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Introduction

Zde99i said:
Oh thank you for saying that. If you don’t mind me asking…Is this a common occurrence among ND individuals? Having a reaction similar to this just because it is big news?

aw what great advice Shamar! Do you have any advice on how to get him to talk? I’m going to have a conversation with him in two days. My approach was going to be to tell him how I am excited and I think that he’s going to be a great dad. But that I am feeling a little bit abandoned and losing confidence that we are going to be doing this together because I haven’t gotten any answers. I was going to tell him that I think he’s a great person and I know that he is not trying to hurt me. But I would just like to know how he feels about the entire situation. Do you want to stay together and help me raise this child?

What do you think of this approach?
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One thing you need to know about us is that no two of us are alike. While there are a lot of commonalities, we will all react differently to a given situation. If it were me, you should not be excited about this. Excitement means change, and (as so many have said), change is disturbing, if not overwhelming. What might be better (if it were me), would be supportive, caring, and understanding. Say that you know it is a big event, and a big change (both in the relationship and his life) but you will be be there to help him through. He needs to understand, not just be told, that together you can see it through. He NEEDS you right now, even if he can't express it.
 
tazz said:
You might want to look up selective mutism. Not so much now, but when I was younger I experienced episodes where the situation was so overwhelming I just couldn't speak. I don't think anyone could get me to talk in those instances. Not saying that's what's happening to your partner but worth considering.
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How interesting. This is something I never even considered. After a quick google search I can see how this can actually be what’s going on. It’s possible that he’s so overwhelmed that he just freezes and clams up. Reading the experiences of ND individuals who experience this, it seems like it’s way beyond their control…they aren’t intentionally trying to be rude or avoid talking…They can’t
 
I am sorry that I forgot to congratulate you on your pregnancy.
Crossbreed said:
I cannot know his particulars, but I can hazard a guess.
A relationship in the form of a spouse, children even a pet brings with it
  • a sense of purpose,
  • a sense of belonging &
  • an affirmation of being valued by another.
Even introverts value those.

Those same relationships, particularly the first two, bring with them a certain amount of unpredictability; an unknown quantity.
Autistics thrive on being able to order their lives into efficient patterns.
Other people (autistic or not) do not always abide by those patterns. (That is the hidden cost of maintaining such relationships.)

He may be coming to the realization that his life is about to become more complicated in ways that he cannot make a priori plans for, because the baby is still a stranger. Wait-and-see plans are a posteriority plans. They are fraught with uncertainty.
We have to learn to wing it!
We can still plan for the needs that we see, but must accept that there will always be unknowns.
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I typed that as an autistic father of ten, including all three severity levels of autism.
I am the guardian of my youngest daughter (29).


Family scorecard: ⚤ ♀♀♂♂♂♂♂♂♀♀♂♂⎛♀⎞♂♀♂♂♂
 
Exciting news. With a baby. You are remarkably calm and collected for this situation so l believe you will be a fantastic mom. Maybe he is wondering what the future holds, will you ask to get married, etc. Maybe he just was pushing it on you, then in hindsight, changed his mind? A baby is a beautiful, however a major disruption in everybody's schedule. I had a child because my husband wanted one. I actually was sure l would be childless and unmarried as a older female. Now that tiny tot is grown, achieved a degree, and holds a fantastic job. All you can do is march forward with your plan. If you decide this isn't for you, perhaps you can consider other options. Welcome to the forum.
 
Crossbreed said:
I am sorry that I forgot to congratulate you on your pregnancy.

I typed that as an autistic father of ten, including all three severity levels of autism.
I am the guardian of my youngest daughter (29).


Family scorecard: ⚤ ♀♀♂♂♂♂♂♂♀♀♂♂⎛♀⎞♂♀♂♂♂
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Oh my gosh that’s amazing. How are you able to cope with the stresses of being a father in a healthy manner? I’m hoping to give my partner some advice. He seems to love having friends around but unfortunately he doesn’t have many and can’t make friends very easily. I’ve decided to start doing monthly dinner parties to help him make more friends and help him feel “less lonely” (his words). I’m also planning on requiring him to have weekly outings with a friends after we have the baby (obviously if his silence doesn’t mean he wants out of this relationship)
 
Aspychata said:
Exciting news. With a baby. You are remarkably calm and collected for this situation so l believe you will be a fantastic mom. Maybe he is wondering what the future holds, will you ask to get married, etc. Maybe he just was pushing it on you, then in hindsight, changed his mind? A baby is a beautiful, however a major disruption in everybody's schedule. I had a child because my husband wanted one. I actually was sure l would be childless and unmarried as a older female. Now that tiny tot is grown, achieved a degree, and holds a fantastic job. All you can do is march forward with your plan. If you decide this isn't for you, perhaps you can consider other options. Welcome to the forum.
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Aww thanks. Lots of therapy over the years has helped me understand that my partner never means any harm. So I think that’s why I’ve overall handled the situation better than most. I’m sure he’s wondering what the future holds. I’m going to tell him straight up that marriage is up to him. As long as I know he’s committed, I don’t need marriage.

I’ll find out tomorrow if he’s changed his mind. I’ve prepared myself for both possibilities (if he’s in or out). I know either way I’ll be ok. I just want to make sure that he’s not closing his eyes and avoiding the situation out of fear…..i just hope that after 9 days he will talk to me
 
Zde99i said:
How are you able to cope with the stresses of being a father in a healthy manner?
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Except for my ward daughter, they have all left the nest.

In autism, we often have what is called perseverations. That is a 25-cent word meaning a special interest that draws a great deal of our attention. My children, individually, and being a good father to them, generally, are/were such a high-level special interest. There is love on top of that, but that is how I managed the logistical aspect of parenting.

Being a Christian, Jesus also gave me wisdom when I needed it.

There is no guarantees about how they will go into adulthood, but we can (and should) give them the best start possible, even factoring in our own human failings.
 
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