im back! + feeling like i can “control” my autism?

[madisen622]

As a child, I’d get criticism from people about my autistic ways – even from my family. They’d tell me not to talk to myself or sing out loud in public (that’s how I stimmed), or act out routines for no particular audience. My sister would say, “Don’t do that. People will think you’re weird.” Around 4th Grade I started taking it to heart, and I tried acting more “normal.” It may have also been because I wanted to fit in more – and maybe also spare myself from being bullied in school. In time it became more natural to me (in time I’d also get annoyed when other people would act that way. But I still sing and talk to myself when I’m alone. I even learned to do it under my breath when I’m in public (my speech therapist has told me that’s not good for my vocal chords, though).

I could probably pass for NT. I probably act more NT than some of the people at the program for people with learning disabilities that I attend events with. But when I’m with actual NT’s, there are probably things they notice about me that I’m not aware of, which they find weird. Somehow it turns them off and makes them not want to get to know me better.

im sorry to hear, it feels like we can never win. thank you for sharing your thoughts, i hope you find people in the forum you can relate to that’ll help you! i know masking can be draining.

 

[Misty Avich]

As a child, I’d get criticism from people about my autistic ways – even from my family. They’d tell me not to talk to myself or sing out loud in public (that’s how I stimmed), or act out routines for no particular audience. My sister would say, “Don’t do that. People will think you’re weird.” Around 4th Grade I started taking it to heart, and I tried acting more “normal.” It may have also been because I wanted to fit in more – and maybe also spare myself from being bullied in school. In time it became more natural to me (in time I’d also get annoyed when other people would act that way. But I still sing and talk to myself when I’m alone. I even learned to do it under my breath when I’m in public (my speech therapist has told me that’s not good for my vocal chords, though).

As a kid I didn't care what people I didn't really know thought about me, so I used to just be myself and really not care. But obviously my family kept criticising and telling me how embarrassing I was, and I took it to heart. Somewhere during my teens the pendulum swung the other way - I became socially anxious and too aware of what people (particularly strangers) thought of me and is why I find being in public places daunting now.

I could probably pass for NT. I probably act more NT than some of the people at the program for people with learning disabilities that I attend events with. But when I’m with actual NT’s, there are probably things they notice about me that I’m not aware of, which they find weird. Somehow it turns them off and makes them not want to get to know me better.

People with learning disabilities aren't NTs, and I envy them because they seem to get away with being themselves in public, while autistic people seem to be criticised more and expected to act like NTs do.

 

[NDR2]

People with learning disabilities aren't NTs, and I envy them because they seem to get away with being themselves in public, while autistic people seem to be criticised more and expected to act like NTs do.

Many of the people in the program are on the spectrum (they specifically call it a program for people with learning disabilities, and not just autistics). I probably do act different than many there do - some even talk less than I do. I may even be able to do more things myself than they can. These days it feels natural for me to act in a “typical” fashion and not openly do the kinds of things that are considered “weird.” So I don’t feel any real need to change my behavior. Although sometimes I may purposely act a little silly around other people on the spectrum for a laugh.

My speech therapist, who’s mainly NT minded, actually told me I shouldn’t feel ashamed to talk to myself out loud or sing out loud in public. But I’m still afraid to (I guess the reactions I got in the past have left a mark on me).

 

[Cutesie]

My family doesn't believe that I'm autistic. Neither does the person who was my closest friend. (He moved to Florida, so we drifted apart, but I'm visiting him next week.) Neither do I sometimes.

Does it mean that I'm not autistic, or that I mask really well, or that people don't understand that autism isn't exactly what they think? I don't know the answer. I'm not diagnosed, and I don't know if I should go about getting evaluated. At this point, it may be worth all the time and expense just for the self-assurance.

 

[blitzkrieg]

My family doesn't believe that I'm autistic. Neither does the person who was my closest friend. (He moved to Florida, so we drifted apart, but I'm visiting him next week.) Neither do I sometimes.

Does it mean that I'm not autistic, or that I mask really well, or that people don't understand that autism isn't exactly what they think? I don't know the answer. I'm not diagnosed, and I don't know if I should go about getting evaluated. At this point, it may be worth all the time and expense just for the self-assurance.

I tend to agree with your sentiment of "it may be worth all the time and expense just for the self-assurance."

I think awareness of autism amongst the general public has definitely improved in recent years, although there is still a long way to go on that front.