im back! + feeling like i can “control” my autism?

[madisen622]

wow, i’ve been gone for two years. it’s crazy rereading my forums, a lot has changed.

i was just curious, does anyone feel like they can “control” their autism?

i can’t tell if ive just gotten good at masking or not, but certain things that bother me don’t as much anymore?

does anyone have any advice on this? thanks!

 

[Judge]

Welcome back. Good question.

Can I truly "control" my autism? I can mask my traits and behaviors to an extent, particularly depending on the circumstances of various social interactions.

Which perhaps some of us would smile and say,"I would take that as a no for an answer". For me it is neither a linear process, nor an absolute one. Where at times I may do better now, and fall on my face later at the same social event.

Can I "control" my autism? LOL...I'd prefer to respond, "I'm not sure".

But I can attenuate it at times. Hopefully enough to keep NTs from raising their eyebrows.

 

[madisen622]

Welcome back. Good question.

Can I truly "control" my autism? I can mask my traits and behaviors to an extent, particularly depending on the circumstances of various social interactions.

Which perhaps some of us would smile and say,"I would take that as a no for an answer". For me it is neither a linear process, nor an absolute one. Where at times I may do better now, and fall on my face later at the same social event.

Can I "control" my autism? LOL...I'd prefer to respond, "I'm not sure".

But I can attenuate it at times. Hopefully enough to keep NTs from raising their eyebrows.

thank you for the welcome back!

i think that’s a great way to answer the question. perhaps “im not sure” should be the answer to my own question as well.

i noticed in the past few years i think ive gotten better at hiding it. after my diagnosis i was left with more questions and i think i tried to avoid it. thank you for your comment letting me come to this realization.

 

[Rodafina]

@madisen622

certain things that bother me don’t as much anymore

Could you say a little more about what kind of things? Sensory things? Social interactions? Something else?

---

I do not feel like I "control my autism" at all, but I have learned to accept it. In so doing, I can better control my response to certain things and I have learned much better ways to take care of myself.

I have also learned how to better control my environment, (e.g. using headphones, hats, and glasses), and learned how to take breaks from things that cause a lot of sensory or social stress.

More than feeling "in control of autism," I feel that with better knowledge and understanding of myself, I have learned to adapt.

 

[madisen622]

@madisen622


Could you say a little more about what kind of things? Sensory things? Social interactions? Something else?

---

I do not feel like I "control my autism" at all, but I have learned to accept it. In so doing, I can better control my response to certain things and I have learned much better ways to take care of myself.

I have also learned how to better control my environment, (e.g. using headphones, hats, and glasses), and learned how to take breaks from things that cause a lot of sensory or social stress.

More than feeling "in control of autism," I feel that with better knowledge and understanding of myself, I have learned to adapt.

i feel like ive gotten better at reading social cues and learned to avoid things that cause me sensory issues.

after reading the comments what ive come to understand is the word isn’t “control” it’s “adapting.”

i was having trouble wording it and i felt like “control” was the best word.

 

[Judge]

It just makes me cringe to think of one social scenario in particular where I encounter the most difficulty of masking.

-Formal social occasions that revolve strictly around my employment. Which would often seem reminiscent of having to dance a jig over a minefield. Especially as a member of a branch having to visit our home office on the other side of the country. When saying the wrong thing could potentially cost you everything.

And I have a long memory of such things that may have lasted only seconds, yet I still painful to recall them like they happened yesterday.

 

[madisen622]

It just makes me cringe to think of one social scenario in particular where I encounter the most difficulty of masking.

-Formal social occasions that revolve strictly around my employment. Which would often seem reminiscent of having to dance a jig over a minefield. Especially as a member of a branch having to visit our home office on the other side of the country. When saying the wrong thing could potentially cost you everything.

And I have a long memory of such things that may have lasted only seconds, yet I still painful to recall them like they happened yesterday.

im sorry to hear, as the saying goes i feel like “we’re our own worst critic.”

besides, “being normal” is boring anyway.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

As I’ve gotten older, I am more aware of my symptoms, but also better at managing them. The symptoms are what they are.

 

[Crossbreed]

If it helps,...
I can anticipate triggers and steer clear of them to a certain extent.
Also, I can often pause my meltdowns to reconsider if I am reading the "troubling" situation incorrectly. Even if I am reading it correctly, doing so seems to alleviate my knee-jerk reaction.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Use to be better but in 2024 I gotten much much worse. If you read my post history @madisen622 please don't it's horrible don't have a relapse. My life is horrible. But I am glad you're back.

 

[Outdated]

Control is an illusion, in reality there's no such thing.

I'm a good communicator with different masks for different occasions but even when I'm at my best people always know there's something different about me even if they can't quite put their finger on what it is. That's no problem though, I've always enjoyed being different and I've never wished I was like everyone else - homogonised.

I have habitually steered clear of situations that would cause me stress since I was a teenager but have found I have less tolerance for nonsense ever since I sent time living in the bush,

 

[Captain Caveman]

wow, i’ve been gone for two years. it’s crazy rereading my forums, a lot has changed.

i was just curious, does anyone feel like they can “control” their autism?

i can’t tell if ive just gotten good at masking or not, but certain things that bother me don’t as much anymore?

does anyone have any advice on this? thanks!

One aspect I must share because before I knew I was on the spectrum, I fell into this trap. I tried all I could to mask all my traits and prevent myself from stimming. It took me 35 years of concentrated effort to finally prevent myself from doing every stim I did, as I found if I stopped one stim, it would come out in a new still elsewhere! But I finally did it...
And then the result? I hit a major burnout which could have been breakdown, and hit many after that escalating worse and worse as each time I hit one I would have to quit work, which resulted in no income for about a year to recover as I could not explain to doctors so I had no help and did not know where to turn. (Why I don't know if they were serious burnouts or mental breakdowns). Then I would try working again for a year or two or several months, all part time low hours in a job Inhad done many times before so less stress as I already knew the trade... and then I kept repeating these burnout/breakdowns which took ages to recover from. The last time I was able to work was part time temporary job low hours back in the summer of 2019. Had the biggest burnout/breakdown towards the last week or so before the temp job came to the end but I pushed myself through to the last day but it hit me hard. At one time I scared myself when my brain forgot how to walk. My mind was jumping! ...

But it all started back to somewhere around 2007 when I finally taught myself to conquer all my stimms!

I have had to learn how to stim again in order to avoid worse! As our minds need that physical way to relieve internal overload of hidden stress...

(I used to stim when listening in school to teachers explaining things in whatever subject they were teaching, as somehow my mind would need to do that... It would sometimes annoy teachers who would say "Look at me while I am talking to you (I could rarely look and take in info at the same time! Same as being asked to answer a question and talk at the same time while I need to think. Can do it if it requires little thought but not when I am thinking!)

But this is my experience. I was somewhere around my early to mid 40's when I finally conquered all stims? Anyway. My advice is it is ok to divert stimming into less noticeable forms, but do not stop stimming if you need to stim. And same as masking. I masked in triplicate. The long term effects probably did not help. Though without masking I found I had little means to connect as masking enabled me to connect in an unusual way. By acting thick people made the effort to connect with me rather than me needing to make the effort to connect with them which was not that successful... Oddly, the rare few friends in my life were unusual people, and very likely to be on the spectrum, as these were the few people I could connect with. The "Ordinary" people out there were friendly enough but kept me at a distance... where I was made to feel like my presence wasn't wanted... Why I found it difficult to connect, and it was not at all because I did not try! I tried more than anyone I knew! If I did not try I would be left alone and avoided. If I tried I would end up pushed away... So I learned how to mask from a fairly young age which I added to as I went along as I discovered new more effective ways to mask.

 

[madisen622]

As I’ve gotten older, I am more aware of my symptoms, but also better at managing them. The symptoms are what they are.

i never thought of it like this, thank you for your input!

 

[madisen622]

If it helps,...
I can anticipate triggers and steer clear of them to a certain extent.
Also, I can often pause my meltdowns to reconsider if I am reading the "troubling" situation incorrectly. Even if I am reading it correctly, doing so seems to alleviate my knee-jerk reaction.

thank you, im glad im not alone. after reading a couple of comments i realize i’ve learned to “adapt” to the outside world with my autism.

 

[madisen622]

Use to be better but in 2024 I gotten much much worse. If you read my post history @madisen622 please don't it's horrible don't have a relapse. My life is horrible. But I am glad you're back.

im sorry to hear, i won’t pry but i hope things get better for you soon.

thank you, glad to be back! i feel like ive found my people again.

 

[madisen622]

Control is an illusion, in reality there's no such thing.

I'm a good communicator with different masks for different occasions but even when I'm at my best people always know there's something different about me even if they can't quite put their finger on what it is. That's no problem though, I've always enjoyed being different and I've never wished I was like everyone else - homogonised.

I have habitually steered clear of situations that would cause me stress since I was a teenager but have found I have less tolerance for nonsense ever since I sent time living in the bush,

i feel the same way. thank you for sharing your input.

 

[blitzkrieg]

Welcome back, Madisen!

 

[DeFunkCat]

One aspect I must share because before I knew I was on the spectrum, I fell into this trap. I tried all I could to mask all my traits and prevent myself from stimming. It took me 35 years of concentrated effort to finally prevent myself from doing every stim I did, as I found if I stopped one stim, it would come out in a new still elsewhere! But I finally did it...
And then the result? I hit a major burnout which could have been breakdown, and hit many after that escalating worse and worse as each time I hit one I would have to quit work, which resulted in no income for about a year to recover as I could not explain to doctors so I had no help and did not know where to turn. (Why I don't know if they were serious burnouts or mental breakdowns). Then I would try working again for a year or two or several months, all part time low hours in a job Inhad done many times before so less stress as I already knew the trade... and then I kept repeating these burnout/breakdowns which took ages to recover from. The last time I was able to work was part time temporary job low hours back in the summer of 2019. Had the biggest burnout/breakdown towards the last week or so before the temp job came to the end but I pushed myself through to the last day but it hit me hard. At one time I scared myself when my brain forgot how to walk. My mind was jumping! ...

But it all started back to somewhere around 2007 when I finally taught myself to conquer all my stimms!

I have had to learn how to stim again in order to avoid worse! As our minds need that physical way to relieve internal overload of hidden stress...

(I used to stim when listening in school to teachers explaining things in whatever subject they were teaching, as somehow my mind would need to do that... It would sometimes annoy teachers who would say "Look at me while I am talking to you (I could rarely look and take in info at the same time! Same as being asked to answer a question and talk at the same time while I need to think. Can do it if it requires little thought but not when I am thinking!)

But this is my experience. I was somewhere around my early to mid 40's when I finally conquered all stims? Anyway. My advice is it is ok to divert stimming into less noticeable forms, but do not stop stimming if you need to stim. And same as masking. I masked in triplicate. The long term effects probably did not help. Though without masking I found I had little means to connect as masking enabled me to connect in an unusual way. By acting thick people made the effort to connect with me rather than me needing to make the effort to connect with them which was not that successful... Oddly, the rare few friends in my life were unusual people, and very likely to be on the spectrum, as these were the few people I could connect with. The "Ordinary" people out there were friendly enough but kept me at a distance... where I was made to feel like my presence wasn't wanted... Why I found it difficult to connect, and it was not at all because I did not try! I tried more than anyone I knew! If I did not try I would be left alone and avoided. If I tried I would end up pushed away... So I learned how to mask from a fairly young age which I added to as I went along as I discovered new more effective ways to mask.

Thank you for your detailed response. Stimming I have discovered is really important for my safety and maintaining some sort of well-being. My whole life was a mask which I didn’t even realise until I had a major breakdown. Now I can’t mask or have great difficulty doing it. Your comments on Stimming have helped my understanding of self. Thank you (my stimming is music practice, scales scales scales!)

 

[Neonatal RRT]

wow, i’ve been gone for two years. it’s crazy rereading my forums, a lot has changed.

i was just curious, does anyone feel like they can “control” their autism?

i can’t tell if ive just gotten good at masking or not, but certain things that bother me don’t as much anymore?

does anyone have any advice on this? thanks!

Some people are better at masking their symptoms than others. People's symptoms could be mild, moderate, or severe. I suspect that severe symptoms you really cannot mask.

The other component is some degree of age-related maturity and/or hormonal changes that affect our coping mechanisms. Sure, we can have some really stressful days, become mentally exhausted, and then those symptoms flare up. In which case, we might not be able to cope well. However, overall, I suspect that at each stage of life, over the decades, some noticeable changes occur in our personality profiles that allow us to handle stressors and day-to-day life better, or worse, as the case may be.

I would not describe it as "controlling" one's autism, per se, because it's always there, but rather, for myself, it's this knowledge and self-awareness that is present that I didn't have before. I can pace myself better. I know what supplements I can take. I know the importance of good sleep. I can even adjust my diet. All of it comes together via multiple pathways to allow me to get through a long, stressful workday and still keep my head on straight.

 

[NDR2]

As a child, I’d get criticism from people about my autistic ways – even from my family. They’d tell me not to talk to myself or sing out loud in public (that’s how I stimmed), or act out routines for no particular audience. My sister would say, “Don’t do that. People will think you’re weird.” Around 4th Grade I started taking it to heart, and I tried acting more “normal.” It may have also been because I wanted to fit in more – and maybe also spare myself from being bullied in school. In time it became more natural to me (in time I’d also get annoyed when other people would act that way. But I still sing and talk to myself when I’m alone. I even learned to do it under my breath when I’m in public (my speech therapist has told me that’s not good for my vocal chords, though).

I could probably pass for NT. I probably act more NT than some of the people at the program for people with learning disabilities that I attend events with. But when I’m with actual NT’s, there are probably things they notice about me that I’m not aware of, which they find weird. Somehow it turns them off and makes them not want to get to know me better.