I'm always going to be on my own

[hatfullofrain]

Might not have been as disasterous? How?

i sometimes get this intense longing as well but i find it goes to the back of my mind when I'm busy moving about
or following up important (which at the moment is applying for a volunteer gigs to use some of my spare time and expand on my knowledge/learn new skills at the same time) or interesting things on the web.

though more relevantly i agree that you should take a break and perhaps meditate on your efforts so far they might not have been as disastrous as you think they were.

 

[Sarah S]

I'm just in a place right now where I feel like all the hurt over the years has piled up and collapsed on top of me. Its not one person that made me feel like this, it's all of the nothing, the not ever being quiet enough, the being given a second glance (I was going to say never being given a second glance, but I do get ogled), but never being good enough for anything permanent.

It's just impossible.

I don't want to feel hurt anymore. I want to be ok.

I think i can safely say that most of us have fealt that way from time to time (me included )

You just think it is because of the past failures. Its not impossible.

I can understand that and i agree. The first step to feel okey is belive in your self . Second accept youre self as you are (incl possible diagnosis).

 

[Bolletje]

To be honest, all of my relationships started when I was at a point in my life where I had accepted that a love life was probably not going to happen for me. All the time I was out there looking I only ran into men interested in one night stands or brief flings, but no one seemed interested in investing time in me. When I stopped looking, people found me.

 

[Judge]

Yeah. Not necessarily to "expect the unexpected", but don't rule it out either.

More often than not, time is on your side. Just don't spend any time looking at a watch or a calendar. Significant life experiences don't usually show up on schedule.

Life can be very weird- and surprising at times. You never really know...

Might be why I'm still around after all this time. A "closet optimist" after all.

 

[Baeraad]

Love, intimacy etc.

I live in the UK. Being unmarried has no social stigma.

I feel more social pressure to be happily single. No one really cares if I have a partner or not. But if I bring up how I feel I'm usually told that it's ok to be on my own or "you know you can be happy on your own right", "It's not always good right", "you only see the good things, it's hard work"

Ugh. I know, right? Being unhappy about being single is considered some sort of personal failing. And yet, all those people in relationships put a lot of effort into getting into them and are putting a lot of effort into staying in them. For something that supposedly isn't as important as all that, they sure seem to be investing a lot of themselves into it.

For what it's worth, I think you have every right to feel lousy about it. But I can also tell you that it gets easier with time. Anything that doesn't kill you eventually becomes wallpaper.

To be honest, all of my relationships started when I was at a point in my life where I had accepted that a love life was probably not going to happen for me. All the time I was out there looking I only ran into men interested in one night stands or brief flings, but no one seemed interested in investing time in me. When I stopped looking, people found me.

See, people keep telling me that, but I can tell you as a counterpoint that I've stopped looking plenty of times and yet, no one ever finds me. I think I must be just as bad at not-looking as I am at looking.

 

[Streetwise]

I'm coming to terms with this. It was not how I saw my life, but my attempts at finding a boyfriend have all been horrible disasters. I could write a book about it.

I can't try anymore. It's a thankless task.

There's no such thing as "meant to be", but for want of a better expression, I feel like I'm not meant to be with anyone.

I don't really want that to be true, but all signs point to no.

The whole process has made me so miserable, I just want to be happy on my own and feel like I do not want to be with someone.

But I feel like I'm still grieving what I wanted and I haven't hit acceptance stage yet.

I wish I could walk ,walk snoopy ,who lives next door to me ,it makes so guilty ,that hes stuck in the house ,he loves to sniff !!!!!!!and walk !!!!!never wants to come back ,he lives for being with other living things ,my balance is bad now ,take the cat to the vet ,if the hyperventilating didnt disable me ,long way down the list ,pray fireworks are banned worldwide ,the cat is just getting right ,now the noise has started,I know nothing about human intimate relationships apart from cant wait til my body stops wanting to remind me it would be interested to gestate ,Its 37 years its long enough

 

[hatfullofrain]

Yes, I totally agree.

I've stopped looking a few times and just got on with my life, just hanging out with friends, casually meeting new people with no particular purpose, and no one has found me either.

Funnily enough I have a friend who is determined that I will find someone when I stop looking because that's "how" she met her husband. It was pure coincidence that he happened to turn up then.

She thought that the last man I dated was the one because he asked me on a date in a "stopped looking phase", she was like, "see what happens when you stop looking!", but he didn't want a second date, so I don't think that really counts as her being right.

Ugh. I know, right? Being unhappy about being single is considered some sort of personal failing. And yet, all those people in relationships put a lot of effort into getting into them and are putting a lot of effort into staying in them. For something that supposedly isn't as important as all that, they sure seem to be investing a lot of themselves into it.

For what it's worth, I think you have every right to feel lousy about it. But I can also tell you that it gets easier with time. Anything that doesn't kill you eventually becomes wallpaper.



See, people keep telling me that, but I can tell you as a counterpoint that I've stopped looking plenty of times and yet, no one ever finds me. I think I must be just as bad at not-looking as I am at looking.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Thanks. I appreciate this.

Yeah. Not necessarily to "expect the unexpected", but don't rule it out either.

More often than not, time is on your side. Just don't spend any time looking at a watch or a calendar. Significant life experiences don't usually show up on schedule.

Life can be very weird- and surprising at times. You never really know...

Might be why I'm still around after all this time. A "closet optimist" after all.

 

[hatfullofrain]

Maybe I should mention my particular aspie-ness that makes me feel like a love life is impossible.

I'm not very demonstrative. I don't like touching people I don't know well. It takes me a long time to warm up to people. I tend to talk about things of interest and not personal matters, so it can be difficult for someone to get to know me.

I can't feel all that interested in a man I've just met. I can't flirt with someone I don't really know.

I need comfortableness and not excitement.

I think I may come across as boring at first.

It's difficult for men to see what they 're looking for in me because it's not on the surface level... I think.

No one seems to have the time to invest in a me.

Even after knowing me for a year and finding more out about me it seems like I may look physically appealing, but I'm only friend material... It's nice to have friends, but I'm obviously not attractive as a whole package.

 

[Judge]

No one seems to have the time to invest in a me.

Good point. In this "accelerated society" I'm inclined to think that far too much courtship is done too fast, and in too superficial a manner. Leaving many of us on the spectrum left at the starting line.

Especially if we don't immediately emote ourselves in a way others are so expectant of. Where they just move onto someone else. Where we really do begin to wonder if we really are from another planet.

 

[oregano]

A lot of people my age got married and had kids in the mid 2000s, during what I call "the housing boom" since the period was defined by massive overbuilding of suburban houses in order to feed a financial bubble fueled by Wall Street corruption. The people who did so thought that the party would never end. Then it did. They suddenly had houses they couldn't afford and kids they couldn't feed, and no prospects of finding work anytime soon. They had massive debts taken out to buy all the trappings of suburban bliss.

I remember touring foreclosed houses in a once-wealthy new suburb after the collapse, and some of the conspicuous consumption I saw was jaw dropping. One family installed a $9000 shower enclosure. There was the house with HDTV sets in every room, including the bathrooms. People displayed pots and pans as "functional art" in their kitchens.

Coupled with that was the rage people had over being suckered. They smashed their Brazilian granite countertops to dust, poured motor oil into the floors. In one extreme case a couple took sledgehammers and all but demolished their dream home. I began to feel very happy that I hadn't gotten suckered.

My point? Be grateful for what you DON'T have, because you may eventually be very glad you don't have what everybody else has.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

jedi mind tricks don't work. get what you want from life.

 

[SusanLR]

I know nothing about human intimate relationships apart from cant wait til my body stops wanting to remind me it would be interested to gestate ,Its 37 years its long enough

Another person who's genetic switch didn't work?
Hang in there with the body's process of the monthly production of the ability to procreate.
You are getting close to the age mine finally stopped.
Oh, what a relief it is!

 

[hatfullofrain]

jedi mind tricks don't work. get what you want from life.

Ha ha. I'm totally saying that to my friend next time She uses the ol stop looking and you'll f8nd someone line.

 

[Streetwise]

Another person who's genetic switch didn't work?
Hang in there with the body's process of the monthly production of the ability to procreate.
You are getting close to the age mine finally stopped.
Oh, what a relief it is!

I can't even conceive of what it would be like to not be anaemic or the other factors that the men!!!!! On the forum wouldnt want to think about,
Not eating so much in the week before it starts ,you feel like you have Prader Willi syndrome.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Me aspie. Not understand vague

You said that men don't want to date you and aren't serious. Then you mentioned there were 2 serious guys, and you dismissed them for a non-reason.

 

[hatfullofrain]

You said that men don't want to date you and aren't serious. Then you mentioned there were 2 serious guys, and you dismissed them for a non-reason.

I didn't dismiss them for a non reason. I had good reasons. I should not yave used the term "no chemistry" its a lazy way of saying there were issues i can't be bothered describing.

People are allowed choices.

Also in the 20 years since I turned 18 only 2 men have been interested in me.

That's not good... at all.

 

[Baeraad]

Even after knowing me for a year and finding more out about me it seems like I may look physically appealing, but I'm only friend material... It's nice to have friends, but I'm obviously not attractive as a whole package.

Tangentally, I suppose that does lend credence to the persistent rumour that women get friendzoned too. I may have to accept that that is a thing that happens.

I just don't understand how or why? I mean, I just can't imagine such a thing as a woman who I liked as a person but who I nevertheless would not consider dating. And I keep hearing other men express the same sentiment (usually put a bit more crudely, but still... ).

 

[hatfullofrain]

Tangentally, I suppose that does lend credence to the persistent rumour that women get friendzoned too. I may have to accept that that is a thing that happens.

I just don't understand how or why? I mean, I just can't imagine such a thing as a woman who I liked as a person but who I nevertheless would not consider dating. And I keep hearing other men express the same sentiment (usually put a bit more crudely, but still... ).

Well that doesn't make me feel any better.

I must be really sub standard

Of course women get friend zoned lol. Every woman who has ever had a crush on someone has at some point not had those feelings returned. It's very common because men have freedom of choice too. It's demeaning to think that men only follow base impulses. Other things are taken into consideration too.

 

[Baeraad]

Well that doesn't make me feel any better.

Sorry.

I must be really sub standard

For what it's worth, I would totally want to date you if we turned out to have stuff in common. I mean, I understand that that's cold comfort given that we probably live on different continents and all, but...

It's demeaning to think that men only follow base impulses. Other things are taken into consideration too.

Hrmpf, I have seen very little evidence that anyone ever does anything but follow their base impulses and then rationalise them after the fact... but I admit that that's me being more misanthropic than even I myself feel comfortable with a lot of the time.