I was asked out for the first time...

[Hidden]

Hi everyone.

I don't really know how to start.
About 3 days ago I was asked out for the first time (I'm 16). And now everything is going so wrong. The guy who did it is a friend - a really good one. We've known each other for about a year, but only recently have we become really good friends. At least, that's what I thought we were. I thought we were just becoming better friends - I didn't know he wanted to ask me out, I really didn't. And I'm so afraid this is my fault, because as a possible aspie (I'm not saying all aspies are like this or anything, I just read that it wasn't uncommon) I have no sense of, like boundaries? I don't know what behaviour is normal for a friend, or normal for someone who wants to be in a relationship. Thats why I didn't suspect anything. I just thought he was being an affectionate friend. And I'm worried if maybe I acted in a way that conveyed more than what I intended.
But anyway, he asked me out, and....I didn't exactly say I didn't want to date him. I told him I wasn't allowed, which is definitely true. But I don't want to date him, or anyone. I'm not ready, emotionally or mentally for a relationship. But I'm not sure I made that clear to him. And how DO you make that clear to someone without hurting them? And because I don't think I was very clear, he's not...backing off. Now I'm paying more attention I'm picking up on things, and I think he's still flirting. Which is another thing I have no concept of. And he's quite physically affectionate which I don't like from anyone, much less someone who has feelings that I don't share.

Please help - I don't know what to do.

H.

 

[Randomperson]

Start with the truth, truth always hurts far less then deception. Explain that you like him as your friend, explain that you also feel no where near ready for dating, definitely explain you have no tolerance for touchy feely crap (feel free to punch him if he persists). If you are comfortable even explain you think you might have high functioning autism and his advances are making you uncomfortable and putting your friendship in danger.

Now here is the part you prepare for, if he was a true and real friend, he will be fine with your truth, if he was a crappy friend he might get upset, if he was never your friend he will attempt to demean, belittle, and possibly demoralize you into further attempts at getting what he wants (99% of the time, in your pants). Worst case scenario, be ready to punch him in the throat, aim for the wind pipe, only takes a few pounds of pressure to put someone on the ground like that so just connect as solid as you can. Best case scenario, he is actually a decent person and real friend and understands.

 

[Nitro]

If this friend has you set in his sights for something more,explain that you are not ready for a relationship yet and offer no explanation as to why...if he is true to you in his heart,he will wait and understand...if his intentions are only for himself and not of yours,it would seem a very unhealthy beginning for a later dispute in a relationship. You will know if the time has arrived to take the next step and move forward. You may never develop feelings for a relationship,but you will still get to make that choice. Relationships are two sided streets and unless the traffic flows smoothly,there will be troubles. Both parties suffer in a head on collision. True friends will accept what their friends think or do no matter what happens and support them in their decisions. Is he a true friend or just looking for a conquest? You hold the key to that answer by making the move that makes you comfortable. Be your own person and true to your own heart,you are the one that matters the most.

 

[Wintertime]

Start with the truth, truth always hurts far less then deception. Explain that you like him as your friend, explain that you also feel no where near ready for dating, definitely explain you have no tolerance for touchy feely crap (feel free to punch him if he persists). If you are comfortable even explain you think you might have high functioning autism and his advances are making you uncomfortable and putting your friendship in danger.

Now here is the part you prepare for, if he was a true and real friend, he will be fine with your truth, if he was a crappy friend he might get upset, if he was never your friend he will attempt to demean, belittle, and possibly demoralize you into further attempts at getting what he wants (99% of the time, in your pants). Worst case scenario, be ready to punch him in the throat, aim for the wind pipe, only takes a few pounds of pressure to put someone on the ground like that so just connect as solid as you can. Best case scenario, he is actually a decent person and real friend and understands.

Please do not take this advice, and please especially do not punch anyone.

 

[Hidden]

Thanks for the advice.

Randomperson - thanks, yes truth is preferable. Scarier, but the best course of action. Unfortunately, worst case scenario is I can't do anything. He's a black belt; we actually train together, and yeah he pins me easily. but he's not a violent person, from what I've seen.

 

[Wintertime]

Do you have anyone in your life you could speak to about this? A teacher you get along with, or a guidance counsellor? It isn't easy but you are going to have to be firm with your boundaries or avoid him. I know it's difficult to do but it is so important. Don't worry about hurting his feelings, because there is no way to avoid it if you don't want the same thing he does. That's just a fact of life. As long as you aren't mean about it, you've done nothing wrong and it doesn't sound like you're a mean person. In fact, it sounds like you care about his feelings but only want yours respected as well. It just has to be clear.

 

[Sev]

I didn't exactly say I didn't want to date him. I told him I wasn't allowed

I think this the problem.
He might think that while you aren't allowed to date him, it doesn't necessarily mean you aren't interested in him in the same way he is interested in you. At least, that's where my adolescent male logic takes me.
I wouldn't suggest violence as a form of compensating for diplomatic negotiations either - I highly advice against this route of problem solving.
Simply say you aren't interested in dating him, or anyone else for that matter.
I think this is the first course of action (in my humble opinion).

 

[Hidden]

Sev - yes. I'm ashamed to say I didn't handle it very well. It was the first time anyone had asked me and I just.....didn't handle it well. Thanks.

 

[apsie]

If you think he's a good friend, do go easy on him.
I've been in similar situations and screwed them up, because I was to Blunt.
Take your time to talk to him, make sure you properly explain.
Treat the situation as if it were the other way around.

 

[Vanilla]

I know this situation all too well. The bottom line is, you can't give in to pressure.

If he is truly your friend, then he will not pressure you. Some people may use pressure, or guilt, to try to manipulate people in to a relationship. You don't owe him anything; remember that. Tell him you're not interested, and be clear. You may want to continue the friendship, it's up to you, but I would advise not seeing him anymore. You might not understand why I would say such a thing, and feel that this is mean, but if he is pressuring you, then you have to understand; he is infatuated with you, he is probably thinking about you day and night, 24/7. Being "just friends" is no longer good enough for him. While I don't know him, he may potentially say anything to try and get his way; especially if you're a nice person, as you're more likely to cave in if he is persistent. I have witnessed many "nice guys" cross this line; even if they regret it later. I've had guys admit to me that they simply couldn't help themselves. Of course, not all men are like this, but I'm just going by the situation you've provided.

A lot of women with AS have had problems with this situation, and I highly recommend reading this book for advice: Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

As a woman with AS as well, I recommend learning a little more about men. We can easily fall in to the trap of assuming men and women think alike; the fact is though, we're so different, and so you need to understand why he is acting the way he is. If you have a supportive friend, or family member, you feel you can talk to, I recommend asking for advice. If not, there is much information online. Googling things like "difference between men and women in dating", or even asking advice from men about how they perceive the situation, can be a big help, as we aren't always able to see the same things that men would in this situation. I've learned so much about men, from my guy friends, because they of course would be the ones to know how guys behave. A true guy friend will be honest, and will tell you things you never knew. I'm not trying to scare you here; men are human, and are not the enemy. We just need to learn how to respect, and understand, each other better

 

[Nitro]

I know this situation all too well. The bottom line is, you can't give in to pressure.

If he is truly your friend, then he will not pressure you. Some people may use pressure, or guilt, to try to manipulate people in to a relationship. You don't owe him anything; remember that. Tell him you're not interested, and be clear. You may want to continue the friendship, it's up to you, but I would advise not seeing him anymore. You might not understand why I would say such a thing, and feel that this is mean, but if he is pressuring you, then you have to understand; he is infatuated with you, he is probably thinking about you day and night, 24/7. Being "just friends" is no longer good enough for him. While I don't know him, he may potentially say anything to try and get his way; especially if you're a nice person, as you're more likely to cave in if he is persistent. I have witnessed many "nice guys" cross this line; even if they regret it later. I've had guys admit to me that they simply couldn't help themselves. Of course, not all men are like this, but I'm just going by the situation you've provided.

A lot of women with AS have had problems with this situation, and I highly recommend reading this book for advice: Aspergirls: Empowering Females With Asperger Syndrome | AspiesCentral.com

As a woman with AS as well, I recommend learning a little more about men. We can easily fall in to the trap of assuming men and women think alike; the fact is though, we're so different, and so you need to understand why he is acting the way he is. If you have a supportive friend, or family member, you feel you can talk to, I recommend asking for advice. If not, there is much information online. Googling things like "difference between men and women in dating", or even asking advice from men about how they perceive the situation, can be a big help, as we aren't always able to see the same things that men would in this situation. I've learned so much about men, from my guy friends, because they of course would be the ones to know how guys behave. A true guy friend will be honest, and will tell you things you never knew. I'm not saying trying to scare you here; men are human, and are not the enemy. We just need to learn how to respect, and understand, each other better

Well put Vanilla...much better than my explanation

 

[icesyckel]

...I thought we were just becoming better friends - I didn't know he wanted to ask me out, I really didn't. And I'm so afraid this is my fault, because as a possible aspie (I'm not saying all aspies are like this or anything, I just read that it wasn't uncommon) I have no sense of, like boundaries? I don't know what behaviour is normal for a friend, or normal for someone who wants to be in a relationship. Thats why I didn't suspect anything. I just thought he was being an affectionate friend. And I'm worried if maybe I acted in a way that conveyed more than what I intended.

Even if you only conveyed friendship, that could generate a romantic interest, which really isn't a big deal. People "fall for" their friends all the time. This has pros and cons I won't get into, as you've clearly decided you are not interested in being anything but friends.

Like others have said - just be straight and honest with him, but be gentle if you wish to go on being friends. Often, this is not possible. This is one natural progression friendship can take: friend falls for other friend, who does not reciprocate the romantic interest, and friendship ends due to an inability to reconcile different goals for the relationship. One wants a platonic friendship, and the other wants a romance. Either one of you can compromise, or the relationship will likely end.

This is sad, but part of life is learning there are situations where compromise is either impossible or too costly. You don't want romance, and presumably you aren't prepared to compromise (and I'm not saying you should - your choice), so either he can compromise and settle for friendship, or he cannot.

Few friendships last forever. Enjoy them while you have them, I say.

But anyway, he asked me out, and....I didn't exactly say I didn't want to date him. I told him I wasn't allowed, which is definitely true.

This was only partially true. You took a literally true statement and left him thinking that was your only motive. Few people would be dissuaded from romance by rules alone. I mean, consider that Romeo & Juliet is probably one of the most popular romance stories for a reason.

But I don't want to date him, or anyone. I'm not ready, emotionally or mentally for a relationship. But I'm not sure I made that clear to him.

I am quite sure you did not make that clear to him unless you said this to him. He's not Professor X, right? But he probably isn't a fragile flower, either. Human beings, men especially (imho), tend to bounce back from emotional pain and sooner than you might think. In trying to spare someone's feelings in this fashion, I have found you are more likely to hurt them worse in the end.

Besides, you aren't his guardian angel. It is not in the job description of a friend to shield other friends from all emotional pain and suffering, especially when that pain is the result of knowing the truth. Generally speaking, I think friends owe friends truth in such matters.

And how DO you make that clear to someone without hurting them?

You don't. You don't have to be a jerk, but give it to him straight as politely as you can without sacrificing the clarity of the message: "I really am not interested in dating you." If he asks why, and if you know, then tell him. If you are a friend, then you should give him a reason if you can sort your motives/feelings out. Strangers you don't owe anything, but if you're his friend, then give him a real answer. Of course, you are within your rights to withhold a reason, but then forget any chance of him wanting to stay friends. Again, that isn't "wrong" per se - there are just consequences to how you handle things.

And because I don't think I was very clear, he's not...backing off.

Nor should he if you haven't clearly expressed your feelings - if he gave this up without a clear answer from you, then he was lying about his feelings for you. People don't just walk away from someone they deeply care about without a clear "no."

Now I'm paying more attention I'm picking up on things, and I think he's still flirting. Which is another thing I have no concept of. And he's quite physically affectionate which I don't like from anyone, much less someone who has feelings that I don't share. Please help - I don't know what to do.

If you are experiencing unwanted touching, then you really need to heed the advice I and others are giving: be straight with him as soon as possible. There really is no easy way to do this, so short and true is the best method. Don't offer details/reasons unless he asks for them. When he does, try to state your reasons plainly and concisely without overdoing it.

Lastly, if you don't know your reasons, then I would put off your next meeting with him until you have sorted them out. If I didn't know why I wasn't attracted to someone, or if I could not articulate my reason, then I wouldn't feel certain that I wasn't attracted to someone. I'd think I was in the midst of confusion/indecision until that changed. If that is the case, then tell him that.

 

[Sylar]

Just be honest but kind. If you think of him as a close friend or think he can become one if you both get over this incident just explain to him that you have Asperger's and you don't know if you were sending signals or not but either way you aren't interested in that kind of relationship and just want to be friends. Just make sure you're clear to him without being blunt and allow him the time to figure out if he can still be friends with you while or if he would find it too hard to be around you while he still has romantic feelings.

The important thing is to be clear about it. Figure out how you feel before telling him. Can you see yourself feeling the same way about him when you're ready? If nothing will ever happen let him know, don't avoid the issue and leave him waiting. That's just bad for both of you.

 

[epath13]

The fact that you are on the spectrum may but don't have to be a reason that you haven't recognized the "signs". Plenty of people, on the spectrum or not, don't always see if somebody's interested. Just be honest, tell him how you feel and let it go. When and if he's going to make a big deal out of, then you deal with it. Try not to overthink it too much. It happens to a lot of people, not just Aspies.

 

[icesyckel]

The important thing is to be clear about it. Figure out how you feel before telling him. Can you see yourself feeling the same way about him when you're ready? If nothing will ever happen let him know, don't avoid the issue and leave him waiting. That's just bad for both of you.

This is very well put.

 

[Lukas]

Hi everyone.

I don't really know how to start.
About 3 days ago I was asked out for the first time (I'm 16). And now everything is going so wrong. The guy who did it is a friend - a really good one. We've known each other for about a year, but only recently have we become really good friends. At least, that's what I thought we were. I thought we were just becoming better friends - I didn't know he wanted to ask me out, I really didn't. And I'm so afraid this is my fault, because as a possible aspie (I'm not saying all aspies are like this or anything, I just read that it wasn't uncommon) I have no sense of, like boundaries? I don't know what behaviour is normal for a friend, or normal for someone who wants to be in a relationship. Thats why I didn't suspect anything. I just thought he was being an affectionate friend. And I'm worried if maybe I acted in a way that conveyed more than what I intended.
But anyway, he asked me out, and....I didn't exactly say I didn't want to date him. I told him I wasn't allowed, which is definitely true. But I don't want to date him, or anyone. I'm not ready, emotionally or mentally for a relationship. But I'm not sure I made that clear to him. And how DO you make that clear to someone without hurting them? And because I don't think I was very clear, he's not...backing off. Now I'm paying more attention I'm picking up on things, and I think he's still flirting. Which is another thing I have no concept of. And he's quite physically affectionate which I don't like from anyone, much less someone who has feelings that I don't share.

Please help - I don't know what to do.

H.

Greetings!

My thoughts are... just be yourself... up-front and honest from the start... and try to look at it as two friends sharing some time together... and perhaps mentioning that to your date would not hurt either. Try not to worry about the details... they will fall into place on their own..

Good luck and enjoy yourself!

 

[Hidden]

Thanks everyone!
The more I think about it, the more I realise that it's likely he thinks I want to date, and that I just can't because of my parents. I'm such an idiot.
But I think things may have changed slightly - when we sat down to go over some class stuff, he sat across from me instead of beside me, which would have given him opportunity to put his arm around me which he was doing quite often. He also terminated a text conversation we were having for the first time - usually it's me that says I have to go.
The only difference I can think of that would cause this is I'm being a bit more obvious that I don't like the physical contact, by casually extracting my hand from his, or moving slightly away when he attempts a side-hug. I feel horrible because what if he's just acting like a friend? The thing that's holding me back from bringing up the whole relationship thing is my uncertainty of it; I am truly unable to tell if he's accepted friendship or not. He's quite...sensitive (as in like he's careful not to hurt feelings) so maybe he's just one of those people who enjoys physical affection and hugs amongst friends?

 

[Hidden]

I think it's okay now!! I'm so relieved, we had The Talk. We were texting last night, and he just brought it up with a question about "what I think about him". It threw me, but I answered honestly. And in return he told me honestly how he felt about me. I also told him quite bluntly that I need honestly because I can not pick up hints or clues - and he obliged. I told him I felt really bad, but I was only interested in being friends, and he I think was a bit subdued about it, but accepted it well. Time will tell, I don't see him in a social environment until monday. But it went well, I'm SO relieved.

 

[Judge]

I think it's okay now!! I'm so relieved, we had The Talk. We were texting last night, and he just brought it up with a question about "what I think about him". It threw me, but I answered honestly. And in return he told me honestly how he felt about me. I also told him quite bluntly that I need honestly because I can not pick up hints or clues - and he obliged. I told him I felt really bad, but I was only interested in being friends, and he I think was a bit subdued about it, but accepted it well. Time will tell, I don't see him in a social environment until monday. But it went well, I'm SO relieved.

You communicated. This is good- whatever the outcome.