Indirect questions

[Suzette]

My mother asks me indirect questions and I can't tell if she has some motive for doing so?

For example I was taking a nap while she was out of the house. I woke up when she came home and when I saw her she asked me "Were you wonderings who whas clattering around?"

The answer is "no" because it is her house. But it turns out my sister inlaw had been here before I woke up.

But I don't understand why asks me questions in this way. Why not just tell me my sister inlaw had been here?

I feel very defensive with these kind of questions because I can 't figure out if she has a motive that I don't understand.

Can anyone relate? Do you have any thoughts about these kind of questions? Is there a motive here?

 

[Luca]

My parents do this too. I wish I could give you an answer about what it means, but I have no idea either It causes arguments when they do it. I get really defensive too.
I also have a hard time when people paraphrase something I said… my parents will say something like “You said this” and I’m like “That is not what I said!!!”
Ugh…

 

[Suzette]

Thanks for that @crewlucaa_ . These kind of questions seem like a game and I don't understand the rules. What does she really want to know? Why not ask a question that will get the sought answer? "Did you know X was here?"
Very confusing.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Can anyone relate? Do you have any thoughts about these kind of questions? Is there a motive here?

It's likely not a motive, per se, but rather a way of communicating. Many people speak in riddles and dance around the topic. Last week, I had a nurse friend (she's an absolute sweetheart and an awesome nurse) ask me a long line of questions,...I answered them as best I could,...but even a doctor friend of mine who just happened to be standing next to me had a hard time understanding. "Loren,...what are you trying to ask or say?!" He was laughing at her,...I was just confused. Come to find out, it was something about a co-worker and whether or not he could do something for a patient. I was like, "Loren, you're confusing my poor autistic brain." I said with a smile. "How about you simply ask Paul (a fellow respiratory therapist),....instead of asking me about Paul's schedule, like I would somehow know?" She laughed at herself and said, "You're right. Sorry." and she walked away sheepishly. Later in the day, I walked up to her, gave her a smile and said, "I know that it may seem rude to you to use direct language, but with my autism, you pretty much have to with me." She smiled, "I'll try to remember that. Thanks."

It's my understanding that most neurotypicals will use "indirect language" and that most autistics will use "direct language". As you know, if you are an autistic with the typical social and communication difficulties,...and then throw on indirect language into the mix,...it can be confusing.

 

[Au Naturel]

It's likely not a motive, per se, but rather a way of communicating. Many people speak in riddles and dance around the topic. Last week, I had a nurse friend (she's an absolute sweetheart and an awesome nurse) ask me a long line of questions,...I answered them as best I could,...but even a doctor friend of mine who just happened to be standing next to me had a hard time understanding. "Loren,...what are you trying to ask or say?!" He was laughing at her,...I was just confused. Come to find out, it was something about a co-worker and whether or not he could do something for a patient. I was like, "Loren, you're confusing my poor autistic brain." I said with a smile. "How about you simply ask Paul (a fellow respiratory therapist),....instead of asking me about Paul's schedule, like I would somehow know?" She laughed at herself and said, "You're right. Sorry." and she walked away sheepishly. Later in the day, I walked up to her, gave her a smile and said, "I know that it may seem rude to you to use direct language, but with my autism, you pretty much have to with me." She smiled, "I'll try to remember that. Thanks."

It's my understanding that most neurotypicals will use "indirect language" and that most autistics will use "direct language". As you know, if you are an autistic with the typical social and communication difficulties,...and then throw on indirect language into the mix,...it can be confusing.

A lot of times indirect language is used out of insecurity about how the person will react to a direct question. Among NTs there are a lot who will be offended if you are too blunt. So we are burdened with deciphering all those indirect messages while at the same time our directness and lack of subtlety feel insulting to some NTs.

 

[Judge]

I feel very defensive with these kind of questions because I can 't figure out if she has a motive that I don't understand.

Can anyone relate? Do you have any thoughts about these kind of questions? Is there a motive here?

There's another side to such behaviors besides projecting insecurity. Where there's definitely a distinct motive. The same one that goes with certain types of interrogations. Especially those that don't appear that way. Where it may be used to expose the insecurities of others.

When I worked in insurance I recall our inhouse investigator who was quite an expert at such things connected with workers compensation fraud. He could charm the pants off people while getting them to incriminate themselves without the person realizing it. Very much avoiding any direct questions.

Conversely people intending to commit criminal fraud can ask a lot of seemingly benign questions as well. Designed not only to give them what they want, but to put you at ease when you need to be on guard.

If you want to throw people like this off, start by pausing, taking out something like your eyeglasses to clean. Simultaneously glaring at your interrogator to tell them the obvious: "You ask a lot of questions."

-Indirectly letting them know that you're onto them.

Who may be taking on such a role to interrogate you in such a fashion? It can be just about anyone. A total stranger or someone within your personal social orbit.

 

[Fino]

It can be to build suspense. People enjoy having information others don't and withholding that information, even if for a moment.

 

[Tom]

If something like that had happened to me back in my barracks days I would have suspected they had done some prank and were testing to see if I had really been asleep and had gotten away with it or not. Something like stuck pencils up my nose and taken pictures, or probably worse. I would suspect because it was something I might have done.

So how much do you trust your Mom and In-Law?

 

[Suzette]

You all have given me a lot to think about. I am not sure I am any closer to an actual understanding but getting closer.

Obviously I know my mother uses indirect language. I don't trust indirect language. Which means, I have little trust in her. And this lack of trust has caused us no end of strife between us.

The minute she asks these twisted questions I feel pinched between wanting to understand and not knowing the answer, so I think I respond in a way she might think is hostile. Then she doesn't trust me either.

I like @Neonatal RRT's response "you are confusing my poor autistic brain". That seems light hearted. But I don't think she actually believes me. She has shown no interest anyway.

Perhaps @Judge 's suggestion "you ask a lot of questions" is the way to go. Light hearted but gives me a chance to formulate an answer. I will be practicing that line!

My thanks to everyone!

 

[Tom]

And also watch the internet to see if pictures of you sleeping with pencils up your nose start to surface...

 

[watersprite]

My mother asks me indirect questions and I can't tell if she has some motive for doing so?

For example I was taking a nap while she was out of the house. I woke up when she came home and when I saw her she asked me "Were you wonderings who whas clattering around?"

The answer is "no" because it is her house. But it turns out my sister inlaw had been here before I woke up.

But I don't understand why asks me questions in this way. Why not just tell me my sister inlaw had been here?

I feel very defensive with these kind of questions because I can 't figure out if she has a motive that I don't understand.

Can anyone relate? Do you have any thoughts about these kind of questions? Is there a motive here?

It sounds like she is in what I call ‘NT automatic pilot mode’: she’s not processing her own reactions, intent (therefore content) fully, but is speaking.

She’s in there somewhere but who knows how many layers and influences of comvoluted, old family tapes & voices running all at the same time.

A part of her brain is trying to obtain some sort of emotional support in that she wants (needs &/or perhaps expects) you to agree with her.

 

[Suzette]

It sounds like she is in what I call ‘NT automatic pilot mode’: she’s not processing herself fully but is speaking. A part of her brain is trying to obtain some sort of emotional support in that she wants (needs &/or perhaps expects) you to agree with her.

That is just as perplexing. What would she want agreement about? What kind if emotional support could she be seeking?

In any case, without understanding what she wants I can only respond as I do and accept whatever she makes of that.

 

[watersprite]

Yeah.

I can only think about this stuff when it’s past.

My mom and my siblings used to utterly mess with my head. I don’t spend time with them anymore.

As far as I can tell none of it is even important, so I just avoid people who don’t communicate with (?) forthrightness - themselves and others.

 

[Aspychata]

This is her communication style and not yours so confusion is on both sides.

My mom is exactly the same but she is a control freak which can upset me. So l need to emotionally distance myself.

In your particular case- come back with "why do you ask". Just sound innocent too. Do this enough times, maybe she will be a little more direct with you. I will ask this to understand the context of the question. In business, it tells you what kind of attitude or persona you are dealing with.

 

[Suzette]

@Aspychata, I will give that a try.

I really want my mom and I to be closer. I am 54 and she is in her 70s. Prior to understanding my a.s.d. status I theorized many reasons we don't get along. I spent many years avoiding her as she does have some controlling tendancies and she can be completely self absobed. But time is running out and I think giving up comepletely would sad for us both.

P.s. Did I mention I am stubborn?

 

[Au Naturel]

@Aspychata, I will give that a try.

I really want my mom and I to be closer. I am 54 and she is in her 70s. Prior to understanding my a.s.d. status I theorized many reasons we don't get along. I spent many years avoiding her as she does have some controlling tendancies and she can be completely self absobed. But time is running out and I think giving up comepletely would sad for us both.

P.s. Did I mention I am stubborn?

My wife will sometimes want to get me to do something. She is afraid that if she flat out asks, I'll say no. So she'll come up with a list of things we could do and ask me which one I want to do. She's hoping I'll pick the activity she wants. If I pick a suggestion but it isn't the one she wants, then she'll come up with a reason why she doesn't want to do that. I keep going until I hit on the "right" one. The theory in verbal gaming is that this is supposed to make me think I have free choice and its my idea.

This did not work on me in elementary school and it sure doesn't work now and after nearly 40 years of marriage she should know this. But it is one of those manipulative behaviors she learned and she does it automatically. Always seems to work on television...

Or she gives me a bunch of color samples and asks me which one I'd like. (It will never be the color she wants and we're back to that dance again.) Since she is ultimate in charge of picking the color, why is she asking my advice when she has no intention of using it? (No, it does not make me feel included in the decision process. Saw this tactic at work more time than I can count.) Tell me the color you want to use and I'll be okay with it unless it is horrid - which it never is.

At this point I'm getting irritated and tell her to just say what she wants me to do instead of trying to maneuver me into agreeing to something. I'll say yes, no, or maybe. But getting that direct question out of her when she suspects I might say "no" is like pulling teeth.

She thinks the direct question is somehow impolite and she's just being nice. It is how many NTs are wired.

 

[Suzette]

@Au Naturel, my ex husband would do this. That was very frustrating for me.

I am learning how this question of direct vs indirect communication has impacted my relationships negatively my whole life. Well, one is never too old to learn.

 

[Au Naturel]

@Au Naturel, my ex husband would do this. That was very frustrating for me.

I am learning how this question of direct vs indirect communication has impacted my relationships negatively my whole life. Well, one is never too old to learn.

First, you have to figure out what is going on. Can't do that on one question. But as soon as you figure out they are doing the indirect questions, I think the best thing is to confront it directly.

"OK. You obviously have something in mind. Skip the mind games and cut to the chase."

"Why are you asking for my opinion if I don't have any ability to influence the outcome? That's not being polite, it is irritating."

And so on. Dancing around the point without actually touching upon it drives me nuts.

 

[Suzette]

First, you have to figure out what is going on. Can't do that on one question. But as soon as you figure out they are doing the indirect questions, I think the best thing is to confront it directly.

"OK. You obviously have something in mind. Skip the mind games and cut to the chase."

"Why are you asking for my opinion if I don't have any ability to influence the outcome? That's not being polite, it is irritating."

And so on. Dancing around the point without actually touching upon it drives me nuts.

Well, I can't keep quiet about these things, so responding as you do above is what I normally do. It hasn't helped and usually puts my mother on the defensive. She thinks I am just being confortational or oppostional to irritate her.

Sometimes I will say "What is it that you really want to know?" That hasn't helped. When I was younger (oh, say last year or so), she would say "don't get smart with me!".

Since I don't think she believes me about my a.s.d. I don't anticipate that she will try to communicate in a way I understand. I can't change her. But it does help my mind to understand her better.

 

[Au Naturel]

Well, I can't keep quiet about these things, so responding as you do above is what I normally do. It hasn't helped and usually puts my mother on the defensive. She thinks I am just being confortational or oppostional to irritate her.

Sometimes I will say "What is it that you really want to know?" That hasn't helped. When I was younger (oh, say last year or so), she would say "don't get smart with me!".

Since I don't think she believes me about my a.s.d. I don't anticipate that she will try to communicate in a way I understand. I can't change her. But it does help my mind to understand her better.

Well... Having had a number of people get old on me, I know their minds don't always work as well. Some get angry, some get paranoid, some get infantile. What works on my wife won't necessarily work on them because they've lost a lot of their ability to think logically.

It also sounds like your mother was basically authoritarian in her approach to raising you and this is still how she feels. My mother was just the same. Do this thing - be this way - because I tell you to do it. You have nothing to ask, say or contribute in the matter. Anything but instant compliance and total subordination was a challenge to her authority. Only people with a fragile ego act that way.

I was in the military for 6 years and outside of boot camp, I never met a commander that had such an inflexible attitude as she had.