if friendship is transient, what's the point?

[Soup]

I couldn't agree more, Biblio. There's nothing like a hypercritical person who tries to control your life & undermine your confidence. Referring to them as toxic is 100% accurate. With many toxins, there are antidotes & treatments. Once some toxic person wrecks someone's self-esteem, the damage is enduring: sometimes, there IS no cure & either way, it leaves psychological scars. This is true not just of romances but also with friendships. Look how upset that woman from work has left Arashi. Several others here have left forums they once enjoyed because someone they thought was a friend turned on them suddenly.

 

[Historianthomas]

You have to be selective with friends and lovers. I've learned the hard way that second and third chances are a bad idea. If anyone tries to bring me down or criticizes me a lot, I cut them from my life. Having some one in my life just for the sake of not being alone isn't worth a toxic relationship.

Hi my name is Thomas. I am new to this group. I totally agree with being selective. From my experience, sometimes even with all the facts you gather about someone, you have to trust that he or she will not hurt you. I just learned that lately. It is scary, but I find the having people in your life that care about you means a whole lot. I feel more confident that I have a support system.

 

[Ste11aeres]

True friendship can really exist, but it's a rare thing.

 

[Myself]

I'm still waiting to hear the sound of the tardis lol

I find that friendship is an illusion mostly. All human interaction seems to be about nothing more than not offending other people, which means we all live in this massive illusion of niceness. I hate being false or dishonest and that just seems so dishonest.

The other day I ran into someone at the shops who I detest. And we exchanged a friendly hello. I felt so feral afterwards because I have just been so automatic with my response of niceness almost like I was trying to one up said person. I know this person I ran into would only be interested in learning stuff about me to gossip about (she has tried to hit up my husband for said information because they happen to work together). I just feel that this world is false because we cannot be who we want to be.

And therefore that reason makes friendships transient I believe. We go into a relationship (friendship what ever) with an illusion and when that illusion fails, we see what is really beneath. I think most people can't tolerate truth. So they wrap themselves in an illusion of reality. I'm glad I'm an aspie and that I can see and deal with truth because I ultimately don't want to deal with illusion.

Acting that way made her think that she doesn't bother you. It was a blow to her self-esteem. Good on ya.

 

[Myself]

If someone turns into a friend, just go with it. Nothing is permanent anyway. I have had several friends over the years and now I haven't seen them in a really long time. I enjoyed hanging around with them at the time and I have no negative feelings now that I haven't spoken with them in decades. Friendships don't have to be life-long commitments. At least I don't think so.

Maybe I don't know the actual meaning of friendship...whatever; at least I'm not sad about it now. That's worth something.

 

[Historianthomas]

If someone turns into a friend, just go with it. Nothing is permanent anyway. I have had several friends over the years and now I haven't seen them in a really long time. I enjoyed hanging around with them at the time and I have no negative feelings now that I haven't spoken with them in decades. Friendships don't have to be life-long commitments. At least I don't think so.

Maybe I don't know the actual meaning of friendship...whatever; at least I'm not sad about it now. That's worth something.

Each friendship is special and unique in its own way. Think of them like snowflakes.

 

[Mellotron]

True friendship can really exist, but it's a rare thing.

I agree with this. I think that it is possible to have a real friend but its likely only to be like 1 or 2 real friends. The rest are people you hang out with for lack of better things to do but if you needed something or life got tough they'd scatter. The real friends seem to be the only ones worth having as rare as they may be.

 

[asnlifecoach]

Life is full of meetings and partings. I believe every meeting holds meaning and value.

 

[Cyanide Lollipop]

Life is full of meetings and partings. I believe every meeting holds meaning and value.

Absolutely! I've learned some very important principles from people who have not remained in my life for very long at all and I'm a better person for it. My mother thinks in black and white. She is always right and everyone else is wrong. I was raised the same way and if I stayed in the small town in which I was raised, I would probably be the same even today. My transient friends have broadened my horizons, helped me to blend in easier and encouraged me to see things from other peoples' points of view. As a result I have become more understanding of the difficulties that other people face. We want acceptance for who we are, so it is only fair that we also accept differences in other people (within reason, providing they aren't hurting anyone else).

 

[NTWife]

It really doesn't need to be that adversarial. Couldn't it just be the OP here is really just a nice person? Not everything has to have some "hidden dig" or "hidden meaning". Not everything and every interaction has to be about "one-upping" the other person.

 

[Neat Hedgehog]

imo, the point is one of experience. For example, not only were most of my "friendships" transient, they ended with said "friends" screwing me over in some form or another and I would now enjoy seeing each of them struck by a bus. I am still glad I met them, though I no longer have any pleasant memories of them, simply because now I now what to look out for, and that particular situation will not arise again.

The decent "friendships" I do not miss, as I always knew they would end, but at least they are not unpleasant memories.

So what's the point? Live and learn, and try to have a decent time. Same point as to why we do anything, I'd say.

 

[Historianthomas]

imo, the point is one of experience. For example, not only were most of my "friendships" transient, they ended with said "friends" screwing me over in some form or another and I would now enjoy seeing each of them struck by a bus. I am still glad I met them, though I no longer have any pleasant memories of them, simply because now I now what to look out for, and that particular situation will not arise again.

The decent "friendships" I do not miss, as I always knew they would end, but at least they are not unpleasant memories.

So what's the point? Live and learn, and try to have a decent time. Same point as to why we do anything, I'd say.

I use to think that too. I never had any friends in high school nor any in college. All I had were classmates who asked me to help them with homework. It was only with a chance encounter at work with my close friend did it change. I decided to open up to her. For me it was a life changing event. This helped me and my relationship with my girlfriend.

Is it risky? Yes, absolutely. Would it hurt if you choose wrongly or if you friend ends the friendship? Yes. But, one thing I learned from my friendship is that it is absolutely nice to feel I have people to turn to if life deals me a blow. I love my friend very much for all she has done for me. And even if the friendship does not last, I will never forget her.

 

[Clarification]

I agree with you, but not for that reason alone. Once I hit high school, I looked back at middle school and realized that my friends were a huge negative influence on me - my GPA was almost less than 2.8 ... really, super low. I thought to myself, "I need new, better friends!" but I thought again, and wondered where can I get really good friends, and how will I find them in the future (after graduating college, etc). I realized, that I should not rely on others. That, I wanted to be independent. I sit alone at lunch, saying "no" to people that want to sit next to me (aka "friends), and restricting myself from talking to them too much. Right now I have a 3.7 GPA, which is okay, I guess, but a nice improvement. I really need and want to be independent. I love being alone and realized that's all I ever wanted all my life.
Another thing that sort of contributes but doesn't aid my decision that much, was that I only make friends with girls. I was and am never comfortable around boys, and every time I think about trying to make a guy a friend, he would obviously think I like him, or I'm scared he would like me (and he would TRY things with me). This resulted in my all-girl-friends situation. And a few years ago where I learned that girls can LIKE OTHER GIRLS, I was really put back about making any more friends. Girls would think that I LIKE THEM (I do not like girls) or I'm scared - no, TERRIFIED that a girl might like me! It's sort of disgusting - "love".