I'm A Care Giver

[Balldez]

Ithink he is just wanting some sort of help and this is likely the only forum that fits. @Balldez look at high senitive personality disorder. I just came across that recently and some people misinterpret ASD for HS. I dont know any advice to give if they are shut off completely. Maybe give it time and readdress in a few months

1. They become overwhelmed when they have a lot to do.

Highly sensitive people struggle to stay on task when they have several different things to do. They become observably anxious, and as their stress level increases, they have more difficulty being productive.

That would be Wifey and Sonny Boy to a lesser degree.

2. They find noisy environments chaotic.

Highly sensitive people don't work well in open offices because their senses are put into overdrive by the sights, sounds, smells, and activity buzzing around them.

Sounds a little bit like Sonny Boy

3. They get "hangry."

When highly sensitive people are hungry, they grow angry. They struggle to function and often take out their frustrations on those closest to them.

Nope but when Wifey is tired she's meaner and grouchier than usual.

4. They choke when they're under observation.

Highly sensitive people perform at their peak when they're in private. Put them in a high-stakes situation, such as a presentation in front of their boss, and they're likely to perform poorly due to the pressure.

That sounds like a lot of people. I don't think it's them. They both are hostile and fearful of criticism. That would be narcissism. Wifey had gotten a food processor and she could not figure out how to assemble it. She got hostile when I told her I would do it. Finally after 20 minutes she broke down and asked me for help. She was angry that I could do it.

5. They're deeply moved by the arts.

Whether it's attending a musical or visiting an art gallery, highly sensitive people appreciate the arts: They find that expressions of creativity stir up their emotions.

Wifey and Sonny Boy do better at the zoo than an art museum. They actually seem to lack sensitivity. I am moved by music and visual arts. They are less so. I just saw the movie All the Money In the World and I got a bit misty when the boy was rescued from the kid nappers and I got a bit queasy watching the scene where they cut off the kid's ear. The guy I was with left the theater because it was so disturbing. Wifey would look away. It would not phase Sonny Boy.

6. They recognize other people's discomfort.

Highly sensitive people recognize when someone else needs the lights dimmed or the music turned down. They easily sense when other people are feeling overwhelmed.

I do and have empathy. Wifey gets annoyed when I'm hurting. I have chronic pain and a rarely tell her that I am hurting. But when I get a sharp pain of have a flare up on intense pain she gets annoyed. I hide it the best I can. Sonny Boy is actually more compassionate.

7. They retreat when things become too overwhelming.

After a long day or a busy week, a highly sensitive person needs quiet time to recharge. A dark bedroom, for example, can provide the perfect space to recuperate.

Sounds like a lot of people. Wifey is because she's so hormonal. Sonny Boy is just a wimp.

8. They grow uncomfortable when there are loud noises.

Loud rock concerts and noisy fireworks displays usually aren't much fun for highly sensitive people—they have a lower threshold for noise compared to the rest of the population.

Nope. Sonny Boy used to go to rock concerts and we all enjoy fireworks displays especially the booms.

 

[Balldez]

Yes I believe the way autism is diagnosed these days often isn't accurate and sometimes people with autism can be non diagnosed (especially if they're experienced at emulating being NT), then I believe there's also people who are misdiagnosed that have other conditions instead or in fact on a few occasions could even be faking it. I say faking it as I had a "friend" who always used to lie about everything, E.g. he'd apparently been a Chief Fire Officer and had also been in the Royal Marines when he was still 20 years old and unemployed (just to be a Chief Fire Officer alone take years and that would have made him the youngest Chief Fire Officer in the country, then he still had time to get into the Royal Marines and travel around the World seeing some dreadful things, the amount of c**p stories he'd tell), then he started lying about being autistic totally copying my life story to others, but he later got diagnosed and I most certainly know he's not autistic, he did it to claim better welfare benefit which makes me really angry because so many people who are entitled to the benefit and need it are being given a hard time in the UK, partly because of people like him and partly for political reasons.

I believe more autistic people should be involved in all aspects of autism support including diagnosis and research. By far the best drug councillors are ex drug addicts themselves because they're the only people that have truly experienced what it's like and this is mostly accepted, yet it's not accepted that autistic people are the best people to help in autism support, even though they're the only people who can ever truly understand that by being there, this really needs to change.

A lot of people fake PTSD and that makes it worse for the people who really have it.

I have a friend who is a substance abuse counselor who was also a drunk and druggie. He knows their game playing and also he took his studies and training very seriously and is good at what he does.

 

[Crossbreed]

Also, maybe I can gain some insight whether they legitimately think they have it or they are lying to me so that they can justify their antics.

High-functioning autistics are not typically antisocial. We are more typically dyssocial; that is, socially klutzy. We feel bad and want to make amends when we realize that we hurt someone else's feelings unintentionally (which seems all too frequent, sometimes).

Low-functioning autism is the result of additional complications that keeps the person infantile in their development, like @pjcnet 's brothers and my 23yo daughter with a mental age of 18mos.

Mid-functioning autism is similar with a slightly higher childish level of development, like my 30yo son with a mental age of 6-10yo.

These last two groups are not particularly effective at scheming beyond their mental age. (They do have an additional advantage of having adult bodies). Intelligence might vary, but other signs of maturity should present pretty consistently. (My 30yo is always thinking of ways to game new credit card offers, but he has no concept of the responsibility that accompanies them.)

If that is the case, your Sonny is not being particularly "wimpy." Wifey's menopause could make it harder for her to mask the autism that may have been there all along.

My recommendation to you is to

1. seek out a competent autism specialist;*
2. tell Wifey & Sonny that you found out that autism is a spectrum and that you would like to get a better fix on where they are on it (separately), so you can improve your communications with them; and
3. drop the cynical presentation,** or you will never sell #2.

If they are on the spectrum, you will get #2 and they will receive helpful direction. If either is not on the the spectrum, they will hear it from an objective professional, plus get a better-fitting diagnosis and will still receive helpful direction. Win/win.

*Contrary to cynical belief, autism specialists don't typically give out false positives. But autism-deniers frequently give false negatives.
**You know that something is wrong. It is in yours and your family's best interest to remain as objective as possible, as you pursue that.

 

[SnailPie]

HI Balldez,

I will say that after menopause, even a "regular" woman will find it harder to cope with what life hands her. She has, typically, given 30+ years to working, childbearing/rearing, keeping a home, and being a wife. She is usually, by this point, wrung out and weary.

The drop in hormone levels means she doesn't sleep as well, doesn't feel as well, starts to gain weight, feels old, doesn't feel as attractive or sexy, and generally speaking, life ain't going so great. She is downright irritable from being uncomfortable and not sleeping well.
That's where a sympathetic and caring partner can make all the difference.

Menopause is no reason to start acting nasty to people, but it is a time when women feel they've earned the right to relax a bit, let somebody else pick up the slack, and care for themselves a bit more than they have done.

I don't know your wife's situation, obviously, but I do know that most women do feel very much of what I described.

I also know plenty of post-menopausal women (myself being one) that are still active, vibrant, caring, sexy, and interested in all aspects of life and relationships. I just have zero tolerance for bullsh*t these days, and I'm far past the time where I'm interested in people telling me what to do/wear/how to think...
Not saying that's what you're doing, just that we ladies sometimes figure it's time to just finally be ourselves and say it like it is!

So what Crossbreed said above is true: It could be that the constant masking of her AS symptoms was simply too hard to continue. I agree. It happened to me in my 40's, prior to menopause, when I just started to melt down and didn't know why. It just got too...hard.

 

[SnailPie]

I could be wrong. Also, maybe I can gain some insight whether they legitimately think they have it or they are lying to me so that they can justify their antics.

What about straight up confronting them about the behavior that is problematic, regardless of the "why"? Is the way they are treating you acceptable to YOU? If not, and they will not change, what will you do to improve your own life?


At some point, if you're unhappy and things are unlikely to change, you might want to think about making some changes on your end that you can control. You'll never be able to get them to see things your way if they don't want to. Assume they will not change. What then?

You can get angry at them, try to reason with them, and as most here will likely tell you, that's going to do no good.
Who cares "why" it's so, if you're miserable?