Initial assessment has caused lot of sadness/anxiety

[Gingerlass27]

As per the title. I had an initial 90 minute assessment at a specialist autism service last Wednesday.

I was in hospital last year & the possibility of autism was raised then but I didn't feel ready to investigate it further at that point.

A month or so ago, the issue came back to the fore as my community psychiatric nurse told me she was moving jobs to head up a new service & she couldn't take me with her as a client if the ASD was an appropriate diagnosis for me. She got me to complete a few questionnaires. I scored above the cut off for referral for further assessment.

As I said, I had the initial assessment last Wednesday. I haven't had the report through yet, but the doctor told me they'd be recommending full assessment.

The initial assessment has triggered a surge of high anxiety and very low mood (things I struggle with anyway). I'd tried not to do too much reading/research on ASD, partly denial I think and partly because I didn't want to self diagnose and/or convince myself I was on the spectrum.

I really don't know if I even want to see the report.

I feel really sad, to the point of feeling suicidal.

Can anyone relate?

 

[Judge]

Denial can be a very powerful thing. But not particularly helpful, IMO. Conversely knowledge is power. If you are on the spectrum, self-awareness is the first step you take in becoming proactive over your own neurology.

Don't fear your own truth. You'll find it to be more of an asset than a liability. Good luck with the assessment.

 

[Warmheart]

The initial horror and grief, I remember well. It's a brief valley to pass through on your way to feeling happy and well. If you hurt, it is okay to own it. Process your pain in your own time-- just don't unpack and live there. Remember, we tend to be prone to "black & white thinking" (everything is either very bad or very good ) as well as catastrophizing. Things are in fact much sunnier than they may currently seem.

I would never trade my groovy neurology for anything! We learn how to manage and support our challenges. ASD brings so many cherished gifts! You likely are amazingly talented, honest, loyal, creative, have some impressive expertise in your special interests, with impressive hyperfocus skills, are kind, and have a strong sense of justice. You are in good company here.

In time, your view of ASD will be a brighter one. It's not all about the deficits. We Aspies have a wonderfully supportive community here on AC. Kindness and humor are dispensed regularly here. Welcome, my friend. It will get better! ((((Hugs))))

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

Process your pain in your own time-- just don't unpack and live there. Remember, we tend to be prone to "black & white thinking" (everything is either very bad or very good ) as well as catastrophizing. Things are in fact much sunnier than they may currently seem.

You likely are amazingly talented, honest, loyal, creative, have some impressive expertise in your special interests, with impressive hyperfocus skills, are kind, and have a strong sense of justice. You are in good company here.

In time, your view of ASD will be a brighter one. It's not all about the deficits. We Aspies have a wonderfully supportive community here on AC. Kindness and humor are dispensed regularly here. Welcome, my friend. It will get better! ((((Hugs))))

I agreed & agree with Warmheart, and thought it bore repeating. I remember reeling around thinking I really was some kind of awful facsimile of a person. The only thing that reaction measured was how little I understood myself.

The loss of the relationship with the community nurse is a hurtful outcome. I am myself mourning the loss of a counselor. However, from the sounds of things, we both are going to be forming some new relationships in our respective areas, and while the loss hurts, it's going to get better, in part because even aspies can adapt, and new data is part of what we do well. Things you can't see yet will come and improve the outlook. You can trust that. Be ready to open your hands to them when they come.

Welcome to AC.

 

[Shawn D]

I agreed & agree with Warmheart, and thought it bore repeating. I remember reeling around thinking I really was some kind of awful facsimile of a person. The only thing that reaction measured was how little I understood myself.

The loss of the relationship with the community nurse is a hurtful outcome. I am myself mourning the loss of a counselor. However, from the sounds of things, we both are going to be forming some new relationships in our respective areas, and while the loss hurts, it's going to get better, in part because even aspies can adapt, and new data is part of what we do well. Things you can't see yet will come and improve the outlook. You can trust that. Be ready to open your hands to them when they come.

Welcome to AC.

View attachment 17546

What is this spiffy graph?

 

[tree]

What is this spiffy graph?

I remember after doing some assessment tool, I got a fancy graph like that.
I don't remember what it is or where I put it.
I can find my RAADS easily.
But not the pastel spiderweb thing...

 

[tachyon]

What is this spiffy graph?

Go to Aspie Quiz
and hit the "I accept" button
It's quite long, but you do get the lovely pastel spiderweb thing (as tree called it) at the end - just save it to your hard-drive

 

[Progster]

When I was diagnosed I had been going through a rough period of my life, and my overwhelming feeling was one of relief, that there was a reason for things going wrong, both in the present and in the past, and an explanation as to why I struggled with some things that others find easy. Before diagnosis I had often wondered why I felt differently to other people and had a hard time relating to them. I had thought that I was a really flawed and bad person. After diagnosis I felt a lot of grief at all my past mistakes which could have been avoided if only I had been aware of my Asperger's sooner. But it's never too late and I'm glad to have been diagnosed now because it helps me to understand myself better and helps others to understand me, so I can be forgiving of myself for my mistakes and difficulties, and improve my relationships to others. So, in the end, a diagnosis is a positive step in the right direction to forgiveness and understanding.

I would like to recommend a book to you. It's "Appreciating Asperger Syndrome" by Brenda Boyd. This book will help you to see the positive aspects of AS, and not dwell on the negative ones.

 

[Gingerlass27]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. It's appreciated.

I will look up the reading recommendation. Knowledge is power perhaps.

Things feel a little less horrible today.

I'm glad I found this forum. I already feel a little less like a castaway on my own deserted island.

 

[AsheSkyler]

Not personally, no. I was one of the "dance on the roof tops, sing it in the streets" folks after I found my answer. Eventually even my kind are supposed to go from "I'm autistic!" to "I'm autistic!?", but I haven't gotten there yet. There was recently a story posted about an 11-year-old committing suicide due to her diagnosis, so you're definitely not alone. What exactly is it that has gotten you down about it? The thing that keeps bumming me out is all the stuff saying that I'm broken, will never marry or have kids, and my parents will hate me. I am married, I do have a kid, and I have a good relationship with my family, but it still irks me there is so much negativity.

 

[Gingerlass27]

I think partly it's the knowledge that certain things I'd always hoped (believed) would get better will be things I'm always going to have to cope with - anxiety, depression, sensory sensitivity etc.

I think there's also a sense of mourning for all the years I've struggled and not known why/been told to get over it/act normal etc.

I do feel less awful than I did when I started this thread. Still waiting for my report to arrive.

 

[Joni]

I think partly it's the knowledge that certain things I'd always hoped (believed) would get better will be things I'm always going to have to cope with - anxiety, depression, sensory sensitivity etc.

I think there's also a sense of mourning for all the years I've struggled and not known why/been told to get over it/act normal etc.

I do feel less awful than I did when I started this thread. Still waiting for my report to arrive.

This is exactly how I feel, I cry inside for the child, the teenager and the young woman who struggled and could never understand why she was always on the outside looking in, like a child looking in the sweet shop window with no money to spend.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I think partly it's the knowledge that certain things I'd always hoped (believed) would get better will be things I'm always going to have to cope with - anxiety, depression, sensory sensitivity etc.

I think there's also a sense of mourning for all the years I've struggled and not known why/been told to get over it/act normal etc.

I do feel less awful than I did when I started this thread. Still waiting for my report to arrive.

My current fascination is sensory issues, so maybe something here will help you cope or manage: Sensory Integration Activities: Turning Therapy Into Play

I'm no good for emotional elements like anxiety or depression. A lot of people have found this post helpful though: I Think I Might Be Autistic (Part 4) | Musings of an Aspie

 

[Gingerlass27]

My current fascination is sensory issues, so maybe something here will help you cope or manage: Sensory Integration Activities: Turning Therapy Into Play

I'm no good for emotional elements like anxiety or depression. A lot of people have found this post helpful though: I Think I Might Be Autistic (Part 4) | Musings of an Aspie

Thank you for those links. I've had a brief read and they both look like they'll be really helpful. I'm going to have a good explore of them tomorrow. [emoji106]

 

[Warmheart]

Once you learn how best to support your sensory challenges, and how to manage your emotions (YAAAYYYY, T'ai chi & Zen sitting meditation! WOOHOO!! ), you will begin to feel more stable, more secure-- and more happy.

Even before you have built up your Aspie toolkit, you can spend some time now considering (perseverating upon, even!) the phenomenal gifts your groovy neurology has given you. You are definitely someone people want to get to know. You have some impressive strengths. Your talents and uniqueness set you apart, in a GOOD way.

You really can count on support here. We know how challenging the initial realization feels. Many of us are at a point where we view our ASD with pleasure, humor, and joy.

Better to be a nerd, than one of the herd!

 

[CaveDweller]

I remember this clearly as I was only diagnosed a couple of weeks ago but the waiting time sent me into a terrible state. Also just like you I completely avoided reading up on the subject as I didn't want to walk in there and sound like a talking text book or that I was trying to fit into a diagnosis. Thing is the professionals who do the assessment really know their stuff as it's all they've done for years so all of this is irrelevant. I was given a diagnosis there and then but am still waiting for (and yes, dreading reading) the full report.

As for the actual diagnosis, it's a confusing time as I'm having to take on a new sense of identity, but with it I am starting to find a bit of peace with myself at long last. All of those struggles I've had were beyond my control and I am hoping that I can now be better informed to deal with situations in future armed with this new piece of self. knowledge.

It has to be said I have also found reading other people's experiences and advice on here helpful. It's good to know that you are far from alone.

 

[Annayoung]

Yes I can completely. This post /thread was enlightening for me as well.

 

[Datura]

Hang in there Gingerlass! If you feel those suicidal feeling welling up again then call a suicide hotline. I remember having to do so once, and it helped calm me down. In fact, try to find the number now and keep it handy, should an emergency arise. (sorry if I sound bossy)

But yeah... I am undiagnosed, but for me the biggest fear is that if I get tested it will come back saying everything is alright. Things, however, are very much not alright for me. I have struggled my whole life, and I want to know why. Maybe it's Asperger's maybe it's something else, but identifying it at least provides one with a place to start. I have already resolved that my issues aren't going away, but perhaps I can learn to cope more effectively.

 

[Gingerlass27]

I'm still waiting for my report to arrive. They originally said I should receive it by the end of last week but it didn't arrive. I emailed to chase it up & the receptionist said it was still being prepared & she'd hopefully get it to type up & send out middle of this week (today?). I really hope so as the waiting is horrible.

I do feel calmer through. I have downloaded & read 'I think I might be autistic' by Cynthia Kim and wow!

 

[Progster]

I'm still waiting for my report to arrive. They originally said I should receive it by the end of last week but it didn't arrive. I emailed to chase it up & the receptionist said it was still being prepared & she'd hopefully get it to type up & send out middle of this week (today?). I really hope so as the waiting is horrible.

I do feel calmer through. I have downloaded & read 'I think I might be autistic' by Cynthia Kim and wow!

Oh gosh, I know what that feels like - been there, done that and got the proverbial T-shirt (well, not literally) I hope the report comes soon.

I also really like Cinthia Kim's blog, Musings of an Aspie. When I first discovered it, I read it from beginning to end, including the comments