Insensitive != malicious

[icesyckel]

Had some issues this week with folks IRL accusing me of being insensitive, because I was being blunt, and because I did not "get" how that would make them feel. The folks in question don't know I am an aspie, so I am not upset with them. However, I did try to explain that there was no malice in my comments, and I was trying to help.

Now, IRL, I am far more careful than I am here with trying to watch what I say and how I say it because I figure most of you are more like me than my RL friends and acquaintances. However, for the record, I don't consider being on the spectrum to be an excuse/justification for hurting someone. I am not "blunt" for the sake of being blunt, and I honestly sometimes just don't anticipate what will give offense. I am known for saying things that can be considered inappropriate (at a Halloween party, I got yelled at for remarking on how realistic a kid's bastard sword was).

So, first - apologies to anyone I have unwittingly offended. Second, does anyone else find people (IRL or otherwise) seem to go out of their way to read malice into your words? Is it as if people are going out of their way to find ways to be hurt/offended by things you say (or don't say)? Let me know I am not the only one...

 

[Militantbuddhist]

I believe that the thing about me that pisses people of the most is my relaxed attitude towards almost everything. They think I don't care cause I don't look stressed out when they are and such, the truth being that it's a survival technique for me to cope with the world in general.
I used to be a bit blunt but I have put a lot of work into it and now a days it seems better.

 

[Ylva]

Yes. Yes yes yes. God, yes!

If there are two possible ways to take something I said, going with the worst possible interpretation seems to be the preferred way. Sometimes they do ask. Some of those times, I get confused because you'd have to go a really long and winding road to get to the meaning they are assuming.

People do indeed seem to assume that insensitive and malicious are the same thing. It's like they're not hearing themselves – how could I be malicious in a subtle enough way for it to get ambiguous if I'm not sensitive enough to know how they feel? (Actually, I am, but I don't process it right away so damage control is usually the best I can do. No, wait, that's a lie; I don't predict it fast enough, so I have to see the reaction before realising. But that still leaves the question of why insensitive would equal malicious.)

But hey, maybe it's a survival instinct for them, too.

 

[Militantbuddhist]

I've found out that it's all about your body language and mimic. I have seriously been standing in front of a mirror practicing mimics, and by human testing I've found that mimics count more than words.

 

[Judge]

Is it as if people are going out of their way to find ways to be hurt/offended by things you say (or don't say)?

I suspect NTs didn't learn such conditioned responses from such a small neurological minority like ourselves.

That more likely they got it from negative interactions with their own kind with a mathematically far greater frequency of occurrence in socialization.

And that it's equally likely for Aspies to have to "pick up the tab" in such misinterpreted social interactions. Unfair if and when it's a conditioned response, but it is what it is.

 

[AsheSkyler]

It's hard for me to tell. My dad has a very "get over it" attitude, so I was kind of conditioned to see everybody as a bunch of whiny people who always had their undies in a bunch. I've just gotten used to it being like that. Some days I feel like a mirror though. People look at me, see what they hate most about themselves, and then take that hate out on me. I've been accused of the strangest stuff...

 

[icesyckel]

Yes. Yes yes yes. God, yes!

If there are two possible ways to take something I said, going with the worst possible interpretation seems to be the preferred way.

This^

 

[May Black]

So, first - apologies to anyone I have unwittingly offended. Second, does anyone else find people (IRL or otherwise) seem to go out of their way to read malice into your words? Is it as if people are going out of their way to find ways to be hurt/offended by things you say (or don't say)? Let me know I am not the only one...

In NT world, if people say things that can be perceived as mean, it's generally because they intend to hurt you.

 

[Ylva]

In NT world, if people say things that can be perceived as mean, it's generally because they intend to hurt you.

I'll remember that.

 

[King_Oni]

I kinda fail to see the point. I call a spade a spade and if people think it's insensitive, so be it.

If I were to contemplate everything I said, I guess I'd better shut my mouth and never say anything. And that perhaps goes for the entire population as well. Eventually someone will yell foul anyway.

To me, being intentionally, insensitive, is that moment where I have to take a step back, and think what I should say... and think of something that's intentionally malicious. I've found that first responses for me are mostly the right ones. Yes, sometimes people disagree or feel offended, but I guess it is what it is.

As for being insensitve if others are having problems and I'm just looking really relaxed, wondering what's going on, as if I'm totally spaced out on some drugs... I never considered jumping of a roof just so I can sympathize with someones broken leg a viable option either, so why would I involve myself in emotional pain of others by trying really hard to feel the same?

That said; the place I run into people who actually claim that I've said offensive things at times, is actually this forum. It's not a big deal in a sense that I've found that I could resolve issues with people... but it's interesting though, since many people here claim they end up with the opposite more (offending in real life). Maybe it's the people you're dealing with as well. Maybe it's my personality here also.

Maybe it's also the way I have with words; people have accused me that, and perhaps more in real life than on forums, that I tend to pick my words really carefully to make them as clear and unambiguous as possible. It's not even much of an effort, it's automatic... perhaps that's why I tend to be a good diplomat in plenty of conflicts as well. Thus far, the only conflicts I had were with people who weren't planning to listen anyway and were just out for a physical fight.

 

[Rocco]

Some days I feel like a mirror though. People look at me, see what they hate most about themselves, and then take that hate out on me. I've been accused of the strangest stuff...

Yes, this, and the weird accusations.
And misinterpretation. That's the bane of my existence. I have been accused of some random to criminal things, never having done what I was accused of. All my life.
What's up with that?

 

[Ylva]

I never considered jumping of a roof just so I can sympathize with someones broken leg a viable option either, so why would I involve myself in emotional pain of others by trying really hard to feel the same?

True wisdom.

 

[Flinty]

It isn't my insensitivity being pointed out that annoys me. It's the double standard of others not being called on theirs.

 

[I am Matt]

It isn't my insensitivity being pointed out that annoys me. It's the double standard of others not being called on theirs.

Absolutely. I remember last semester at my community college there was one classmate who would never stop talking. During one break, she was telling the teacher (but talking from across the room) that her sister's baby had died and the funeral would be next week. The teacher literally said "Why would you have a funeral? Wouldn't you just throw it away?"... My issue is not that he was super offensive toward me, but if I said that, I know I would be called an asshole for saying something so rude. When he said it most people just laughed it off.

 

[Randomperson]

Had some issues this week with folks IRL accusing me of being insensitive, because I was being blunt, and because I did not "get" how that would make them feel. The folks in question don't know I am an aspie, so I am not upset with them. However, I did try to explain that there was no malice in my comments, and I was trying to help.

Now, IRL, I am far more careful than I am here with trying to watch what I say and how I say it because I figure most of you are more like me than my RL friends and acquaintances. However, for the record, I don't consider being on the spectrum to be an excuse/justification for hurting someone. I am not "blunt" for the sake of being blunt, and I honestly sometimes just don't anticipate what will give offense. I am known for saying things that can be considered inappropriate (at a Halloween party, I got yelled at for remarking on how realistic a kid's bastard sword was).

So, first - apologies to anyone I have unwittingly offended. Second, does anyone else find people (IRL or otherwise) seem to go out of their way to read malice into your words? Is it as if people are going out of their way to find ways to be hurt/offended by things you say (or don't say)? Let me know I am not the only one...

I believe there is a certain section of the population that grows up and does nothing but try to be the poor innocent person everyone says mean things too, I think it is because they were not disciplined or beaten enough as children to get it out of their systems then.

 

[I am Matt]

I believe there is a certain section of the population that grows up and does nothing but try to be the poor innocent person everyone says mean things too, I think it is because they were not disciplined or beaten enough as children to get it out of their systems then.

Better not talk about beatings. That's wrong in today's society and we need to evolve from that.

 

[May Black]

I'll remember that.

Just keep in mind that you might not have the same sense of what's mean as NT.

Let me give you an example:

"That's a very colorful dress"
To you, that's more than likely just a statement. If an NT says the same thing, what they're really mean is more than likely "What a terrible dress; I really hate all those colors; it doesn't fit the occasion; you look like a clown".

It works vice versa too, but I can't come up with any examples right now.

 

[Ereth]

Better not talk about beatings. That's wrong in today's society and we need to evolve from that.

It's always been wrong.

 

[icesyckel]

First, I appreciate the signs of support. Ylva especially has echoed my sentiments in a way that has allowed to feel less "crazy" since others have experienced this.

Also, I'd like to ask we please avoid debating "beatings" vs. corporal punishment vs. alternative methods of child-rearing for a different thread, possibly under the parenting header.

That said, I do get Random's point: some people do seem to thrive on being the victim, yet the result of creating situations where they play the victim is that someone has to be cast as the bully/tormentor. I feel like being the way I am makes it easy to cast me in that role even though it is completely unfair. I am guessing Ylva has experienced this also, since her initial post was so verbatim in line with my own thoughts/experiences.

I just get so sick of people picking everything I say apart to find the worst possible construction, which is miles apart from my actual intent.

 

[icesyckel]

I believe that the thing about me that pisses people of the most is my relaxed attitude towards almost everything. They think I don't care cause I don't look stressed out when they are and such, the truth being that it's a survival technique for me to cope with the world in general.
I used to be a bit blunt but I have put a lot of work into it and now a days it seems better.

I've managed to reduce my bluntness a bit IRL too, though I often let it fly here b/c I would hope others on the spectrum wouldn't jump on an opportunity to engage in the sort of behavior of which I am with this thread complaining (i.e., by intentionally misinterpreting my words to find malice that was never there).

Also, like you, I can sometimes seem insensitive b/c I am calm when I say something. I have to actually remember to add "sensitivity" to my inflection when speaking since apparently being calm only makes it easier to pain me as an insensitive bully (all my intentions to the contrary).