Insight, guidance, HELP in (AS?) relationship needed

[Sabrina]

Another thing: she might have been so mean to you because she wanted you to forget about her. Being mad about someone hurts less than having heartbreak over someone (in my opinion, probably hers, too).

She also took the time to make the relationship colder little by little, so you wouldn’t be hurt so much. When she saw that it hadn’t worked, she told you those things.

I didn’t do that, I broke up suddenly.I tried to sugar coat the situation, the typical cliche, ‘it’s not you, it’s me’, using gentle words, but I don’t think it worked.

I think she wanted the same result (minimizing your pain) , but she chose to ‘act’ kindly (separating from you little by little) and when she saw that it hadn’t worked out, she started saying all those awful words (in my case I acted cruelly, but talked nicely, but the purpose was the same, trying to minimize the other person’s pain).

 

[Sabrina]

Most of the posts on this thread have been very harsh and uncalled for. @JayJamesJay has not said anything to motivate such unamicable replies. He was looking for support, that’s it. There’s no need to be mean.

And yes, I think the girlfriend might have been an aspie, basically because I see myself in her mistakes.

Almost daily there’s women coming here asking us if we know how their male, possibly- aspie, partners are thinking, and all is good. This is the first time that I’ve seen that a man asks about what his possibly-aspie exgirlfriend might be thinking, and all hell breaks loose.

Actually, even I was asking a few days ago about opinions on what my soon to be ex-husband might be thinking, and all was good.

IT IS THE SAME.

 

[Sabrina]

One more thing. Before those relationships that I mentioned, I had another one of two years and nine months. I was a teenager virgin, there was not coitus (quoting Sheldon Cooper). The main reason was that I was too fat (I developed an eating disorder while in the relationship, and I gained a lot of weight at that time) and I didn’t want him to see me.

Maybe your girlfriend had a body image issue that you were unaware of, because it seems strange to me that after 23 yrs of marriage, and other romantic relationships, she didn’t want to have sex with you, most of all, if you say that you are good looking and she enjoyed your company.
I once had a friend that was barbie-level-beautiful (for example) but she was never beautiful enough in her mind. Your girlfriend struggled with depression, even if she was beautiful, she could have had body image issues.
Also, at 55, from what I’ve read, a decrease on hormone production can affect libido, as well as medication for depression.

 

[xudo]

hmm. me. i can guess, imply, use my experience and apply the wisdom that comes with being in the world, after dealing with the thousands of people, to have a sense of what someone MIGHT have been feeling, thinking, motivated by or wanting - when they do ANY NUMBER of things.

Precisely what (most) people with ASD struggle with. You may well be able to 'put yourself in others shoes' but people on the spectrum simply cannot do this, hence why I said that why we share neurology it does not follow that we know how others think and feel.

wait - i thought thats was what this forum was kinda here for? no? a place to process things. am i violating,,, missing something, or something?.

Indeed some do come here looking for advice, information etc. but not everyone who comes here for those reasons is happy to accept the advice they are given.

 

[xudo]

Most of the posts on this thread have been very harsh and uncalled for. @JayJamesJay has not said anything to motivate such unamicable replies. He was looking for support, that’s it. There’s no need to be mean.

I haven't seen anyone being mean here. Blunt and to the point maybe, but not mean. We have given advice, although I'm not sure how willing the OP is to accept it. She has said she is not attracted to him, that should say all that's needed.

 

[JayJamesJay]

Hello Sabrina.... Thank you for that. Honestly! That is one of the most beautiful and well articulated sets of ideas I have been offered on this side of things, from anyone... I mean that. Healing words and I appreciate them. Thank you
Jay

 

[onlything]

No use waiting. It's over.

I'm sorry.

 

[Tom]

At it's core this feels like a no means no issue.

 

[SnailPie]

Hi James,

I'm new here, but have spent YEARS untangling situations a lot like this one.

I have AS, my ex-husband did not. When he ended our marriage after 25 years (by finally slipping enough to let me find out about his secret life hooking up with other people for decades, after being the sexless partner in our marriage!), I spent countless hours trying to figure out "why" and "Is it because of me?" among other things.

He, like your lady friend, just turned utterly cold--shark eyes--when he realized I knew his secrets. It was OVER. I'd never seen that side of him before, but obviously it had been there all along.

I was devastated and felt so betrayed. I also realized there was no going back or "trying to MAKE it work" with a person who could treat me that way. I do have some self-respect after all.

The best thing I did was to focus on ME and what I needed, and stop myself every time I wasted precious energy trying to figure out his problems. (He had many.)

He was never going to be what I needed, and in fact, never was the man I thought he was, in the relationship I believed we had. It was never his reality.

Since you are not married or co-habitating, the fastest route to healing for you is to go 100% no contact with her. Block her everywhere, fb, etc. block her phone, no texting, no emailing, no letters. Nada. Don't tell her, just do it.
Every time you have contact, it's like opening the wound all over again.

As others here have said, the relationship is OVER, because she says it is over. It's terrible for you, but there is really nothing you can do to help her or change her mind, even if she is on the spectrum somewhere. It stinks, but there it is.

She may come hovering around just as you start to get over her, or if she hears you're happy with someone new. In which case, you should probably redouble your efforts to block all contact with her. It'll just be a replay of what happened before, but it will hurt twice as much.
(This from years of being on other boards for people like me who had been betrayed in their marriages. If our partners are capable of awful, uncaring behavior, that's WHO THEY ARE. They're not going to grow a conscience or start loving you better all of a sudden. I wish they could.)

You might think about focusing your energies on getting some distance from her and finding someone who can give you the love you are capable of giving them.



Just my .02, worth exactly that.
Best of luck to you!

 

[Fitzo]

Hi James,

I'm new here, but have spent YEARS untangling situations a lot like this one.

I have AS, my ex-husband did not. When he ended our marriage after 25 years (by finally slipping enough to let me find out about his secret life hooking up with other people for decades, after being the sexless partner in our marriage!), I spent countless hours trying to figure out "why" and "Is it because of me?" among other things.

He, like your lady friend, just turned utterly cold--shark eyes--when he realized I knew his secrets. It was OVER. I'd never seen that side of him before, but obviously it had been there all along.

I was devastated and felt so betrayed. I also realized there was no going back or "trying to MAKE it work" with a person who could treat me that way. I do have some self-respect after all.

The best thing I did was to focus on ME and what I needed, and stop myself every time I wasted precious energy trying to figure out his problems. (He had many.)

He was never going to be what I needed, and in fact, never was the man I thought he was, in the relationship I believed we had. It was never his reality.

Since you are not married or co-habitating, the fastest route to healing for you is to go 100% no contact with her. Block her everywhere, fb, etc. block her phone, no texting, no emailing, no letters. Nada. Don't tell her, just do it.
Every time you have contact, it's like opening the wound all over again.

As others here have said, the relationship is OVER, because she says it is over. It's terrible for you, but there is really nothing you can do to help her or change her mind, even if she is on the spectrum somewhere. It stinks, but there it is.

She may come hovering around just as you start to get over her, or if she hears you're happy with someone new. In which case, you should probably redouble your efforts to block all contact with her. It'll just be a replay of what happened before, but it will hurt twice as much.
(This from years of being on other boards for people like me who had been betrayed in their marriages. If our partners are capable of awful, uncaring behavior, that's WHO THEY ARE. They're not going to grow a conscience or start loving you better all of a sudden. I wish they could.)

You might think about focusing your energies on getting some distance from her and finding someone who can give you the love you are capable of giving them.



Just my .02, worth exactly that.
Best of luck to you!

I feel for you and your experience with your husband and I know how it feels to be lied to and deceived.

However, I just don't see the similarity between your experience and Jay's.
She made it clear after just a few weeks that she wasn't interested in continuing any sexual contact. Given that she had been married for 25 years and had children, it seems unlikely her (possible) ASD prevented her from intimate relations. She never introduced him to any other people in her life beside the sister she lived with, never had Christmas or Thanksgiving with him and obviously didn't treat him like a partner. She tried to cut down contact with him gradually over time and only had to spell it out bluntly when he still refused to see what she probably thought had been obvious for a considerable amount of time. I think it is unfair to assume she is the " bad guy" in this scenario. Some people just don't want to see the writing on the wall and the only way to get through to them is to be absolutely brutal about it. He also stated that she seemed uncomfortable doing this, which doesn't surprise me at all. I have had similar situations thrust on me when I tried very hard to avoid them. Not only for their sake but for my own! I hate hurting people and it upsets me deeply to be forced into a situation where I have no other choice.
After almost two years of no intimacy, no attempt to deepen the connection and in fact the polar opposite of that I struggle to see why he was still under the illusion that everything was hunk dory.
Not only that but despite her having spelled it out in no uncertain terms...he is STILL talking about " fighting for and working it out"! And now maybe it's ASD that's the cause of her total lack of interest in having an intimate relationship!!!
SERIOUSLY? What is it going to take for him to recognise the fact that it's done and dusted and was never the "relationship" he wanted to believe it was.

This is starting to sound less like a broken heart and more like a very unhealthy obsession in my opinion.

 

[SnailPie]

You're right, Fitzo, our situations weren't similar, (except for the fact that he very quickly decided intimate relations of any magnitude were not something he was interested in, and I, like a dork, believed him when he said his "issues" were from childhood abuse. What a way to pull on my heartstrings and get me to stick around! Turns out, things worked just "fine", only just with random hookups off Craigslist...but I digress... )

You're correct that I should have clarified that it was what I DID in response to the breakup which was what I was sharing.

So for the OP's benefit:

1. First I had to recognize that the relationship was unsalvageable. (He said he preferred strangers and porn to me and always would. Well, not much to work with there. Yet, it did take a while to really sink in, I admit.)

2. I had to...as "Chumplady" says (An infidelity support group I belong to) "Stop Untangling the Skein of F*ckupness".
In other words, stop spending precious energy focusing on the person who wronged me, trying to "figure him out", or "fix the situation"--all of which was really beyond my control. I could apply all the mental gymnastics I wanted to the situation, but he was who he was. Period.

3. Go completely "No Contact". (Also thanks to ChumpLady, a site I highly recommend for anyone who's been cheated on. She outlines the steps to regaining your sanity via this method and I can attest that it works.) That means cut off ALL CONTACT and input about/from the person, even from third parties. As in, "I appreciate you letting me know about X, but please refrain from giving me any information about them from here on out. Thanks!" No stalking their Facebook page, no sending cute pics of the "Happier Days". I did ALL of these things and believe me, it changed nothing. It made me feel worse.
(Nothing says "You've been an idiot" more than finding your spouses active online dating profiles where they describe you as "Sexless (not true), "absent" (that was him), or the worst--"DECEASED"!)
I would highly suggest not ever looking at anything like that, because as they say,
"You just can't UN-SEE it."

4. "Get a Life". What I mean by that is focus on yourself, what you love to do, and what gives you joy. Get busy DOING things and THINKING about things which have nothing to do with the person who broke your heart. There is only so much room in the old noodle, (brain), so if it's packed with good thoughts about where to get the metro in the new city you're visiting, and your body stays physically busy hiking or biking or whatever you like to do, you're less likely to have a weak moment and let your fingers do the walking over to your Ex's Facebook page...


I wish the OP lots of luck, getting over someone you really cared for, even if they weren't who you thought they were and even if they were awful to you, is a ***** under the best circumstances.

Cheers!

 

[Mary Anne]

my fault? thanks

thats pretty black and white.

Hey Jay,
What seems like a shocking new change to you was actually formulating the entire relationship from what I can read from your description. Have you considered seeing a therapist to help YOU recover from this break up? In the long run, this heartache over what she did, what she feels, what she said, what her dx as far as asperger’s might be....none of this focus is helping YOU mend. Obsessing about her not going to change the outcome of your broken relationship. For whatever reasons she had, she gave you plenty of signals something was wrong. Maybe she had her own difficulties ending the relationship sooner, or in trying to deal with your strong needs for it to work. It does not matter now about “ her” I would say to start dealing with your personal feelings of loss, anger, desires, etc with the focus on yourself. Recovery is about YOU and not “her.”