On Tuesday and Wednesday I accompanied my spouse to the University of Michigan Medical Campus for diagnostic procedures to clear her for knee surgery. I was an undergrad there and this represented a terrible time in my life. I started ruminating about my experience and that dredged up some very hard memories. Back then, in the late 60s, early 70s, nobody, including myself, had an inkling that I am autistic. I never felt that I belonged yet I seemed to have normal desires for social and intimate relationships.
Being autistic does not mean that we are blind or unobservant. I could see the ease of people in friendships or those who were sexually active and at the time contrasting what I saw in myself made me feel damaged and useless. This did impact my studies. I could never understand why nobody noticed me except in the negative. I started to feel angry so I dug deep to understand some of my little victories. I recognize that the one person who made a difference in my life, my spouse, was able to notice me, liked what she saw and we fell in love that has lasted for 47 years (this June), plus I had the privilege to do research in molecular genetics under the wing of Dr. David Friedman and was published. These were positives yet I wonder why for so long I felt damaged, unwanted, undesirable. I am a very experiential person and the lack of normal human experiences still bothers me. While I could see that, I just decided that I cannot relitigate the past and put my energies into supporting my spouse and driving through a major winter storm of lake-effect snow (14 inches) to get us home safely.
Being autistic does not mean that we are blind or unobservant. I could see the ease of people in friendships or those who were sexually active and at the time contrasting what I saw in myself made me feel damaged and useless. This did impact my studies. I could never understand why nobody noticed me except in the negative. I started to feel angry so I dug deep to understand some of my little victories. I recognize that the one person who made a difference in my life, my spouse, was able to notice me, liked what she saw and we fell in love that has lasted for 47 years (this June), plus I had the privilege to do research in molecular genetics under the wing of Dr. David Friedman and was published. These were positives yet I wonder why for so long I felt damaged, unwanted, undesirable. I am a very experiential person and the lack of normal human experiences still bothers me. While I could see that, I just decided that I cannot relitigate the past and put my energies into supporting my spouse and driving through a major winter storm of lake-effect snow (14 inches) to get us home safely.
