I Think The Worst Part Of Being On The Spectrum Is...

[Aspychata]

It's great to see you more at the forum @GrownupGirl. You always have something relevant to add.

 

[Aspychata]

@Misty Avich , what more can l say? It's great you have stayed on contributing to the campfire discussions.

 

[Au Naturel]

What the Captain said. All other serious issues derive from that.

 

[Neri]

Executive function or, actually, lack, thereof.
Being the butt of bullying and marginalization and dismissal.
Autistic burn out.
I'm used to the not having or being able to keep friends. I have compensated by becoming a very interesting and creative person, and I like that about myself.
I like my bright, inquisitive mind and "giftedness". I like how my desperate unhappiness and struggles have deepened me and made me a more compassionate and kind person. I am a work in progress, but a much happier version of myself because I work hard at overcoming my deficits and admitting where I need help and support. That wasn't on offer for me when I was younger. Life was horribly hard but I triumphed through it all and it's made me solid and powerful, on the inside.
I don't like that my social capacity is not that great, though, still, I will keep working on that.

 

[Chailatte_]

Having varying degrees of depression that result in inward thinking, rumination, low self esteem, a lack of motivation, self abuse, envy, jealousy, and even anger. Others pick up on that and don't want to be around it, leading to further social isolation and marginalization.

You know, I can often deal with the communication issues simply by asking clarifying questions to gain a better context and perspective, as well as, intent. However, if I ever get "down in the dumps" or even have a "flat affect", I tend to avoid people and people tend to avoid me. If I am an a better mood, and I am actively engaging people, people reciprocate and are quite friendly and engaging with me. A life lesson.

What Neonatal RRT said (I agree with everything)

And then my own list
(Not in order of importance)

Not being able to console someone who is suffering in a "completely sentimental" way.

Not always being able to understand the thin line between honesty and rudeness / and white lies (those that are said to be for the best).

When I'm told "you can be honest with me," I've learned (at my expense) that they don't mean true honesty.

Making my partner suffer indirectly because of my "low social skills" is a really bad point. I thought I was doing quite well and not like the "stereotype that makes others uncomfortable," yet very often, when I attend a dinner with his friends or they come to us, they think I'm angry/annoyed with them because of my very limited expressions (which is strange since I've always been told that I am a very expressive person), or because of my lack of participation in their topics (which I'm not interested in)I interact a bit to not come off as rude and to avoid making others feel uncomfortable, but after a while, I isolate myself in my own world. I don't "care" because I've lived with this judgment all my life, but it hurts me that my partner feels the need to give up these dinners because he doesn't want others to talk like this about me or for there to be tension.

When "my not participating in conversations" is seen as an act of superiority or rudeness, rather than simply disinterest "without malice" or simply difficulty with conversation.

Not knowing how to "move" while walking, it seems that I don't have that "spontaneous rhythm" of walking like everyone else, and very often I feel so rigid that I feel like an ironing board. I try to be more "fluid in my movements" but have never succeeded.

Not knowing "where" to look in social contexts and for how long.

Not understanding when someone is making advances or is just being kind and vice versa when my behavior is considered kindness and when instead what I do can be seen as making advances.

 

[Misty Avich]

My experience with autism has been diabolical beyond words, which is why I really hate having it, and can be frustrating when others get offended about my feelings and making me out to be a bad person because of feeling the way I do about myself. Not saying anyone in this thread have been offended, but it has been suggested to me several times here before, and elsewhere, and it doesn't help.

 

[vergil96]

When "my not participating in conversations" is seen as an act of superiority or rudeness, rather than simply disinterest "without malice" or simply difficulty with conversation.

they think I'm angry/annoyed with them because of my very limited expressions (which is strange since I've always been told that I am a very expressive person), or because of my lack of participation in their topics (which I'm not interested in)I interact a bit to not come off as rude and to avoid making others feel uncomfortable, but after a while, I isolate myself in my own world

Not all people are like that, many are actually not like that at all, it's a matter of people that you have met. I wish I knew that some time ago and just looked for company elsewhere instead of getting stuck on convincing these people that I care about them, but I'm not talkative and have a calm facial expression glued on. It's like... You know what piece of advice/information reached me the most? Someone has said that it takes two to make a friendship. If you do your best to be friendly, but they don't listen and try to understand, then that's on them.

 

[Chailatte_]

Not all people are like that, many are actually not like that at all, it's a matter of people that you have met. I wish I knew that some time ago and just looked for company elsewhere instead of getting stuck on convincing these people that I care about them, but I'm not talkative and have a calm facial expression glued on. It's like... You know what piece of advice/information reached me the most? Someone has said that it takes two to make a friendship. If you do your best to be friendly, but they don't listen and try to understand, then that's on them.

I think the same way, indeed if someone only wants to focus on my facial expression, that's not my responsibility! This is my expression. Anyway, they are not people I consider friends, they are "acquaintances"/friends of my partner (whom I did not seek out), and I feel sorry that he feels "caught in the middle." The closest people I get along with are over 60 years old, I guess at a certain age you rely less on how a person looks and focus more on what they have to offer and the respect they bring. The only exception is my best friend who is 4 years older than me (has ADHD) and her brother who is my age (on the spectrum and with ADHD).

 

[SPEED RACER]

Isolation and Depression

 

[Misty Avich]

Isolation. I remember watching a documentary about a little girl with a noticeably deformed face. Her classmates soon got used to her and accepted the way she was, and protected her from any bullies. And I wish my classmates did the same to me. They even KNEW about my diagnosis so I thought that would help with acceptance, but no, I wasn't worth it to them. If they'd included me more, I'd probably have found school much easier. Instead I had to navigate through school on my own, and that's what the other girls wanted. And people wonder why I'm resentful about having ASD.

 

[vergil96]

Anyway, they are not people I consider friends, they are "acquaintances"/friends of my partner (whom I did not seek out), and I feel sorry that he feels "caught in the middle."

I'm glad to hear they are not your immediate environment though. At least it's not a burning situation.

The closest people I get along with are over 60 years old, I guess at a certain age you rely less on how a person looks and focus more on what they have to offer and the respect they bring. The only exception is my best friend who is 4 years older than me (has ADHD) and her brother who is my age (on the spectrum and with ADHD).

I'm sorry to hear that. I also have the impression that interactions with my own age group are the most difficult. Perhaps people expect that you're going to be similar to them, and in a different group, accept that there are going to be differences? But it's just my rambling, I don't know. It happens quite often that neurodivergent people stick together - imo why not? We understand each other better, I think.

 

[Chailatte_]

I'm glad to hear they are not your immediate environment though. At least it's not a burning situation.


I'm sorry to hear that. I also have the impression that interactions with my own age group are the most difficult. Perhaps people expect that you're going to be similar to them, and in a different group, accept that there are going to be differences? But it's just my rambling, I don't know. It happens quite often that neurodivergent people stick together - imo why not? We understand each other better, I think.

I too believe we understand each other better. I guess the awareness that we don't like small talk drives us to engage in more meaningful discussions rather than just courtesy chats (as often expected by perhaps younger NTs). Many girls my age love to go out drinking, gossip, and their hobbies are going out or using social media (the only social platform I use is this one) or watching reality shows or talking about famous people. Since I don't follow this kind of entertainment, I find myself without topics to contribute to the conversation. Of course, it's my choice; I could definitely change to socialize better, but I'm not interested. That's why I often seem boring to my peers.

However, when I'm with NTs who have similar interests to mine, I manage to talk to them and keep the conversation going.

 

[thejuice]

Talking for myself here; not being interested was one of my egoic defenses against being bemused and lost amongst happy chatters at parties etc

Also not being in the clique im at a major disadvantage for chat topics. What I'm limited to is dull, generic topics or topics pertaining to the environment we're in or clues from their outward appearance. Conversation usually revolve around their cliques. You have to have friends to gossip after all.

 

[thejuice]

Isolation. I remember watching a documentary about a little girl with a noticeably deformed face. Her classmates soon got used to her and accepted the way she was, and protected her from any bullies. And I wish my classmates did the same to me. They even KNEW about my diagnosis so I thought that would help with acceptance, but no, I wasn't worth it to them. If they'd included me more, I'd probably have found school much easier. Instead I had to navigate through school on my own, and that's what the other girls wanted. And people wonder why I'm resentful about having ASD.

I think neurotype prejudice is one of the most invisible prejudices out there, as far as I'm aware no one seems to talk about it. I guess you'd call it 'ableism'. But Im not sure people picture a high functioning autistic when using that word. They probably picture someone charmingly eccentric from a television show like 'Dating on the Spectrum'.

If I was being even more cynical than usual I'd say protecting a girl with an obvious deformity on TV is easy social currency but that's probably over thinking a natural empathetic reaction, from one neurotypical to another.

 

[thejuice]

A lot of so called empathy is actually just sympathy. When it comes down to it, they're not able to put themselves in the shoes of a person different to them.

 

[vergil96]

Many girls my age love to go out drinking, gossip, and their hobbies are going out or using social media (the only social platform I use is this one) or watching reality shows or talking about famous people. Since I don't follow this kind of entertainment, I find myself without topics to contribute to the conversation

Idk if interest can be forced to such an extent that it comes across as "vibing" and being thought of as interesting and fun for someone who is interested in that thing. I know I can't fake it to that extent. I mean, you can fake an interest, but you won't "vibe" anyway. It seems to me like people bond over being excited about the same things. By the way, I also have that pain that a lot of people are interested in exactly the topics you have mentioned: drinking, gossip, going out, social media, reality TV, famous people. It's hard to bond if there is a lack of common interests. I tried to socialise in the LGBT+ community, gave up on it, but I seem to have an easy time socialising with IT people both at the university and elsewhere. There is a common interest and often neurotype as well. I have had more luck with socialising around some of my hobbies as well - not sports even though I love sports. Sports seem to attract the kind of people interested in gossip, going out and the TV as well.

 

[Misty Avich]

A lot of so called empathy is actually just sympathy. When it comes down to it, they're not able to put themselves in the shoes of a person different to them.

Have you ever heard of that really skinny woman on YouTube, unfairly called "the world's ug****t woman"? (I censored out the U word because that can be a triggering word and is really, really offensive even to me). I don't remember what her name is but she has had worse treatment from her peers and the general public than I ever had (although my bad treatment is bad enough). But I feel so sorry for her. Her deformity is visible, and yes it does sometimes startle me a little when I see a glimpse of her on YouTube, but I know that she is a human being with feelings, just like me. My heart goes out to her, and I don't get how people can be so cruel. She tries to brave it out and ignore the nasty comments but in one recent video it really got to her and she was crying, begging people to be kinder and respectful. It broke my heart. If I knew her in my life I wouldn't bully her or call her names. In fact I'd be friends with her, not out of pity but actual friends, as I'm willing to be anyone's friend if they give me the chance, and I'm sure she would.

 

[thejuice]

I know she gets bullied, definitely not the U word. Probably won't post name publicly as is.likely to cause heated debate.

 

[AprilR]

Other people's ignorance and the internalized ableism, self hatred that stems from that.