I'll start university soon and I want to make friends, do you have any tips?

[Ronald Zeeman]

The only times I really enjoyed school was my grade thirteen classes and my years in college.

 

[jleeb05]

My college experience was when I finally started making friends. I agree with others who have indicated that your peers will likely be in the same boat and friendships might develop naturally, especially if you live on campus.

I made a group of friends during my freshman year and it later imploded. I took two major lessons from that experience.

1) Play it cool. Given that this was my first real group of friends I fixated on them, on one friend in particular. I think they found this a bit overwhelming. It's natural for friends in college to spend a lot of time together but try not to invest all your time/energy into any one person or group.

2) Be flexible. I was very rigid in my thinking and my activities. If my friends wanted to do something that was not of interest to me I would just refuse to participate or I would sit in the corner and pout. I wish I had been more willing to compromise and pursue their interests.

 

[CrazyInTrains]

Dpending what you are majoring in, many programs would be full of fellow Aspies Engineering would be a good example. Likes likes like.

Biomedicin, so it's not unlikely! I'll hope for the best!

Don't know if it would work for you, but at my college I found a tactic where I would force myself be as socially assertive as I could for a short duration, enough just to get people interested in me. After this, the other socially awkward people would start to gravitate towards me like an Aspie bugzapper.

For example, if I was giving a project, I was confident in my own knowledge and found it easier to speak up and be loud about it. This would draw attention and people would figure me out by watching my mannerisms. Then you wait for other people to give a project, and watch if they're quiet like you. Then after class try and approach them about said project and use it as an icebreaker. Because you put yourself out there earlier, these otherwise quiet people find it easier to open up, and the chance of a friendship forming from the following conversation would increase. This tactic has to be adapted to whatever situation you may find yourself in, but it has the highest success rate of anything I've ever tried.

Consider friend making a game with strategies and tactics. At least looking at it that way helped me.

Oooh, that's not a bad idea! Thanks!

Agreed. Go along and try the meeting. Everybody will be new and getting to know each other.

Going to the Union was a good idea in my day. The union also had cheap food, and you met others there too. Alcohol was certainly an option, but not a requirement.

All the best.

I will! I think their restaurant went bankrupt two years ago tho ... Thanks!

If you are going to live in a dorm, you'll naturally make friends, as these people will live with you from day to day. Even though I was very shy, just by living in close proximity, I met many amazing people when I was at Job Corps (a residential trade school program in the USA) and they are still my lifelong friends.

There's no dorms here at all, so nope. Kind of sad, but probably good for me over all. I'll live with my parents.

I will tell you how i made friends in my first Bachelor and what i have understood about how you can make friends at college.

I tried to be outgoing, relaxed(as much as possible) and sat at first rows of the auditorium. At first rows sit students who pay attention,they might be more reserved and more geeks than students sitting in the last 3 rows.
You can try sitting in different places eg. In the middle, or in the last rows and you will observe what type of students are gathered.

Don't forget the student clubs and unions as other memebers have forementioned.

Last but not least, be yourself, meaning be authentic don't try to be someone else, in order to be more likable.

College is much cooler and better experience than school. Have a great start!

I will try that! It's smart a way! Thanks!

No. My college experience was a repeat of my previous school experience. I expected people to be more mature but it was just more of the same BS. A nightmare from which there was no escape as I lived in a dorm. I wish I could be more encouraging. I really do. It partly led to my leaving school in my third semester. The social difficulties impacted my ability to learn. I found different ways to get my education that did not involve traditional learning scenarios and met my educational goals despite that experience. I hope your experience is far more positive and beneficial than mine was.

I'm sorry for you, and thank you!

The only times I really enjoyed school was my grade thirteen classes and my years in college.

I'm sorry for you!

My college experience was when I finally started making friends. I agree with others who have indicated that your peers will likely be in the same boat and friendships might develop naturally, especially if you live on campus.

I made a group of friends during my freshman year and it later imploded. I took two major lessons from that experience.

1) Play it cool. Given that this was my first real group of friends I fixated on them, on one friend in particular. I think they found this a bit overwhelming. It's natural for friends in college to spend a lot of time together but try not to invest all your time/energy into any one person or group.

2) Be flexible. I was very rigid in my thinking and my activities. If my friends wanted to do something that was not of interest to me I would just refuse to participate or I would sit in the corner and pout. I wish I had been more willing to compromise and pursue their interests.

Oh, that's important, don't be too much, I'd probably be good at hanging around them too much
Yes, I will try to do stuff other want and not only what I want (or think I only want by refusing trying new stuff.) Thanks!

 

[Danielle Sisco]

I'm sure this has been asked many times before, but I haven't really found much when searching.


I've figured out some important points:

• TaLk To pEoPlE! It's obvious even for me now, if I don't talk with anyone they won't become my friends in any way.
• Don't sit in a corner avoiding people, and don't use ear defenders in hallways too much.
• Sit "next" to others in the classrooms to show that you don't fear them (I suppose), I've even not asked for a reserved seat in a corner, to force me to sit with others to not seem like a weirdo in the corner, even thought that may cause me a lot of stress and anxiety, but I hope it's worth it.
• Try to eat lunch with others.

Do any of you have more ideas?

I like to offer some pointers I wished were told to me before I started my higher education, albeit early 2000s but whatever...

1) As excited as you will, no doubt, be excited about is your course of study. As tempting as it is, refrain from discussing ANYTHING about the classes or coursework outside of classroom hours with your peers. If you must share, share within the classroom during lecture or lab time. If your peers are listening to the lecture, and there minds are on the topic, they will welcome the conversation. Outside of that setting and NTs don't do well with the brainy academic stuff. I was told I sounded like the professors during a lunch time hang session. At the time I thought it was a compliment, but it was not in terms of social success. That group made excuses for why I couldn't sit with them until I stopped trying. Never spoke to them again.

2) Do talk about the superficial stuff like the current social events, even if you have no plans to attend one. And do pretend to at least be interest in the student union so you can have material to conversate with. Even though we hate talking small talk and think gossip is the most awful thing in the world, NT people prefer them over deep conversations. Once you've made friends and kept them for awhile, the conversations may go more your way but be patient. NTs will be interested in your stuff if they are interested in you as a person first. And this can take months or be quick... all depends on your friendship interest.

3) Any special interest? Make sure you downplay it, A LOT..... or start a club and attempt to attract other ASD with similar interest. We all have to have a place to go unhinged about how great our interest are. But, remember, the NT interest is in collecting mostly superficial information about people. This does include hobbies and interest. But unless they share that interest at the same intensity, it'll be only 5% of the information they will collect from you. Let it be only 5% of what you talk about.

4) Which brings me to this tip; Make them laugh, even if you have to memorize funny jokes. NT people like to laugh at "self-defecating humor" because it sets them at east with their own social faux pas. If you have access to Netflix, I highly suggest watching Hannah Gadsby. She's an autistic stand up comedian and she does very well with showing self-respect with just a hint of making fun of some of her social blunders. She makes friends because of this. You can be more yourself and allows peers to be less judgmental and more friendly. If it made them laugh and made them feel good then the person that made them feel that way is a valued friend.

5) And my final point, at NO expense to your self-worth or self-esteem or valued time, make time to purposedly do favors for people. The more favors you do, the larger your friendship fund with grow. We don't want to get in the trap of buying our friends, but let's face it..... friendships are bought through favors be it like RULE 4 or through a nice gesture. Even just offering counts. Just like within biology is the study of ecology. And ecology is basically the currency nature uses to give and take. Our ecology means to be there for others.... even when we want them to be their for us. Can't cultivate friendships without first cultivating the ecology between two or more humans.

I hope hope hope I did not cross a line. These are the rules that I wished I followed in college. I'm sure I would have kept a friendship or two from college had I followed these rules. Lots of emotionally pain I had experienced from doing the opposite. Now my college days are done. And making friends after college is harder, even for NTS.

I studied environmental ecology, human anatomy and physiology and psychology.


edit* And apparently my grammar is slipping the further from school I grow LOL I so wish I could go back and learn something new.

 

[CrazyInTrains]

I like to offer some pointers I wished were told to me before I started my higher education, albeit early 2000s but whatever...

1) As excited as you will, no doubt, be excited about is your course of study. As tempting as it is, refrain from discussing ANYTHING about the classes or coursework outside of classroom hours with your peers. If you must share, share within the classroom during lecture or lab time. If your peers are listening to the lecture, and there minds are on the topic, they will welcome the conversation. Outside of that setting and NTs don't do well with the brainy academic stuff. I was told I sounded like the professors during a lunch time hang session. At the time I thought it was a compliment, but it was not in terms of social success. That group made excuses for why I couldn't sit with them until I stopped trying. Never spoke to them again.

2) Do talk about the superficial stuff like the current social events, even if you have no plans to attend one. And do pretend to at least be interest in the student union so you can have material to conversate with. Even though we hate talking small talk and think gossip is the most awful thing in the world, NT people prefer them over deep conversations. Once you've made friends and kept them for awhile, the conversations may go more your way but be patient. NTs will be interested in your stuff if they are interested in you as a person first. And this can take months or be quick... all depends on your friendship interest.

3) Any special interest? Make sure you downplay it, A LOT..... or start a club and attempt to attract other ASD with similar interest. We all have to have a place to go unhinged about how great our interest are. But, remember, the NT interest is in collecting mostly superficial information about people. This does include hobbies and interest. But unless they share that interest at the same intensity, it'll be only 5% of the information they will collect from you. Let it be only 5% of what you talk about.

4) Which brings me to this tip; Make them laugh, even if you have to memorize funny jokes. NT people like to laugh at "self-defecating humor" because it sets them at east with their own social faux pas. If you have access to Netflix, I highly suggest watching Hannah Gadsby. She's an autistic stand up comedian and she does very well with showing self-respect with just a hint of making fun of some of her social blunders. She makes friends because of this. You can be more yourself and allows peers to be less judgmental and more friendly. If it made them laugh and made them feel good then the person that made them feel that way is a valued friend.

5) And my final point, at NO expense to your self-worth or self-esteem or valued time, make time to purposely do favors for people. The more favors you do, the larger your friendship fund with grow. We don't want to get in the trap of buying our friends, but let's face it..... friendships are bought through favors be it like RULE 4 or through a nice gesture. Even just offering counts. Just like within biology is the study of ecology. And ecology is basically the currency nature uses to give and take. Our ecology means to be there for others.... even when we want them to be their for us. Can't cultivate friendships without first cultivating the ecology between two or more humans.

I hope hope hope I did not cross a line. These are the rules that I wished I followed in college. I'm sure I would have kept a friendship or two from college had I followed these rules. Lots of emotionally pain I had experienced from doing the opposite. Now my college days are done. And making friends after college is harder, even for NTS. [sic!]

I studied environmental ecology, human anatomy and physiology and psychology.


edit* And apparently my grammar is slipping the further from school I grow LOL I so wish I could go back and learn something new.

1. Oh, I'd never thought of that ... Thanks! That would probably be a common and huge mistake I would've done I'm very sorry for you.

2. Oh, I'd better try to be on the look out for such information!

3. Hehe... yes, I noticed that in 5th grade when no one what so ever wanted to hear about trains ... I don't plan to talk about it at all really.

4. Humm... I need to work on my jokes. I like to have fun but it's rarely anyone else than me that find them fun I'll definitly watch Hannah Gadsby!

5. Could you explain this again ... I'm confused, sorry. Do you mean, don't buy friends via favours, but you get friends via favours? Is it like be kind to people, but don't do anything more than they would do to you, and no economical benefits (direct nor indirect) for them. Like, borrow them a pen if they need one once, but don't buy a box for them?

Thanks! That's some good advice!
I'm sorry that you learned this the hard way.

 

[ForestGumpett]

Brush your teeth a lot and take daily baths. Clean is good, don’t put on offensive strong potions for the sent, it’s not always good to everyone and some are allergic. I stopped dating a really nice guy because of this, the sent he put on was sickening. I didn’t have the guts at that young age to say anything so I just stopped dating him.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I remember a lot of women years ago liked this one scent but so did the company that made raid, I'm suprised how many did not make the connection. do not make youself smell like bug spray.

 

[CrazyInTrains]

Brush your teeth a lot and take daily baths. Clean is good, don’t put on offensive strong potions for the sent, it’s not always good to everyone and some are allergic. I stopped dating a really nice guy because of this, the sent he put on was sickening. I didn’t have the guts at that young age to say anything so I just stopped dating him.

How much is a lot? An hour per day?
I suppose a shower would be sufficient, like ... I've no bathtub ...
I don't like smells either, and I prefer no smell/sent at all. I've a neighbour who's not afraid of smelling perfume so to speak ... all of the stairwell smells when he has passed through ...
Important to remember! Thanks!

I remember a lot of women years ago liked this one scent but so did the company that made raid, I'm suprised how many did not make the connection. do not make youself smell like bug spray.

That's hilarious! It'd probably have been a lot cheaper to use bug spray than buying the perfume tho
And I promise, I won't smell bugspray!

Edit: I don't know the difference between door and stair apparently, it should be stairwell, not door well.

 

[Danielle Sisco]

5. Could you explain this again ... I'm confused, sorry. Do you mean, don't buy friends via favours, but you get friends via favours? Is it like be kind to people, but don't do anything more than they would do to you, and no economical benefits (direct nor indirect) for them. Like, borrow them a pen if they need one once, but don't buy a box for them?

Thanks! That's some good advice!
I'm sorry that you learned this the hard way.

What I mean is that (most) people will always remember the nice things you have done for them OR the nice way you made them feel about themselves. Do favors for them. Do try to make them feel good about themselves. This way, when you want to get away with showing some aspie personality they will be welcoming and attempt to make you feel good as well. I've learned a little while ago that because I'm annoying to NTs that I can make friends better if I physically communicated my interest to them such as giving them a ride to the store or asking if I can bring back something for them. So yeah, I guess buying friends with favors. It's what you put in is what you will get back. If you don't get it back, then the person was a simple jerk. Period! And know your boundaries. You need to protect yourself from users. They are a lot of them out there.

Big hint....... talk to them about how awesome they seem. Really show enthusiasm for their boring, "superficialness". It'll definitely get you in a friendship. Just be careful.

 

[Danielle Sisco]

No. My college experience was a repeat of my previous school experience. I expected people to be more mature but it was just more of the same BS. A nightmare from which there was no escape as I lived in a dorm. I wish I could be more encouraging. I really do. It partly led to my leaving school in my third semester. The social difficulties impacted my ability to learn. I found different ways to get my education that did not involve traditional learning scenarios and met my educational goals despite that experience. I hope your experience is far more positive and beneficial than mine was.

Yep, you pretty much summed up my college experience except I stayed for six semesters, then commuted from my folks home. It got better at that point because I stopped trying to socialize. I was highly disappointed as well. I also expected people to be more mature, have more depth, care about the world and their education, actually have a REAL passion and be just as passionate to share it........ NOPE...... It was "Who's sleeping with who, who's fighter with who, who betrayed who, and where to score alcohol and weed before Thursday night." No substance what's so ever. And because I went to a state school the professors did not give their best and most weren't interested in conducting research for the college. Yeah, big let down and 40 grand in debt.

 

[Danielle Sisco]

Hey, I have a great question to ask....

How great would it be to have a university where they only, IN SECRET, admitted Autist/Aspies. Wouldn't that just be awesome? I mean, we enjoy reading about each other's passions? Man, what a college that would be....

 

[Danielle Sisco]

4. Humm... I need to work on my jokes. I like to have fun but it's rarely anyone else than me that find them fun I'll definitly watch Hannah Gadsby!


I'm sorry that you learned this the hard way.

Hannah Gadsby is great but "Nanette" her first stand up isn't her best for illustrating my point. The one that's titled in her name, she wears a tripped shirt under her blazer.... that's the one to watch. She jokes about some of her learning struggles with taking things really literally.

 

[CrazyInTrains]

What I mean is that (most) people will always remember the nice things you have done for them OR the nice way you made them feel about themselves. Do favors for them. Do try to make them feel good about themselves. This way, when you want to get away with showing some aspie personality they will be welcoming and attempt to make you feel good as well. I've learned a little while ago that because I'm annoying to NTs that I can make friends better if I physically communicated my interest to them such as giving them a ride to the store or asking if I can bring back something for them. So yeah, I guess buying friends with favors. It's what you put in is what you will get back. If you don't get it back, then the person was a simple jerk. Period! And know your boundaries. You need to protect yourself from users. They are a lot of them out there.

Big hint....... talk to them about how awesome they seem. Really show enthusiasm for their boring, "superficialness". It'll definitely get you in a friendship. Just be careful.

Oooh, I see! I should try the hint! Thanks!

Hey, I have a great question to ask....

How great would it be to have a university where they only, IN SECRET, admitted Autist/Aspies. Wouldn't that just be awesome? I mean, we enjoy reading about each other's passions? Man, what a college that would be....

That sounds very interesting, which bus should I take?

Hannah Gadsby is great but "Nanette" her first stand up isn't her best for illustrating my point. The one that's titled in her name, she wears a tripped shirt under her blazer.... that's the one to watch. She jokes about some of her learning struggles with taking things really literally.

Thanks! I will watch that one!

 

[paloftoon]

Students groups are a good way to try to get to know people- especially smaller size ones. Bigger size ones can get overwhelming. Start with something low key that is more of a hobby and doesn't have a competitive element. Also, service oriented activities and volunteering in a soup kitchen or somewhere like that can be a good way to meet people too. Sometimes, just participating in said activities of club(s) you join are enough. For instance, if you join an anime club, if you just show up and watch the videos they show and are agreeable to everything they do, you already have a bit of an "in" at least.

Some religious organizations will do these kind of services. In bigger city areas, you might bump into a few non-religious people who elect to join a religious community for the potential social connection, but that is a risk. One that I can say I did myself and don't really keep in touch with anyone in that circle.

 

[Primrose]

I was keen to make friends at college and the first year was very difficult. I think I came across as too desperate and probably tried too hard. I joined societies I wasn't even interested in and tried hard to talk to people.

In the second year I think I just relaxed a bit more. I spent time doing activities I enjoyed and being friendly with people without trying to force friendships. I made two friends, at this time.

 

[watersprite]

I found friends among the grad students. The undergrads, no.

 

[CrazyInTrains]

Students groups are a good way to try to get to know people- especially smaller size ones. Bigger size ones can get overwhelming. Start with something low key that is more of a hobby and doesn't have a competitive element. Also, service oriented activities and volunteering in a soup kitchen or somewhere like that can be a good way to meet people too. Sometimes, just participating in said activities of club(s) you join are enough. For instance, if you join an anime club, if you just show up and watch the videos they show and are agreeable to everything they do, you already have a bit of an "in" at least.

Some religious organizations will do these kind of services. In bigger city areas, you might bump into a few non-religious people who elect to join a religious community for the potential social connection, but that is a risk. One that I can say I did myself and don't really keep in touch with anyone in that circle.

I've seen posters about an outdoor group and a reading circle I think, I should try to take a closer look on that (and read all other posters on other noteboards). I don't like competition (unless I win ofc) so I'll probably stay away from that anyway. I wish there'd be a anime club (or film club even).

I was keen to make friends at college and the first year was very difficult. I think I came across as too desperate and probably tried too hard. I joined societies I wasn't even interested in and tried hard to talk to people.

In the second year I think I just relaxed a bit more. I spent time doing activities I enjoyed and being friendly with people without trying to force friendships. I made two friends, at this time.

Humm... I should keep that in mind.

I found friends among the grad students. The undergrads, no.

Mhm, I tend to get along better with older people generally.

 

[Hypnalis]

Have you started your classes already? Any news?

I may have some useful suggestions, but I don't want to complicate things for you if it's working out well anyway

 

[CrazyInTrains]

Have you started your classes already? Any news?

I may have some useful suggestions, but I don't want to complicate things for you if it's working out well anyway

Yes, I've been in school for two months but not much have happened on the friend side, we rarely have more than one lecture per day and most people don't show up until like a few minutes before start and disappear before as soon as the lecture ends.

I did however, exactly 12 hours before you posted that (!), talk with a person in a friend-way for the first time!! (We first talked a little together with a teacher on Wednesday though.) I asked if I could sit at the same table during lunch and we after that did some studying together, we even agreed to study more at some point, so hopefully, I may be on my way to get a friend!!

But I would happily take all suggestions you have!

I've written to the student union to ask about some clubs "they" have in a general way but they haven't been bothered to answer for a month. The municipal have some youth stuff that I'm considering to attend though.

 

[Pikake]

I'm sure this has been asked many times before, but I haven't really found much when searching.

I'll start at university at the Biomedicin analyst program (in Sweden) in about a week (yes, I'm good at procrastinating) and I really want to try to make some friends (and at some point maybe a girlfriend ) but I don't know how, I haven't made a friend IRL since I was 10, and that's kind of 10 years ago and I doubt it works to ask if I can play with them in the sandbox : (

I've figured out some important points:

• TaLk To pEoPlE! It's obvious even for me now, if I don't talk with anyone they won't become my friends in any way.
• Don't sit in a corner avoiding people, and don't use ear defenders in hallways too much.
• Sit "next" to others in the classrooms to show that you don't fear them (I suppose), I've even not asked for a reserved seat in a corner, to force me to sit with others to not seem like a weirdo in the corner, even thought that may cause me a lot of stress and anxiety, but I hope it's worth it.
• Try to eat lunch with others.

I have not joined the student "union" since the only thing they seem to do it drink alcohol (hopefully only ethanol) and I'm not interested in that. I will live with my parents.

Do any of you have more ideas?

Perhaps join "small group" specific in school activities or clubs or out of school clubs or activites that are in your area of interests or curiosity.
For example: guitar or singing lessons, Tai Chi class, etc. Things that are individually pursued yet can be done in a group. And, are the types of activities that might more attract others with similar social and personality vibes.
Aloha
p