I'm terrified of taking this step, but I must.

[autism-and-autotune]

I'm deciding to finally muster the courage and finally file an official restraining order against my parents. For peace of mind and for the safety of myself and the one who I love, I know that I have to do this.

But part of me is frozen, thinking of consequences or just general hesitation. I hear tons of stories saying 'don't break no contact' or such and such. Then I think of folks who say they wished they'd done this sooner. Is it too extreme to get the law involved? Or are my fears just only fears, and it's up to me to complete this? I feel an essence of guilt as well but it's to be expected. I'm not doing it for no reason. I'm not doing it for revenge. It's necessity.

Does anyone have advice? Will I not be taken seriously as this case discusses my autism?

I have everything written up and documents with emails as well as a clarifying letter or two.

I'm determined but also terrified. Reading a recent book on child abuse experiences solidifies why I must do this. But I'm afraid. But I know that if I let fear rule me, then I'll never follow through and then someday I'll wish I'd followed through.

 

[Forest Cat]

Personally I wouldn't do it, I think it's best to not involve the law with family problems. Because the law doesn't come and go as you wish, if they find a reason to get more involved you can't get rid of them. But if your family is following you and trying to pry your door open, things like that, I guess you have to do what you have to do. It's up to you.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Personally I wouldn't do it, I think it's best to not involve the law with family problems. Because the law doesn't come and go as you wish, if they find a reason to get more involved you can't get rid of them. But if your family is following you and trying to pry your door open, things like that, I guess you have to do what you have to do. It's up to you.

Hmm, I appreciate your feedback. I had thought that the law was binding, no matter what?

 

[Forest Cat]

Hmm, I appreciate your feedback. I had thought that the law was binding, no matter what?

Maybe I was too unlcear, I didn't mean it wasn't binding. I just learned a long time ago that it's always best to avoid involving the law/police in family matters if it's possible to avoid it. But if it's not possible then it's not possible.

I might not understand the problem fully. I try to imagine myself in that situation and if my family bothered me now I would tell them to stop it. I don't really know much about your situation or your parents, so I probably don't have any useful advice. Good luck with everything.

 

[Judge]

Is it too extreme to get the law involved? Or are my fears just only fears, and it's up to me to complete this?

Only you can truly answer your own question. Though obtaining a restraining order is probably the the most drastic- and effective thing to do short of disappearing and ghosting someone.

One thing for sure, it certainly makes a statement to whomever is tormenting you. In the meantime you might want to investigate the potential risks of violating such an order.

https://thelawdictionary.org/article/what-happens-if-a-person-breaks-a-restraining-order/

 

[Outdated]

I'm surprised that you feel you have to involve the law, from what I understand your only recent contact with them has been an email. I live in a different country and a different culture though, here people will and do quite often simply ignore restraining orders. A string of short sharp words is usually far more effective.

 

[Rodafina]

Did something change since that email that you received that would make you want to take this step? What actions currently are making you want to involve the law? I know their past behavior has been egregious, but are you currently under threat from them in anyway? It seems like a large leap to go from wondering if you should engage with them to going for a restraining order.

 

[Aspychata]

Restraining order is drastic, and if you feel your boundaries aren't being respected, you do feel threatened by them due to their actions in the past, then do it. But you also must have a reasonable reason of why you are seeking this order to get it approved by the judge. You can't file for a reason of simply they sent a email, and l feel they are overbearing, and, therefore, l wish to file a restraining order. You have to feel physically or emotionally threatened or both to request this and/or have a police report to bolster your request for as such. This is not legal advice but a context to how restraining orders are granted. This link is a California breakdown of types of restraining orders. For your state, you need to check the courthouse website, as each state has similar but worded differently legal jargonese.

https://www.courts.ca.gov/1260.htm

 

[elgat0verde]

I think you may find solace reading this article

 

[elgat0verde]

I think you may find solace reading this article

I'm sorry for this, I'm on my phone and struggling to get all this in one go

That article helped me realize that I needed to completely cut ties with my narcissistic father and limit my contact with my mother.

I hope it helps you

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Maybe I was too unlcear, I didn't mean it wasn't binding. I just learned a long time ago that it's always best to avoid involving the law/police in family matters if it's possible to avoid it. But if it's not possible then it's not possible.

I might not understand the problem fully. I try to imagine myself in that situation and if my family bothered me now I would tell them to stop it. I don't really know much about your situation or your parents, so I probably don't have any useful advice. Good luck with everything.

Ah, well I did a poor job of explaining my situation. My history with my parents includes abuse and neglect, and more recently nagging/obsessive emails where they only talk about their wants and needs.

Thank you for the good luck--I'll need it. I've just...got a lot of thinking to do.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Only you can truly answer your own question. Though obtaining a restraining order is probably the the most drastic- and effective thing to do short of disappearing and ghosting someone.

One thing for sure, it certainly makes a statement to whomever is tormenting you. In the meantime you might want to investigate the potential risks of violating such an order.

https://thelawdictionary.org/article/what-happens-if-a-person-breaks-a-restraining-order/

Thank you for the article. And while yes, it may be the most drastic--it can certainly be the most effective in making sure it stays followed. Even though my parents say 'We'll respect your boundaries' they repeatedly haven't.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I'm surprised that you feel you have to involve the law, from what I understand your only recent contact with them has been an email. I live in a different country and a different culture though, here people will and do quite often simply ignore restraining orders. A string of short sharp words is usually far more effective.

No; I haven't given most of the full picture. I've been reading a toxic parent book by Dr. Susan Forward which, through anecdotes of abused children, has made me realize that I absolutely cannot afford to be in any contact with them.

Yes, short words and a good response to my mother may be more effective from the outside, but no doubt she'd only use it for later use and current victim-status. "Look what my son said to me despite all I've done for him!"

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Did something change since that email that you received that would make you want to take this step? What actions currently are making you want to involve the law? I know their past behavior has been egregious, but are you currently under threat from them in anyway? It seems like a large leap to go from wondering if you should engage with them to going for a restraining order.

Yes; what changed was that I'm reading a book with anecdotes from adult children who were survivors of abuse. Some of those adults--with either successful careers, loving families, etc.- still feel like wounded and small children by their parents, either living or dead. Just...hearing how they describe what they feel around their old parents due to the parents' actions just makes me think, Do I want to be in their shoes someday? Those guys need to cut them out of their lives!

Currently I'm just filling out the forms, and gathering evidence. I...I guess yes, the leap is large. But these are scared, controlling narcissists we're talking about, who most likely will do anything to be in control. Usually legal action is the only way to stop them in their tracks.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

Restraining order is drastic, and if you feel your boundaries aren't being respected, you do feel threatened by them due to their actions in the past, then do it. But you also must have a reasonable reason of why you are seeking this order to get it approved by the judge. You can't file for a reason of simply they sent a email, and l feel they are overbearing, and, therefore, l wish to file a restraining order. You have to feel physically or emotionally threatened or both to request this and/or have a police report to bolster your request for as such. This is not legal advice but a context to how restraining orders are granted. This link is a California breakdown of types of restraining orders. For your state, you need to check the courthouse website, as each state has similar but worded differently legal jargonese.

https://www.courts.ca.gov/1260.htm

Thank you--your first sentence validates my feelings.

Oh no, the evidence is greater than that--multiple emails, as well as written history of neglect and abuse. The effects, psychologically, I experience whenever around them. My partner can vouch for me in these times.

Thank you for the link, as well.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

I'm sorry for this, I'm on my phone and struggling to get all this in one go

That article helped me realize that I needed to completely cut ties with my narcissistic father and limit my contact with my mother.

I hope it helps you

Thank you for the article! I too found it validating.

 

[Outdated]

but no doubt she'd only use it for later use and current victim-status. "Look what my son said to me despite all I've done for him!"

This part doesn't make sense. You plan on having nothing more to do with them, why would you care about what they say or how they react? You're not going to be there to hear it or be affected by it.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

This part doesn't make sense. You plan on having nothing more to do with them, why would you care about what they say or how they react? You're not going to be there to hear it or be affected by it.

Yes; a good point. Sorry, I'm just...over-thinking. Trying to mentally plan ahead. I don't know.

 

[autism-and-autotune]

This part doesn't make sense. You plan on having nothing more to do with them, why would you care about what they say or how they react? You're not going to be there to hear it or be affected by it.

Well, maybe it's just because I think about extended family members about whom I mean no harm. Cousins, uncles, etc. They'll just wonder why, but my mother controls the narrative.
and yes I know that it won't matter because I'm not there to see it. But it's still on my mind as a thing that bothers me. I'm just...frustrated.

 

[Outdated]

This might sound harsh but it's honest.

I think you are lying to yourself about what you really want. You've never mentioned any worries about your parents coming knocking on your door, in fact the last email they sent said they'd leave you alone if that's what you want.

So why the restraining order? Is it because your parents will have to be notified of the restraining order and that will somehow score a few petty points in a long term feud? It doesn't seem to serve any other practical purpose.

If you want to break away from your parents then that is what you should do. Simply no longer respond and no longer think of them. Get on with your life instead of trying to perpetuate the angst and anger. Let it go. Move on.