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I'm not sure if this is the last of her

B

BewilderedPerson

Well-Known Member
Tomorrow is supposed to be my nine-month anniversary of being official with my (ex?) girlfriend, which is completely in limbo now after she blew up at me and blew up my phone Sunday night.

We've been very goofy together, done a lot together - daytrips to different states, countless times spending the night at each other's places, done dates and date nights and just gone to each other's places. Despite her saying how well I treat her, how good I am to her, we always seem to get into it at least once a month.

Her and my mother really do not like each other, something she figured out about my mom, who goes back-and-forth between visiting me and being back home in another state. We also have our political differences, and my mom was saying stuff politically on FaceTime she didn't like to me, then she was in my bed and asked my mom if that was why she didn't like her.

Just by being calm, no swearing, my mom said she thought she was needy and never lets me rest (having concerns after I had just suffered a seizure in October 2024).

She demanded I'd hang up, which I did, then began bawling and sobbing and said I didn't defend her enough. I gave her an opportunity to speak up, but she chose not to. Unprovoked, she slapped me in the face and when I went and defended myself by grabbing her arms and hands to protect myself from getting hit again, she screamed bloody murder, "Get your (effing) hands off me!" Incredibly, we still went to lunch for barbecue that day and looked at Christmas trees and decorations. I told her it was the last time she'd ever hit me, and if she did so again, I would press charges.

By her own admission, she can be a child, as, despite being almost 10 years older than me, she can mentally be 12. When I declined last summer to join her for swimming in a lake, having recently suffered a seizure in May 2024, she suggested she contact the man she turned down to be with me to go swimming. She's done other similar stuff, since I went home for the holidays on vacation from work, she threw up in my face the possibility of renting a boyfriend and even got back on Match for a brief bit and talked with other men while still together. She's threatened to break up before always coming back and texting me and reaching out to me, not me to her.

She doesn't like how much time I spend at my job and my varying hours in a given week, since I don't work a normal 9-5 and can work in the morning or could work in the evening. She didn't like on Valentine's Day that I worked that night, saying I chose my job over being with her, despite the fact I spent many hours with her the night before and gave her her gifts then and we were going to have lunch in Kentucky. She was supposed to meet me at my place after work on Valentine's Day, but when I worked late, she told me she was going to bed and how she was disappointed. So, to quiet her, I went to her place, knocked on her garage door and she let me in. I was going to sleep in my work clothes, but then we went to my place when it dawned on her I didn't have my seizure medication to take before bed.

Her birthday is Saturday, and before last night's blowup, she questioned if I'd be there to celebrate with her or if I'd be working. I told her I could be with her in the morning and afternoon, but bemoaned if she wanted dinner, if she should ask her coworker she was crushing on before me if she should go to dinner with him. I didn't like that, and I also didn't like a remark of hers a week or two ago when she joked she wanted to cut off my penis and put in her nightstand for her to play with. Another thing which put me off was her saying in early January was her saying that she hopes I go before she does so I won’t have to deal with the pain of losing her.

So, what caused the blowup last night? My mom came back into town. Despite not seeing her or having any contact with her since November, she dropped off last night from the NBA game she took me to as the Christmas present she gave me, saw her car, when my mom surprised me for a visit for the first time since mid-January and flew off the handle - as if my mom just being in town will affect her birthday with me, even though my mom has never stopped me from seeing or being with her. She called my mom the b-word constantly last night when dropping me off and blowing up my phone over text, saying F her and F me for not standing up for her that one time.

Different messages she told me is that we're through, that she guessed I picked who I want in my life, as if I'm not supposed to have a relationship with my mother or see her again, saying also she guesses we're done now and demanding a sincere apology from her. Her last text to me was, "I love you. But we don't stand a chance." She won't give me a kid because she wouldn't want my mom to have access to the kid and would refuse to have my mom attend the wedding if we got married. She'd told me before to call her when my mother leaves town.

So, it's been a tough day from me. I haven't heard from her today and I won't reach out before Saturday unless she does so first. What makes me think we might not be done just yet is the different times she's reached out after being made/breaking up/threatening to break up, plus saying she is clingy by her own admission and she was off-and-on with her son's father for four years before he died in a car accident. He was physically and verbally abusive toward her, and I don't think I've ever done so much as yell or raise my voice towards her. She acknowledged how I treat her better than he did, that I'm the healthiest relationship she's ever had and that I'm so good to her and I spoil her. She's my longest relationship, and I'm pretty sure I'm her second-longest relationship.

What I think I might do is just show up with her gifts on Saturday, tell her to keep them or I'll get a refund, up to her, that's if I don't hear before then.

If she really is done, then I can live without any regrets, even though it's tempting to blame myself and I fought back tears earlier.
 
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With more than enough to make a logical judgment I stopped reading at the end of paragraph six. This is a toxic relationship. Physical and emotional abuse. Please end the relationship and then block her number for your emotional and physical safety.
 
Rocco said:
With more than enough to make a logical judgment I stopped reading at the end of paragraph six. This is a toxic relationship. Physical and emotional abuse. Please end the relationship and then block her number for your emotional and physical safety.
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Thank You.
 
BewilderedPerson said:
If she really is done...
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Once someone starts slapping you, it is time to stop leaving the decision of whether or not to stay together up to them.

Sorry to hear about your bad experience. Please take care and do what you need to do to protect your safety and to find the respect that you deserve.
 
I agree with all the above. No good times is worth getting hit or being subject to such abuse. I'm sorry you are going through this, but it will feel better after you quit trying to please her and get on with your life.
 
Hi, everyone. Thank you for your support. Against my better judgement, here’s what happened Tuesday:

‘
Guess who came reaching out to me two days after saying we were done, saying she thought a lot about me today on our nine-month anniversary. I came over on the way to work for close to an hour and I got screaming at the top of her lungs and her crying and her telling me how was in someone’s classroom today (she’s a librarian at a nearby elementary school) and she broke down and cried in his class.

She told me this teacher, whom she refers to as her work husband, the one she crushed on before she met me and quipped she should ask him for dinner on her birthday if I’m not around, said not to contact first. But she said the only person more stubborn than her is me. So, I wiped the tears off her eyes and assured her and calmed her down, yet again, as she was concerned whether I do things for how out of obligation, if she’s a priority, if she’s second place to my mom, etc.

So, we made up, for now. I asked her not to badmouth my mom anymore and to keep her opinions to herself. We walked out, she kissed me a few times, told me how good I am to her and she sometimes thinks she doesn’t deserve me.

Quite a few people have told me she is toxic and my relationship is toxic.

It’s funny how she told me we were through, and I told her today if I didn’t hear from her, I was going to show up at her place Saturday with her birthday gifts, with the option for her to take them or for me to get a refund. She said she would die if she went that long without talking to me.’
 
This woman sounds 'crazy' for lack of a better word. She is abusive in multiple ways. I would rather have no relationship at all than a relationship with this woman.
 
Rodafina said:
@BewilderedPerson
What is driving you to do something that you say is against your better judgement?
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It is hard to say goodbye to my longest relationship, how I waited so long to get my first, attempted suicide over someone and I thought I’d never have a girlfriend, only to fail. I finally get a relationship in 2016/2017 and am dumped after four months.

In 2024, I, again, am ready to die after I get used and dumped after three dates and seduced on the first one by someone else before this one finally comes into the picture, doing a lot to save the pain I had.

There very well might be someone better for me, but I’ve also put a lot of time into this one and who knows how long it would take to find my next relationship.
 
It sounds like you have come around to phase 3 in the cycle of abuse - reconciliation.

The things you just said indicate that you are experiencing the sunk cost fallacy.
The sunk cost fallacy is the tendency to continue investing in a decision or project based on the resources already spent, even when it would be more rational to abandon it. This often leads to poor decision-making, as individuals feel compelled to justify past investments rather than focusing on future benefits.
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Yes, you have invested a lot in this relationship, but are there really a lot of likely future benefits when you are with someone that physically and emotionally abuses you and then uses emotional manipulation to get you to stay?
 
So, she wanted to meet outdoors before I went work, but the weather was bad. So, we had lunch just now at Culver’s. I wasn’t having a lot of fun, not really smiling, told her I was still upset, she said she still was, too, because she doesn’t want my mother ruining her future.

Eventually, it got to the point that I gave her a warning this was her final chance. She kept talking about my mother and I said enough. I said we were on thin ice, and she said if I really loved her that I wouldn’t let my mother talk to her like that. I told her not to manipulate me or my emotions. She got up and left. I said, very seriously, ‘goodbye,’ then she turned around and flipped me off.
 
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