Interesting video for those heterosexual males struggling to find a girlfriend. A woman's point of view.

[Hypnalis]

There is indeed more to the story.

JustPearlyThings is in a space where "guilt by association", and opinions based on counter-factual claims are common on both sides.

This is why I said above:
"these are complicated times for people who prefer objective truth about human relations and relationships"

I doubt discussing such things here will change anything IRL, but I hope we can just let it go.

(& BTW - I'm not going to quantify what I said about "complicated times" in italics above)

 

[Luca]

BTW - I'm not going to quantify what I said about "complicated times" in italics above)

Not sure if this is your intent but this comes off as very condescending.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I typically try to avoid generalizations, but I would agree with you on this topic. All I can say is that with my experience working closely with a 90+% female staff for over 35 years in a 2000+ bed metropolitan hospital, plus all the females in my life, I swim in the estrogen ocean. I've never met a female who wasn't "picky". I deal with this characteristic literally every moment of my life at work and at home. You just have to "roll with it" and when in doubt, communicate.

That doesn't mean that you have to allow anyone to run over you. Certainly, don't be an emotional "doormat". At some level, you have to project some inner strength in order to receive respect from others. So when it comes to the topic of "pickiness", we can communicate, discuss, and disagree. I can be agreeable or disagreeable when the moments present themselves.

Let the comments begin.

I definitely agree with this as well. I should also say that I've had to go very far out of my way to avoid picky women in my life. On the flip side, if I got asked out by 20 different women per day, I'd eventually become a bit of a snob, too. Life experience just kind of shapes us like that, and anyone could get spoiled by it. Evolution likely makes this favorable for a good 50% of the population, but I like to avoid generalizations as well because this definitely isn't the case for everyone.

The one curveball is that I think being ND makes it harder on both sides, too, or at least for a lot of people

 

[Magna]

If you have found out what makes a man attractive to a woman, you've found out something about that woman. Ain't no such thing as a universal rule. Anyone who says otherwise is power-tripping.

Bad boys, strong and silent, sensitive, and submissive types all appeal to someone. Opposites attract but so do complementary couples. Probably the best thing is to share a sense of humor and interests. Listening with comprehension is important. Being able to offer some security helps.

Married for 35 years to a woman who was almost the opposite of me in many ways. Being strong where the other person is weak works as long as it's reciprocated. Does lead to arguments until you can wear off the sharp corners and jagged edges.

Funny that even though reproduction is waning in importance, those traits that make you a good bet as a father and a provider still rule in many ways.

While it's true that each person is an individual (humans aren't clones), the exception is not the rule. Generalities do exist in relation to what both sexes find attractive of the other. There is a lot of denial about this fact in that regard. I'd say much more so than in the past.

However, you might be saying that what's important is being attractive to an individual you want to be in a relationship and vice versa. In other words, it's what that one other person finds attractive (in you) that counts. If that's what you're saying, then naturally, I'd agree.

Just as an example of generalities that are correct, I bolded generalities in your quote where you state after your first sentence that in essence there are no generalities.

We're also in an age where data, actual facts on dating are readily available. People on dating apps in the privacy of their own homes are not going to indicate they're attractive to someone they're really not for virtue signal points when no one is looking. They're going to act honestly. There are absolutely generalities that occur with both men and women in what they generally (the majority) like in the other. The exceptions are not the rule. The exceptions exist of course, but they are not the rule.

 

[Rodafina]

While it's true that each person is an individual (humans aren't clones), the exception is not the rule. Generalities do exist in relation to what both sexes find attractive of the other. There is a lot of denial about this fact in that regard. I'd say much more so than in the past.

@Magna,
You seem really adamant about defending the existence of generalities. Do you think these generalities are important for neurodiverse people? I am asking that question with neutrality and curiosity, not trying to confront your thinking. It just seems like as autistic people the generalities so often do not apply to us, and so it is more important for our group to look into the exceptions.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Well, I am glad I posted this. A lot of good discussion here. I have viewed a small sampling of her videos. As with anyone, there are things that I definitely agree with, this and other topics, but there are some things that I cannot relate to or agree with. I get the overall impression that she is somewhat "conservative-to-independent-minded", as she approaches these discussions with some resistance to the far-left, "woke", "extreme feminist" female. There is definitely a strong role to play with regards to "feminism", but as with anything, if taken too far, it becomes nonsense,...and Pearl is quick to call out those situations as such.

Pearl seems to be making some attempt at what Jordan Peterson has/is done/doing, although from a female perspective. She's stimulating a conversation amongst us. Although her approach and style is quite a bit different. Both Pearl and Jordan have opinions that I sometimes can agree with, and makes practical sense, and other times, not so much. I can accept the "good and bad" advice, and pick and choose what fits in my life. I'd never make a broad, sweeping judgment upon anyone based upon a few, disagreeable statements.

 

[Jordy]

A minority of man are just left out of the game completely. It seems that both ends of the political spectrum have their own way of trying to appeal to these man and get their vote.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

A minority of man are just left out of the game completely. It seems that both ends of the political spectrum have their own way of trying to appeal to these man and get their vote.

That seems to be the case, for both men and women. As in nature, as cruel as it can be sometimes, some males and females will never pass on their genes. Females, in most cultures, are free to pick their mates. One might think that it is a two-way street, but ultimately it is the female who makes these decisions. You see this time and time again across most species on Earth. Whatever characteristics they happen to choose in a mate, is up to them, and as males, we don't really have much of a voice in the matter. As in nature, both males and females have their distinct way of "sexual signaling", and if it is not working in any given situation, there's not a whole lot anyone can do. I think the video highlighted this, and as viewers, we characterized this as "pickiness", and that is an accurate statement.

As far as the political perspectives on this topic, I agree, there are certain "fringe" groups that identify with the "left" or the "right", and are pushing a narrative that it is "somebody's fault." "It's not fair!" Well, NOTHING in nature is. We would like to convince ourselves that we are pursuing a "fair and equitable", "civilized" society. On the other hand, sometimes we just cannot escape biology and natural selection.

 

[Magna]

@Magna,
You seem really adamant about defending the existence of generalities. Do you think these generalities are important for neurodiverse people? I am asking that question with neutrality and curiosity, not trying to confront your thinking. It just seems like as autistic people the generalities so often do not apply to us, and so it is more important for our group to look into the exceptions.

No offense taken. This topic is about dating in the present time. Autistic people are the exception to the general rule when it comes to neurology since we comprise approximately 2% +/- of the general population according to my recollection.

Dating in the present time is something that I find very interesting because I can look at it objectively. It doesn't affect me any longer. I'm married. I also have the experience of living and dating prior to the internet even existing let alone dating apps so I have the perspective of seeing how things have changed. I, like many others my age therefore can see how damaging the current dating "sphere" has become for both men and women. That does in turn affect humanity as well.

Back to generalities and exceptions relating to dating and to your question about ND people.

Do I think these generalities are important for neurodiverse people? ND people are affected by generalities of attraction just like NT people are. A 5 foot 2 inch NT man is going to have a challenge in the dating marketplace as much as a 5 foot 2 inch ND man is in comparison to an NT or ND man who is 6 feet tall for example. So yes, generalities do apply to "us" when we're talking about what each sex generally considers to be attractive in the opposite sex. We're talking about heterosexuality in this thread because that's what the OP's subject is about.

I fully accept the fact that there are exceptions to the rules of what is generally attractive. Absolutely. That's without question. My point that I've stressed is that there has been what seems to be an increasingly held denial that generalities exist in what each sex considers attractive about the other. That's a denial of basic and indisputable fact. Is the denial of basic facts in any part of life typically a good thing or a bad thing?

 

[Rodafina]

No offense taken. This topic is about dating in the present time. Autistic people are the exception to the general rule when it comes to neurology since we comprise approximately 2% +/- of the general population according to my recollection.

Dating in the present time is something that I find very interesting because I can look at it objectively. It doesn't affect me any longer. I'm married. I also have the experience of living and dating prior to the internet even existing let alone dating apps so I have the perspective of seeing how things have changed. I, like many others my age therefore can see how damaging the current dating "sphere" has become for both men and women. That does in turn affect humanity as well.

Back to generalities and exceptions relating to dating and to your question about ND people.

Do I think these generalities are important for neurodiverse people? ND people are affected by generalities of attraction just like NT people are. A 5 foot 2 inch NT man is going to have a challenge in the dating marketplace as much as a 5 foot 2 inch ND man is in comparison to an NT or ND man who is 6 feet tall for example. So yes, generalities do apply to "us" when we're talking about what each sex generally considers to be attractive in the opposite sex. We're talking about heterosexuality in this thread because that's what the OP's subject is about.

I fully accept the fact that there are exceptions to the rules of what is generally attractive. Absolutely. That's without question. My point that I've stressed is that there has been what seems to be an increasingly held denial that generalities exist in what each sex considers attractive about the other. That's a denial of basic and indisputable fact. Is the denial of basic facts in any part of life typically a good thing or a bad thing?

Makes sense, what you say. Thank you for taking the time to elaborate.

It is very interesting to consider what the Internet has done to dating and to look at the available data being gathered through its use.

 

[Swansong]

I'll give my unsolicited opinion.

At the end of the day, I feel that a big part of this issue is simply a matter of supply and demand (as yucky as it may feel putting it in such terms).

Let's be honest here, when most men talk about "dating" and "relationships" that often includes a heavy sexual element, at least in relative terms to how women use it. Not to say it also doesn't include an emotional aspect.

Whether it's because of biology, culture, a mix both and any other possible factors us men seem to be on average a whole lot more fixated on sex as a goal unto itself than the average woman. This simply means that, again on average, men will be far less picky when it comes to trying to find a partner which in turn gives women, relatively speaking, the ability to be much more selective.

Now, some types of men will often think that such a fact means women are inherently privileged in this aspect but this is often because they haven't meaningfully interacted with a lot of women and they think they're simply men with breasts. In reality, at least in my personal experience, women value sex by itself a whole lot less so the option to simply sleep around with whoever isn't particularly appealing. Of course, some do, and I'm sure they have a grand old time.

Another factor at play is that I think there's a cultural tradition of friendships between men and other men being fairly shallow and surface level while those between women are usually allowed to be deeper and more emotionally involved. Add to that the fact that deep friendships between men and women are relatively uncommon, there's even such a silly idea like the "friendzone" that seems them as even kind of negative, simply because so many men are so obsessed with sex, or simply do not know better, that they cannot see a friendship with an available woman as anything but a stepping stone towards sex/a romantic relationship.

At the end of the day if one is man that's generally sexually unattractive for whichever set of reasons, well it's tough but there's no way around it, that's the reality of the free market, to call it something silly. But if you want to feel less lonely then you should genuinely aim to make true friendships with women just for it's own sake, not with the hope that down the line you'll get your chance at something more.

Despite being heavily unappealing in multiple ways I once had a few women be attracted to me that really shouldn't have (dumb luck I suppose) but what I truly miss the most are the lady friends I once had, they were warm, caring, gentle and understanding and in turn I tried to be the best friend that I could. I really like women and by that I don't mean just physically, I just liked being around them far more than I ever did with men and it was far simpler to be a friend since the "requirements" were often a whole lot lower for evident reasons.

Yeah, there's nothing inherently wrong with desiring sex. But at the end of the day there's pornography and sex workers and whatever, I say it's better to try and form emotional connections just for your own sake but also to do away with at least some of the desperation. Finding a romantic/sexual partner should be a goal, of course, but desperation makes that the goal of their existence for many men which tends to make everything worse.

 

[Jordy]

I'll give my unsolicited opinion.

At the end of the day, I feel that a big part of this issue is simply a matter of supply and demand (as yucky as it may feel putting it in such terms).

Let's be honest here, when most men talk about "dating" and "relationships" that often includes a heavy sexual element, at least in relative terms to how women use it. Not to say it also doesn't include an emotional aspect.

Whether it's because of biology, culture, a mix both and any other possible factors us men seem to be on average a whole lot more fixated on sex as a goal unto itself than the average woman. This simply means that, again on average, men will be far less picky when it comes to trying to find a partner which in turn gives women, relatively speaking, the ability to be much more selective.

Now, some types of men will often think that such a fact means women are inherently privileged in this aspect but this is often because they haven't meaningfully interacted with a lot of women and they think they're simply men with breasts. In reality, at least in my personal experience, women value sex by itself a whole lot less so the option to simply sleep around with whoever isn't particularly appealing. Of course, some do, and I'm sure they have a grand old time.

Another factor at play is that I think there's a cultural tradition of friendships between men and other men being fairly shallow and surface level while those between women are usually allowed to be deeper and more emotionally involved. Add to that the fact that deep friendships between men and women are relatively uncommon, there's even such a silly idea like the "friendzone" that seems them as even kind of negative, simply because so many men are so obsessed with sex, or simply do not know better, that they cannot see a friendship with an available woman as anything but a stepping stone towards sex/a romantic relationship.

At the end of the day if one is man that's generally sexually unattractive for whichever set of reasons, well it's tough but there's no way around it, that's the reality of the free market, to call it something silly. But if you want to feel less lonely then you should genuinely aim to make true friendships with women just for it's own sake, not with the hope that down the line you'll get your chance at something more.

Despite being heavily unappealing in multiple ways I once had a few women be attracted to me that really shouldn't have (dumb luck I suppose) but what I truly miss the most are the lady friends I once had, they were warm, caring, gentle and understanding and in turn I tried to be the best friend that I could. I really like women and by that I don't mean just physically, I just liked being around them far more than I ever did with men and it was far simpler to be a friend since the "requirements" were often a whole lot lower for evident reasons.

Yeah, there's nothing inherently wrong with desiring sex. But at the end of the day there's pornography and sex workers and whatever, I say it's better to try and form emotional connections just for your own sake but also to do away with at least some of the desperation. Finding a romantic/sexual partner should be a goal, of course, but desperation makes that the goal of their existence for many men which tends to make everything worse.

Woman want sex as much as man do.

 

[Slime_Punk]

Woman want sex as much as man do.

I'm going to strongly disagree on that one, lol

 

[tree]

It depends on which man or woman a person has in mind.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I'll give my unsolicited opinion.

At the end of the day, I feel that a big part of this issue is simply a matter of supply and demand (as yucky as it may feel putting it in such terms).

Let's be honest here, when most men talk about "dating" and "relationships" that often includes a heavy sexual element, at least in relative terms to how women use it. Not to say it also doesn't include an emotional aspect.

Whether it's because of biology, culture, a mix both and any other possible factors us men seem to be on average a whole lot more fixated on sex as a goal unto itself than the average woman. This simply means that, again on average, men will be far less picky when it comes to trying to find a partner which in turn gives women, relatively speaking, the ability to be much more selective.

I would agree with these statements as more likely the heart of the matter. Males, across species lines, are more interested in the sexual component, overall. Whereas, in social societies where there are actual parents raising the young, a female is ultimately going to be more satisfied with a male who has protective instincts, intelligence, is loving, supportive, and so on. More of a psychological profile.

Initial physical attraction has its role to play in getting two people together, but after that, the largest sexual organ is the one between your ears.

 

[Au Naturel]

While it's true that each person is an individual (humans aren't clones), the exception is not the rule. Generalities do exist in relation to what both sexes find attractive of the other. There is a lot of denial about this fact in that regard. I'd say much more so than in the past.

However, you might be saying that what's important is being attractive to an individual you want to be in a relationship and vice versa. In other words, it's what that one other person finds attractive (in you) that counts. If that's what you're saying, then naturally, I'd agree.

Just as an example of generalities that are correct, I bolded generalities in your quote where you state after your first sentence that in essence there are no generalities.

We're also in an age where data, actual facts on dating are readily available. People on dating apps in the privacy of their own homes are not going to indicate they're attractive to someone they're really not for virtue signal points when no one is looking. They're going to act honestly. There are absolutely generalities that occur with both men and women in what they generally (the majority) like in the other. The exceptions are not the rule. The exceptions exist of course, but they are not the rule.

And that's why I didn't make those statements as absolutes.

I am pretty confident that having the qualities I mentioned will greatly improve your chances of a return engagement over not having them. They are a far better bet than their absence.

I don't think dating app data is terribly useful. Everyone lies, and everyone knows everyone else is lying. Everyone has unrealistic beliefs about what they offer and unrealistic expectations of what they might get. It skews the choices.

Anyone can write up a killer profile; that's just marketing. Things like money and status and looks can help, but a majority of relationships are between very ordinary people. What counts is the attraction two people might feel when they've seen each other and how long it lasts. That depends more on personality and subtle psychological factors that don't quantify well because the people involved aren't even aware of them.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

Her Twitter profile paints the picture of a very closed-minded, reactionary, and arrogant person. I wouldn't take any advice from her too seriously.

I came to the same conclusion, after finding her videos a couple months ago. At first she seemed reasonable, but the more I saw, the more reactionary she appeared. And a lot of her videos with discussion groups just come off as very staged.

I tend not to trust people who provide answers too easily. Life is neither that simple nor that complicated. And a lot of YouTube advice channels seem to reflect online discussions and this kind of "cyber reality" more than real life. That's my experience, anyway.

 

[paloftoon]

A rando on a different forum suggested I look at the website Girlschase. It is geared for heterosexuals- so, not so much for me, but it may help you.

 

[Markness]

JustPearlyThings is also a friend of Andrew Tate, IIRC. That doesn’t sit well with me.

 

[Au Naturel]

I'm going to strongly disagree on that one, lol

Depends on the woman. And on the man. There's no official level of sexual interest for either gender. Until I can crawl into a woman's mind, (Ideally, many women's minds.) I'll have no way to compare the two. And many male minds as well. I cannot assume my mind reflects some kind of masculine average.

Many middle age and older people report that the male sex drive drops and the female increases. The lines on the graph cross.

Men have a propensity for having sex with a lot of women. That's biology. Women have a propensity for a lot of sex with a chosen man. That's biology too. Sex isn't just about getting pregnant; it is about selecting the best possible partner and bonding the selected partner as closely as possible to ensure progeny have the best chance of surviving. Biology is not destiny, but it helps explain common behavior. Culture can distort biology.

Women who have a strong sex drive are actively discouraged from expressing it. Very few want to be thought of as a "slut" or a "harlot." That is the influence of culture. It skews nature quite dramatically. Birth control, abortion, changing gender roles, and the decline of traditional religion somewhat mitigate that cultural bias, but it still remains powerful.