I want to escape from myself

[Fino]

omething I learned from observing various religious figures in my life (particularly my grandfather, who was a priest) is that something like this isnt about following some strict doctrine to the absolute letter and forcing yourself to read some stuffy book. Nothing WRONG with that, but in reality it's really about your actions. What you do for others and how you act in the world, and the strength of your faith.

Interestingly enough, without realizing it, you described what Christianity really consists of, unbeknownst to the general population and you ironically said it in opposition. You said, "What you do for others and how you act in the world, and the strength of your faith."

"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?”

And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”
-Matthew 22:36-40

You understand the Bible better than you thought!

 

[Thinx]

I don't believe God disapproves of gay relationships, or considers them 'sinful'. I don't expect God even uses the word 'sinful'. Who does nowadays?

 

[Fino]

I don't believe God disapproves of gay relationships, or considers them 'sinful'. I don't expect God even uses the word 'sinful'. Who does nowadays?

Almost everybody I know does. Really makes a difference who we choose to associate with!

 

[BrokenBoy]

You're right! I became Christian after that.

Wait so did you immediately go to church or something after the breakup? What happened?

 

[Wolfsage]

I don't believe God disapproves of gay relationships, or considers them 'sinful'. I don't expect God even uses the word 'sinful'. Who does nowadays?

Leviticus 18:22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them.

Deuteronomy 22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so [are] abomination unto the LORD thy God.

Checked with King James Version Bible Online and my own. They match.

 

[Thinx]

Leviticus 18:22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them.

Deuteronomy 22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so [are] abomination unto the LORD thy God.

Checked with King James Version Bible Online and my own. They match.

Nowadays God probably gets pretty bored with people quoting that old stuff.

My guess is God probably wants us all to sort out serious issues in the world such as war, famine and abuse, all of which are potentially solvable, rather than demonise other people's love lives.

 

[Metalhead]

Leviticus 18:22 Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it [is] abomination.

Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them.

Deuteronomy 22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so [are] abomination unto the LORD thy God.

Checked with King James Version Bible Online and my own. They match.

I don’t have to worry much about that these days. The Effexor that has been prescribed to me has transformed me into an asexual, and I feel OK with that for the time being. One less thing on my plate these days.

 

[Aspychata]

Nowadays God probably gets pretty bored with people quoting that old stuff.

My guess is God probably wants us all to sort out serious issues in the world such as war, famine and abuse, all of which are potentially solvable, rather than demonise other people's love lives.

Yes. I agree. Who we chose to lay down with is nobody's business. Let's solve the serious world issues instead of judging your love life.

 

[Fino]

Wait so did you immediately go to church or something after the breakup? What happened?

Haha, no, it was many years later and unrelated to the break-up. I was suicidally depressed for about a decade, attempted suicide twice, and then I happen to make friends with a Christian at a university I started attending. I hated religion but liked him. Long story short, during a prayer I didn't ask for or want, I saw a small white light come down from the top of the blackness of my closed eyes and down to the bottom then back up. The moment it left, I went from being suicidal to feeling joyful for the first time in many years, and I never experienced suicidality or serious depression again. But I had been so hostile to religion that it was still another three years before I actually became Christian.

 

[Metalhead]

Haha, no, it was many years later and unrelated to the break-up. I was suicidally depressed for about a decade, attempted suicide twice, and then I happen to make friends with a Christian at a university I started attending. I hated religion but liked him. Long story short, during a prayer I didn't ask for or want, I saw a small white light come down from the top of the blackness of my closed eyes and down to the bottom then back up. The moment it left, I went from being suicidal to feeling joyful for the first time in many years, and I never experienced suicidality or serious depression again. But I had been so hostile to religion that it was still another three years before I actually became Christian.

Thank you for sharing that.

I currently am trying to escape the vicious cycle of constantly remembering my past and thinking about my relationship with my blood family, and it is extremely difficult for me not to feel like a perpetual victim whenever I think about everything my mother has put me through in my life. Of course, I know I can find my own family outside of my bloodline. Accepting that I will never find a single shred of validation or even be thought of as an actual human being in my blood family, though, that is incredibly painful. My mother has convinced everybody else in the family that I live with severe cognitive disabilities, and she is always willing to put herself up on a cross to show how much she has suffered for my well being while at the same time dismissing everything that comes out of my mouth. I cannot change her at all, and given how her mother treated her, I can see where a lot of my mother’s behaviors come from.

 

[artful_aspie]

Drinkers are boring. Professor Sam Vankin who can be found on YouTube & has written widely on many subjects states that, alcoholics are narcissistic & make the choice to be intoxicated. Blaming it on some medical condition or genetic makeup just covers up their unwillingness to face their problems. Okay I am moving onto another topic. Glad people understand moving away from dysfunctional families is good. My family was toxic & only hurt themselves in the end - I am doing okay.

 

[BrokenBoy]

Thank you for sharing that.

I currently am trying to escape the vicious cycle of constantly remembering my past and thinking about my relationship with my blood family, and it is extremely difficult for me not to feel like a perpetual victim whenever I think about everything my mother has put me through in my life. Of course, I know I can find my own family outside of my bloodline. Accepting that I will never find a single shred of validation or even be thought of as an actual human being in my blood family, though, that is incredibly painful. My mother has convinced everybody else in the family that I live with severe cognitive disabilities, and she is always willing to put herself up on a cross to show how much she has suffered for my well being while at the same time dismissing everything that comes out of my mouth. I cannot change her at all, and given how her mother treated her, I can see where a lot of my mother’s behaviors come from.

Do you have any idea about what to do with your problem?

 

[Metalhead]

Do you have any idea about what to do with your problem?

Outside of saying, “Screw this,” and leaving it be, there is no solution to the problem involving my family. Of course, that is a lot easier said than done in this case. Some days I have it nailed, others I do not.

 

[Thinx]

Maybe think more about the inability and unwillingness of your mother and other relevant family to be any different. They are what they are. They got that way for reasons to do with their backgrounds and personalities. What will you choose?

Maybe also have a strategy for what to do if you start ruminating on them and how mean they are etc etc. Again, work out what the loving parent in you advises here? To me he sounds pretty clear that it's a waste of your time and energy to spend time on this issue.

But could he also maybe arrange some activities for you to express your feelings about their treatment of you? Or maybe mantras where you say stuff such as, ok, I m not wasting my precious time on you lot anymore, pipe down and go away all of you! Or similar. And do something active.

You have got away from your family. Now the task is to evict the versions of them that took up residence in your head. Byeee!

 

[artful_aspie]

Commonsensical thinking. These dysfunctional families exist as a way to feed their neurotic behaviours & are best escaped. I left mine to stew decades ago & never regretted it. There are several more billion people out there & believing only a family can support you belies the manipulation that many other abusers use to grab people into cliques, nefarious organizations, cults, & even political parties. Best to do some stuff for yourself. Of course they are tricky things to leave, suddenly someone will get 'ill', retributions will be threatened - been there, done that, Boring!

 

[artful_aspie]

It helps to be younger when you escape. The young are always invincible! If older then put a sharp point on your walking stick, wear studded boots, & think about a workable escape plan with at least two backup plans. Do not escape one part of a family & go to cousins or the like, that is heading for complications. I moved from the State & town I was in, even bought new clothes & things.

 

[Greatshield17]

I have more issues than Sports Illustrated, and more perversions than half the Internet - screw the other half, I am not quite there yet, but I still do not like what I have.

Alcohol and weed does not help. I have a God sized hole, I am willing to accept. I can turn to God for a few days, and all it takes is a bad day at work to get me back into my old ways. This is BS on my part. I am weak, I know it.

I feel a vast emptiness in my soul. No amount of dopamine can fill it up. No amount of alcohol or THC can fill it up. All of my material possessions mean absolutely nothing in the face of this. Sex means nothing. Only my close friendships and attempting a relationship with God means anything to me these days. But I cannot rely on myself for much of anything, it seems, and I hate myself because of that.

I am seesawing between a sense of enlightenment and a sense of existential nihilism. Maybe I am also bipolar on top of being autistic. Who knows?

I've read through this thread, it looks like you've already figured out where to go from here, I'll just give you my story and some advice.

As I mentioned on my thread I have struggled with a sexual addiction. That addiction was to a sexual perversion which may be on that "half of the internet" you've mentioned. It took me from my reversion back in July 2016, to October this year to finally be free from it, (though I hit a major turning point on January 18th, and I knew by then, that I would be free soon, and finally be finished with this struggle.) the key things for me were to both do everything and go all in, really trust in God, be honest with myself, pray and meditate and don't give up; the Rosary we Catholics pray is sometimes likened to a battering ram, because just as a battering needs to strike again and again to bring down the walls of an enemy fortress, so too does one need to say the Hail Mary over and over again and/or say the whole Rosary over and over again in order to take down a spiritual obstacle or enemy one is facing.

This leads to me to my two pieces advice I'll give you regarding your struggle, (in addition to the advice others on this thread have given you, I especially recommend the psychological advice) this will be spiritual in nature and involve sort of two different ends or sides of prayer; first, (you might already being doing this) I recommend practicing meditation or mental prayer and setting aside some time in your day to do it. Meditation will be helpful for you psychologically, it'll help you heal from your past wounds. Christian meditation doesn't involve emptying your mind or anything, it involves thinking about, focusing on, and talking to God over some aspect of the Faith, you can choose a scene from the Bible to meditate on, or you can thinking about talking to Jesus or God Himself. (If you like, I can look for and provide you with videos and material on mental prayer if you need more help.) The reason I have such a huge devotion to Mary, is because I myself had a bad relation with my mother growing up, so I often meditate on Her and being with Her and letting Her heal my wounds. The second piece of advice I want to give you is to try to get into the habit of saying this simple prayer:

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!
​

This is called The Jesus Prayer, it's a prayer that Eastern Christians say, (as well as Latin-Rite Catholics like myself.) they'll say it repeatedly (though not vainly, as Our Lord warned us against) in order to open themselves up to God's grace, and be mindful of his presence; it may help you deal with times difficulty and stress you may be in, as well as help you internalize your desire for God. You may not be open to the Rosary (although the Rosary is actually rather different from the practice I'm about to recommend) but you may want to consider getting a Chokti, and Eastern Christian prayer rope, and start saying the Jesus Prayer repeatedly like the Eastern Catholics and Eastern Orthodox and really get into the habit of it:

 

[Metalhead]

I've read through this thread, it looks like you've already figured out where to go from here, I'll just give you my story and some advice.

As I mentioned on my thread I have struggled with a sexual addiction. That addiction was to a sexual perversion which may be on that "half of the internet" you've mentioned. It took me from my reversion back in July 2016, to October this year to finally be free from it, (though I hit a major turning point on January 18th, and I knew by then, that I would be free soon, and finally be finished with this struggle.) the key things for me were to both do everything and go all in, really trust in God, be honest with myself, pray and meditate and don't give up; the Rosary we Catholics pray is sometimes likened to a battering ram, because just as a battering needs to strike again and again to bring down the walls of an enemy fortress, so too does one need to say the Hail Mary over and over again and/or say the whole Rosary over and over again in order to take down a spiritual obstacle or enemy one is facing.

This leads to me to my two pieces advice I'll give you regarding your struggle, (in addition to the advice others on this thread have given you, I especially recommend the psychological advice) this will be spiritual in nature and involve sort of two different ends or sides of prayer; first, (you might already being doing this) I recommend practicing meditation or mental prayer and setting aside some time in your day to do it. Meditation will be helpful for you psychologically, it'll help you heal from your past wounds. Christian meditation doesn't involve emptying your mind or anything, it involves thinking about, focusing on, and talking to God over some aspect of the Faith, you can choose a scene from the Bible to meditate on, or you can thinking about talking to Jesus or God Himself. (If you like, I can look for and provide you with videos and material on mental prayer if you need more help.) The reason I have such a huge devotion to Mary, is because I myself had a bad relation with my mother growing up, so I often meditate on Her and being with Her and letting Her heal my wounds. The second piece of advice I want to give you is to try to get into the habit of saying this simple prayer:

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!
​

This is called The Jesus Prayer, it's a prayer that Eastern Christians say, (as well as Latin-Rite Catholics like myself.) they'll say it repeatedly (though not vainly, as Our Lord warned us against) in order to open themselves up to God's grace, and be mindful of his presence; it may help you deal with times difficulty and stress you may be in, as well as help you internalize your desire for God. You may not be open to the Rosary (although the Rosary is actually rather different from the practice I'm about to recommend) but you may want to consider getting a Chokti, and Eastern Christian prayer rope, and start saying the Jesus Prayer repeatedly like the Eastern Catholics and Eastern Orthodox and really get into the habit of it:

Thanks for your input. I may as well admit what I meant by my perversions here, since I already admitted to them in the adult discussion forum. As a young boy, I longed for loving paternal attention which was completely absent in my life, and I eventually became willing to give my body for that sort of attention. My biological father was embarrassed by me, and my stepfather was the kind of alpha male figure who always looked for reasons to threaten me with physical violence. When I was in my teens and first discovered the Internet, I made myself available to many chickenhawks. I eventually became too old to keep their interest, and I have resented that ever since.

Now I am an active member in SAA. But it appears I have replaced my preoccupation with looking for a father/lover with a preoccupation with shopping, a preoccupation with drinking, and a preoccupation with sitting in front of my TV trying not to feel much of anything.

All the while, my mother is always telling me that I remember things much differently than they actually happened, that I was not bullied nonstop at school, that I had a life of vast privilege thanks to her. She is a viciously narcissistic woman. I cannot change her.

Yeah, I get it, I will never be young and beautiful again. I get that is a horribly shallow thing to be hung up over, as well.

 

[Metalhead]

I just really listened to the lyrics of this song, and they describe how I feel about myself perfectly. Posting it here instead of starting a new thread just for this.