dumb that if you are perceived by one of these fellas as stupider than them, you must be RETARDED. No one is going to take the time to get to know you or risk their social standing to find out more about you to dispute the accusations. That is why we live in a homogeneous society. Guys are expected to have short cropped hair and drive a prius and sit in a cubicle all day. Because if they didn't do these commonplace things they wouldn't fit in. They hate themselves so much that they just want to slink by without anyone noticing them.

Maybe I'll start my own business or something. Any advice is appreciated and again, thank you all for your responses. xx

 

[ftfipps]

I've heard other people say it on here. If co-workers don't like you, It doesn't matter how good a job you do, or how crappy a job others do, you will be the one to get yelled at.