Internal Meltdowns/Shutdowns (even as a child)?

[Deepthought]

I have shut-downs, lock-ins or seizures as my meltdowns.

The shut-downs involve to all intents and purposes falling unconsciously asleep, and the lock-ins are much the same but for being fully, partially or not at all aware of what is going on around me.

The seizures which are 'psychogenic' (stress induced) used to involve the full on flailing body spasm and cramp contortion sort most of the time when I was younger, but with deep gentle pelvic breathing exercises and stress management ~ most of the seizures are of the small scale rapid eye movement variety now, and I only have the large scale ones when I get super-stressed.

 

[Dave GF]

Hi all,

I am having some trouble finding research and personal narratives about internalized distress from childhood onward. So, a natural tendency towards silence, not one borne of masking. A loud expression of distress is one feature of autism I have never resonated with. My distress feels more stuck, and certainly more silent, than loud. When I was little I'd sort of phase out and disconnect from my distress. I called it "floating", even though I wasn't on the ceiling or a ghost or anything. I was just...porous, I guess.

When grown-ups called me a "little peacemaker", I came to appreciate my detachment and saw it as a way to not be bothersome to anyone, and thus to be more or less free to do my own thing, which was basically my plan all along. My middle childhood was chaotic, but even as a baby, I appeared weirdly unresponsive to anything, yet also subversive in my activity. The kid who does what they want without saying a thing. That was me. It's still me, in a lot of ways, and contributes to my difficulty in communicating with others what's going on in my head. I have a lot of trouble with this, albeit less when I can write it down.

I'm looking for community in this quietness, if possible. I would love to be able to relate to screaming and throwing things and destroying stuff and whatever else is documented as "classic presentations of ASD", but I just....don't. But I don't relate to "learning" how to be quiet, either, as a result of a trauma. Learning how to keep being quiet, maybe, but that's not the same thing. Even my therapist suggested that I developed maladaptive behaviors as a result of seeing loud brothers and how it taxed my mom. I don't think so.

So. Anyone else a weirdly quiet baby who then grew up to have internalized meltdowns and shutdowns, looking "fine" all the time, while still not quite being able to "get their lives together"?

 

[Dave GF]

Thanks for your post. I was said to be "born old." As a youth and very young adult, I enjoyed being quiet while others seemed to be babbling; in those years, I usually didn't understand the nuances, procedures and patterns of their social chatter, anyway.

Quiet meltdowns then were common for me. I'd retreat to the quietest times and places I could find. Sleep deprivation and many other problems occurred as a teenager because late at night in the basement was the only time and place I could experience quiet to calm my PTSD'd, ADHD'd nerves.

It's a miracle that I did as well as I did academically and didn't become some kind of addict to cope.

Perseverance through years of experience has, in recent years, enabled me to usually calmly identify the signs and know that I'm starting to feel sensorilly overwhelmed and to take remedial action.

 

[zozie]

Well sorry for being late to reply to all of your posts, everyone, I work on weekends and it's been a busy day. @Deepthought talking about being "locked in" feels the closest to what it's like for me. Perhaps not entirely locked in, but certainly I find I cannot express my distress when I have it. I can, after a time, write it out. But talking? And using all that "tone of voice" and "facial expressions" and all the "tell-tales" of distress we see in the body? Not a chance.

I'm really starting to reframe my thinking around why I go silent. I used to think it was a preference, but now I'm thinking it's more something I can't control. That definitely helps me understand why it's so hard to communicate when I'm very stressed and melting down. I'm so excited for how useful this kind of insight is! Thank you all!

 

[SchrodingersMeerkat]

My mother was VERY paranoid about me being kidnapped as a child. She was always telling me horror stories of what a potential kidnapper might do to me if they caught me to the point I would just freeze and sit there. I understand a parent has to teach their children about stranger danger, but not to the point it causes a panic attack.

But yes, I have had meltdowns so bad I lost the ability to function. I can't remember every time, but I do remember being so overwhelmed by sounds or smells or the way something felt, I lost the ability to move my body. Some sensations would have actually made me faint but I was careful to avoid those situations.

 

[s704m]

I'm not sure how to distinguish between the masking and natural shutdowns, but since at least age 16 (I'm 48 now), when I'm overwhelmed, upset, or need time to process, I shutdown internally, automatically. What my family calls my "no one home" face. It started in my mid teens when my parent started drinking every night and things got rough -- my systems would shut down and I shut everyone out. But I was always to myself and a weird kid. I liked plants and animals more than people, and preferred books and writing to socializing. Still do. People bring drama and moods that I can't keep up with. Books and classical music are much calmer for me. I'm not easy to be friends with -- I no longer fight this.

 

[UberScout]

Mine is a "either-or" situation, in that either my panic attacks are explosive or "implosive" (I.e. either i'm in a rush to look for a safe spot to calm down or I'm just standing there frozen shaking at the knees.)

 

[Aspie_With_Attitude]

I had a few times discussed "Autistic Meltdowns" on my YouTube channel, here's the latest video I did September last year explaining it all.

 

[zozie]

I had a few times discussed "Autistic Meltdowns" on my YouTube channel, here's the latest video I did September last year explaining it all.

This is a great video, thank you for sharing! I agree, it's definitely a violation of privacy to film autistic children (or autists of any age, really) having a meltdown.