Chapter 4: Awake at Night
Paula did indeed feel ‘that’ later, she felt well throughout the afternoon and evening and into the night where she lay awake in bed. But fortunately that same conversion provided with a lot to think about, which she used to try and wash and scrub the embarrassment away, and thus as lied there awake in her bed, she was yet again, staring at the medal Christy gave her.
REGINA SINE LABE ORIGINALI CONCEPTA, ORA PRO NOBIS
These words were engraved around the medal upon which Mary was stamped. Paula a handful of Latin words, as her interest in chemistry led her to come across many words in Latin and Greek, but she couldn’t quite decipher what the words on this medal said,
‘Originali concepta’ sounds like ‘Original Conception,’ or perhaps ‘conceived from origin.’ And I think ‘Regina’ means Queen? Or maybe it means ‘Kingdom…’
Paula strained her brain trying to guess what the words could mean, but all she could draw was a blank. She relaxed her mind’s eye and tried to look back on the subject of Theology and religion as a whole.
Catholicism… That was the religion that this medal referred, it was crafted completely form the beliefs and worldview of this religion, so she focused in on this particular religion and all that it contained,
But there are so many issues I have with it… she thought, the role of women, the teachings on sex, the strict-ness in general…
Unpleasant images and thoughts entered her mind as she imagined what she considered the Catholic Church to be like, and how people like her might be treated. After having those images swirl in her mind for a bit, a thought occurred to her that brought her back where her thoughts were before,
I still don’t even know if God exists. I also kind of don’t know why I’m wondering about this… Still, I guess I should be thinking about this… Right?
Paula tried to focus, she did, ultimately think, or perhaps felt that this question was important, she felt it dishonest to ignore something that seemed so important and go on with life as though it didn’t matter. Yet at the same time choosing one way or the other simply ignores the problems with that position simply because one wanted one position to be true and the other false.
As Paula’s mind probed this area of thoughts and questions, the memory of what Christy had said and she responded came back to the surface,
But, we can’t live like that. We can’t live without morality being a real thing; and God being there to make morality real.
That’s just it, God and morality can only exist because that works for us; not regardless of what we think or feel about the matter. Our feelings about how things should or should not work or be shouldn’t play into this, either God is real or He isn’t; things are either right or wrong because they are right or wrong, not because we want them to be right or wrong, or it’s easier for us for them to be right or wrong.
The medal vanished beneath Paula’s clenched fist she slowly brought to her forehead in embarrassment,
I hope I didn’t sound like a heartless jerk when I said that!!!
She lightened her grip and let her hand rest softly on her face, she paused with her thoughts, waiting for the emotions of embarrassment to dull, then she tried to carefully examine the thoughts involved in what she had said, without re-living the embarrassment of what had happened,
That is a key problem in all of this though, especially with organized religions like Catholicism; how much is real, and how much is just us human beings trying to make reality feel normal and understandable? I mean yes, God is Love, and I guess He’ll try to make Himself understandable to us; but even any fire & brimstone preaching Christian will tell you, that God doesn’t make things all rosy & gumdrops and the like.
She considered all this for a moment and then thought, Assuming of course that God even exists.
She sighed, and turned over in her bed. On the other side of the room there she had a large poster on the wall that showed the table of elements, obscured of course, by the darkness. On a small book shelf beneath the table, there were four objects standing on top of the book shelf, a couple of mineral rocks, a crystal jar full of water, a cloud-shaped air-filled foil balloon on a stick in a jar, and a plasma lamp turned-off for the night. These four objects were of course meant to represent the four states of matter.
Paula stared at her decor, for a bit, then went back to her internal debate,
It keeps going back to that doesn’t it? I keep going in circles with this and in the end, it keeps coming back to the one question, does God really exist?
***
Joseph was standing downstairs in his dark kitchen, not in his pajamas, (though not in his Claritan uniform either) his teeth mint-less and unbrushed, and his troubled mind, still focused on the conversation he was having on the landline, despite being aware of his need to retire for the night. He was speaking with his father Charles, on the phone and more or less venting all that had happened today,
“So yeah, in the end we’re going to do nothing, that’s what Jonathan said.”
“I see,” Charles voice replied through the landline, “well, I’m quite sure Jonathan knows what’s best in this situation, if you can’t do anything you can’t do anything. You shouldn’t sweat about it too much, it’s not worth your agony.”
Joseph turned his head to the right, he found himself staring at his stainless steel fridge, illuminated by the ambient light of his unlit house. On his fridge were a bunch of magnets and pictures held-up by magnets, they display similar yet odd motifs to the eyes of anyone visiting Joseph’s house, some were Scottish in nature, as Joseph McClean was of Scottish descent, others bared Québécois themes, as Joseph’s wife was the daughter of French Canadian immigrants. Yet more foreign to the eyes of anyone visiting the McClean’s household were magnets and images displaying themes of geography and topography, which he himself was fascinated with, (indeed as he stood there, staring at his fridge, his eyes had fixated in one magnet that was a miniature map of his home state of Massachusetts) and weather phenomena, which his wife had an interest in.
“I’m just worried,” Joseph said quietly, continuing his conversation, “Jonathan himself pointed out that we’re less than a year old. The Church is in a state of decline, under attack from both without and within, and here we are doing nothing to change the tide!”
“Nonsense!” His father replied, you’ve people have done great right from the get-go! You’ve helped our community a lot!”
Joseph said nothing, still doubting things.
“Look I guess with you guys it doesn’t seem like much,” Charles continued, “but I can assure you that your group has been a great boost for our parish and our community. We’re very grateful to have you around!”
Joseph thought about this for awhile,
“I guess…” he said, “I do know that success in our own souls is all that matters in the end. And yet.. And yet I help but think about what’s happening in the world and feel like things wouldn’t be so bad if we truly give it our ‘110%’ as they say.”
“Well Monica herself said the only thing that stops prayer, that extinguishes it’s grace, is other peoples’ refusal to be moved by it,” Charles replied, “ you really shouldn’t be blaming yourself for other people’s mistakes and bad behaviour, they define you. We’re defined by our own virtues and vices not others’, only we can make ourselves jump off those proverbial cliffs.”
“I guess you’re right,” said Joseph, “a wise woman, Monica, although I guess she knows that because it’s happened with her herself , she’s changed a lot since last year.”
“So have you son, we all have!” Said Charles, “see you don’t see how much good the Lord has done for our parish and community, there’s so much good that has happened between 2016 and now!”
“I see,” said Jonathan, “yes change does not stop, we either change ourselves for the better or let others change us for the worse.”
Chapter 5: One Of Us